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frustr8ed

why do you put up with your asexual partner?

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Sally
I think there is very obvious solution that comes from another sexual minority group. Polyamorists ahve open marriages based on honesty and love. Really, it is just as cruel and unfair to force a carnal to be an asexual as to force asexual to have sex. so, live together, love each other, the let the sexual partner have a lover of fuckbuddy relationship on the side. If sex is not important to the asexual partner...or hugs...what does it matter if sexual partner get a little bit of happiness somewhere?

Let's keep some perspective here. No one's proposing to "force a carnal to be an asexual". And the polyamorist situation is quite different from what's being talked about here; in polyamorism, both partners, presumably, have the freedom and the desire/capability to have outside sexual partners. With sexual/asexual, only the sexual would be forming another relationship -- getting a little bit of happiness, as you put it -- and it might indeed matter to the asexual. If the sexual can only stay in the marriage/relationship with the asexual if he/she forms an outside relationship, and the asexual is unhappy with that, then maybe the marriage isn't really going to work and both should recognize that.

As far as staying together because of the kids, my parents did that, and I did that, and it really doesn't work well. The kids know. They may not know WHY, and the reasons vary, but they know. What picture of marriage is that giving them? In the case of an asexual/sexual, they see one parent bitter because he/she is being deprived, and the other parent pulling away and looking oppressed. What a great home that is for the kids.

Olivier, I congratulate you and your wife for being able to surmount this one area of difficulty. You both sound like exceptional people. Not everyone can or should try to do that, especially if there's a high amount of anger involved on the part of the sexual.

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Alenushka

If you love someone....you give them what makes them happy. If you can;t give it to them....you let them find it. If you u can;t give your partner sex....waht does it matter where they get it and how? really? have a true open marriage....let the carnal have a sexual relationship and have another asexual relationship if the are so importnat to you

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ghosts
And the polyamorist situation is quite different from what's being talked about here; in polyamorism, both partners, presumably, have the freedom and the desire/capability to have outside sexual partners. With sexual/asexual, only the sexual would be forming another relationship -- getting a little bit of happiness, as you put it -- and it might indeed matter to the asexual.

I think that's what a lot of people think/talk about when it comes to this sort of situation, but I definitely think that an asexual could also form a relationship with another person if they were interested in polyamory.

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Sally
And the polyamorist situation is quite different from what's being talked about here; in polyamorism, both partners, presumably, have the freedom and the desire/capability to have outside sexual partners. With sexual/asexual, only the sexual would be forming another relationship -- getting a little bit of happiness, as you put it -- and it might indeed matter to the asexual.

I think that's what a lot of people think/talk about when it comes to this sort of situation, but I definitely think that an asexual could also form a relationship with another person if they were interested in polyamory.

But it didn't sound like a polyamory situation -- that's just what I was saying. If only the sexual formed a relationship with someone to "get a little happiness", there probably wouldn't be much room for the asexual to form a relationship with that person, especially if the sexual's other partner wasn't interested. And also -- the asexual might not be interested. So it sounded like the guy would be going between two women: asexual wife and sexual lover. That doesn't sound like a healthy emotional situation for anyone -- including the sexual lover, who might have interest in the husband leaving the wife and sticking with her only.

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ghosts

Yeah, I get what you're saying. If I was restricted from forming a relationship with another person but my sexual partner could, I don't think I'd be ok with that. I think some asexuals are probably ok with their sexual partners forming other relationships, even if they themselves aren't interested in doing the same - but I'm sure many aren't.

Also, in a poly situation, you don't necessarily have to form a relationship with your partner's other partner, if that makes any sense.

But anyway, I really think it depends on what everyone wants & is comfortable with. The sexual lover might have a problem with that whole situation, but she might not if she's interested in open relationships.

