Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

frustr8ed

How asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

Recommended Posts

reverse_thrust

Mmm.... no, I'm quite unaffectionate. I'd rather avoid touching people in general. My manner of talking isn't particularly nice, either- continual sarcastic overtones.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mad Larkin
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I'm upset becuase my wife will never initiate any affection (nothing) I have to ask for hug --- it's kind of sad.

although i can tell she doesn't mind if i hug her she'll never spontaneously do it-- it really makes me sad.

i'm a fan of all of the above,but i can only do kisses and cuddles with someone i have feelings for

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tool1989

One word: Cuddles!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mageru

I'm a pretty affectionate person by nature. I'm often usually the one that initiates physical contact. I hold hands, hug, put my arm around, and kiss my good friends. I've even been known to hug virtual strangers lol. The one thing I cannot stand however, is cuddling. I love physical contact, but I loathe prolonged contact. Cuddling squicks me out something fierce, and I cannot handle it very well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thewrll

All of those I dont do except I will hug my mom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shinai
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

I am entirely asexual, I have no desire for anything sexual. But I am very affectionate towards my beloved, as she is to me.

I love to hug her very often, actually this is something she started. I was originally uncomfortable with hugging and afraid to hug her but now I love it.

I hold her hand whenever we walk together, and hold both of her hands sometimes if we are standing face to face.

I hold her in my arms from behind while she talks to other people.

When sitting next to eachother she will rest her head on my arm/shoulder and I will hold her, or sometimes the other way around.

I will kiss her occasionally, though never make-out. Making out is far too sexual for my tastes.

I think that's about it. I hate physical intimacy with anyone other than my beloved though. So most people probably would not think of me as an affectionate person.

When it comes to other people:

I will allow others to hug me but I barely hug back. I never initiate a hug with someone else.

I will never kiss anyone else, not even on the cheek or hand.

I will not hold another person's hand unless it is for some reason neccesary.

I barely even touch other people at all, really.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LaLunaVerde
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

As others have pointed out asexual does not equal unaffectionate.

I would also add that affection can be demonstrated in ways besides physical contact. Someone taking the time to just sit with me and be with me makes me far more aware of their affection for me than hugs do.

That said, I love hugs! :D Hugs are lovely and amazing! I'm cool with holding hands, too. I don't think I'd initiate though. NBK, but I think as long as lips stayed closed I'd be alright. And I like cuddling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
reptilelover
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

Well, I don’t see either of the above as an expressions of affection, merely intrusion on my personal space that I, at best, tolerate under certain circumstances. For me being intimate is entirely in non physical realm and as such it is difficult to put into words but I’ll try anyway.

Lets suppose your “standard” romantic couple at sunset (as I perceive it). Closeness is achieved by hugging, cuddling, kissing exc. What is on their mind is their partner not sunset. Sunset, by itself, at that particular point in time is completely irrelevant because their minds are focused on each other. That is the way they express intimacy – by focusing physically on each other. For me, it is actually sunset that would be appreciated and intimacy with my companion would be reached by simply being there – appreciating the beauty of sunset and knowing your companion/friend is there and experiencing the same thing. I call it intimacy by “being here and now” with another person. By “here and now” I mean the point in time you are completely at peace, no thoughts running through your head about this and that. I don’t know quite what word to use, I suppose the best one would be that you are “aware”. The moment you touch or focus your attention on something is the moment the “magic” of the “here and now” is broken. Like hugs, cuddles, kisses and the like, these moments in time are fleeting but they leave you with a sense of “fulfilment” (for the lack of better word).

So no, even though one does not hug, hold hands, kiss exc. that does not mean they are unaffectionate. I have seen it many times people call someone “cold”, “unfeeling”, “unaffectionate” (and many other epithets like that) for not doing or appreciating the quoted above. But for me it was quite glaringly obvious people like that are nothing of the said and, in most cases, actually quite the opposite. Sometimes I think “romantic” and “aromantic” are really speaking entirely different languages even though they are using the same words.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kiki Asexual Superstar

Before I was completely out of the asexual closet, ( I was a teenager then and am now 29 yrs old) I would have violent panic attacks over any kind of physical contact by someone who was interested in a romantic way. In retrospect, I realized that it was because I thought that they would want sex. I never logically thought that. That was the last thing on my mind as a teenager, but subconsciously, I was afraid of leading a guy on. After high school, I realized that I didn't believe in sex. I didn't hear of the term asexuality until a couple years ago. Once I was confident and open about that decision that I did not want, desire, or planned on participating in sexual acts, I could do the physical things that I did enjoy without the fear and panic attacks. I think the biggest problem that comes up between asexual/sexual couples is lack of communication. You guys should come on here together or talk about in private....Whatever is most comfortable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shadiyah

I am not physically affectionate at all. I hate cuddling, kissing, holding hands, all that kind of stuff. In fact I have been known to lash out at people who touch me because I hate it so much!

