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frustr8ed

why do you put up with your asexual partner?

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Realistic husband
ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

Those poor kids, that must be a miserable life for them- having at least one parent that doesn't even want to be there, you know that's not a happy home.

I am in pretty much the same situation as almetcalf. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise but really if there were no kids involved I would just be friends with her. We would do brunch and the odd coffee but that is about it.

I had three lovers when my wife and i met (all open, no lying/cheating involved) i would not have married her if I knew she was asexual and for a long time I felt betrayed and lied to when she told me she was asexual. We opened up our marriage recently and that has worked out reasonably well, she gets jealous but i don't think she has any right to say what I do with my body so I will go out and have flings, as well as having a regular lover.

I have other male and female friends where 99% of stuff is awesome except the sex, that is what a friend is.

Anyway, if there were no kids we would just be friends, since there are i am willing to work harder at making things work.

I am sure i will get a lot of flak here for all this but really, if you are an asexual, don't expect an ultrasexual to be your partner and be happy with it.

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Sally
I am in pretty much the same situation as almetcalf. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise but really if there were no kids involved I would just be friends with her. We would do brunch and the odd coffee but that is about it.

I had three lovers when my wife and i met (all open, no lying/cheating involved) i would not have married her if I knew she was asexual and for a long time I felt betrayed and lied to when she told me she was asexual. We opened up our marriage recently and that has worked out reasonably well, she gets jealous but i don't think she has any right to say what I do with my body so I will go out and have flings, as well as having a regular lover.

I have other male and female friends where 99% of stuff is awesome except the sex, that is what a friend is.

Anyway, if there were no kids we would just be friends, since there are i am willing to work harder at making things work.

I am sure i will get a lot of flak here for all this but really, if you are an asexual, don't expect an ultrasexual to be your partner and be happy with it.

I'm wondering just how much time you have for your kids since you spend time with your regular lover and your flings. That kind of be "willing to work harder at making things work" kind of rings hollow for your kids' sake, since I'm assuming that all that romantic/sexual activity doesn't happen in your house.

What does your wife say to the kids: "Daddy's not home tonight because he's with his lover, and he won't be home the next few nights because he has to see his flings, but maybe you'll see him this weekend." That's really working harder.

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Realistic husband
I am in pretty much the same situation as almetcalf. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise but really if there were no kids involved I would just be friends with her. We would do brunch and the odd coffee but that is about it.

I had three lovers when my wife and i met (all open, no lying/cheating involved) i would not have married her if I knew she was asexual and for a long time I felt betrayed and lied to when she told me she was asexual. We opened up our marriage recently and that has worked out reasonably well, she gets jealous but i don't think she has any right to say what I do with my body so I will go out and have flings, as well as having a regular lover.

I have other male and female friends where 99% of stuff is awesome except the sex, that is what a friend is.

Anyway, if there were no kids we would just be friends, since there are i am willing to work harder at making things work.

I am sure i will get a lot of flak here for all this but really, if you are an asexual, don't expect an ultrasexual to be your partner and be happy with it.

I'm wondering just how much time you have for your kids since you spend time with your regular lover and your flings. That kind of be "willing to work harder at making things work" kind of rings hollow for your kids' sake, since I'm assuming that all that romantic/sexual activity doesn't happen in your house.

What does your wife say to the kids: "Daddy's not home tonight because he's with his lover, and he won't be home the next few nights because he has to see his flings, but maybe you'll see him this weekend." That's really working harder.

Ya, amazing the flak i get for trying to make a relationship with an asexual work.

Dates normally happen after the kids are in bed, every two - three weeks i spend a night with a lover.

Wife just says I am off with a friend.

You may think that being the husband of an asexual I should take a vow of celibacy but it isn't as though the relationship started out this way. She is free to play with whomever she wants as well and I have encouraged her to but she doesn't want to so it isn't a one way street or anything.

gl with however you deal with your life, but it is pretty lame to pass judgement on someone who is actually working things out.