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Sally

If the sole intention of the sexual forming another relationship is so that they can have sex (i.e., if there's no other problems with the asexual partner), then that might not upset the asexual partner. However, if that's the case, there would be no reason for the asexual partner to form another relationship (they don't want sex in the first place!). Thus, it would be an imbalanced situation: one person has two partners, the other has one. Triangles don't work well.

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ghosts

Right, I understand. It could definitely be an uncomfortable situation for many people, if that was the case.

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Alenushka

they are not triangles.....they called V. One person in a center had intense relationships with 2 people who are not connect4ed sexually or in love.

Also, Polyamory arrangement are very very diverse...that is beauty of it. Polyaory is about Many Loves....not Many Sex Partners.

I can actually totally see 3 people deeply loving each other but only 2 having sex.....families like these do exist.

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Sally

Yes, but----as has been said---they happen if all three persons want to do so. Not just because a sexual wants sex and the asexual doesn't. That situation is what we're talking about here -- not polyamory situations.

Sigh.

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pixiehen
ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

You're saying that if you didn't have the kids, you wouldn't be around anymore - just because of the lack of sex? I'm not attacking you or anything, I'm just wondering. I know that for a lot of sexuals, sex is very important. However, surely sex can't be the only thing that binds two loving people together? What about the many other, dare I say more significant, things that a relationship is supposed to be based upon? Openness, understanding, support, emotional & intellectual connection, enjoying one another's company, the list goes on. Sex only forms one aspect of a relationship. A relationship purely based on sex would be unfulfilling to say the least - afterall, everyone knows that we will get old eventually and when that time comes sex wouldn't be the main thing the relationship revolves around (and it shouldn't be anyway), wouldn't the fact that we have a loving companion by our side be more important? Just wondering.

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pixiehen

The reason I stay is because I have thought through how my leaving would impact on my family and my husband- and I don't want to cause harm to others. I have weighed up the harm- harm on me staying versus harm on my family and made the choice to stay.

If in this weighing up process I decided to leave it would NOT be because I think a relationship should be based on sex- it is because I can get "Openness, understanding, support, emotional & intellectual connection" with my close friends (and I do) and that having sex takes the relationship to a more intimate level- which is what I long for.

When I married my husband 20 years ago- he was very affectionate and sexual with me- it was beautiful. After we married he started to withdraw sexually and then withdraw affection. He has only recently admitted to being asexual and he knew this before he married me and chose not to tell me. This has caused me a lot of hurt over the years but I have found ways to cope. When he told me he was asexual I felt angry (at being tricked) and relieved to finally be told the truth and to have an explanation for my suffering. I choose not to stay angry because I don't want to poison my system with toxic emotions.

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pixiehen
If you love someone....you give them what makes them happy. If you can;t give it to them....you let them find it. If you u can;t give your partner sex....waht does it matter where they get it and how? really? have a true open marriage....let the carnal have a sexual relationship and have another asexual relationship if the are so importnat to you

To me it felt like abuse- in my world- when you love someone their needs are as important as your own- I would never behave in a way that continued to cause someone I love harm or distress. For 10 years I did everything to try and reach a compromise but my husbands solution was that I should go on prozac- I refused this and now have a lover (for last three years) and I don't bother to share this with my husband because I see it my business. The result has been profound for me- prior to this I was always sick and having time off work- I had got to the point that I could not see myself being able to continue working which was a worry as we have a disabled son who relies on us both financially. Since getting my needs met for affection and sex- I have my health back and have not had a day sick in three years. What is funny is that people actually comment on how I am glowing- I am astounded myself at the difference this has made to my life. I am not sex crazed- I meet my lover every 3-4 weeks when he is in my town and we spend the weekend together. After no sex for 10 years and very little affection- I have to say it is mind blowingly exquisite- my lover who is an old friend and is an artist at love making. I know this is not the solution for everyone but it worked for me- my family who do care about me are also relieved to see me healthy and coping again- which has relieved their stress. Having sex again has just removed this whole layer of guilt, rejection, suffering and misery because for years I had falsely come to think it was all my fault- know I know it is not.

