I feel behind?

[SongofStorms]

I'm 23 and I'm a female college student. It feels like everyone my age has had sex or a casual hookup but me. I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no. Stats and social media make me feel like I'm the odd one out for not participating and especially how people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

[uhtred]

Its not a contest or a race. I'm over 60 and I've never gone to a baseball game.  Am I behind in baseball games?  No, its just something I haven't wanted to do.   If at some point I change my mind, I can go to a game. 

 

I know sex is more tightly coupled to many people's lives, but that is just because they want it to be. its not in any way necessary in order for your life to progress.  

 

 

 

[Philip027]

If you feel like it's overhyped, then it likely is for you.  It certainly was/is for me.

 

It isn't a matter of being "behind"; this isn't a race.  People don't follow the same path nor do they end up at the same destination (unless you consider death to be that destination, anyway)

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, SongofStorms said:

It feels like everyone my age has had sex

Not competing / Not interested = Not in the race = Not bothered. 

 

There's actually no way to tell / figure out. 

 

1 hour ago, SongofStorms said:

casual hookup

Not your thing = don't need to care what other people think. 

 

1 hour ago, SongofStorms said:

people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

Even heterosexual women are opting out of sexual relationships with men. 

 

 

1 hour ago, SongofStorms said:

I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no.

You're smart. They can't control a young woman the way they thought they could.

 

You're winning at life & figured out something that has taken others decades more to figure out. Keep going(!)

[SongofStorms]

27 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

Not competing / Not interested = Not in the race = Not bothered. 

 

There's actually no way to tell / figure out. 

 

Not your thing = don't need to care what other people think. 

 

Even heterosexual women are opting out of sexual relationships with men. 

 

 

You're smart. They can't control a young woman the way they thought they could.

 

You're winning at life & figured out something that has taken others decades more to figure out. Keep going(!)

What do you mean?

[Sister Mercurial]

There are a gazillion things in which different people, companies, media or pressure groups try to convince you that you "should" be participating.  Literally no one has the time to be involved with them all, even if they were all compatible.  If you are deciding what interests you and ignoring what doesn't, however popular or otherwise the activities in question may be, then even someone who disagrees with your opinions won't be able to fault your integrity.  

[LeChat]

2 hours ago, SongofStorms said:

I'm 23 and I'm a female college student. It feels like everyone my age has had sex or a casual hookup but me. I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no. Stats and social media make me feel like I'm the odd one out for not participating and especially how people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

Hi. Thanks, for sharing your experiences.

Your feelings about that are understandable.

 

No worries; you're not alone.

Rest assured, there've been other asexuals who've experienced concerns like that, too, who've shared them on AVEN.

 

If it helps, there's AVEN's "20s" thread in the Older Asexuals forum, in case you might like to chat with others around your age who might relate to your current college experiences.

[thylacine]

3 hours ago, SongofStorms said:

I'm 23 and I'm a female college student. It feels like everyone my age has had sex or a casual hookup but me. I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no. Stats and social media make me feel like I'm the odd one out for not participating and especially how people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

Just remember that it's your body and no one else has any right to tell you what to do.

[Jade Cross Lord Of Toys]

4 hours ago, SongofStorms said:

I'm 23 and I'm a female college student. It feels like everyone my age has had sex or a casual hookup but me. I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no. Stats and social media make me feel like I'm the odd one out for not participating and especially how people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

Couple of things here. I know youre young and I dont mean this to be like a "old man preaching" but when I was your age, I went through such an exhausting set of years thinking the exact same thing

 

Everyone was having sex, everyone was more "grown up" than me, I was a freak because I never even bother to ask a girl out, let alone have sex with her, I was falling behind on life, etc.

 

This was further exasperated by my parents, among others,  who had been doubling down on the pressure for me to get married and have kids. Telling me "Im not getting younger, when are you giving me grandchildren!?"

 

I genuinely reached such a point of desperation, looking up hours of porn, information on sex, buying toys; it was driving me mad  and I destested every second of it because I never felt any closer to achieving it or being "normal" no matter what I did. 

 

Then, one day, it snapped, and I began looking for the opposite. What it mean to not want sex. I dont mean the old "youre either gay (and not the accepted guy on guy version) sick, or dead" which people repeated ad nauseum and humiliated me for my lack of initiative to bed someone. But what it really meant. 

