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frustr8ed

How asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

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jcortese

I tend to be affectionate, but over the years have become less so because it is often interpreted by the other person as a gateway to things I don't want.

I've had way too many experiences of "I just want to hold hands!" which I believed, and it becamse extremely clear that there was no "just" about it, and if I "only" held hands, he would get annoyed because why did I hold his hand if I didn't want to have sex?

So I learned. "Just" holding hands, hugging, or touching in any way was not "just" at all. It always became a gateway to another unwanted attempt at initiating sex, which inevitably brought on recriminations, tears, apologies, accusations, and emotional drama. Easier to not hold hands or touch at all.

This is, I admit, why I'm single and delighted to remain so to the end of my days, which if you are in a relationship with an asexual, isn't much help. :-(

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AVENCakes
I've had way too many experiences of "I just want to hold hands!" which I believed, and it becamse extremely clear that there was no "just" about it, and if I "only" held hands, he would get annoyed because why did I hold his hand if I didn't want to have sex?

So I learned. "Just" holding hands, hugging, or touching in any way was not "just" at all. It always became a gateway to another unwanted attempt at initiating sex, which inevitably brought on recriminations, tears, apologies, accusations, and emotional drama. Easier to not hold hands or touch at all.

This is why I'm borderline anti-sexual. Things that could be totally innocent (like hugs or hand holding) turn into "then why would you do that if you didn't want sex?!" or some comment about turning them on. -_- I know not everyone does it, but those that do drive me insane.

I used to really like hugs, but like you said. I get called gay, people make lewd comments, etc. even when I'm not dating them.

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lisa was here

well im very affectionate, i love to receive hugs! and when i had a bf i liked to kiss him lots...but then that was it... :blush:

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Dr. Vox

cuddling is awesome. heck, I give random hugs to my friends all the time (even if they don't want me to, haha). I love platonic relationships.

I kiss, but nothing too involved. just a peck on the cheek or something.

but that's kinda it. I still really love hugging though. I'm not sure why, myself. XD;

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ThePieMaker

I'm not the most physically affectionate person. I prefer to show affection through words. I'm much better with words than physical things. In my mind, I'm an affectionate person, but when it comes down to reality, I'm very awkward with physical affection.

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ourmoonlitsun
I'm not the most physically affectionate person. I prefer to show affection through words. I'm much better with words than physical things. In my mind, I'm an affectionate person, but when it comes down to reality, I'm very awkward with physical affection.

Ditto.

I viewed this as a flaw on my part for a long time. I thought maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough to be a "huggy" sort of person. Now I'm fine with it.

I do like getting them; but I'm definitely awkward when I try to return the physical affection. I somewhat feel like I am invading someone's personal space.

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PrairieGhost

I am a huge snuggle bug--I love to hold and kiss my boyfriend, and I snuggle him at pretty much every opportunity, even when it's just standing in line at the grocery store. When it comes to snuggles, hugs, and other forms of affection, I'm actually more active than my sexual boyfriend, so it really doesn't have much to do with asexuality. Now, when I was in a relationship where every time I touched the guy he wanted sex, I became very withdrawn, but that's already been discussed in the thread, I think. Because my boyfriend and I basically schedule the nights when we WILL be intimate, I don't have to worry that what I do will be misinterpreted, which really adds to my comfort level.

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JustJudy

I love to snuggle and cuddle with my dog and with other 4 legged animals but not at all with humans, maybe I should have been a dog would that be "transspecies"? I'd relate to animals, not so to people. Think I'll go lick my paws and take a nap.

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Sammie
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

This has probably been said before, but there are so many ways to be affectionate that don't involve any of the above, or even anything physical even.

What I do? all of the above.

Do I like it when my SO does it? sure, but not in public, and I don't seem to value it as much as most sexuals.

What do I find affectionate?

-long eye contact

-sharing feelings

-sharing laughter

-sharing meaningful silence

-surprising the other with simple non-expensive gifts that took time to prepare

-not doing what hurts the other and doing what makes the other happy, even if the other doesn't notice what you're doing. Wether he appreciates your efforts is besides the point: the point is he/she is happy.