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michaeld

I'm wondering just how much time you have for your kids since you spend time with your regular lover and your flings. That kind of be "willing to work harder at making things work" kind of rings hollow for your kids' sake, since I'm assuming that all that romantic/sexual activity doesn't happen in your house.

What does your wife say to the kids: "Daddy's not home tonight because he's with his lover, and he won't be home the next few nights because he has to see his flings, but maybe you'll see him this weekend." That's really working harder.

I do not think you can fairly judge how much time RH spends with his kids. Maybe he gives up loads of other stuff to spend time on (1) his regular lover, (2) his kids and (3) his other relationships.

If RH were to leave his wife and start a new relationship entirely, it's not at all clear he would have any more time for his kids. In fact, I'd guess the opposite.

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Realistic husband
I am in pretty much the same situation as almetcalf. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise but really if there were no kids involved I would just be friends with her. We would do brunch and the odd coffee but that is about it.

I had three lovers when my wife and i met (all open, no lying/cheating involved) i would not have married her if I knew she was asexual and for a long time I felt betrayed and lied to when she told me she was asexual. We opened up our marriage recently and that has worked out reasonably well, she gets jealous but i don't think she has any right to say what I do with my body so I will go out and have flings, as well as having a regular lover.

I have other male and female friends where 99% of stuff is awesome except the sex, that is what a friend is.

Anyway, if there were no kids we would just be friends, since there are i am willing to work harder at making things work.

I am sure i will get a lot of flak here for all this but really, if you are an asexual, don't expect an ultrasexual to be your partner and be happy with it.

I'm wondering just how much time you have for your kids since you spend time with your regular lover and your flings. That kind of be "willing to work harder at making things work" kind of rings hollow for your kids' sake, since I'm assuming that all that romantic/sexual activity doesn't happen in your house.

What does your wife say to the kids: "Daddy's not home tonight because he's with his lover, and he won't be home the next few nights because he has to see his flings, but maybe you'll see him this weekend." That's really working harder.

Oh, as a note. I do most of the childcare as well. While most fathers are out being 'father of the year' today I asked to have a day to myself because I almost never get one.

Every weekend I am the one out with the boys, I take them to school and pick them up almost every day, I am on the parents board and I am the one who takes them to gymnastics and swimming.

Not complaining because I wouldn't give it up for anything, and if we were to divorce I would likely end up with both kids most of the time because I don't think that my wife could deal with having them most of the time.

Thanks again for the judgement but nest time think before you type.

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Sally

[

If RH were to leave his wife and start a new relationship entirely, it's not at all clear he would have any more time for his kids. In fact, I'd guess the opposite.

But you're assuming that his wife would have custody and he would only visit the kids. That's kind of an old-fashioned assumption, or perhaps a country-specific assumption. And in his latest post he says that would probably not be the case, saying he would probably have the kids most of the time.

RH can present his case quite well by himself, Michael.

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michaeld

If RH were to leave his wife and start a new relationship entirely, it's not at all clear he would have any more time for his kids. In fact, I'd guess the opposite.

But you're assuming that his wife would have custody and he would only visit the kids. That's kind of an old-fashioned assumption, or perhaps a country-specific assumption. And in his latest post he says that would probably not be the case, saying he would probably have the kids most of the time.

No, I assumed nothing. Notice the words "it's not at all clear" and "in fact, I'd guess".

The unfounded assumptions about RH's time management were in your post, which I was replying to.

RH can present his case quite well by himself, Michael.

True enough. If you wish to have a private conversation with RH, with no-one else commenting, may I politely suggest you consider the PM option?

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Sally

If RH were to leave his wife and start a new relationship entirely, it's not at all clear he would have any more time for his kids. In fact, I'd guess the opposite.

But you're assuming that his wife would have custody and he would only visit the kids. That's kind of an old-fashioned assumption, or perhaps a country-specific assumption. And in his latest post he says that would probably not be the case, saying he would probably have the kids most of the time.

No, I assumed nothing. Notice the words "it's not at all clear" and "in fact, I'd guess".

