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elham

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elham

In my culture people don't talk about their sexual lives and this causes problem.

I am always thinking about my mum and dad. They are both kind and committed but absolutely unhappy together yet they never talk about it in sexual terms. The fact that they never like to be together always offends me and I often ask myself what is their problem. Today, when I've read some points about sexual-asexual relationship here, I think I've found an answer.

The point which I always felt is that mum wants more a physical relationship, dad a nonphysical one.

Though I've never been in a relationship (which is more a cultural issue, I suppose) I ask myself what if my married life turns out to be like theirs? When based on cultural rules I enter a married life without having any experience about my sexual orientation, what if it was too late to change it?

I don't blame anyone, nor my culture or religion, they are part of me, they built me and I'm happy with the person I am, what I want to know is that how I can know how sexual or asexual I am before having any relationship and how I can decide best for my future married life.

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Rin

I think its impossible in this day and age to not be exposed to sexual material. Its on TV, in magazines, internet, newspapers, billboards, posters, radio, flyers, cinema, music. Well everywhere (I don't personally feel its a pressure or anything though but thats me). And through that you are fully able to say how much of it you like or what aspects of it you like on your own.

The fact you are having these questions means you have something to compare to already. You have to know what 'sexual' is to recognise what 'non-sexual' is. You obviously already have an understanding of both.

Therefore I don't think you have to worry about culture being a problem. Unless you lived in a hole in the woods all your life and just happened upon a Wifi laptop a picnicer accidentally left by a tree.

Especially nowadays with the internet, noone with access to the internet these days can claim they only know of the culture in their back garden. The internet opens up the door to a billion cultures.

I don't think you should assume too much about your parents. Maybe they are happy overall, who knows. But its their choice. If you're concerned for them you could always talk to them. I imagine however that if you haven't spoken to them before about it, then you probably feel it's their own business.

I think you have your own life and you are a separate entity to your parents. There are alot of families out there with 2 kids who are both as different as chalk and cheese and thats a big sign that parental upbringing alone is no bearing on how people turn out. The fact you grew up with them and they also lived in the same neighborhood are only two components to who you are as a person. You've lived your own life and everyone is different. So you should be confident that you are your own person and how other people are around you doesn't have a overriding bearing on how you will be.

So in short. You are already fully equipped to decide for yourself how you feel about certain elements of relationships and what you want. If you feel you don't know what you want yet then there is no rush, take your time, spread your wings. If you suddenly find yourself in a relationship at any time, then take it a day at a time and just be open and communicative with that person as to how comfortable each thing makes you feel.

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jr1

Just follow your heart and don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable

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elham

Thank you. Your answers gave me comfort. You are right Rin, I know what sexuality and asexuality are yet the married life is far and unclear for me and I always ask myself how I am going to manage this or that after marriage; it is not just sexual matters; I have many concerns about bringing up my future children, my way of behaving them and.... People say that I'm thinking too much, they might be right. I like your advice jr1 whenever I trust my inner voice everything goes well, may be I should stop thinking for a moment and go after my heart!

And you are right Rin about sexuality of the present life but not in my country, Iranian society (specially when I was younger had and still) has an asexual media and mainly if you are a girl and you have more tendency for non-sexual facts of life, you almost remain empty minded about sexual matters until marriage. Of course there are a lot to learn on the internet or through whatever way you like but when everything around you is almost asexual you prefer to think about other things which you can talk to your family and friends about. :wink:

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Rin

Hi,

I'm glad my post was of some help.

Sorry I guess I should of known that not all places have media that is as open about such things. I wrongly assumed that you having access to the internet meant you had access to other open media.

I guess we can be extra thankful then that the internet really is an open platform (although some countries do restrict what you see on the internet but I believe there are ways around even that).

Also when it comes to sexuality etc. there is also the biological components to be considered. I don't think media and culture can really fully affect your overall biology, which for alot of people can be a part of what defines them.

Still I really believe you don't have to worry too much about this. I can see your point now that you've explained more about your background. But everyone grows and matures over time. Who you are right at this moment doesn't necessarily reflect who you will be in the future. Your past is a part of you but isn't an overuling force. You can always idle on some relationship forums or other such places to get a feel for things and generally start to associate yourself with such topics to learn more if you feel you're inexperienced. But whatever happens you have the power to make your future whatever you want so you shouldn't feel thethered down by your past.

Best of luck to you, I wish you all the best for the future.

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