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How long is it until you're dumped for a sexual?


frustr8ed

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I broke up with both sexual guys I dated because I wasn't comfortable with them wanting sex from me. Who's to say they're always the dumpers?

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I'm a sexual, and I haven't told this girl to hit the road. I care alot about her and I think I've fallen for her. I've been hanging out with her and she is my best friend, I say friend because she doesn't call us a couple. Yet when she comes over to hang out we cuddle and sleep together and she really worries about me alot. Only when were about to go to bed though. Untill the lights go off and were laying in bed she doesn't really act like she wants to cuddle.

Anyway that's for a whole different reason. Back to the question at hand. I don't think I could ever tell her to hit the road, because I care for her that deeply. I do feel rejected when she doesn't seem to want to go further then sleeping with her arms around me. See to me sex isn't for pleasure, it's letting someone get closer to you, closer then you would let anyone else. If you don't go farther then a hug, what makes the person so special. You can hug anyone that can handle a hug. I know she will probably never get closer to me, because she's had alot of devistating experiances.

Yet I still can never see myself saying I want you to go away, ever. I don't see a girls as fish in the sea, so falling for one is very unique to me. So It's nearly impossible to turn my back to it. I don't want to say I feel it's unfair, but i feel a little alone when fact that there's no compramise comes up. I'm not saying I want to force her into something, far from it. I don't choose who my heart falls for and I don't think a relationship should end if its going along great. Still it scares me because I don't know if I mean something to her or if i'm nothing that can be replaced. She's told me already that she's cuddled with other friends.

So in turn that could mean I'm nothing to her, she wouldn't care if she saw me tomorrow or never see's me again. I've already said that I would never say go away, because to me emotional is more important then physical, but i feel that im totally replaceable. I hope you understand what my fear about falling for an asexual is.

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So in turn that could mean I'm nothing to her, she wouldn't care if she saw me tomorrow or never see's me again. I've already said that I would never say go away, because to me emotional is more important then physical, but i feel that im totally replaceable. I hope you understand what my fear about falling for an asexual is.

See, here's my problem with sexuals. Nothing in terms of physical touch puts you aside from anyone else in anyone's mind but yours. Relying on physical closeness is probably the worst way to actually do that, because then you find someone who is sexual and doesn't see sex as anything physical and actually wouldn't care if she never saw you again. And then you're going to look back on the asexual girl that never slept with you but actually cared and worried.

But I digress. In love, it really is the little things. It's not about fucking, it's about those stupid little gestures. It's remembering your favorite kind of ice cream, or noticing that when you're upset you get cheered up fastest by something, or just knowing when something's wrong even when you're trying to hide it, or spending years trying to find the perfect gift not because you'll get something for it but because you want to. Emotional attachment has nothing to do with physical closeness. Yeah, it's easier to measure physical things, but they aren't all that matters.

Now, I'm curious, but do you really think so little of the amount she cares and worries about you (and if she only does it after the lights are out, she's probably guarded and doesn't do that as much as cuddling), that she honestly would feel fine with flicking you aside without a second thought?

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I'm sorry if I worded it wrong, I didn't mean that if she doesn't sleep with me she doesn't care. I don't care if she ever wants anything more. Will it hurt, ofcoures i'd be lying if I said it didn't, but your right love is about the little things. Not having sex, I don't believe sex is what makes a relationship, I believe it's an option for the base of a good relationship. I'm honored that she cares about me so much to be honest. I'm happy to even be a part of her life. It means alot to me that she's told me her secerets and she cares about me. I didn't mean to judge her like that, I'm not really good with wording things. I know that some sexual people see sex as nothing and its heartless and thats the last thing I want. Now that you pointed that out I feel really really bad. I don't try to judge anyone, forgive me.

I'm just worrying that I can't offer her something that someone else can. Like on one thread I read, they said that it was the most perfect feeling to sleep with someone and know that they have no intention on there mind as well. I can't read her mind so I can never say that she feels 100% happy hanging with me.