 

In time I came across this site. If you, in your heart of hearts have no inclination, no desire for it, then politely speaking, tell people to stfu (or ignore them, that worst too), because anyone can say something about ypur life, but absolutely noone is going to bear the consequences of it for you, especially if things go wrong

[SongofStorms]

1 hour ago, Jade Cross Lord Of Toys said:

Couple of things here. I know youre young and I dont mean this to be like a "old man preaching" but when I was your age, I went through such an exhausting set of years thinking the exact same thing

 

Everyone was having sex, everyone was more "grown up" than me, I was a freak because I never even bother to ask a girl out, let alone have sex with her, I was falling behind on life, etc.

 

This was further exasperated by my parents, among others,  who had been doubling down on the pressure for me to get married and have kids. Telling me "Im not getting younger, when are you giving me grandchildren!?"

 

I genuinely reached such a point of desperation, looking up hours of porn, information on sex, buying toys; it was driving me mad  and I destested every second of it because I never felt any closer to achieving it or being "normal" no matter what I did. 

 

Then, one day, it snapped, and I began looking for the opposite. What it mean to not want sex. I dont mean the old "youre either gay (and not the accepted guy on guy version) sick, or dead" which people repeated ad nauseum and humiliated me for my lack of initiative to bed someone. But what it really meant. 

 

In time I came across this site. If you, in your heart of hearts have no inclination, no desire for it, then politely speaking, tell people to stfu (or ignore them, that worst too), because anyone can say something about ypur life, but absolutely noone is going to bear the consequences of it for you, especially if things go wrong

I just don't get what the big deal is. I think I freaked out over stats and what people were doing, but thanks. 

[lilihierax]

I was in a very similar mental situation when I was in my early 20s at college also. This is before realising I'm aroace.  Societal pressure and expectations made me feel like absolute shit about myself; like I was a pathetic failure and a loser.  I very nearly went out and did something I really didn't want to do just to be able to say I wasn't "behind".  I am now extremely glad I stayed true to myself and didn't force myself into doing something that would have made me certainly distressed.

 

That's my advice, regardless of whether you might be ace or not.

[Ksenia]

10 hours ago, Jade Cross Lord Of Toys said:

I genuinely reached such a point of desperation, looking up hours of porn, information on sex, buying toys; it was driving me mad  and I destested every second of it because I never felt any closer to achieving it or being "normal" no matter what I did.   

it was like self imposed conversion  therapy  torture. i undergone it. it never works and it always causes trauma. period. 

[Eutierria]

15 hours ago, SongofStorms said:

What do you mean?

Which response would you like me to elaborate/ expand upon ? 

 

What's helpful ? 

[purple_rain]

19 hours ago, LeChat said:

If it helps, there's AVEN's "20s" thread in the Older Asexuals forum

Off-topic, but the fact that there's a 20s thread in the Older Asexuals forum makes me feel like a dinosaur. 

[TurboTortle]

I'm 22 and I'm in the same spot as you, I also don't get what the big deal is

[TurboTortle]

8 minutes ago, purple_rain said:

Off-topic, but the fact that there's a 20s thread in the Older Asexuals forum makes me feel like a dinosaur. 

There is? 

[purple_rain]

5 minutes ago, TurboTortle said:

There is? 

Yep 

 

 

[SongofStorms]

5 hours ago, Eutierria said:

Which response would you like me to elaborate/ expand upon ? 

 

What's helpful ? 

Uhh everything?

[LeChat]

2 hours ago, purple_rain said:

22 hours ago, LeChat said:

If it helps, there's AVEN's "20s" thread in the Older Asexuals forum...

Off-topic, but the fact that there's a 20s thread in the Older Asexuals forum makes me feel like a dinosaur. 

 

 Hi. Thanks, for your feedback.

That's relatable.

 

I can help pass it along to staff.

 

Thanks, everyone, for helping OP. 

We can go back to that topic.

 

If anyone else has any feedback about anything on the site that might be challenging, or difficult to navigate, you're welcome to me or other Admods (or post suggestions in the Site Comments forum).

 

Thanks!

[daveb]

7 hours ago, purple_rain said:

Off-topic, but the fact that there's a 20s thread in the Older Asexuals forum makes me feel like a dinosaur. 

In terms of AVEN membership numbers being in your 20s might put you above the median age range. I'm not really sure. But the Older Asexuals forum was established because it was hard for older aces to find people around our age here and discussions relevant to us, amongst all of the posts and threads by younger folks. Not that there is anything wrong with younger people. It's just that older aces are a minority here (I'm not talking about 20 somethings, that thread was added by someone at a later date, to mirror other age-related threads).

