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frustr8ed

why do you put up with your asexual partner?

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frustr8ed

I have my reasons for putting up with my asexual partner... what yours??

I understand that love is a factor....I love my wife but sometime i get so frustrated..... sometimes i wish i was with someone that actually liked to hug sometimes or heaven forbid kiss and ew ew have sex.

my apologies ------- i'm frustrated

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Olivier

Why? Let me count the ways... :)

1) I never tire of her company. My wife is interesting, intelligent, witty, determined, supportive, practical, generous, trustworthy and talented.

2) She's drop dead gorgeous. Even after 18 years she can melt me with her smile. And when we cuddle, we fit together perfectly.

3) We have personalities that complement each other perfectly. My wife is an endless source of good ideas. I have a knack for turning her ideas into reality. We're a great team like that.

4) She laughs at my jokes, praises my cooking, and puts up with my (very few ;)) faults.

5) When we got married and promised to spend our entire lives together, we both meant it. When we have problems, and we don't have many, the top priority for both of us is solving them, not deciding whether to cut and run.

And that's just some of them....

As far as sex goes, there are times when we both frustrate each other, so that sort of cancels out. And there are times when we don't, as well.

It's not a case of "putting up with" her - despite our occasional sexual incompatibility problems I feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

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lastditchattempt

If my partner wouldn't even hug, I'd be done. That probably sounds crazy or mean, but it's true. You are really a trooper.

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thylacine

I don't have one. Yay for me! :D

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Olivier
If my partner wouldn't even hug, I'd be done. That probably sounds crazy or mean, but it's true. You are really a trooper.

Same here. And not because I couldn't live without hugs, either. It's just that it would be like permanently walking on eggshells knowing that just expressing my feelings physically, which is so natural to me, is something I'd need to consciously avoid for fear of upsetting my partner. It would be like having a partner who didn't like the sound of your breathing, and having to always change that around them. Luckily for us, my wife is just as accepting of my sexuality as I am of her asexuality.

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lastditchattempt

It seems kind of cold to use the phrase "put up with," hee hee. I mean, I definitely don't feel like I'm "putting up" with my partner, but I do feel like I'm putting up with a situation. But relationships are chosen, and I guess I'm choosing this person and this situation.

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Tool1989

Yeah I need hugs and cuddles or I can't live in a relationship. It could very well be their personality and who they are that keep you with an asexual. It may be because they are good looking but to me that is the wrong reason for dating somebody.

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Shinai
I have my reasons for putting up with my asexual partner... what yours??

I understand that love is a factor....I love my wife but sometime i get so frustrated..... sometimes i wish i was with someone that actually liked to hug sometimes or heaven forbid kiss and ew ew have sex.

my apologies ------- i'm frustrated

Um...hugging and kissing aren't neccesarily sexual. They can be done in sexual ways but are not always sexual. Just because one is asexual does not mean one does not enjoy intimacy.

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Jaklyn_Rose

I love her. That's about it.

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Ellers
Yeah I need hugs and cuddles or I can't live in a relationship. It could very well be their personality and who they are that keep you with an asexual. It may be because they are good looking but to me that is the wrong reason for dating somebody.

LOL Why would someone (continue)to date an Asexual just because they are good looking? That's just a recipe for disaster whenever they look at each other the "wrong" way. I hope no one has made that mistake. I don't see a shallow Asexual/Sexual relationship going very far... :lol:

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AVENCakes
I have my reasons for putting up with my asexual partner... what yours??

I understand that love is a factor....I love my wife but sometime i get so frustrated..... sometimes i wish i was with someone that actually liked to hug sometimes or heaven forbid kiss and ew ew have sex.

my apologies ------- i'm frustrated

Gotcha. Love. What's her excuse?

"Putting up with"? wow, that must be a great relationship. I "put up with" people that annoy be for hte sake of working on a project. I'm with people I love and care about.