To answer your question, no I don't think she would toss me aside and not care. She's a very caring person and a very kind person. My fear is that I'm not gonna be the perfect person for her. I don't care about me, I want her to be happy. I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want, I want her to feel loved and safe. The most important part that I cared about is that we care about eachother.

Forgive me I'm still learning. I don't see physical touch as something that ties two people together. It's hard to explaing because I'm not good with words.

I'm sorry if I cause you problems. I'm trying not to.

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Angelica Soprano

In answer to the title of this thread. = Within 10 minutes of meeting them, with luck!

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I know she mentioned it, but she's someone that doesn't believe in people helping her. She doesn't talk to anyone when she has mental breakdowns. She doesn't think she deserves anything good in life. It hurts so much to see her so sad and know that my trying to comfort her is making it worse. I tell her she's beautiful and it takes to her like pain. I can't help her because she's so set against having someone there for her. I could feel all her sadness when we first cuddled. She wouldn't let go of me, we cuddled for 8 or 9 hours we didn't sleep. I don't know why she doesn't have that energy anymore but I can tell that she's thinking more about me being sexual then caring that im there for her. I tell her I would never do anything she's uncomfortable with, and to tell me if something bothers her. She trys to ignore my mistakes, but they eat away at her an she thinks its gonna lead to more because im a guy and sexual. I don't know how to help her, I just try to be as good a friend as I can. In the end though I still feel like im hurting her more then helping her. I don't know if its true but last night we were at a club and she had another friend with her. A girl, she was much more comfortable with her and happy and she was still uncomfortable with me. They even left me at the club, didn't even tell me where they were going, it really hurt because she invited me and I though we would have fun. Still I saw her just as happy and normal as ever, just not with me. Which gives me a relief in a way because like I said I love her and in the end I just want her to be happy. Even if it's not with me. If someone gives her more comfort then me, I'm happy for her. We talked about what was bothering her and she seems to feel better, But still I was glad to see even if she's not happy with me she'll still be happy. I just want her to feel happy, comfortable and accepted for who she is. I just don't know how.

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  • 1 month later...
GoblinQueen

In my experience, 2 weeks to a month. Sometimes I'm the one who makes like a ball and bounce,other times it's the other person. A sucessful sexual\asexual relationship is a crapshoot.

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See, here's my problem with sexuals. Nothing in terms of physical touch puts you aside from anyone else in anyone's mind but yours. Relying on physical closeness is probably the worst way to actually do that, because then you find someone who is sexual and doesn't see sex as anything physical and actually wouldn't care if she never saw you again. And then you're going to look back on the asexual girl that never slept with you but actually cared and worried.

But I digress. In love, it really is the little things. It's not about fucking, it's about those stupid little gestures. It's remembering your favorite kind of ice cream, or noticing that when you're upset you get cheered up fastest by something, or just knowing when something's wrong even when you're trying to hide it, or spending years trying to find the perfect gift not because you'll get something for it but because you want to. Emotional attachment has nothing to do with physical closeness. Yeah, it's easier to measure physical things, but they aren't all that matters.

Now, I'm curious, but do you really think so little of the amount she cares and worries about you (and if she only does it after the lights are out, she's probably guarded and doesn't do that as much as cuddling), that she honestly would feel fine with flicking you aside without a second thought?

As someone who used to have your exact line of reasoning, before my body for whatever reason decided to suddenly develop a libido, I have to say you're way off base. Not because you're misinformed or an idiot, but because you're basing your opinion off logical observation. Sex and love are not logical. There are a lot of biochemical processes involved that are simply out of our conscious control, and from an evolutionary standpoint that's probably a good thing.

It's true that there are some sexuals who see sex as a purely physical act, but they are by no means the majority. For most there's some inexplicable attachment that forms after sexual acts, sometimes even something as simple as kissing. It's not just on a logical level: "This is the only person I may kiss, so that sets him aside." No, it's something deeper, more...carnal...than that. You even feel for them more on a platonic level because of it. Probably some innate species survival mechanism to improved the chances that any children formed by the union will be taken care of.