[MarRister]

On 10/2/2026 at 3:37 PM, SongofStorms said:

I'm 23 and I'm a female college student. It feels like everyone my age has had sex or a casual hookup but me. I've had encounters with men where they wanted that but I said no. Stats and social media make me feel like I'm the odd one out for not participating and especially how people seem to believe that sex is so great. I feel like it's overhyped.

I totally understand the feeling. I also felt that way strongly in the majority of my 20's. It did feel isolating in a way, and in some weird way embarrassing that I didn't want this thing or wasn't comfortable with this thing that was so common and wanted by seemingly everyone around me. 

 

Early 20's are tough, but it does get easier. It was such a big and common topic and college life did not make that any less so. As people get a bit older, mature, focus more on career, get long term partners and shift priorities in life, it becomes talked about a whole lot less. 

 

I was "behind" and I didn't have sex until I felt comfortable with the idea and actually wanted to, at which time I was 27. I also thought men would respond worse to it, but no one I had those early experiences with were put off by my lack of experience. They were sometimes curious and would ask questions, but nothing bad.

 

I found my early sexual experiences fun and exciting, but I didn't change as a person. And I'm still not a very sexually inclined person, which is who I was before with just a little more discomfort added into the mix. I am still me and true to who I always was. 

 

I would never recommend pushing yourself into it just to say you've done it. It likely won't be a positive experience. And if you never want to, then all the power to you, you don't ever have to and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

[SongofStorms]

2 hours ago, MarRister said:

I totally understand the feeling. I also felt that way strongly in the majority of my 20's. It did feel isolating in a way, and in some weird way embarrassing that I didn't want this thing or wasn't comfortable with this thing that was so common and wanted by seemingly everyone around me. 

 

Early 20's are tough, but it does get easier. It was such a big and common topic and college life did not make that any less so. As people get a bit older, mature, focus more on career, get long term partners and shift priorities in life, it becomes talked about a whole lot less. 

 

I was "behind" and I didn't have sex until I felt comfortable with the idea and actually wanted to, at which time I was 27. I also thought men would respond worse to it, but no one I had those early experiences with were put off by my lack of experience. They were sometimes curious and would ask questions, but nothing bad.

 

I found my early sexual experiences fun and exciting, but I didn't change as a person. And I'm still not a very sexually inclined person, which is who I was before with just a little more discomfort added into the mix. I am still me and true to who I always was. 

 

I would never recommend pushing yourself into it just to say you've done it. It likely won't be a positive experience. And if you never want to, then all the power to you, you don't ever have to and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

I still don't get why people have to do it? It seems unnecessary for something that lasts short term? I think people overreact but good to know.

[MarRister]

7 hours ago, SongofStorms said:

I still don't get why people have to do it? It seems unnecessary for something that lasts short term? I think people overreact but good to know.

People don't have to, they want to. And often that want is projected to everyone else, like if someone really likes chocolate they are surprised when they meet someone who doesn't like it. 

 

It is a personal thing to people too though. How meaningful or enjoyable sex is, is different person to person. So if it is something people strongly connect themselves to it is going to feel important to them, but that doesn't mean it has to be important to anyone else. 

 

People can over hype it for sure, but there are also those who genuinely feel that hype for themselves. 

[purple_rain]

19 hours ago, LeChat said:

 

 Hi. Thanks, for your feedback.

That's relatable.

 

I can help pass it along to staff.

(Sorry guys, if what I wrote came across as criticism. It wasn't, I was just joking. I should have added an emoji.)

[Eutierria]

On 10/3/2026 at 9:57 PM, SongofStorms said:

Uhh everything?

I believe you may have the responses you are looking for from others who have contributed. 

 

I read back my brief sentences & realised I was answering from a place which required similar lived experience for people to pick up on what I had meant. 

 

Hopefully the following elaboration help make those initial sentences clearer. 

 

On 10/3/2026 at 12:05 AM, Eutierria said:

Not competing / Not interested = Not in the race = Not bothered. 

 

There's actually no way to tell / figure out. 

Try not to feel so disheartened. None of us are on the same timeline, living the same lives or have the same desires in life. 

 

Unless you were the one to have had sex with "everyone", there is no way to know whether this is factually true.