The unfounded assumptions about RH's time management were in your post, which I was replying to.

RH can present his case quite well by himself, Michael.

True enough. If you wish to have a private conversation with RH, with no-one else commenting, may I politely suggest you consider the PM option?

And if you wish to verbally spank commenters for what they say to posters, I'd suggest you do the same. We already have Mods.

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michaeld

And if you wish to verbally spank commenters for what they say to posters, I'd suggest you do the same. We already have Mods.

I leave the spanking to others! :D

What I actually said was...

I do not think you can fairly judge how much time RH spends with his kids. Maybe he gives up loads of other stuff to spend time on (1) his regular lover, (2) his kids and (3) his other relationships.

If RH were to leave his wife and start a new relationship entirely, it's not at all clear he would have any more time for his kids. In fact, I'd guess the opposite.

If "I do not think you can fairly judge..." is a verbal spanking then I'd suggest that a great many of your posts - and those of most other AVENites - are too.

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Sally

If "I do not think you can fairly judge..." is a verbal spanking then I'd suggest that a great many of your posts - and those of most other AVENites - are too.

No, actually we're arguing with each other, pretty much as equals. That's the difference.

So, back to the subject of this thread. I still wonder about the kids that people mention. My parents were divorced when I was 10 and I wish it had happened before that. I and my husband divorced when my kids were young because neither of us thought it was fair to the kids to be raised in a disfunctional marriage.

So I ask those who are staying married to someone they are not happy with and who they feel is not performing their duties as a wife/husband -- is that good for the kids? It's pretty hard to hide your attitude toward your marriage partner; kids really notice, since they depend on their parents for their lives, literally. When I saw that my father was unhappy with my mother, whether he would decide he was unhappy with me and want me to change into someone else, also.

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Lady E

The way I see it, not be offensive, you can say she's "putting up" with you too. She could have easily just dated someone who was asexual and not have to deal with your frustration... but she didn't. She chose to be with you and stay with you knowing that you are sexual.

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sips

I am in pretty much the same situation as almetcalf. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship otherwise but really if there were no kids involved I would just be friends with her. We would do brunch and the odd coffee but that is about it.

I had three lovers when my wife and i met (all open, no lying/cheating involved) i would not have married her if I knew she was asexual and for a long time I felt betrayed and lied to when she told me she was asexual. We opened up our marriage recently and that has worked out reasonably well, she gets jealous but i don't think she has any right to say what I do with my body so I will go out and have flings, as well as having a regular lover.

I have other male and female friends where 99% of stuff is awesome except the sex, that is what a friend is.

Anyway, if there were no kids we would just be friends, since there are i am willing to work harder at making things work.

I am sure i will get a lot of flak here for all this but really, if you are an asexual, don't expect an ultrasexual to be your partner and be happy with it.

this is really interesting reading to me.

I mean, I have only just discovered I'm asexual. I have had sex with my partners without feeling anything but I won't do that again because I feel that is betraying both me and the other person invilved.

I don't even know if I will be in a relationship again but I am romantic and I do like kissing (lips closed) and cuddling and being close to another person that is special to me. I just don't want to make anybody unhappy so

I think I will make another thread, but I just wanted to say if I was in a relationship and it made my partner happier to have a lover I would want him/her to.

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prettyeyes

So I ask those who are staying married to someone they are not happy with and who they feel is not performing their duties as a wife/husband -- is that good for the kids? It's pretty hard to hide your attitude toward your marriage partner; kids really notice, since they depend on their parents for their lives, literally.

This x10000000. My parents had an unhappy marriage even before I was born and it had a much worse effect on my sister and I than any of us like to admit.

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Amedot
Dates normally happen after the kids are in bed, every two - three weeks i spend a night with a lover.

Wife just says I am off with a friend.

You may think that being the husband of an asexual I should take a vow of celibacy but it isn't as though the relationship started out this way. She is free to play with whomever she wants as well and I have encouraged her to but she doesn't want to so it isn't a one way street or anything

My father visits his flings a couple times a week, mostly at night...