In no way am I saying that sex is necessary for a romantic bond, or even the most important part of a romantic bond. Just that in the minds of most sexuals, it does contribute. And the fact that our society tends to require that your steady romantic partner also be your only sexual partner only strengthens that.

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Anyway, in response to the original question...As a sexual, it would depend on how emotionally attached I was before I found out they were asexual, how much non-sexual physical contact they desired, and whether they might be willing and able to compromise and have sex every once and awhile. Honestly, I highly doubt I'd knowingly enter a relationship with an asexual at this point, but I'd probably be able to make it work if someone I was attached to announced they were asexual or lost their desire for sex.

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can you please help me find relationships between a's and sexuals that have lasted? Id like mine to last and yet, i see the impact in so many ways.

Uh, nearly 30 years. I can't be more exact because of testosterone interference with attention to those sort of details. 4 very successful adult children.

We have had out problems but the only recurring problem throughout our marriage has been our incompatibility with physical intimacy. I've packed my clothes at least three times, drank excessively at least 100X that many. For me sexual and physical intimacy is the celebration of our marriage That is the one aspect of a marriage that sets it apart from all other relationships I have with other people. Until landing here I could never figure out what was wrong with me or if something was wrong with her. Now I understand there is nothing wrong with either of us.

We are starting a new phase of our marriage: married without children. I am trying to discover and learn how to appreciate her forms of intimacy. I am trying not to smother her with mine. Our marriage is a day to day relationship right now. I am torn between not walking away from a 30 year investment and being happier by either being alone of finding someone that more closely shares my desires. Our marriage is tenuous at best.

I guess as a counter to the original question, I would have to ask, "As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

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spinneret

fairview, I'm glad AVEN's helped you figure out that there's nothing wrong with either of you. I hope this realization can help you both work towards understanding each other and improving your relationship.

I guess as a counter to the original question, I would have to ask, "As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

I was pursued, I was very upfront about my asexuality and that it meant we'd likely never have sex (I repeatedly said the words "I will never have sex with you". . .exaggeration as it turned out!) and nonetheless my partner was emphatic about being more interested in me than in sex and kept trying. So, why? I gave in to an offer of cuddling, and fell in love as we got to know each other.

We're at five months. Don't expect this one to last 30 years but we're doing pretty well for now, especially since it's my first relationship :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
"As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

Well, I think part of it is that people may not necessarily understand that fact about themselves; or more precisely, they may not understand that other people feel such an increased desire for sexual intimacy relative to themselves. Thus, it ends up being sort of a mutual learning experience. Please realize that many asexuals, by their nature, do not THINK about sex and sexuality as a day-to-day occurrence or event, unless it is thrust upon them for some reason. Thus, they may not actively consider the role of sexuality in a relationship until it is too late, so to speak.

And for me, I'm about 6 months into a relationship that has become sexual in nature. I was very very upfront about what I felt before we started any sexual activities, maintaining the relationship takes a fair amount of understanding and communication, but so do all relationships, right? My lack of desire/libido/attraction does not seem to be a deal breaker for my friend, and his sexuality is not a deal breaker for me.

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I guess as a counter to the original question, I would have to ask, "As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

It was as honest as I could at the time. I had no clue that I was hyposexual. Everyone around me kept saying (to each other as well as to me), every story presented itself this way, every single instance of the topic coming up kept saying that you'd meet the right person and your sexuality would just pretty much come to life of its own accord. I spend the first 40 years of my life figuring that my sex drive was entirely normal. I really had no clue that other people would go for mere DAYS without it and be ready to strangle someone because of the lack.

So I had no idea. And I had no clue what was up any more than he did. It took me a very long time -- and a diagnosis of TLE -- to find out that I should stop waiting for my sexuality to play itself out. It has played itself out. This is me.

