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I cant do this anymore.. I need help..


cannotunderstand

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cannotunderstand

I really dont know if i can do this or not. I have been with my fiancee for almost 2 years now. We just started living together this past July, thats when I noticed that things were out of hand with us sexually. I never realized before how sex seems to mean nothing to him at all. I think its possible that because we only saw each other on the weekends, I thought we were having sex more than we were. NOw that we are living together, I see that maybe 2 times a month is it.

He seems to always have an excuse. He hates to be touched and he is always tired. I actually found this group by chance. I never heard of someone being asexual before.

I have to be honest here though before reading any of the posts on here I really have had it out with him and this morning for the last time. I cannot take his not wanting to have sex anymore. I am a VERY sexual person. I LOVE sex. We have talked about this and he denies that it is me and we are supposed to be getting married in September but I dont know if I can go though with it even knowing that he may be asexual. I dont know if I can live my life like this forever. Sex to me means love and caring and sharing. I cant have a life without that. Like I said, while he isnt home right now I started to look things up and found this site. I dont know how to approach him anymore. I am tired of fighting and I know that he loves me and I love him but I cannot see this being normal for me. I cannot live like this. I know we have to end it but I dont know how to. He clings to me when I say its over.

Also I really believe his mother had something to do with this. He is so attached to his mom, she can do no wrong at all and this past christmas, we were at the house with the family when one of my fiancee's cousins were pulling on him when all of the sudden his mom jumps up and says to stop it, he doesnt like to be touched.. Over and over again she says how her son doesnt like to be touched. I dont get it. I was never so pissed in my life. I am beside myself with this whole situation and I dont know what to do. I mean, he has porn, magazines and has gone to strip clubs and at one time I even caught him trying to pick someone up online and we broke up over that. How can you do these things and not like sex or want sex or want to be touched. Please help me.

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Being a non-sexual person, I don't know whether or not I can offer much advice. It seems that if he really was asexual, he should have told you about it at some point. Have you EVER had sex with him?

He could have a physical problem that he's too embarrassed about, but I think you may have hit on something when you mentioned "Mommy." I think that he does have many issues.

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cannotunderstand

I know that I am typing fast on here and I am so sorry. I am just so confused right now. I know we are in for a talk tonite when he comes home and I will bring this up to him as well. I am sure he will deny it or maybe he will tell me if there is actually something wrong, I dont know. I just know that we have had talks many times before and have gotten no place. What bothers me the most is that I dont even want to sexually be with him anymore because I feel like he will just be doing it to make me happy, and that wont make me happy. I dont want pity, I want closeness with my partner. I have literally tried everything.

I know he has issues with his mom. I know that when he told me he didnt like to be touched, he said it with tears in his eyes, then told me I could talk to his mom if I wanted to and she would tell me how he doesnt like it. Now I am 42 years old, I am 12 years older than my fiancee, I dont want to talk to his mother about this. I wont talk to his mother about this. But something is wrong. I dont like it..

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There are some asexuals who have an aversion to touch:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=27546

He sounds on the higher end of the scale of touch aversion, check Odd1Out's post on page 2 of that thread, all the posts on that thread are useful though.

It cant be called a typical trait of asexuality but then there are no typical traits other than the lack of sexual attraction as everyone is different.

I can't explain the stripper club etc. unless he was just going along with some friends to 'fit in' the group without having an actual interest for it himself. Unless the porn was bought by someone else for him then I wouldn't know much about that one, there's not much discussion on these forums about asexuals indulging in porn, maybe one or two as in this old thread:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewt...ghlight=#404989

The other possibility (if he were asexual) would be that he isn't aware of asexuality and so is acting sexual since that is the 'normal' way of life. There are a lot of people who have come to this forum and felt relieved to realise they are 'normal' and can finally be themself whereas before they felt the need to forcibly adjust themselves to fit in.

I don't know whether the online cheating involved cyber sex so I can't comment on that one (and if you were in a commited monogamous relationship you were right to do what you did)

This is just speculation though. He could be sexual and just have a low sex drive, medical problems, bad experience in the past. There are so many different reasons.