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UltraViolet
I also don't think it would be fair for an asexual to marry or commit to a long term relationship with a sexual without disclosing that they're asexual or at least that sex might not come into the picture. But I am not judging.

Some people simply do not know they are asexual before getting married. Also, some sexuals can lose their interest in sex over time or for various health reasons and then they become, for all intents and purposes, asexual.

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UltraViolet
I have my reasons for putting up with my asexual partner... what yours??

I understand that love is a factor....I love my wife but sometime i get so frustrated..... sometimes i wish i was with someone that actually liked to hug sometimes or heaven forbid kiss and ew ew have sex.

my apologies ------- i'm frustrated

Did your wife ever hug or kiss you before you got married? I know that many people do not have sex before marriage so there's no indicator of future sexual activity but most do hug and kiss. If I was with someone who did not hug and kiss it would be a definite indicator of what things would be like later. Surely you could have seen this before marriage?

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Melon
Why? Let me count the ways... :)

1) I never tire of her company. My wife is interesting, intelligent, witty, determined, supportive, practical, generous, trustworthy and talented.

2) She's drop dead gorgeous. Even after 18 years she can melt me with her smile. And when we cuddle, we fit together perfectly.

3) We have personalities that complement each other perfectly. My wife is an endless source of good ideas. I have a knack for turning her ideas into reality. We're a great team like that.

4) She laughs at my jokes, praises my cooking, and puts up with my (very few ;)) faults.

5) When we got married and promised to spend our entire lives together, we both meant it. When we have problems, and we don't have many, the top priority for both of us is solving them, not deciding whether to cut and run.

And that's just some of them....

As far as sex goes, there are times when we both frustrate each other, so that sort of cancels out. And there are times when we don't, as well.

It's not a case of "putting up with" her - despite our occasional sexual incompatibility problems I feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

Bless you

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Never4get

1.He's my soulmate

thats it :)

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Apollonian

I don't get why if having sex is something that's important to you and rates high on your list of priorities why you'd be in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in sex. Likewise, I don't understand why if not having sex if something that's important to you, etc., why you'd be in a relationship with someone who sex is important to. It wouldn't be fair to ask a sexual to go without sex if that's what's important to him/her, neither would it be fair to pressure an asexual into having sex if not having sex is important to him/her. It doesn't make sense to me. If having sex/not having sex is that much of an issue for you, why would you be in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with that?

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Melon

Why does she put up with you? Have you asked her?

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je_suis_napoleon

Apollonian, I think that it's a symptom of a communication-impaired society.

Until about two years ago, I had no idea that sexual people were really as sexual as they are. The terms "sexual" and "asexual" in that context weren't even in my vocabulary. I assumed, as I think many people do, that I was "normal," that everybody was pretty much as antipathetic about sex as I was, and they were just putting up a front because of the hypersexual images in the media.

People are afraid to talk openly and frankly about their sexuality and that of others, partly because it's just not something we're taught to do, and partly because we're afraid of being seen as different. Heck, even in this day and age there are still gays in the closet.

So, it's not surprising at all for two people to fall in love and enter a relationship without either of them even knowing that their sexual orientations and expectations are different, until it becomes an issue

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AVENCakes
I don't get why if having sex is something that's important to you and rates high on your list of priorities why you'd be in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in sex. Likewise, I don't understand why if not having sex if something that's important to you, etc., why you'd be in a relationship with someone who sex is important to. It wouldn't be fair to ask a sexual to go without sex if that's what's important to him/her, neither would it be fair to pressure an asexual into having sex if not having sex is important to him/her. It doesn't make sense to me. If having sex/not having sex is that much of an issue for you, why would you be in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with that?

Because it's one part of a relationship. If you meet someone you love and you're compatible with in every other way, then they can try and make it work even with that difference.

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Apollonian
Apollonian, I think that it's a symptom of a communication-impaired society.

...