I will hug people as a social pleasantry but that's it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thewrll
I am not physically affectionate at all. I hate cuddling, kissing, holding hands, all that kind of stuff. In fact I have been known to lash out at people who touch me because I hate it so much!

I will hug people as a social pleasantry but that's it.

Im totally with you im the say way. What about emotionally affectionate how are you on that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bellatrixx

My issue isn't not wanting to do things - granted, I haven't done much of anything, but I know I'm sensual - I like hugging, holding hands, etc. - it's more that I really don't care about doing them. I just don't think about having sex, it doesn't seem like anyhting I would ever be interested in, but I'm not repulsed by the idea...

It's like going to a massive college - I don't see myself there, but if I had to go to one I wouldn't care that much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fonfeluch

affection is not the same thing as sex. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Angelica Soprano
affection is not the same thing as sex. :)

No, but it can sure lead the way there, when they have those snakey things in their pants. :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fonfeluch
affection is not the same thing as sex. :)

No, but it can sure lead the way there, when they have those snakey things in their pants. :blink:

yes, i agree, affection can make opportunity for sex, but these are still 2 different things :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spinneret

I am about the furthest you can get from "unaffectionate." I'm very sensual, and I am quite physically and verbally affectionate with my partner and other intimate friends. In the same vein I'm not sexually attracted to my partner but I can appreciate sexuality in the context of affection and intimacy.

They key is feeling safe and comfortable with a given person in a given situation. Without that, it all goes out the window.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Manics_fan

If I was in a relationship with someone I could do all the things you listed so long as it was my partner that initiated the action. I would never be the one to initiate a hug, or a cuddle, or a kiss, ect, myself, but would be able to do those things if my partner wanted it and initiated it. It's just sexual stuff that is the permanent no-go for me (no matter who initiates it!).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AVENCakes
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I'm completely asexual and completely affectionate. The kissing is the only one of those I'd be uncertain as to whether or not I would, and it depends on what kind of kissing. Don't like it with tongue. I'd also be weird about holding hands, since I keep mine in my pockets so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Charlotte_uk

I would suggest that you just keep reassuring your wife that you can draw a line between affection and sex and that just because you want to hug her, for example, it does not mean that you expect sex afterwards. If she is sure that you can seperate the two then it wont be such a challenge for her. Also, choose moments when she is already happy and upbeat and not feeling vunerable already due to illness, etc. I've noticed that friends and family always feel that they have to be more affectionate at these times, when that is in fact the worst time to try and be affectionate to someone who dislikes contact.

I would also add that keeping the relationship upbeat helps a lot and stops things getting too serious. If you can learn to laugh and joke around then she will feel less guilty and more likely to be affectionate without worrying about where it will lead. Don't try to analyse everything and avoid long and lengthy conversations about it. This is what broke up my last relationship much faster.

Best of luck and I hope you both find what works for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
bbctv

i'd be VERY affectionate to the right person, i've cuddled with very, VERY close friends and been kissed but never kissed someone myself.

if i was comfortable with someone enough to BE affectionate regularly, i don't think it would get to me too much if i always initiated or had to say when i wanted affection- as long as the person was sincere when they offered it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shinnok

I like holding hands..er I should say I would like holding hands if I ever got the chance.

hugging I would like also..

cuddle..um..I guess so.

putting my arm around somebody I guess wouldn't be bad..but I would probably ask them first..

yay the ultimate..kissing..I would only kiss if it was someone I loved.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rai

Its kind of hard for me to initiate any of those things, even though I do not mind any of them and would like to do them. But I'm somewhat unable to read the signs that my partner would want me to, and sometimes don't even notice that I'm not being affectionate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
yay

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I do all of those things. I don't like holding hands so much because my hands are always cold and clammy, but if they weren't I would not mind at all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ellers
-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I do all of those things. I don't like holding hands so much because my hands are always cold and clammy, but if they weren't I would not mind at all.

That's why you steal their heat by holding their hands! ;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Seien Hananosei
How Asexual (unaffectionate) are you?

What do you not do?

