TheCousin Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Hello, My cousin Robin posted the other day on this topic. Unfortunately, it received only one or two replies. But folks, I desperately need help and advice on this subject. I'm Robin's cousin "Cindy". And Robin, please forgive me. On another thread, Robin posted that she "outed" herself to me. I was, and still am, okay with the fact that she posted. This site, among other things, has helped her. But frankly, folks, I'm freaked out about this. And about what she said to me. Mentally, I can't process what she told me about herself. Robin says that she has no concept of sex and no understanding of it. She doesn't understand intimacy. Well my friends, as a sexual person, I cannot understand non-sexuality. I'm not slamming anyone on this site. We are who we are. Please understand that I would NEVER abandon Robin. I don't think she's a freak or weirdo or anything. I love her and I always will. I will always think that she is a wonderful, vivacious person. She is a kind, compassionate person too. I'm still okay with her taking the children out because she loves them and they love her (they're at Milennium Park today). I really want to accept this about my cousin. But this feeling of being "freaked out" isn't going away. I know this sounds selfish, but will it take time? What can I do to help myself overcome this feeling? And what can I do for Robin because I love her? Please help me folks. I need HELP in dealing with this and I cannot turn to anyone else. And Robin, if you're reading this, please forgive me. Link to post Share on other sites
Hailtheplatypus Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Welcome to AVEN, I can understand how you feel, a few people felt the same way when I told them. In truth the best thing to do is be supportive and give it time. After awhile you will begin to see how all of your simularities will outweigh the difference of sexuality. Merry Christmas Link to post Share on other sites
User Name Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Talk to her about it. I've talked about it with only one of my close friends, she being sexual and the only woman I truly want to be with. She didn't necessarily freak out when I told her how I felt about her and about my own sexuality, or lack there of, she simply asked me questions about the subject so she could understand me and my feelings better. Your cousin Robin isn't any different now than she was before, so I don't really understand why you'd be freaked out. Are you freaked out about how a person can't want sex, or is it something else? If nothing else, give it time and you'll see she's the same Robin you've always known and loved. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Don't feel freaked out, okay? It's like being dyslexic. You know how some people see words scrambled on the page, because the part of the brain that translates into reading isn't working... ? Well, one of the theories about why some people are asexual is that there is actually a part of the brain which regulates sexuality & stuff. In fact, it has been shown that this part of the brain is different in gay & straight men. So this is why people are beginning to see that being gay might be genetic rather than a "sinful choice." So one theory is that in asexual people, the "sex part" of the brain doesn't "get sex" the way the reading part of the brain doesn't "get words" in a dyslexic person. So think of it as being like that. People who are asexual are just like everyone else but they don't get what's so exciting about sex... ! OKAY??? You know, we live like everyone else, we work & pay bills & do laundry & mail out Christmas cards and go broke shopping for everyone, just like everyone else... but don't find sex to be a big focus in life... so does that help? Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 Cindy, are you heterosexual (not bi)? If so maybe you can think of it like this: You know how it is hard to imagine/understand the mechanics and emotions behind lesbian sex? You know how you just do not want to have sex with women? Have you ever heard guys commenting on some hot chick and looked over and just not gotten it? That is how Robin feels about BOTH genders. Robin can still feel all different kinds of love. Robin might still be interested in romantic relationships. Robin can still have kids if she wants them and be a good mother. In fact, Robin is just like you, except she just doesn't think sex is an appealing recreational activity. There are some sexual people who post on this board. Maybe if you still feel freaked out the best way to understand and feel comfortable with asexuality is to stick around, post, make friends, etc. Welcome to AVEN. Link to post Share on other sites
TheCousin Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 Thanks all When I said "freaked out", well it's only a little. I'm not running around like the sky is falling! But you have to understand that as a sexual person, it is a little hard for me to understand. Just as Robin doesn't understand sexuality, I don't quite understand asexuality. Yes, I am fully heterosexual. I've never been bi or bi-curious. Bi-sexuality and lesbianism are still both forms of sexuality, so I actually do understand those better than asexuality or non-sexuality. But I am trying to understand asexuality and to understand my cousin. I guess that this has been difficult for my mind to process. I do understand, however, that Robin is the same person she's always been. She is a wonderful, compassionate, and vivacious person. To tell you the truth, since she's been to therapy and to this website, she's been much happier these past couple of months. And I would NEVER abandon her. She is my cousin and we are as close as sisters, no matter what. I will always be behind her 100%. I guess I just needed to "vent" and get some feedback. And please continue to send me feedback on this thread. With Love, "Cindy" Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Well... she is lucky to have someone like you. The people in my life would most likely never speak to me again if they knew I wasn't the same as they were... sad, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