People are afraid to talk openly and frankly about their sexuality and that of others, partly because it's just not something we're taught to do, and partly because we're afraid of being seen as different. Heck, even in this day and age there are still gays in the closet.

So, it's not surprising at all for two people to fall in love and enter a relationship without either of them even knowing that their sexual orientations and expectations are different, until it becomes an issue

That's sad. If you're serious about someone, you should be able to talk about it up front so that you know what all is important to each other before hand. Compatibility is a big issue in a relationship being successful.

I don't get why if having sex is something that's important to you and rates high on your list of priorities why you'd be in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in sex. Likewise, I don't understand why if not having sex if something that's important to you, etc., why you'd be in a relationship with someone who sex is important to. It wouldn't be fair to ask a sexual to go without sex if that's what's important to him/her, neither would it be fair to pressure an asexual into having sex if not having sex is important to him/her. It doesn't make sense to me. If having sex/not having sex is that much of an issue for you, why would you be in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with that?

Because it's one part of a relationship. If you meet someone you love and you're compatible with in every other way, then they can try and make it work even with that difference.

But if you're compatible in every other way, yet incompatible in something that is a very big deal to you, then it's not going to work. I've read posts by people for whom sex is a very big deal, who are frustrated at the prospect of having to go without something that means a lot to them. At having to sacrifice their sexuality.

Conversely, I've read posts from people who want nothing to do with sex, for whom that is a very big deal, who feel that their sexual partner is asking them to compromise and go against who they are. That's a HUGE difference. And as I said, if sex or not having it is a big deal, and I've seen that for a lot of people it is, then why on earth would you be with a partner who isn't compatible with that? There can't be any compromise: a sexual person is going to have to go without the sex that is important to him or her, or an asexual is going to have to agree to have sex sometimes, which, if they are a repulsed A, they just might not be able to do.

Someone is going to have to sacrifice, and as I said previously, it just isn't fair to either person. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something. So instead of being unhappy, why not find someone who you're compatible with in something so important? There are 6.7 billion people in the world, so there has to be someone other there who's compatible with you.

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BunnyK.
Apollonian, I think that it's a symptom of a communication-impaired society.

...

People are afraid to talk openly and frankly about their sexuality and that of others, partly because it's just not something we're taught to do, and partly because we're afraid of being seen as different. Heck, even in this day and age there are still gays in the closet.

So, it's not surprising at all for two people to fall in love and enter a relationship without either of them even knowing that their sexual orientations and expectations are different, until it becomes an issue

That's sad. If you're serious about someone, you should be able to talk about it up front so that you know what all is important to each other before hand. Compatibility is a big issue in a relationship being successful.

I don't get why if having sex is something that's important to you and rates high on your list of priorities why you'd be in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in sex. Likewise, I don't understand why if not having sex if something that's important to you, etc., why you'd be in a relationship with someone who sex is important to. It wouldn't be fair to ask a sexual to go without sex if that's what's important to him/her, neither would it be fair to pressure an asexual into having sex if not having sex is important to him/her. It doesn't make sense to me. If having sex/not having sex is that much of an issue for you, why would you be in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with that?

Because it's one part of a relationship. If you meet someone you love and you're compatible with in every other way, then they can try and make it work even with that difference.

But if you're compatible in every other way, yet incompatible in something that is a very big deal to you, then it's not going to work. I've read posts by people for whom sex is a very big deal, who are frustrated at the prospect of having to go without something that means a lot to them. At having to sacrifice their sexuality.

Conversely, I've read posts from people who want nothing to do with sex, for whom that is a very big deal, who feel that their sexual partner is asking them to compromise and go against who they are. That's a HUGE difference. And as I said, if sex or not having it is a big deal, and I've seen that for a lot of people it is, then why on earth would you be with a partner who isn't compatible with that? There can't be any compromise: a sexual person is going to have to go without the sex that is important to him or her, or an asexual is going to have to agree to have sex sometimes, which, if they are a repulsed A, they just might not be able to do.