I think you'll just have to talk to him, show him this site and generally discuss things to find out. Only he can say what he is or isn't. It wouldn't be fair to assume.

I'm sorry to say however that regardless of his answer it does sound like this wouldn't be a fullfulling relationship for you. Whether he is asexual or not, it sounds like you both have different needs and that this incompatibility would wear you down in the long run (as it seems to be doing now).

I know its difficult though, as it is with any relationship that begins to show major cracks... But you seem to be saying to yourself that it cannot work, and don't want to compromise your sexuality for him. I think you should trust in yourself and what you want. You have to live with yourself 24/7 so you have to make sure that the life you're living with is what you really want.

Don't do this alone, is there anyone else you can talk to? If not, this forum is always here. It is a very accepting forum and everyone is very welcome. So you're not alone.

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Hi, cannotunderstand,

I was about to suggest that perhaps the reason he doesn't like to be touched is that for sexual people, touching (especially certain kinds of it) is often the first step in a quickly-moving sequence that leads to sex. And for sexuals, that is natural and normal, but for asexuals, it often triggers anxiety.

However, when you made it clear that his mother knows all about his not liking to be touched--and here he is at thirty with her defending him on this issue--I realized that this is a complicated situation indeed.

I speak as an asexual who has had 'don't touch me' reactions also when I knew that the other person wanted sex, but otherwise I am a very huggy-touchy person and can appreciate the sensuality of touch...just so long as it doesn't come with expectations of sex. And I have had sex, too--many, many times (considering how much I dislike it) trying to somehow bust through, get to the bottom of it, understand my own resistance. What those decades of trying led me to was the conclusion that--for me (I cannot speak for other asexuals)--it's not going to change. And since I seem not to miss what I don't know I'm missing, I am OK with that for myself. But it has certainly monkey-wrenched relationships.

If I were in your shoes, having only just discovered asexuality and the realization that your fiance may well be asexual, and considering that from what you say you love one another, then I would put any major decisions on hold while you both investigate this as fast and as thoroughly as you can.

And perhaps you should consider doing it with professional help (that would be my suggestion)--if he will agree to that. At the very least, point him to AVEN and urge him to read and post here and learn for himself whether he is asexual. And try to find out more about this no-touch thing--how far back does it go? How old was he when he and/or his mother discovered it and how did it manifest then? Why is his mother so invested in it?

It sounds like he has enough emotional commitment that he should be willing to help you in the sleuthing. I hope so.

As for talking to his mother about it...I'd probably not want to do that either, but if he won't be forthcoming, then you might consider talking with her. You deserve to know everything that can reasonably be known before you either go ahead with the marriage or call it off. You certainly should not--as you have said--just march on as if nothing were wrong.

Best of good fortune in a difficult situation and I hope you and your fiance will join our community. This place has an amazing capacity to remove the veils of misunderstanding.

****

a bit later:

Rin posted while I was writing and I just wanted to say how much I agree, and to offer an added thought on the porn thing.

Some asexuals are into sexual fantasy and even porn--probably not the majority but it's not that rare. The common denominator defining asexuality as we understand it at AVEN is that we are not sexually attracted to other people, as in real people with whom we'd be having sex if we were attracted. It has very little to do with the vitality, sexiness and emotional attraction of the other person...we just don't get physically turned on in their presence, while we might get aroused by fantasy or porn because it's not about real people. I like fantasy and have had arousal experience from very soft porn--the hard stuff is a total turn-off. Asexuality does not have to mean no sex drive (though that may be true of some asexuals). Hope that helps a bit.

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cannotunderstand

I just want to thank you for your reply. This is a very confusing issue for me because it makes me feel sexually inadequate. I dont like that feeling at all. I have so many times tried talking to him and I get no place at all. Tonite has to be it. What hurts the most is that I love him so much. I really do but I know in my heart that I will not be happy like this. He cannot help the way he is no more than I can help the way that I am. neither one of us can change. Its not a matter of change, it would only be a matter of one of us doing something we didnt want to do and no one wins in that situation. I do love him though. I just cant live like this. I know I would cheat on him and I dont want that to happen either. I wont hurt him like that and I am afraid that is going to happen.