Often affection is in things that seem meaningless ot an outsider. Shortly before I was going on vakation, an SO once noticed that I only ate one colour of M&M's, didn't say anything and then saved up that colour M&M's for weeks while I was gone. The first night we met again, all the M&M's were my favorite colour.

It meant so much to me. Just him noticing little things and taking an effort to surprise me. If THAT isn't affectionate, I don't know what is.

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Sally

I need an absolute written contract that someone doesn't expect or want sex. Otherwise, it's just not comfortable because there's always that specter hanging over you of what happens after you etc.etc.etc. Not too many sexuals could keep such a contract, or want it. They can get affection from other sexuals.

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jr1

I don't even like to email people let alone hug them

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Solodancer1

I was once so affectionate that it was just weird -- the way I was, that's all. But then years of being expected to be sexual as a result made me feel very repeatedly punished and drove it out of me and now I have trouble with affection too. I am still sweet to babies and kitties etc. But being affectionate to someone who might be thinking of disinforcing it (or whatever the word is) by tuning it into something else makes me cringe and not want to touch anyone for a long time.

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Solodancer1

I don't think sexuality has anything in common with affection; to me they feel contradictory. When I have been affectionate and it turns sexual I feel like a wall of cold iron has clanged from the roof to the floor and the room is filling with poison gas: Ack! Why does this happen just when I've been cozened into relaxing again? I feel hurt and betrayed every time. It makes me physically sick. It's an abrupt, obvious change. Two or three times this happens witht he same person, I lose interest in being affectionate to that person ever again; in fact, I grow nauseated and tense at the idea. An analogy would be, say... when you were younger maybe you ate cookies between meals and got spanked for it. Well, you will always like cookies. But after a while going into that kitchen between meals just isn't fun; it's nerve-wracking. Yoou don't want a cookie that badly. And after a long time, you grow up and don't like Grandma's Mud Pie cookies anymore. You like some totally different type of cookie, say sugar sticks, or those brittle coconut ones, and you feel grossed out at the idea of having some coffee and chocolate cookies at Mom's because it just makes you feel all the disappointment and loss and rage and it messes everything up so now you're all sophisticated and cool and you want to meet her for the Thai film fest but you're not hip on dessert.... It's not an act. You just can't stand the combo of Mom's house, cookies, chocolate and you. Ew.

If you substitute affection for cookies, boy-girl gooiness for chocolate soft cookies, sexual overtones and pressures for a beating, BFs for Mom, dating scenatrios for her kitchen, romantic situations in general for her house itself, and me for you, there you have it: The cookies aren't a spanking and a spanking isn't a cookie, but I know they tend to go together in one particular context and that's why everything to do with that context upsets me and why not liking sex so much is morethan just an absent activity for me -- it's a constant reminder that the world has it in for me just at the times I feel like being friendly.

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New Penny
I don't think sexuality has anything in common with affection; to me they feel contradictory. When I have been affectionate and it turns sexual I feel like a wall of cold iron has clanged from the roof to the floor and the room is filling with poison gas: Ack! Why does this happen just when I've been cozened into relaxing again? I feel hurt and betrayed every time. It makes me physically sick. It's an abrupt, obvious change. Two or three times this happens witht he same person, I lose interest in being affectionate to that person ever again; in fact, I grow nauseated and tense at the idea. An analogy would be, say... when you were younger maybe you ate cookies between meals and got spanked for it. Well, you will always like cookies. But after a while going into that kitchen between meals just isn't fun; it's nerve-wracking. Yoou don't want a cookie that badly. And after a long time, you grow up and don't like Grandma's Mud Pie cookies anymore. You like some totally different type of cookie, say sugar sticks, or those brittle coconut ones, and you feel grossed out at the idea of having some coffee and chocolate cookies at Mom's because it just makes you feel all the disappointment and loss and rage and it messes everything up so now you're all sophisticated and cool and you want to meet her for the Thai film fest but you're not hip on dessert.... It's not an act. You just can't stand the combo of Mom's house, cookies, chocolate and you. Ew.