Someone is going to have to sacrifice, and as I said previously, it just isn't fair to either person. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something. So instead of being unhappy, why not find someone who you're compatible with in something so important? There are 6.7 billion people in the world, so there has to be someone other there who's compatible with you.

I actually completely agree, but on the other hand, if you don't find out about this kind of incompatibility (for whatever reason) until later, then it can be hard to make the "right" decision. There's so much emotion, and ideas about loyalty or character, bound up in the decision to leave someone for sex - I can see why people stick with it. And even beyond sexual incompatibility - people stick with a lot of bad relationships on the off chance that they might someday work out.

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Sally
[ And as I said, if sex or not having it is a big deal, and I've seen that for a lot of people it is, then why on earth would you be with a partner who isn't compatible with that? There can't be any compromise: a sexual person is going to have to go without the sex that is important to him or her, or an asexual is going to have to agree to have sex sometimes, which, if they are a repulsed A, they just might not be able to do.

Repulsed A agrees with Apollonian.

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AVENCakes
But if you're compatible in every other way, yet incompatible in something that is a very big deal to you, then it's not going to work. I've read posts by people for whom sex is a very big deal, who are frustrated at the prospect of having to go without something that means a lot to them. At having to sacrifice their sexuality.

Conversely, I've read posts from people who want nothing to do with sex, for whom that is a very big deal, who feel that their sexual partner is asking them to compromise and go against who they are. That's a HUGE difference. And as I said, if sex or not having it is a big deal, and I've seen that for a lot of people it is, then why on earth would you be with a partner who isn't compatible with that? There can't be any compromise: a sexual person is going to have to go without the sex that is important to him or her, or an asexual is going to have to agree to have sex sometimes, which, if they are a repulsed A, they just might not be able to do.

Someone is going to have to sacrifice, and as I said previously, it just isn't fair to either person. Someone is going to have to sacrifice something. So instead of being unhappy, why not find someone who you're compatible with in something so important? There are 6.7 billion people in the world, so there has to be someone other there who's compatible with you.

What relationship doesn't require sacrifice? It's a part of life. Maybe it's not fair to give up things you love for the person you love- but it can happen anyways. I'm not saying that it'll necessarily work out, but we have people here who seem pretty damn happy with their a/s relationships because they love each other and are willing to find a way to work it out. I'm not saying this'll work with all relationships (repulsed aces, for one. If you need the partner to want it, then that's kinda out, etc)- but that it's not impossible to be happy even when you have to sacrifice something.

What if you can't find a sexual who's as compatable as the ase was? You can be unhappy in relationships where your sex drive matches perfectly, if nothing else does.

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BunnyK.
What if you can't find a sexual who's as compatable as the ase was? You can be unhappy in relationships where your sex drive matches perfectly, if nothing else does.

Of course, there's a LOT of room between "perfect sexual match" and "asexual". :P

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AVENCakes
What if you can't find a sexual who's as compatable as the ase was? You can be unhappy in relationships where your sex drive matches perfectly, if nothing else does.

Of course, there's a LOT of room between "perfect sexual match" and "asexual". :P

:rolleyes: well, yeah. But not always- if the partner has a low enough drive. And I was more saying that while a/s might be considered the least ideal int his area, the most ideal won't always guarantee happiness, either.

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Apollonian
What relationship doesn't require sacrifice? It's a part of life. Maybe it's not fair to give up things you love for the person you love- but it can happen anyways.

I feel you missed the point of what I said. Of course relationships require sacrifice. But what I was saying was if sex or not having it is a big deal, either the sexual is going to have to go without sex when their sexuality is a big part of who they are, or the asexual is going to have to give in and have sex, which they might have a very big problem with. Only one person will get what he or she wants while the other will be miserable. That isn't fair, and that isn't usually the level of sacrifice required in most relationships. Unless I'm missing something.