I know with the strip clubs that "supposedly" he would never get lap dances, etc.. or so he tells me. I know with the porn he does get that himself but I have never seen him watch it. He even gets playboy and says "its for the articles". These things have all been said by some guy at one time or another so we tend not to believe it, but maybe in his case it is true, I dont know. He might get these things because everyone else is or he needs to keep up a persona. Once again I dont know.

Tonite me and him have a talk. I will continue looking on this board and learning. I see that I do need to learn how to deal with this whether or not he is in my life.

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cannotunderstand
I speak as an asexual who has had 'don't touch me' reactions also when I knew that the other person wanted sex, but otherwise I am a very huggy-touchy person and can appreciate the sensuality of touch...just so long as it doesn't come with expectations of sex. And I have had sex, too--many, many times (considering how much I dislike it) trying to somehow bust through, get to the bottom of it, understand my own resistance. What those decades of trying led me to was the conclusion that--for me (I cannot speak for other asexuals)--it's not going to change. And since I seem not to miss what I don't know I'm missing, I am OK with that for myself. But it has certainly monkey-wrenched relationships.

You are right about this.. He doesnt like to touch if it means sex, otherwise he is always holding my hands and hugging me. As soon as I walk in the door from work, he is right there to hug and kiss me. Just dont mention sex and everything is alright. He has to be asexual. I mean, he really has to be. I cannot think of anything else.

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I really dont know if i can do this or not. I have been with my fiancee for almost 2 years now. We just started living together this past July, thats when I noticed that things were out of hand with us sexually. I never realized before how sex seems to mean nothing to him at all. I think its possible that because we only saw each other on the weekends, I thought we were having sex more than we were. NOw that we are living together, I see that maybe 2 times a month is it.

He seems to always have an excuse. He hates to be touched and he is always tired. I actually found this group by chance. I never heard of someone being asexual before.

This individual does sound asexual.

It's important for you to realize that he probably loves you in spite of what he's doing or refusing to do. Even in that twice a month is a compromise for him in the event that he is.

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I just want to thank you for your reply. This is a very confusing issue for me because it makes me feel sexually inadequate.

You shouldn't feel that way no matter what. Even if he wasn't asexual it would bear no judgement on you (can't find the right words sorry but hope youg et what I mean). There is no reason why this experience with one person should define who you are.

There are alot of asexuals though on here who ask 'how do I admit my asexuality without the other person feeling its something to do with them?. Alot of asexuals here have alot of difficult conveying to others how them not finding their significant other sexually attractive by no means indicates that they aren't a sexually attractive person. And it of course does not mean they love them any less.

But there are alot of sexual/asexual couples who have found their differences too great and had to move on after attempting to talk/work on it. Sometimes the difference in desire/needs is too great. There are others who have made it work though, it always requires a lot of communication and understanding though. In some cases a compromise works where sexual needs are met to some level (since theres some 'sexual' stuff that can be done outside of intercourse, some asexuals also are indifferent to sex if they dont feel too pressured and so are willing to participate as an act/gift of love just not as much as those who experience sexual attraction) but it depends on each individual.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Especially as you say, you do love him. I know this is really difficult. If there was a way to work things out or come to a compromise I hope you can find it but if you eventually find that no amount of talking/working together works I wish you all the best in moving on. It will take time but its good that you're thinking in the right direction, that its neither you or his fault, its just who you are.

Best of luck discussing this with him. I hope you two are able to figure something out.

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Your boyfriend sounds very much like mine. Painful, isn't it.

We were planning to get married. I broke it off with him on Friday.

Our sex life had dwindled down to a couple of times a month. And I was pretty sure he was only willing then just to try and keep me happy. Which totally took away any enjoyment for me.

He had also started getting uptight and angry if I hugged him...even in the light of day with other people around. He would say "You don't I don't like that, just stop it".

He hated it if I initiated sex, he hated it if I touched him below the belt, he was jealous of other men with no reason.

It is very sad because I do love him. I love many, many things about him. But I am also a very sexual person and I cannot live out my life with no sex.