Hugs aren't sexual, they're pretty platonic. She might have other issues. Or just doesn't like them. I wouldn't like being with someone I couldn't hug, either. Kisses vary. Pecks are pretty asexual, but sloppy make out sessions... yeah, no.

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Hayley

'cause she has these beautiful blue eyes and all is forgiv- OH. This is for sexuals, I take it? I can't even argue that she has a sexy accent, damn.

I don't understand why anybody would 'put up with' a partner or lover. I mean, it doesn't sound to me like there's any joy in that relationship?

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CierraJo

I'm pretty anti-sexual but yeah, I agree that refusing to even hug someone u love does seem a bit extreme....but maybe she fears the hug is meant as foreplay? Or maybe she just doesn't realize she isn't hugging. Sometimes I forget to hug my b/f and he asks for hugs (or cuddling), but I have NEVER refused to hug him when he asks...well unless he was like all stinky or something!!

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reflections-of-my-soul

So did you know that your wife was asexual before you got married? Otherwise,

one would imagine you to come prepared for a situation like this. I also don't think

it would be fair for an asexual to marry or commit to a long term relationship with

a sexual without disclosing that they're asexual or at least that sex might not come

into the picture. But I am not judging.

By the way Halle, your avatar looks like a paler male version of me. I am

such a dark angel! But I like being bright when I can help it. Darkness is

no fun. It's not for me.

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foofightin
Why? Let me count the ways... :)

1) I never tire of her company. My wife is interesting, intelligent, witty, determined, supportive, practical, generous, trustworthy and talented.

2) She's drop dead gorgeous. Even after 18 years she can melt me with her smile. And when we cuddle, we fit together perfectly.

3) We have personalities that complement each other perfectly. My wife is an endless source of good ideas. I have a knack for turning her ideas into reality. We're a great team like that.

4) She laughs at my jokes, praises my cooking, and puts up with my (very few ;)) faults.

5) When we got married and promised to spend our entire lives together, we both meant it. When we have problems, and we don't have many, the top priority for both of us is solving them, not deciding whether to cut and run.

And that's just some of them....

As far as sex goes, there are times when we both frustrate each other, so that sort of cancels out. And there are times when we don't, as well.

It's not a case of "putting up with" her - despite our occasional sexual incompatibility problems I feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

Aww. I know this is an old post, but that was really beautiful. I hope that my guy will feel the same way about me in the future as you feel about your wife right now. :)

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Subieko

Just a thought on the no-hugging, from the perspective of someone who can't handle much physical contact--believe me, it's not fun to be unable to touch and cuddle with the people you care about. It has nothing to do with my asexuality, actually, it's just that I have a sensory integration disoder. For me, some types of physical contact--holding hands, for example--cause me intense physical discomfort. No matter how much I want to reach out and hug my friends, I can't. There's a wall between us that I can only bridge if I'm willing to deal with the resulting pain.

Imagine if you loved someone completely, except for one thing--whenever you touched their skin, you were poked with a sharp pin. It's like that.

So, that's why I don't enjoy hugging. I doubt I'll ever be in a relationship, though, I can't imagine someone being willing to put up with me. But then I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who was just putting up with me.

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Guest the_green_bastard
Why? Let me count the ways... :)

1) I never tire of her company. My wife is interesting, intelligent, witty, determined, supportive, practical, generous, trustworthy and talented.

2) She's drop dead gorgeous. Even after 18 years she can melt me with her smile. And when we cuddle, we fit together perfectly.

3) We have personalities that complement each other perfectly. My wife is an endless source of good ideas. I have a knack for turning her ideas into reality. We're a great team like that.

4) She laughs at my jokes, praises my cooking, and puts up with my (very few ;)) faults.

5) When we got married and promised to spend our entire lives together, we both meant it. When we have problems, and we don't have many, the top priority for both of us is solving them, not deciding whether to cut and run.

And that's just some of them....

As far as sex goes, there are times when we both frustrate each other, so that sort of cancels out. And there are times when we don't, as well.