I never really pursued relationships although there are people I've liked, and one person that I still wonder about from time to time because he was a bright person and very engaged with the world. Like museums, had interesting hobbies, physically nice looking, that sort of thing. But I still don't regret being eternally single and can't get up the head of steam necessary to care.

So I never presented myself dishonestly. It's not as if we have labels inside of ourselves that say "asexual" that we know about and no one else does,and we cruelly and nastily torment the rest of the world with our existence. It takes us time to figure ourselves out, too.

And now that I have, at the age of 42, I just know to ignore the whole topic. Think of it -- we're told our whole lives that "the right person" will make our sexuality just magically switch on like a light switch. It can take a long time, and no small amount of fruitless fishing around, to discover that there's no damned switch on the wall. I needed a neurological diagnosis to make it clear to me why.

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I guess as a counter to the original question, I would have to ask, "As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

First: A lot of people don't know. It took me 17 years to realize people could possibly want sex. And this was after a sexual relationship (the boy had issues and was abusive, sorry if I don't want to pin down all of humanity on one jerk. Should I assume everyone's a child molester, too?). I figured everyone was asexual. I've heard a lot of "I figured they were just lieing or exaggerating to seem more mature or cool" about why they didn't know they were asexual. If you think you're normal, you aren't going to go around introducing yourself as such. People don't come out as being straight or cisgendered for a reason.

You can't fault a person for not knowing. Have you always known some people were asexual and some sexual? If the answer is "no"- don't blame us on this, it's as much the sexuals' faults for not considering it as it is ours for not realizing.

If they do know, well, people should present themselves honestly. But it's like STDs. When do you say "By the way, I'm HIV positive"? First date, second? Before things get too physical, certainly, but if you bring it up too soon- it'll be hard to get a first date. Asexuality is hardly a disease, but there's a long list of things unrelated to sexuality that you should tell a partner- but might have a hard time disclosing or knowing when to mention it.

Also, if we are upfront, who's fault is it there? The asexual for "trapping" the sexual into an asexual relationship (while being fully upfront that "by the way, sex ain't gonna happen- or at least I don't want it like you do") or the sexual for accepting this and later complaining about it?

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  • 3 weeks later...
DarthBismarck

With me, it's normally over in six weeks. I don't know why - I just seem to attract the nymphos, the ones who want it on the first date, multiple times, multiple angles. Most give up by the time a month and a half is gone. My second-to-last girlfriend was the exception. At first, she told me she had heard of asexuality before, wouldn't push the issue, didn't want to cause any discomfort.

That lasted all of about four months, until she decided she wanted to get married within four weeks, and have three kids over the following three years. After that, we kind of 'lost touch.'

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lisa was here

i managed to keep my ex for a year and a half...but we were young then so he wasn't looking for sex straight away.

After about a year he kinda got a bit fed up and I wasn't aware of what asexuality was...

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thats what i am so afraid of... I always feel that not wanting sex will ultimately ruin anything that could of been something.

so far its been proving myself right.

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DarthBismarck
thats what i am so afraid of... I always feel that not wanting sex will ultimately ruin anything that could of been something.

so far its been proving myself right.

I'm in the same boat. I have had girls I was dating call me gay just as they're ending it simply because I refused to sleep with them (always found that an odd euphemism) after three weeks. Can someone please tell me that there are parts of society aside from the asexual community that doesn't run on hormones?

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  • 3 weeks later...
Solodancer1

I've been threatened with dumping but it never happened over sex.

I've been the one who dumped them or wanting it too much. But not as early on as I should have. I spent a lot of time and a lot of pain on relationships with men who were trying to get more than I wanted to give them. Sometimes they won and sometimes I did but it was a Pyrrhic victory, and I should just have left earlier.

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35 years. I finally realized what I was and told him and he just freaked out because he thought it was all about him -- that he didn't ever really have what he thought he had, and hadn't performed as he through he'd performed, that I'd fooled him, etc.etc. blahblahblah.

It was worse than blah, it was awful and he just couldn't understand. I didn't really expect him to.