TheCousin Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 Thank you. It's gonna take me a little time. I just needed to vent a little as I said above. Robin took the kids to Milennium Park this morning and I was fine with it because, well, the kids love her too. The people in my life would most likely never speak to me again if they knew I wasn't the same as they were... sad, huh? Just as I said that my cousin is the same person she's always been, you too are the same person you've always been. Why should that make a difference? What does matter is the TYPE of person you are inside and how you treat others. Link to post Share on other sites
RobinRoz Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Cindy, I'm not angry with you for posting. I rather expected that a day or so after I told you, it would sink in. I'm not surprised that you are feeling the emotions you do. When I told this to Paul (my brother, Cindy's cousin), he didn't call me for a couple of days. But that's how he deals with things. He sometimes needs to sort things out in his mind and then he'll come around. I'm glad that you did post this. You needed a little help with this and you came to the right place. And I know that how much we love each other will never change. --Robin-- Link to post Share on other sites
Hayley Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 I haven't really got anything useful to contribute, but I just wanted to say how wonderful you cousins seem to be. So supportive and caring. :) If only more of us had that. Link to post Share on other sites
jr1 Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Just accept her. This is no different than if she was born with a different eye color or was taller Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Because I hear the way they talk about black people & hispanic people & people with other religions, they don't like this group of people and that group of people, they think women should stay home and do what they're told, and they think George Bush is the greatest thing to ever happen to this entire world, and they think the war in Iraq is God's plan, etc., etc., etc., and I'd be just giving them another minority to hate, including myself! Link to post Share on other sites
emmarainbow Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 I felt a bit like this the first time someone came out to me as gay. Very much ashamed of feeling so now, but it was a whole new thing to get my head round. Very much sure I wanted to still be friends with that individual, and that I wanted to support them and tried very hard to treat them exactly as I always had. Took me a little while, but definitely got over it. :D One of my best friends now, and certainly my longest. Strange thing is, someone else I know came out to me a few weeks ago, completely out of the blue. And I had the same feeling, though not as strong. Took a couple of days, and the world re-aligned itself slightly and I'm completely fine with it again. It's just an annoying thing my brain does that - I'm not homophobic at all (half my friends are gay!) but once I know someone it's just big news; takes me a while to digest it and not think of their big news everytime I see them. The better I know them, the more any of their news matters to me. Meh. I'm sure you'll get over it! The feeling will go away, and despite it, you still want to be there for Robin, so that feeling doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
TheCousin Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Hello! I want to thank you all for your feedback you gave me. I guess I just needed to get my head straight on this issue. And I guess I just needed to vent too! This can be difficult to understand and even if I never fully understand non-sexuality, the important thing is that I want my cousin to be happy. Besides, there are plenty of things about some of my other relatives that I will never understand! Warmest Love Cindy Link to post Share on other sites
Rin Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Well if you ever think of anything in particular that you would like to understand more about when it comes to a lack of sexual desire etc. then feel free to ask. This whole forum is all about discussing such topics and learning more about such a thing. Almost everyone here, 'non-sexual' or 'sexual' came to try and understand more by asking questions and joining topics. I'm guessing you did a search on the net after hearing the term 'asexual' from Robin and found this site just recently? If so take your time, and have a leisurely look around. I think you should find alot of your questions, whether you know those questions fully yet or not, have been answered in one form or another. I've idled around here for a few years and if you have any particular ideas of things you're not sure about I might rememebr some threads that talked about such subjects or be able to find some. But I reccomend checking things out for yourself. I can't really give much better advice than to just have a look around the forums, there's at least 5 years worth of information that has been accumulated here from discussions and people from all walks of life relating their experiences, more is being added every day. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Yes, I am fully heterosexual. I've never been bi or bi-curious. Bi-sexuality and lesbianism are still both forms of sexuality, so I actually do understand those better than asexuality or non-sexuality. I guess what I forgot to emphasize is that by saying you understand lesbianism better you are focusing on what they ARE attracted to. I was trying to draw attention to what they (or you) are NOT attracted to. The same complete LACK of attraction you feel towards women is the same lack of attraction towards women that Robin feels. The complete LACK of attraction towards men that lesbians feel is the same lack of attraction towards men that Robin feels. If you can possibly imagine yourself in a world of only lesbians, with no men to be attracted to - even to the point where you have never seen a man to know that you would be attracted to one - you might be able imagine yourself as an asexual with a sex drive that doesn't seem to point to anything (there are those types around here). LOL, it seems obvious for me to identify by default with who people are NOT attracted to, and I forget that sexuals generally immediately latch onto what other people ARE attracted to and relate to that. Link to post Share on other sites
