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How to survive a relationship with mismatched sex drive?


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3141526535897932384626

I've been with my boyfriend for quite a while now, and we are very in love with each other. However I am a very sexual person while he's just happy not doing it at all. We still do it, but I know that he's only doing it to make me happy which is actually doing the opposite. I'm 20, and he's 34, part of the reason might be because of our age difference, I don't know. My question is, is there anyway I can get rid of my sexual urges?

What I have tried so far is slapping, hitting, cutting myself every time I think about sex, or force myself to puke, think of things I'm scared of such as dead bodies, aliens, monsters etc. And everytime I saw a picture of him on the computer, I used an electroshock pen to shock myself. However it's just too hard and I feel like my body is falling apart. Now I can't eat anymore, everytime I eat I will puke, I have nightmares every single night and I've been having less than 2 hours of sleep per night in the past two month. I start crying everytime I talk to people. I lost 35 KGs, now I weight 38 KGs (I'm 164cm). I'm in university right now, and my grades went from A+ average to B, I even failed a course last semester. He's telling me I've been acting like a weirdo and he will dump me, but everytime I want to leave he will cry and be all nice to me and we'll end up having the most amazing make up sex (at least for me). I just can't handle it anymore, is there any pill I can take or anything I can do? I love him a lot and this relationship means a lot for me, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work, but I really need some help.

Thank you all.

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Hi 314152etc...

I'm a sexual man married to an asexual woman. It's been very difficult, going on six years now, and hasn't gotten better over time. I love my wife very much. Being unable to express that love for her, or have it returned, in a way that I find important makes me depressed and distracted much of the time.

That said, I have to urge you NOT to hurt yourself, or try to change your nature. You are who you are... sexual. That's a wonderful, normal way to be, and you should not change that for anyone. Period.

What's helped me the most in dealing with my relationship with my wife has been therapy (also anti-depressants... Welbutrin in my case). They have changed my world. If you can afford it, and it's a crime that everyone who needs help can't get it, find a good therapist. Regardless of whether or not your relationship survives, you will be a better, healthier, happier person because of it.

*hugs*

Chiaroscuro

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Bloody hell... :shock: That's awful...

Frankly, although I certainly believe in a working asexual/sexual relationship, that communication is the key and so on, the amount of control that he seems to have over you is unhealthy, not least that he's making you ill, and I'd suggest you at least take a break til you're stable again. :(

Um... try and talk to him about it. Try and figure out what is needed to keep a balanced sex life, with enjoyment (asexily) for him and (sexually) for you.

And *hugs* - I hope you get through this!

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My question is, is there anyway I can get rid of my sexual urges?

What I have tried so far is [...]

The short, sane answer is, no, you can't.

The longer, and less sane answer is, drugs. Certain medications have supression of sex drive as a side effect, but they often have other bad side effects as well, so are not a good idea if you want to keep your health. And you'd also have to convince a doctor to perscribe them, and their primary purpose is to not do any harm, so that's going to be hard unless you can convince them that your physical self-abuse is a mental problem that needs treatment. Drugs would be a bad idea.

An even longer answer is, at best you can modify your behaviour, but not your orientation. There are many people who try to become "not homosexual" who try that. They can't stop their orientation, but try to manage their behaviour to not act homosexual. I don't know how many succeed, but you can see a lot of public figures trying that who have failed - elected officials or church leaders caught hiring male prostitutes or having arrairs. And those who don't fail do suffer long term stress and depression, which can break up their families and relationships anyway. I don't know enough about the success rate of that to recommend it.

If you think you can come to terms with celebacy, it will have to be a conscious effort, you won't be able to trick your subconscious like you can for smoking or alcoholism by snapping an elastic band against your wrist, because sex is not a habit, it is an instinct that goes all the way through your brain. Everyone with a sex drive has to consciously manage their behaviour to learn how and when to express it. You can try to manage it a bit further.

But I think even better is to talk about this with your boyfriend, but not just generalities. You might need to get very specific because there might be sexual things that he likes, even if he doesn't like the whole thing like you do. And you might be able to find things less than full sex that can satisfy you. Does he like to kiss? Cuddle? Naked, if it doesn't lead to sex? Would he cuddle with you while you masturbated? Would that do any good for you? What about talking instead - like phone sex, but there in person? Would you like him to pretend to be someone else? Would you like to be tied up?

That's what I mean by being specific. That's the only way you can find out where the exact boundaries are. Once you know that, you don't need to do that again (unless something needs to be clarified).

You should definitely stop trying to hurt yourself, that won't help at all.

(BTW, you missed a 9 after the first 5 :) )

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OK, your first priority needs to be gaining some weight back. Stop doing whatever it is that's making you sick, and get some food in your system, because 38 kg is dangerously low for your height (as you may already know).

Focus on keeping yourself alive first, and then you can figure out what to do about your relationship.

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Drop him

if your hurting yrself and vomiting and losing all that weight... get some help

if he's asexual and you want sex drop him like a hot potato and work on yourself -- you need professional help.

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