I think it would be easier for a sexual and an asexual to get along if the asexual thought sex was ONLY a physical act, not romance and self-actualization and self-worth and all that s--t. If it weren't such a big emotional deal to them, maybe we could just do it for/with them and that would be the compromise: sex but not making it into the whole of life. But it just doesn't work that way; they want it to be a whole spiritual/romantic experience and that just accentuates the ickiness of it, for me. How can you feel something fundamentally icky is deepening your relationship?

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Solodancer1
they want it to be a whole spiritual/romantic experience and that just accentuates the ickiness of it, for me. How can you feel something fundamentally icky is deepening your relationship?

I have felt that way so many times.

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DarthBismarck
they want it to be a whole spiritual/romantic experience and that just accentuates the ickiness of it, for me. How can you feel something fundamentally icky is deepening your relationship?

I have felt that way so many times.

Cheers to that.

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  • 3 weeks later...
UltraViolet
I'm really curious how long it takes before your sexual partner tells you to go away.

Believe it or not ---- Sex is a powerful force and i'm wondering how patient a person can be before telling you that it is too much to put up with.

I'm sure asexuals have many unsuccessful romantic relationships.

please let me know.

First off - the way you worded this question sounds rather condescending but I chose to answer it anyway because I have never gotten dumped by a sexual. I always ended up dumping them and although sex was never the main reason I was always glad to be rid of the constant pressure to not only have sex but to keep on increasing the frequency. It was just too much to put up with. I have never felt "closer to" or "more in love with" a man by having sex yet there have been men I have been in love with who I never had sex with. By the way, many sexuals have unsuccessful relationships as well. I have known some sexuals who were always dumping other sexuals because they kept looking for someone who will "put out even more than" and/or be "better at it" than the person they were currently with.

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UltraViolet
can you please help me find relationships between a's and sexuals that have lasted? Id like mine to last and yet, i see the impact in so many ways.

Uh, nearly 30 years. I can't be more exact because of testosterone interference with attention to those sort of details. 4 very successful adult children.

We have had out problems but the only recurring problem throughout our marriage has been our incompatibility with physical intimacy. I've packed my clothes at least three times, drank excessively at least 100X that many. For me sexual and physical intimacy is the celebration of our marriage That is the one aspect of a marriage that sets it apart from all other relationships I have with other people. Until landing here I could never figure out what was wrong with me or if something was wrong with her. Now I understand there is nothing wrong with either of us.

We are starting a new phase of our marriage: married without children. I am trying to discover and learn how to appreciate her forms of intimacy. I am trying not to smother her with mine. Our marriage is a day to day relationship right now. I am torn between not walking away from a 30 year investment and being happier by either being alone of finding someone that more closely shares my desires. Our marriage is tenuous at best.

I guess as a counter to the original question, I would have to ask, "As an asexual, why would you pursue a relationship with a sexual when you understand what a driving force physical intimacy is for sexuals and the real world liabilities that such a relationship will face? In other words, unless you are being upfront with the other person about your desires or more accurately your known lack of desires, why do you present yourself less the honestly?"

Unfortunately, in my early years of dating I did not know that I was asexual. Now that I do know I realize that there is nothing wrong with me and I have no desire to try to date any sexuals ever again. It may work for some (tho I see that it often takes a LOT of work) but it does not work for me at all. I am glad to have found people that actually do want love without sex. To me, being in love (not sex) is what sets a relationship apart from friendship and other more casual relationships.

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I don't get in relationships with sexuals..don't wanna bother them & don't wanna be bothered.

Perfectly happy by myself. Maybe I'm a coward.. ^_^

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I don't get in relationships with sexuals..don't wanna bother them & don't wanna be bothered.

Perfectly happy by myself. Maybe I'm a coward.. ^_^

If this is cowardice and cowardice is wrong, I don't wanna be right. (*is technically in a relationship with a sexual* I'm still allowed to say such things, right? D: )

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