And until I found out that they had an open relationship because he wasn't attracted to her, I thought he was cheating on my mother and she didn't know. I felt angry, helpless, scared, and ... just nothing positive. I was as young as ten when I started to notice this. I'm not saying you're doing the worst thing in the world.... Actually, trying to make it work is the best option, in my opinion, and I would think that it would be very difficult to do so. But "staying married for the kids" (my parents ended up telling me that they were only still together for us, but I always suspected it) does affect the kids in a negative way.... Children know. I'm not sure what my point is, exactly.

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Melorian

RealisticHusband - I don't know if you are still checking this but I just want to say that you sound so much like my dad. I seriously wondered for a second if you were him until you mentioned 'the boys'. I just want to say that I am very proud of my dad for staying around. I would have hated growing up without him. And I know that he is miserable being stuck with my mother - they have a very odd relationship. She is practically asexual and he is hyper-sexual and I'm sure they have the same thing going on that you are talking about. And I know he has been seeing other women for years. We also have a rather difficult (and private) homelife so I am incredibly proud of him for sticking around. He and my mum are good friends and their relationship works. Whereas other couples my parents age are getting divorces (as their children have left home) I know that my parents will be together until they die. And this is because of the sacrifices both of them have had to make. Other people might look down on men like you and him but I don't.

Just wanted to say this...

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Pamcakes
ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

You're saying that if you didn't have the kids, you wouldn't be around anymore - just because of the lack of sex? I'm not attacking you or anything, I'm just wondering. I know that for a lot of sexuals, sex is very important. However, surely sex can't be the only thing that binds two loving people together? What about the many other, dare I say more significant, things that a relationship is supposed to be based upon? Openness, understanding, support, emotional & intellectual connection, enjoying one another's company, the list goes on. Sex only forms one aspect of a relationship. A relationship purely based on sex would be unfulfilling to say the least - afterall, everyone knows that we will get old eventually and when that time comes sex wouldn't be the main thing the relationship revolves around (and it shouldn't be anyway), wouldn't the fact that we have a loving companion by our side be more important? Just wondering.

Sex should not be the only factor in a relationship, but it is, for Sexuals, an inescapably important one. It's the one thing that unequivocally changes the nature of a friendship, possibly into romance but definitely into something different. A relationship with all those other factors and no sex is just a really great friendship. For many Sexual people, physical intimacy is the key vital to maintaining close emotional bonds - one of the most common factors in failing relationships between Sexual people is diminished sexual activity. Without regular renewal of the physical connection, it becomes much more difficult to hold on to the emotional one, and formerly loving partners can begin to drift apart. To state that sex is a crucial part of the relationship is not to diminish the other factors, but a relationship is comprised of all parts, sex included, and it is difficult to maintain a happy and fulfilling romance with even that one part missing. It is as important as communication, or friendship, or mutual interests. Maybe not as much as all of them put together, but, when missing, it can undermine the rest.

For someone who links sex with love, a relationship without sex, however good the other aspects may be, is incomplete.

I speak as someone who tried to live in what I thought at the time was a great relationship, just without sex. It was agonisingly painful and lonely, far more so than simply being single, or just being friends with that person would have been. I accepted it for a long time, years, actually, until I finally broke, and left. I have since started a relationship with someone who loves sex as much as I do, and it is immeasurably better than my relationship with my former partner was, even at its best and easiest, in the very beginning. A source of constant loneliness for me and tension for my partner, of feelings of rejection and unlovedness (yes, it can totally be a word if I say it is) for me and of pressure and inadequacy for my partner...is gone. And we have all that other stuff; communication, shared interests, intellectual connection, mutual sense of humour, a great friendship and mutual kindness, as well. It's not a matter of either/or; you seem to present the question to this person that they can have a great relationship or sexual compatibility, but has it ever occurred to you that, if they are this unhappy in the relationship, the other aspects can't be sufficiently great to compensate for the lack of sex? This person doesn't have to make a choice between sex or a good relationship; they want both, have a right to both, and it's really not that hard to find both.