It's not a case of "putting up with" her - despite our occasional sexual incompatibility problems I feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

You DO exist! :)

It was really beautiful.

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Olivier

Thanks foofightin and green bastard :)

At the time I posted that there had been a lot of posts along the lines of "Gee it sucks being a sexual with an asexual partner" and I really didn't identify with them, because although it's caused me pain, I can see that it sucks for my wife to have a sexual partner, too. And the idea addressed this topic - essentially "why not just leave?" is one I'd thought in relation to many of those posts.

When I hit my own low point, I'd even asked myself the same question, and that post was basically my answer - I have SO many reasons not to leave that it was a really easy question for me. Amidst all the difficulties arising from sex in a sexual/asexual relationship, I think people can lose sight of the good stuff that (hopefully) is the basis of their relationships.

When I re-read that post, sappy as it is, what struck me most is how many really, really good things I left out :) :)

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ily

Like some people here have said, if you're just "putting up" with someone, sexual or A, it doesn't sound like your relationship's that great to begin with...

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almetcalf

ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

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Jazmin
ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

You're saying that if you didn't have the kids, you wouldn't be around anymore - just because of the lack of sex? I'm not attacking you or anything, I'm just wondering. I know that for a lot of sexuals, sex is very important. However, surely sex can't be the only thing that binds two loving people together? What about the many other, dare I say more significant, things that a relationship is supposed to be based upon? Openness, understanding, support, emotional & intellectual connection, enjoying one another's company, the list goes on. Sex only forms one aspect of a relationship. A relationship purely based on sex would be unfulfilling to say the least - afterall, everyone knows that we will get old eventually and when that time comes sex wouldn't be the main thing the relationship revolves around (and it shouldn't be anyway), wouldn't the fact that we have a loving companion by our side be more important? Just wondering.

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AVENCakes
ONLY FOR THE KIDS!!! I never knew such people existed! Honestly, I thought everybody was as horny as I was. So I married a girl thinking she had a sex drive. If we did not have kids I would be long gone. So I actually appreciate sites like this. More people should be aware of their sexuality and open and honest about it so that they do not end up in such a unequally yoked relationship like mine. My wife always thought she would somehow become interested in sex once she was married. She never even knew herself. Well, I could go on and on but that is all beyond the point. The only reason is for the kids...............

Those poor kids, that must be a miserable life for them- having at least one parent that doesn't even want to be there, you know that's not a happy home.

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WendyO

Lets be a little supportive of almetcalf. We are not in his shoes and he is here to help himself heal. Until both him and his spouse learn more of these issues they are both going through hard times.

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rotifer

I'd like to go out on a limb here and say that i hate hugs. The idea of somone else being so close to you. I can put up with them occasionally from upset fammily members but anyone else and i'd completly flip out.

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brontide
I'd like to go out on a limb here and say that i hate hugs. The idea of somone else being so close to you. I can put up with them occasionally from upset fammily members but anyone else and i'd completly flip out.

Same here.

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Guest

it's not like i hate hugs, but it's just the feeling of bodies being pressed into each other. it doesn't do much to me so long, protracted hugs are pretty meaningless.

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walrus

Okay Brother Almetcalf, I can really identify with you. We do not have any children together, but her son by her other marriage is like any natural son to me and my grandchildren love their grandma very much. There was a time when that was the little bit of glue that held us together. I had reached the point of deep depressions stemming from what seemed to be abject rejection. I though my wife must be having an affair that took all her strength and drained her libido.

Discovering this sight was our salvation. After reading many threads here, I discovered this thing called Asexuality. Now, I still do not understand how or why it exists, but I began to understand all of the things my wife was telling me and realized that there was indeed another sexual orientation that I had never heard of. That was a few years ago and we are still together and even deeper in love than before.