I'm not saying that it'll necessarily work out, but we have people here who seem pretty damn happy with their a/s relationships because they love each other and are willing to find a way to work it out.

And I've seen posts from people who are frustrated, asking help from the members of the board on their current situation because they aren't happy with the way things are going. I'm sure a quick search would give me plenty of results. Look, I'm asexual too. However, I'm able to look beyond myself, and I'm looking at both sides here.

What if you can't find a sexual who's as compatable as the ase was? You can be unhappy in relationships where your sex drive matches perfectly, if nothing else does.

Many sexuals understand that you need to actually have something in common outside the bedroom to have a successful relationship (though there are also some who don't). And a relationship usually requires you and your partner to be compatible in more than one thing. :rolleyes: You can substitute "sex" for whatever else is very important to you and my point still holds. What things are most important to you? What do you need to have in a relationship? If you and your partner aren't compatible in this, there could be problems.

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Apollonian
I actually completely agree, but on the other hand, if you don't find out about this kind of incompatibility (for whatever reason) until later, then it can be hard to make the "right" decision.

Which is why people need to TALK for crying out loud! COMMUNICATE! Why on earth would you leave something like this to chance, and then be unhappy later because the two of you never bothered to discuss it, automatically assuming your partner felt the same way you do? As I said before, this makes me sad that mature adults can't actually discuss what's important to them to someone they're in a relationship with. Anyone I can't frankly and honestly talk about what's important to me with isn't anyone I want to be in a relationship with.

There's so much emotion, and ideas about loyalty or character, bound up in the decision to leave someone for sex - I can see why people stick with it. And even beyond sexual incompatibility - people stick with a lot of bad relationships on the off chance that they might someday work out.

A bad relationship is not better than no relationship. I speak from experience.

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BunnyK.
I actually completely agree, but on the other hand, if you don't find out about this kind of incompatibility (for whatever reason) until later, then it can be hard to make the "right" decision.

Which is why people need to TALK for crying out loud! COMMUNICATE! Why on earth would you leave something like this to chance, and then be unhappy later because the two of you never bothered to discuss it, automatically assuming your partner felt the same way you do? As I said before, this makes me sad that mature adults can't actually discuss what's important to them to someone they're in a relationship with. Anyone I can't frankly and honestly talk about what's important to me with isn't anyone I want to be in a relationship with.

There's so much emotion, and ideas about loyalty or character, bound up in the decision to leave someone for sex - I can see why people stick with it. And even beyond sexual incompatibility - people stick with a lot of bad relationships on the off chance that they might someday work out.

A bad relationship is not better than no relationship. I speak from experience.

Ok, I think we're talking past each other. Clearly, I agree that communication is super important. Clearly, I agree that no one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. What I'm actually SAYING is that sometimes, for whatever reason, people DON'T talk about these things, and then try harder than maybe they should to keep a non-functional relationship together. I'm not saying that's the way it should be, for heaven's sake.

For example, I think it's easy to forget that not everyone in the universe comes to visit AVEN. Before I came to this site, it would never have occurred to me that people exist that just plain don't like sex. I wouldn't have thought to ask, because I didn't know. And there are plenty of asexuals on this site that didn't know that they would never get to like sex. Even in my current sexual-sexual relationship, we've run into problems because my boyfriend didn't realize that he would only want sex fairly infrequently - before we started dating, he masturbated sometimes 2-3 times per day! How was he supposed to know he'd only want sex once a week or less? It's not always easy to know these things, even if it seems like you should.

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Apollonian
Ok, I think we're talking past each other. Clearly, I agree that communication is super important. Clearly, I agree that no one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. What I'm actually SAYING is that sometimes, for whatever reason, people DON'T talk about these things, and then try harder than maybe they should to keep a non-functional relationship together. I'm not saying that's the way it should be, for heaven's sake.

Oh, I was responding to what you said, but my response wasn't directed toward you. You and I clearly aren't in any disagreement, I was just decrying the lack of communication that exists. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

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