Sex is a huge factor in the majority of human romantic connection (not to diminish the importance of Asexuality, but it is a minority experience), and it can be a huge problem when it's unfulfilling/non-existant/unpleasant for one or both partners. It seems small only when both partners are satisfied, and it isn't an issue.

P.

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Sally

Thanks for saying all that, Pamcakes. As an asexual who had two long relationships with sexuals, I understand how important sex is in sexuals' relationships. I'm afraid too many asexuals feel that just because sex isn't the only thing that's important in a relationship, or even the MOST important thing, a relationship without sex should be OK to a sexual. From what I've observed, it isn't simply a singular element among other elements; it's an integral part of the relationship and without it the relationship just doesn't work. We asexuals can't expect that not to be the case, any more than sexuals can expect us to share their feelings about sex. We're simply different.

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Lady Heartilly
Conversely, I've read posts from people who want nothing to do with sex, for whom that is a very big deal, who feel that their sexual partner is asking them to compromise and go against who they are. That's a HUGE difference. And as I said, if sex or not having it is a big deal, and I've seen that for a lot of people it is, then why on earth would you be with a partner who isn't compatible with that? There can't be any compromise: a sexual person is going to have to go without the sex that is important to him or her, or an asexual is going to have to agree to have sex sometimes, which, if they are a repulsed A, they just might not be able to do.

Someone is going to have to sacrifice, and as I said previously, it just isn't fair to either person. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something. So instead of being unhappy, why not find someone who you're compatible with in something so important? There are 6.7 billion people in the world, so there has to be someone other there who's compatible with you.

Ah, but here is my problem with that statistic.

Of this 6.7 billion people, supposedly only 1% is asexual. Of that 1%, an even smaller percentage is even aware that asexuality exists. causing them to be unable to broadcast themselves as asexual because they are unaware that they are different. Of the remaining amount, several are aromantic, and therefore completely uninterested in a relationship at all. Now we're down to a fraction of the 1% who are both romantic and aware that they are asexual so that they can communicate it to their potential asexual partners. Now we're talking about less than 1% of the world. What are the chances that this extremely small sliver of humanity just happens to live near other like-minded individuals and are also compatible with them?

I'm not saying it's impossible. It's just unlikely. It is far easier for an asexual to find a sexual person who has just about everything else in common with them. However, in that situation, they are both going to have to make sacrifices. Yes, there are 6.7 billion people in the world, but most of those people are sexual. A good deal of us who are not do not want to spend the rest of our lives searching for a fellow asexual partner who is also compatible with us on an emotional and spiritual level, so many of us just may end up with sexuals, like it or not.

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Sommer
I have my reasons for putting up with my asexual partner... what yours??

I understand that love is a factor....I love my wife but sometime i get so frustrated..... sometimes i wish i was with someone that actually liked to hug sometimes or heaven forbid kiss and ew ew have sex.

my apologies ------- i'm frustrated

Um...hugging and kissing aren't neccesarily sexual. They can be done in sexual ways but are not always sexual. Just because one is asexual does not mean one does not enjoy intimacy.

I only enjoy cuddling, but I cannot stand kissing, that's just something I've NEVER liked! Hugging's okay, too. When I finally give in to please my hubby, I just want to get it over with, no foreplay or any of that shit. We NEVER kiss!

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sonofzeal
Ah, but here is my problem with that statistic.

Of this 6.7 billion people, supposedly only 1% is asexual. Of that 1%, an even smaller percentage is even aware that asexuality exists. causing them to be unable to broadcast themselves as asexual because they are unaware that they are different. Of the remaining amount, several are aromantic, and therefore completely uninterested in a relationship at all. Now we're down to a fraction of the 1% who are both romantic and aware that they are asexual so that they can communicate it to their potential asexual partners. Now we're talking about less than 1% of the world. What are the chances that this extremely small sliver of humanity just happens to live near other like-minded individuals and are also compatible with them?