If you substitute affection for cookies, boy-girl gooiness for chocolate soft cookies, sexual overtones and pressures for a beating, BFs for Mom, dating scenatrios for her kitchen, romantic situations in general for her house itself, and me for you, there you have it: The cookies aren't a spanking and a spanking isn't a cookie, but I know they tend to go together in one particular context and that's why everything to do with that context upsets me and why not liking sex so much is morethan just an absent activity for me -- it's a constant reminder that the world has it in for me just at the times I feel like being friendly.

Ouch! Sorry you feel like this. Hope you find someone with whom you can be affectionate and who respects your desire for it to go no further.

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kuy101

All of them.

Affection is the only way I can use actions to show what I feel for them, as sex is obviously out.

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ZogJhones

i use to be VERY affeccionate, exept for kissing and sex, i only kissed once and i never had sex.

I was once almost seduced, but i made up an excuse to avoid sex.

Nowdays i dont like anybody touching me... not even hug me :/

i feel quite lonely really x3

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Electroid

Hugging can make me feel closer to someone.

I don't like kissing. Swapping spit is gross.

Sex feels wonderful, but it makes me nauseous and I get extremely depressed after.

Cats make me feel better than humans can.

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Shuffle

I'm pretty open to giving anything that doesn't involve genitals a go, really. I love kissing and cuddling and holding hands. I'm nervous all the time and that stuff definitely calms me down. Plus, it's just pleasant to feel like you belong with someone.

However, at least one person mentioned eye-contact as a form of affection. I do not enjoy prolonged eye-contact. It makes my head start to hurt.

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lia
I don't think sexuality has anything in common with affection; to me they feel contradictory. When I have been affectionate and it turns sexual I feel like a wall of cold iron has clanged from the roof to the floor

Very much the same here. When a person who was affectionate becomes sexual it's like when someone who you just were very confident with instantly betrays you. It's a horrible feeling.

Hold hands, hug, and cuddle, put my arm around someone, kiss without getting in anywhere is the best. Especially cuddle. I would be very happy if someone could be fine with that only. I avoid dating since many years, because instead of the cosy nice things like holding hands, I get treated as if I had betrayed THEM when I don't let them into my pants. As if it was my fault they wanted to get in there in the first place. And people can be so mean when they feel rejected.

I guess I want to say that yes I love being affectionate and yet I avoid it. But I would not avoid it if I totally trusted someone would not try to have sex.

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JustJudy

I used to like affection from humans hugging, cuddling, etc. but the bf's/husbands couldn't do that w/o it leading to sex and I didn't want sex so I stopped being affectionate

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Solodancer1
Very much the same here. When a person who was affectionate becomes sexual it's like when someone who you just were very confident with instantly betrays you. It's a horrible feeling.

....

I avoid dating since many years, because instead of the cosy nice things like holding hands, I get treated as if I had betrayed THEM when I don't let them into my pants. As if it was my fault they wanted to get in there in the first place.

What she said.

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DarthBismarck

More than ever before, I'm at the point where I'll cuddle up with a cat and a book (always a non-productive situation, if you intend on any reading to take place) before I'll cuddle up with a person.

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JustJudy
I don't even like to email people let alone hug them

hahaha

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Ankh Ascendant
Aromantic Asexual here, and I never initiate anything physical unless contact is required (like holding hands to guide a blind person, or holding someone around the shoulders when they have trouble walking). It's not out of a fear of contact, though, but out of a complete and utter lack of reaction to it.

I don't get any kind of feeling altogether from being held except the hold itself. To me all hugs do is impede movement; all that ever goes on in my head when hugged is how my arm is bending at the wrong angle or how I can't reach for my glass anymore. It feels exactly like someone suddenly tied a 100-pound rope around your arms for no understandable reason -- hardly something to appreciate or reciprocate.