If she could just 'come across' once or twice a week, I would have the perfect wife. If she could just leave that danged nightgown on the dressing table and snuggle and hug and kiss, I would get rid of the basketball sized empty hole in my gut. But those are "iffys" and if my aunt had balls, she would be my uncle. So. after discovering that I had not become the worlds worst lover and that my wife didn't have three boyfriends (or girlfriends) draining her desire daily, I had a very tough decision to make. Did I add a harem or just live a miserable existence? I knew I was deeply in love with my soul mate ... I could not picture life without her, but I could not accept life as it was.

I made the very hard decision to try to become Asexual myself. Well, that is an exercise in futility .... ain't no way.

So, I just tried to kill my own sexuality. That doesn't really work either. At least not very well. As I would kill the desires associated with my emotions when seeing that lovely lady exit the shower. I also killed ALL of my feelings and started becoming a rather "not nice" person. I didn't even like myself. Damnit, that didn't work either.

About that time I heard that the Dr. DeBakey Heart Center was having a sale on Triple Bypass Open Heart Surgery and were giving double Green Stamps .... and I couldn't pass that up. Well, one of the side effects of the medicines I now consume takes most of the lead out of the pencil. Wow, suddenly her sexuality isn't so bad. Now all of those desires are tempered with knowing that if it weren't for Visgra, I would be the one that couldn't perform.

Be careful what you wish for .... you might get it.

My doctor gave me a prescription for Viagra, but I don't use it .... this way I can convince myself that I got what I wanted when I wished that I could be like my wife so we could both be happily married and not making each other miserable ....

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scog28

I love her !

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Alenushka
Okay Brother Almetcalf, I can really identify with you. We do not have any children together, but her son by her other marriage is like any natural son to me and my grandchildren love their grandma very much. There was a time when that was the little bit of glue that held us together. I had reached the point of deep depressions stemming from what seemed to be abject rejection. I though my wife must be having an affair that took all her strength and drained her libido.

Discovering this sight was our salvation. After reading many threads here, I discovered this thing called Asexuality. Now, I still do not understand how or why it exists, but I began to understand all of the things my wife was telling me and realized that there was indeed another sexual orientation that I had never heard of. That was a few years ago and we are still together and even deeper in love than before.

If she could just 'come across' once or twice a week, I would have the perfect wife. If she could just leave that danged nightgown on the dressing table and snuggle and hug and kiss, I would get rid of the basketball sized empty hole in my gut. But those are "iffys" and if my aunt had balls, she would be my uncle. So. after discovering that I had not become the worlds worst lover and that my wife didn't have three boyfriends (or girlfriends) draining her desire daily, I had a very tough decision to make. Did I add a harem or just live a miserable existence? I knew I was deeply in love with my soul mate ... I could not picture life without her, but I could not accept life as it was.

I made the very hard decision to try to become Asexual myself. Well, that is an exercise in futility .... ain't no way.

So, I just tried to kill my own sexuality. That doesn't really work either. At least not very well. As I would kill the desires associated with my emotions when seeing that lovely lady exit the shower. I also killed ALL of my feelings and started becoming a rather "not nice" person. I didn't even like myself. Damnit, that didn't work either.

About that time I heard that the Dr. DeBakey Heart Center was having a sale on Triple Bypass Open Heart Surgery and were giving double Green Stamps .... and I couldn't pass that up. Well, one of the side effects of the medicines I now consume takes most of the lead out of the pencil. Wow, suddenly her sexuality isn't so bad. Now all of those desires are tempered with knowing that if it weren't for Visgra, I would be the one that couldn't perform.

Be careful what you wish for .... you might get it.

My doctor gave me a prescription for Viagra, but I don't use it .... this way I can convince myself that I got what I wanted when I wished that I could be like my wife so we could both be happily married and not making each other miserable ....

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Alenushka

I think there is very obvious solution that comes from another sexual minority group. Polyamorists ahve open marriages based on honesty and love. Really, it is just as cruel and unfair to force a carnal to be an asexual as to force asexual to have sex. so, live together, love each other, the let the sexual partner have a lover of fuckbuddy relationship on the side. If sex is not important to the asexual partner...or hugs...what does it matter if sexual partner get a little bit of happiness somewhere?

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