I felt sure that if we married, he would stop trying altogether.

I am still sort of puzzled as to why he even wants a girlfriend or wife. If I had no sexual feelings towards men, I don't think I would want a boyfriend or husband.

I know he is hurting and I wish I could do something to help.

I looked up information on men with low testosterone levels. I sort of wonder it that isn't the problem. He doesn't suffer from ED but has several other symptoms.

It doesn't really matter. He will barely discuss it and I doubt would be willing to do anything to try and help the problem.

My guy is almost 50 and says he has always felt this way about sex...even when he was a young man. He is totally into public displays of affection and does all the things to make others think he is not this way. I have tried talking to some women friends that have known him always and known past women in his life. Them seem shocked and unaware of this.

I don't know what else to say.

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cannotunderstand

Engaged,

This whole thing scares me to death. I really still dont know what to do. Even after last nights talk. I am still walking around not knowing what is going on. I told him I thought he was asexual and all I get from him is, well nothing. He says he doesnt think he is. I actually thought that was a good start because he didnt come right out at say no. He just keeps telling me "nothing is wrong". Well in my mind there is alot wrong. I am way to sexual to handle this and like you, I dont want to have sex with him now because I feel like he is just doing it to make me happy. I cannot even get excited about it. I dont want it. I love him dearly but I know this isnt going to work. We have the money down on our hall and everything for the wedding. There are alot of people that are going to be very upset. When I tell my fiancee this, he just tells me nothing is wrong and the wedding is on. Well, it cant be because I cant live like this. Love or not, I cant.

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If he really thinks he isnt asexual (and understood what asexuality is and its variations) then he could just have a low sex drive and be hyposexual.

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewt...p?p=423682&

In which case those 2 times a month may be the times when his sex drive/attraction is kicking in and be 'totally legit' (as in satisfying himself) rather than only to satisfy you. I cannot say though if he is or not and don't know if it would change your situation much as that'd ultimately be your decision.

There is possibly ways medically to increase sexual desire but I think the success rate may not be high and as all medical stuff, may have possible side effects. But everyone is different and it is doable for some and probably worked for them. But it requires the person to be willing to change in the first place. There have been asexuals here who wished to change and try and start sexual desire/attraction for themselves, but it'd probably be easier for a hyposexual vs asexual (although the 2 sort of cross boundaries sometimes). But of course there are all the asexuals (the majority here) who have lived their lives the way they are and are happier being themselves rather than changing, and so they would be unwilling. And forcing them to change without a real desire to change on their part (some asexuals have been put forward for psychological treatment or had hormonal drugs put into them) doesn't work out.

It'd be like asking a sexual to take drugs that remove their sexual needs. I'm sure there are some drugs like that (e.g. for hypersexuals) which would bring down a sex drive rather than increase it. If the sexual was willing it might work. If the sexual was happy being themself and not willing to change though, it wouldnt have much chance. And I think for either case, an asexual/hyposexual or a sexual trying to change themself, they'd be justified in not being willing. Because if they had lived their lives happily one way I'd understand if they would feel uncomfortable suddenly being another way.

I wish you all the best.

It is very sad because I do love him. I love many, many things about him. But I am also a very sexual person and I cannot live out my life with no sex.

[...]

I am still sort of puzzled as to why he even wants a girlfriend or wife. If I had no sexual feelings towards men, I don't think I would want a boyfriend or husband.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience and that you had to go through that. It does sound like you did the right thing if the realtionship was ultimately making you unhappy. I wish you all the very best in moving on.

He probably wanted a girlfriend or wife for the reason I put in bold. For the other components to a relationship outside of sex. So in that respect he was with you for the same reasons you kept on trying to be with him.

Ultimately though you two obviously were incompatible in an area that was very important to you with no compromise available and so I think you did the right thing.

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I know how you feel about cancelling a wedding, letting down people.

We were scheduled to leave for a week's vacation in 3 weeks with another couple. I am sure I messed that up for everyone involved. But I was not looking forward to it at all. I feel much relief over that now.