I actually second this completely. I'll reach around someone I'm friendly with (without touching them) and pat them on the shoulder to show suport, but I don't do any of the above willingly. The last time I remember being hugged was when the last person I went out with suddenly wrapped his arms tight around me out of the blue and gave me a kiss. I barely noticed the kiss, but I think I panicked a little... my fear response is like that of a rabbit, I freeze up, and that's why I did. Why not? After all I was suddenly being squeezed and held in place, and it was dark and smelled like something other than fresh air, and I couldn't breathe.

So it was an overreaction. ^^; But he did scare me, and even when I am expecting it, I kind of tense up and wait for it to end. Like Tangled trees, I get conscious of things like that my glasses are pushing into my face now and I'm going to have to clean them or wonder where I should be putting my hand. I feel nothing from physical contact except physical contact, and more often than not I don't like the way that feels.

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allthecoolkidshaveit

I only feel comfortable with physical contact if it's brief - a playful poke or mock-slap, for example, or a pat on the shoulder - I can't stand hugs, even from my mum dad, it feels like I'm trapped.

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Starscream

How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

To simply answer the question. I would say that I'm pretty unaffectionate. I'm not so cold as to not sympathize with someone when they really need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, or even just a hug to show that I care. I'm not totally void of emotion.

What do you not do?

-hold hands

No. Just can't do it. I have before, it's just uncomfortable for me

-hug

I'm fine with hugs as long as they are brief and not lingering. I even have issues with hugging family members, but oddly enough, I'd feel less uncomfortable hugging a friend.

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

No. Again, just not comfortable in those situations.

-kiss

I wouldn't be opposed to a friendly kiss on the cheek. Anything more than that, is you guessed it...uncomfortable.

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ConsciousSoul

i don't mind kissing, hugging, and cuddling ;p

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Melon
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I'm upset becuase my wife will never initiate any affection (nothing) I have to ask for hug --- it's kind of sad.

although i can tell she doesn't mind if i hug her she'll never spontaneously do it-- it really makes me sad.

I will happily and eagerly do all of the above as long as kisses are closed-mouthed, plus I will happily stroke and be stroked as long as we are not talking groiny areas!

Before my sexual hubby and I sorted things out with one another he would complain I didn't touch him very much. I was scared to as it would seem I was inviting sex, which by this point I couldn't handle any more as it left me feeling too lonely sad and devastated afterwards. Now I know I do not have to do anything I feel uncomfortable with and that my hubby feels loved with touches, cuddles and kisses and me stroking him whilst he masturbates, I have my hands all over most of him a lot of the time! And I am getting all the cuddles I craved but could not intitiate due to fear of the sex act. Feels like making love to us both and we're both happy, in fact hubby says "more than happy" and close.

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Melon
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I'm upset becuase my wife will never initiate any affection (nothing) I have to ask for hug --- it's kind of sad.

although i can tell she doesn't mind if i hug her she'll never spontaneously do it-- it really makes me sad.

I will happily and eagerly do all of the above as long as kisses are closed-mouthed, plus I will happily stroke and be stroked as long as we are not talking groiny areas!

Before my sexual hubby and I sorted things out with one another he would complain I didn't touch him very much. I was scared to as it would seem I was inviting sex, which by this point I couldn't handle any more as it left me feeling too lonely sad and devastated afterwards. Now I know I do not have to do anything I feel uncomfortable with and that my hubby feels loved with touches, cuddles and kisses and me stroking him whilst he masturbates, I have my hands all over most of him a lot of the time! And I am getting all the cuddles I craved but could not intitiate due to fear of the sex act. Feels like making love to us both and we're both happy, in fact hubby says "more than happy" and close.

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je_suis_napoleon

I wasn't gonna chime in, because I'm basically echoing what others have said, but I think it's important to have it out there that many of us feel this way.

I'm very affectionate. Can't get enough hugs, kisses, handholding, spooning, forehead touching, etc. The only line I don't like to cross is when somebody's body part goes inside somebody else's bodily orifice.

And the reason I literally *can't get enough* is that sexual people always seem to think it's a prelude to sex, even if they say beforehand that they understand it isn't. And that's not just the case with romantic partners - there are plenty of people I have platonic feelings for, but we don't touch very much because it would seem like an inappropriate come-on.

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