-hold hands

-hug

-cuddle

-put your arm around someone

-kiss

I'm upset becuase my wife will never initiate any affection (nothing) I have to ask for hug --- it's kind of sad.

although i can tell she doesn't mind if i hug her she'll never spontaneously do it-- it really makes me sad.

I wouldn't equate asexual to unaffectionate. Personally, I'm not affectionate in public because of my pride. Why should the rest of the world get to see a side of me that is for the one I love and that person only? My feelings are none of their business, so I see no reason to flaunt that kind of thing in public. But I'm fine with all those activities when I'm alone with someone.

Even so, I would only do these things with someone I deeply care about, and I only allow people I care about to touch me. One annoying thing about some people is when they're touchy-feely. I'm not like that, and I don't like it. Although, because I'm so against being touched I tend to get touched a lot. -_-

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rai
I wouldn't equate asexual to unaffectionate. Personally, I'm not affectionate in public because of my pride...

Even so, I would only do these things with someone I deeply care about, and I only allow people I care about to touch me...

I know what you mean. Even if I might want to be affectionate, it's so hard for me to overcome my pride and just do it. I've been trying to listen more to my gut feelings rather than pride but it is definately not easy.

And also because I only let people I really care about touch me in any way (as much as I can help), it kind of works the other way around too. I love physical contact but I only feel comfortable with it if it's with someone I really love, thus if someone is getting even platonically physical with me, for any extended period of time, I start to convince myself I like them "in that way" just so that I'll be able to handle it (which often has horrible side effects).

If I am dating someone then I will REALLY not be ok with people other than that someone touching me. It's something special between me and the other person, and no once else should be allowed to try to get it as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DarthBismarck
I do all of those things, but I have to be very comfortable with the person to initiate it.

I've got agree here. For me, such things as holding hands, the odd hug, even a quick peck on the cheek - they don't bother me as much as they do others. Sure, at times it can be a little unsettling, so I've got to feel completely safe and secure with the other person. But most of the things on that list, I understand that it's merely meant for mutual comfort - nothing sexual whatsoever. Certainly they can, in their own ways, lead to sex. But there's been times where me and a friend have curled up with each other, for the sake of comfort. (So you know, she's lesbian, and I'm the only guy she'll get that close to her because she knows I won't pull anything.)

But regardless of that, in a relationship setting, so long as there's nothing overtly sexual going on, I can normally keep from going into a full-blown panic attack.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lilfurbal

I love hugging and receiving hugs, cuddling and being cuddled and even enjoy having my belly and chest rubbed by someone else however being asexual I do not really care for kissing or anything beyond that. I may kiss along someone's neck while hugging but actually kissing their lips I do not particularly care for, just don't understand the fascination with that. Doesn't feel good, doesn't taste good, doesn't smell good and it certainly doesn't turn me on so it's more of a waste of time to me than anything. *shrugs*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
brontide

If I'm left to be myself, I'm not physically affectionate at all. I don't mind holding hands, hugging and kisses on the cheek in small doses, but I will rarely/never initiate such things, even with people I'm close to. I don't get anything from physical contact, so I guess it's hard for me to understand why other people seem to want it. If someone explains to me why they want to hug, holds hands, etc. then it perhaps makes me a bit more tolerant, but I would never really want to do it myself. It's always for the other person, if I ever do it at all.

However, if I was in a relationship and everything else was perfect from my point of view (i.e. we had that intellectual connection), I would be willing to show physical intimacy (nothing beyond what was mentioned in that list, though) if the other person wanted it.

I drive a hard bargain, methinks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
pikku

I don't really like physical contact with anyone I'm not friends with.

And unless I'm close with someone, I won't show any affection.

I'll only occasionally initiate it, maybe more frequently as I get closer to someone. I don't get social cues, so I'd be rather awkward...

If I am, I will hug them and (maybe) hold hands with them, depending on their hand (texture, sweatiness).

As for putting an arm around them... I wouldn't do that unless I'm really, really close with them

I don't usually cuddle, though, but I guess I might if they wanted to. I'd never initiate it...

Kissing would be forced (on my part). I'd never initiate it. (If there ends up being tongue, I will demand the person stay ten feet away from me from then on. I can't tolerate it.)

That's it. I'm not really to unaffectionate; it just depends on my comfort level.

In regards to your wife and you, I suppose I can't understand either side. I rather enjoy small displays of affection, however, I dont understand what's wrong with asking for a hug, as long as one is given eventually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...