Nel0923 Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 Long story short I've never loved long kissing. A sweet goodbye or hello I always love but not a prolonged or multiple kisses in a row. I always just assumed it was a me problem and tolerated to some degree and my husband jokingly years ago made a three kiss rule so even if they were short he wanted three. Over time through the three has gotten longer kisses and he is more insistent to never just do a quick kiss hi. I know he feels rejected if I don't show him this affection so I try to give that to him. However, with consent being a hot topic and pressing on my mind lately I'm starting to be more aware of how he almost holds me there or will force to some degree a kiss or not letting me pull away. By no means is it malicious on his part but how do I bring this up in a way that respects my autonomy and boundaries while also explaining how I want my kids to see consent played out and to understand how body language (mine in this case of tensing or saying no) is also ending consent and should be respected? I don't want him to be hurt or upset and this to be a whole issue for us but also I I'm starting to avoid situations where he may kiss me and I feel the anxiety around it getting worse. I know he would never force anything more but also I don't want to be the blind kid to red flags. Any thoughts/advice please! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metro Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 OK, I’ll state the obvious. If he keeps kissing you while you tense and say ‘no’, you’re married to at least a potential rapist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rynn Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 4 hours ago, Nel0923 said: jokingly years ago made a three kiss rule Was he joking though? I don't think people get to set rules on how often someone else does physical intimacy with them, married or not. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sally Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 5 hours ago, Nel0923 said: Long story short I've never loved long kissing. A sweet goodbye or hello I always love but not a prolonged or multiple kisses in a row. I always just assumed it was a me problem and tolerated to some degree and my husband jokingly years ago made a three kiss rule so even if they were short he wanted three. Over time through the three has gotten longer kisses and he is more insistent to never just do a quick kiss hi. I know he feels rejected if I don't show him this affection so I try to give that to him. However, with consent being a hot topic and pressing on my mind lately I'm starting to be more aware of how he almost holds me there or will force to some degree a kiss or not letting me pull away. By no means is it malicious on his part but how do I bring this up in a way that respects my autonomy and boundaries while also explaining how I want my kids to see consent played out and to understand how body language (mine in this case of tensing or saying no) is also ending consent and should be respected? I don't want him to be hurt or upset and this to be a whole issue for us but also I I'm starting to avoid situations where he may kiss me and I feel the anxiety around it getting worse. I know he would never force anything more but also I don't want to be the blind kid to red flags. Any thoughts/advice please! Since you do not want this forced kissing, the only way to not have to go through it is to say that you don't want it, and you want it to stop. If he is "hurt or upset" at you not wanting to be physically forced, that's too bad. It is a BIG red flag. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liara Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 My ace partner hates kissing, and you know what? I respect that and I don’t kiss her. Did I miss kissing? Yeah. But did I want to make her do something she dislikes? No. That’s just the base of relationship. Respect. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BiGeekFan Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 7 hours ago, Metro said: OK, I’ll state the obvious. If he keeps kissing you while you tense and say ‘no’, you’re married to at least a potential rapist. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eutierria Posted October 3 Share Posted October 3 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: he almost holds me there or will force to some degree a kiss or not letting me pull away. What media does he consume ? Some people copy what is portrayed as "hot" on mainstream media. 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: how do I bring this up in a way that respects my autonomy and boundaries while also explaining how I want my kids to see consent played out and to understand how body language (mine in this case of tensing or saying no) is also ending consent and should be respected? Is it safe for you to show that you have asked a forum this ? Would it become clearer to him how you feel? 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: don't want him to be hurt or upset and this to be a whole issue for us You can't walk on eggshells for life. If someone can't accept boundaries & throws their metaphorical dummy/pacifier out the pram when told no, then they've got a much bigger issue. 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: avoid situations where he may kiss me and I feel the anxiety around it getting worse The surfacing of this feeling is indicating to me that your nervous system no longer feels safe around them. Sometimes the body picks up signals way before the brain is able to compute or accept. 