spinneret Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Cindy, I don't know how Robin personally feels about intimacy or relationships, but you should know that asexuality in itself doesn't mean not having those things. Many asexuals are very affectionate with friends or partners, desire romantic relationships, and may have and even enjoy sex despite not feeling sexual attraction to their partners. Asexual people are no less whole or loving individuals, they just aren't sexually attracted to others. And asexuality is as broad as heterosexuality or any other orientation in terms of individual preferences or needs. I applaud you for coming here to seek more information and understanding. I hope you find it. Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Hello, My cousin Robin posted the other day on this topic. Unfortunately, it received only one or two replies. But folks, I desperately need help and advice on this subject. I'm Robin's cousin "Cindy". And Robin, please forgive me. On another thread, Robin posted that she "outed" herself to me. I was, and still am, okay with the fact that she posted. This site, among other things, has helped her. But frankly, folks, I'm freaked out about this. And about what she said to me. Mentally, I can't process what she told me about herself. Robin says that she has no concept of sex and no understanding of it. She doesn't understand intimacy. Well my friends, as a sexual person, I cannot understand non-sexuality. I'm not slamming anyone on this site. We are who we are. Please understand that I would NEVER abandon Robin. I don't think she's a freak or weirdo or anything. I love her and I always will. I will always think that she is a wonderful, vivacious person. She is a kind, compassionate person too. I'm still okay with her taking the children out because she loves them and they love her (they're at Milennium Park today). I really want to accept this about my cousin. But this feeling of being "freaked out" isn't going away. I know this sounds selfish, but will it take time? What can I do to help myself overcome this feeling? And what can I do for Robin because I love her? Please help me folks. I need HELP in dealing with this and I cannot turn to anyone else. And Robin, if you're reading this, please forgive me. Hi Cindy, Happy New Year! I'm very close to my cousins too so I understand when you say that you would never abandon Robin, you just haved to get your head around everything. I haven't read anyone else's responses so I don't know if I'm going to be repeating anyone but - first of all...by all means, feel "freaked out" for awhile if you need to. There's time. I mean, think about some kids when they find out one parent is gay. Many of them totally accept after awhile. They just figure 'well, that's something about dad/mum that I didn't know before, now I do, has anything between us changed? No. Okay, get on with life.' I've never outed myself to my cousins, maybe they've read the articles, it's hard to keep anything quiet in our family so I imagine they have and nothing changed between us after the article came out so I think it's just that a cousin's sexuality is such a non-issue in our family, it's not going to be discussed any more than getting new socks are. But I am curious. Is part of you saying "what'd you tell me for?" I just always feel like - when people 'out' themselves to me, if they're gay or if they're having problems in the bedroom or back when everyone was experimenting and people had to tell me about their first time...what'd they tell me for? Link to post Share on other sites
TheCousin Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Thanks for your understanding. Yeah, I was a little freaked out at first. But I'm going to be okay with it. I suspected that something was up with my cousin for the longest. I love her dearly and I hated to see her unhappy. Over the past few months, I noticed she was feeling happier about herself. In a way, when I said "Okay, Robin, out with it." I guess I was kind of asking for it! So that's why she told me. But I'm glad she did. If I don't understand non-sexuality, the thing I really don't understand is intolerance. What difference should it make what a person's orientation is? As others have pointed out, my cousin is still the same person she's always been (she's just more accepting of herself now). So in the long run, it wouldn't matter if she's hetero, bi, lesbian, or asexual. Cindy Link to post Share on other sites
Haunter Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Don't feel freaked out, okay? It's like being dyslexic. You know how some people see words scrambled on the page, because the part of the brain that translates into reading isn't working... ? Well, one of the theories about why some people are asexual is that there is actually a part of the brain which regulates sexuality & stuff. In fact, it has been shown that this part of the brain is different in gay & straight men. So this is why people are beginning to see that being gay might be genetic rather than a "sinful choice." So one theory is that in asexual people, the "sex part" of the brain doesn't "get sex" the way the reading part of the brain doesn't "get words" in a dyslexic person. So think of it as being like that. I resent that. Why should I consider myself the one with the problems just 'cause sexuals are a majority? Well, this big world has repeatedly proved itself to resemble a mental hospital and perhaps - just perhaps - we, asexuals, are the (few) doctors and not the (drove of) pacients. :roll: Link to post Share on other sites
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