Break-ups are so hard. But I have been married and divorced before. And I have been in a marriage that became a sexless one. I know myself and know I do not want to go there again. Everything becomes so much more complicated once a couple are married...it is so very much harder to end. It's expensive as well. And talk about letting people down...

So now I am trying to get through this break-up as best as I can. I would love to call him but I would imagine it would just make it harder for both of us.

The thing is...I don't really think he has any desire to change. And I don't really have any right to expect him to want to. I don't think he has a clear understanding of what it is like to need sexual closeness with your partner. If I would stop acting or doing anything he would percieve as sexual, he would be the happiest guy in the world.

I did try and explain to him that there are women in the world who feel like he does towards sex. And I encouraged him to be totally honest from the start with the next woman.

He is completely honest about everything...evertything but this. I didn't realize what I had gotten into with him until it was too late and I was so emotionally involved that it was this hard to walk away. I don't think he lied. I just don't think he understands sexual people.

I told him that if we continue down this path, we will both end up bitter an hurting each other further. I don't want that. He is such a good guy.

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I told him I thought he was asexual and all I get from him is, well nothing. He says he doesnt think he is. I actually thought that was a good start because he didnt come right out at say no. He just keeps telling me "nothing is wrong".

It sounds like he has his head in the sand about this.

Perhaps he has had for a long time, but on top of it, he's now going to have to face a very real sexual-identity crisis, and if he's an ostrich-type already, he may well just go deeper into denial--at least for a while.

Can you get him to come to AVEN and start exploring this issue?

He doesn't really have the right--in my opinion--to continue with his "nothing" response. You do have the right, as I see it, to hand down an ultimatum.

In any case, I think you two need outside help with this. If you agree, please select a therapist carefully; you want someone who understands sexual dysfunction and who is also knowledgeable--or willing to be educated--about asexuality, which is a legitimate orientation and not a sexual "dysfunction"--though there is some overlap.

He must have reasons he thinks he is sexual. Explore those..somehow. Is it because he likes porn? As I mentioned above, that's not good evidence. Rin suggested that those "two times a month" might really be fulfilling for him. That would be good evidence, in which case there might be a reasonable way to augment his interest enough to reach a compromise.

Well in my mind there is alot wrong. I am way to sexual to handle this and like you, I dont want to have sex with him now because I feel like he is just doing it to make me happy. I cannot even get excited about it. I dont want it.

It's important for you to know whether he's just doing it to make you happy, and right now it may be hard for you to trust anything he says. He sounds rather naive about sexuality...and that's not too surprising; I certainly was for the longest time. Confusion and isolation block understanding.

Please consider getting some professional help.

And...there's that (groan) ace up your sleeve of (wince) talking to his mother. :(

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Hi CU,

I'm married to an asexual wife (17 years), and I'll just toss in my warning that being married does not make this sexual mis-match magically better, it makes it worse. So be very, very careful before taking that step.

I would also like to take exception to Naomi Klein's comment that pornography doesn't whet men's appetites... it whets my appetite something fierce. To my mind, porn isn't something that replaces sex, it's a poor second... a placeholder when you can't have sex.

-Chiaroscuro

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CU,

I have been married for 24yrs to my Asexual husband. I sure wish I had know then about this whole Asexual topic. I dont think my husband even knew he didnt like sex until he matured well into adulthood. He likely preformed since that is what married couples are supose to do, right?

Im sad for him that he had to endure the entire sex scene with me as in the end it really wounded my spirit.

I would say that some pre marital council would be a benifit for you and yours. Better to get this cleared up before you are in a situation where you must stay.

WendyO

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If something (anything) bothers you a great deal, then it should bother your significant other, too. For him to push you away on this topic is a bad sign if it's part of a pattern of denigrating/disrespecting your beliefs/experiences. Your fiance may not be ready for marriage.

It's very easy to have testosterone levels tested - I had it done and the reading came out low-normal. However, there's not a rigid 1-to-1 mapping between t-levels and sex drive, although there's a loose correlation.

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You keep saying you can't live without sex and that you can't marry this guy so then don't.

My simple two cents.

Ha ha! If only life were that simple.

-Chiaroscuro

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