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: always just assumed it was a me problem and tolerated to some degree and my husband jokingly years ago made a three kiss rule so even if they were short he wanted three. Over time through the three has gotten longer kisses and he is more insistent to never just do a quick kiss hi. I know he feels rejected if I don't show him this affection so I try to give that to him. Don't know if it would help seeing it from the perspective of an ace who does enjoy kissing with someone who I've built a strong bond with. As a demisensual ace, this was something that I became really good at with a long-term (allo) partner. Years after that relationship fell apart & months after leaving, I met someone else & that (ace) person wasn't used to that style - I adapted to them (I believe in going at the pace/style of the person who is least comfortable with intimate contact) & let them initiate if they want more. Five years after that, I met another ace who enjoyed & learned from my style but the emotional connection wasn't there. When I checked-in on them that they were still OK, I could feel that it was a cognitive "skill learning" exercise for them which made me feel like a live dummy. Looking back, I suspect it was their way of learning how to become more appealing to allos. That was about three years ago. I don't seek it out & not willing to kiss anyone apart from a potential partner (that would be my demi side). 13 hours ago, Nel0923 said: don't want to be the blind kid to red flags. Your gut instinct already knows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philip027 Posted Sunday at 07:53 AM Share Posted Sunday at 07:53 AM A boundary that isn't enforced is nothing more than a suggestion. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uhtred Posted Tuesday at 02:44 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 02:44 PM Is your dislike of extended kissing part of an overall dislike of physical intimacy, or is it specifically kissing that you don't enjoy? If its just kissing, then you need to tell him that you just don't like it, that its nothing to do with him. He may think the sudden passionate kiss is romantic, so you need to tell him it isn't for you. OTOH if you are asexual and in general don't want physical intimacy, does he know? If not its important that you tell him because that changes everything in a relationship. Its interesting because kissing pretty much the only form of physical intimacy that my wife enjoys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nel0923 Posted Tuesday at 05:02 PM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 05:02 PM 2 hours ago, uhtred said: Is your dislike of extended kissing part of an overall dislike of physical intimacy, or is it specifically kissing that you don't enjoy? If its just kissing, then you need to tell him that you just don't like it, that its nothing to do with him. He may think the sudden passionate kiss is romantic, so you need to tell him it isn't for you. OTOH if you are asexual and in general don't want physical intimacy, does he know? If not its important that you tell him because that changes everything in a relationship. Its interesting because kissing pretty much the only form of physical intimacy that my wife enjoys. Overall for physical intimacy. He knows and is good about respecting my boundaries when it comes to sex and limits for when I do tolerate it, but kissing for some reason doesn't bother me when it's a quick kiss or on cheek/forehead but any duration instantly shifts it in my mind from a loving greeting to a pushing towards sexual and I hate it. I've tried to tell him this and he somewhat gets it and won't try to make out with me by any means but still does more than I want. I guess it's just hesitant for me to take away another thing from him. His love language is physical touch and I feel like ever since I came out it's just me taking away more and more physical touch for him as I become more confident in my boundaries. Im still torn of it's its worth it for me to wager what will be his last straw of taking away too much where he no longer feels loved at all if that makes sense? Is dealing with a longer/three versus one kiss worth it compared to losing my husband of 10 years? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uhtred Posted Tuesday at 09:05 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 09:05 PM 3 hours ago, Nel0923 said: Overall for physical intimacy. He knows and is good about respecting my boundaries when it comes to sex and limits for when I do tolerate it, but kissing for some reason doesn't bother me when it's a quick kiss or on cheek/forehead but any duration instantly shifts it in my mind from a loving greeting to a pushing towards sexual and I hate it. I've tried to tell him this and he somewhat gets it and won't try to make out with me by any means but still does more than I want. I guess it's just hesitant for me to take away another thing from him. His love language is physical touch and I feel like ever since I came out it's just me taking away more and more physical touch for him as I become more confident in my boundaries. Im still torn of it's its worth it for me to wager what will be his last straw of taking away too much where he no longer feels loved at all if that makes sense? Is dealing with a longer/three versus one kiss worth it compared to losing my husband of 10 years? I expect he only enjoys kissing as a shared enjoyed experience and would not want you to put up with kisses you don't want. If his love language is physical touch, and you are asexual, you need to have a really open honest talk. That is a very difficult gap to bridge, and its all to easy for BOTH of you to be unhappy, him still feeling rejected and unloved while you feel your boundaries are constantly being pushed. Its hard but you need to tell him very clearly how you feel, and then you can see if there is any path forward for you together. You've been married 10 years ,I've been married almost 40. These incompatibilities never just go away, and its easy for one or both partners to suffer in silence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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