I'm not saying it's impossible. It's just unlikely. It is far easier for an asexual to find a sexual person who has just about everything else in common with them. However, in that situation, they are both going to have to make sacrifices. Yes, there are 6.7 billion people in the world, but most of those people are sexual. A good deal of us who are not do not want to spend the rest of our lives searching for a fellow asexual partner who is also compatible with us on an emotional and spiritual level, so many of us just may end up with sexuals, like it or not.

Remember though that there's a smooth transition in both directions, rather than a firm cutoff. It's not at all acurate and these things are never quite reducable this way, but picture a sexymeter that goes from 0 to 100. If you're a 2, maybe you'll be compatible with people in the 0-10 range. If you're a 7, maybe you'll be compatible in the 0-15 range. If you're a 17, maybe you'll be compatible in the 10-25 range. In any case, if you hit that compatibility zone, things should be quite easily manageable. It's only outside that you really have to work at it and struggle with it. And even then it can work, if you're not too far apart.

....of course, there's no way to measure sexitude on a 0-100 graph like that. But hopefully you get the idea.

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< retired >
For many Sexual people, physical intimacy is the key vital to maintaining close emotional bonds - one of the most common factors in failing relationships between Sexual people is diminished sexual activity. Without regular renewal of the physical connection, it becomes much more difficult to hold on to the emotional one, and formerly loving partners can begin to drift apart.

Something isn't quite right with this picture. Why do so many married people cheat on their spouses? If sex is the glue that holds these relationships together, then why do so many engage in extra-marital recreation? Presumably in the majority of these cases, sex is readily available at home for the asking.

It may be that you're referring to that heady initial rush of sexually-stimulated chemicals that occurs when a person begins a new (sexual) relationship. Unfortunately, the chemical high doesn't seem to last. If I were a normal sexual, I'd be looking for something other than sexual intimacy upon which to found a relationship. That said, I'm not adverse to getting naked when appropriate. :)

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Sally
For many Sexual people, physical intimacy is the key vital to maintaining close emotional bonds - one of the most common factors in failing relationships between Sexual people is diminished sexual activity. Without regular renewal of the physical connection, it becomes much more difficult to hold on to the emotional one, and formerly loving partners can begin to drift apart.

Something isn't quite right with this picture. Why do so many married people cheat on their spouses? If sex is the glue that holds these relationships together, then why do so many engage in extra-marital recreation? Presumably in the majority of these cases, sex is readily available at home for the asking.

Sex isn't necessarily the glue that holds relationships together, but if it isn't satisfactory, one or both of the partners will either have extra-marital affairs or leave the relationship. Married partners can also have affairs even if the sex is satisfactory in their marriage. I don't think most people are necessarily monogamous; if offered the chance to have pleasurable sex with two people instead of one, they may well take that chance.

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Pamcakes
For many Sexual people, physical intimacy is the key vital to maintaining close emotional bonds - one of the most common factors in failing relationships between Sexual people is diminished sexual activity. Without regular renewal of the physical connection, it becomes much more difficult to hold on to the emotional one, and formerly loving partners can begin to drift apart.

Something isn't quite right with this picture. Why do so many married people cheat on their spouses?

Simply put, because there are other things wrong with their relationship, with varying levels of responsibility on both sides. Sometimes it's not enough time together. Sometimes it's insufficient emotional intimacy. Sometimes it's feeling rejected in a non-sexual way by their partner. Sometimes it's a diminishing level of sexual attraction to their willing partner. Sometimes it's because they were never that attracted to that partner in the first place and actually prefer a different body type or gender, but are in denial/hiding and so married that person because they felt like that was the "normal" thing to do (e.g. closeted homosexuals, people with any type or fetish or paraphilia that their partner would reject or has rejected). And sometimes it's because the person who cheated is simply a nogoodnik with utterly no real respect for the sanctity of the boundaries of the relationship, or their partner's feelings.

P.

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