Please help me stop being aphobic [TW: possible Aphobia]

[Voronda]

Just as the title says. It's been months, if not years, of evidence piling up that I am an inveterate aphobe and that I absolutely struggle with changing my heart to make myself stop. Being an unsafe person is the exact opposite of what I want in life, but every single effort I have put towards becoming better seems to reveal a worse interior to myself. 

 

Especially, one of the people in an online community I share is being really, really hurt by things that I do sometimes, or don't adequately condemn. Here are some of the accusations that he has made, which apply to me because I am not a member of the aro/ace community, but I am most certainly an allosexual living comfortably in the allosexual world:

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User 1

User 1:

To be quite honest with you all I do think that aro/ace-spectrum fans in fandoms where people are desperately inventing crossover ships and humanizing non-human characters in order to have a conventionally attractive guy to ship the main character with, instead of possibly having to enjoy a story with no romance in it, have the right to refer to everyone else as cowards.

Sorry you almost had to entertain the idea that people like me exist, I’m sure that was very painful for you.

This post has officially reached the “Let people enjoy things” crowd so I’m just going to come right and say it: Do I or do I not also count as a people.

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Anyway the real questions I’d like to ask allo people in fandom in an attempt to get them to understand maybe a little bit why aro and/or ace fans feel so upset and lonely all the time are:

• Do you have any aro/ace headcanons? Are they of main characters? Your favorite characters? Characters you even like?
• When was the last time you read a fic that featured an aro/ace character? Did you bookmark it? Did you leave a comment? Have you ever put one on a reclist?
• Have you ever participated in a genfic exchange? Have you ever considered that things like exchanges rely in part on having a certain number of participants, otherwise assignments won’t work?
• Have you ever had your art tagged with the name of a ship you didn’t personally like? How did that make you feel? Have you ever thought about the fact that other people might feel the same way? Maybe even about the ships you do like?

Bonus hard round:

• Have you ever considered what kind of a message it sends to say “Just let me write stories/make art/reblog posts about the things I like!” and to then exclude an entire group of marginalized people from “The things you like”

(In practice, I think my most honestly answers to these questions would be 1) not really because I don't tend to have solid sexuality headcanons for characters, 2) I don't remember, and I rarely bookmark or rec anything at all, 3) not a genfic-specific one, but I have produced and requested genfic in multiple generalist exchanges (and was given the impression that this was homophobic behaviour on my part), 4) no because I don't make art, and 5) well, I thought that doing the things I liked sent the message that those were things I liked, and most other things fell into the category of "things I'm neutral on or have no particularly important statements about".) 

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One thing that’s been striking me seeing the tags on my post that’s going around is how many people have said things along the lines of “This is why I don’t look up the things I like anymore/why I don’t participate in fandom anymore”

Which is of course heartbreaking to me and not something I’m going to blame the aspec people who feel that way for, but I do think it highlights something else really significant. I’ve also gotten the usual comments from people saying “Well if you like aro/ace headcanons or genfic or whatever, you should just make your own things about it”

–And that would be somewhat cruel to say to someone venting about their experiences feeling marginalized in fandom regardless of the other circumstances, but it also ignores the fact that my audience and potential fellow creators are being driven from fandom in droves.

Definitely implies that I am actively driving people out of the things they love by not publicly being more ace/aro positive in outspoken and visible ways.

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User 2:

Gotta love how everything aspecs do is misinterpreted as ill-intentioned. How romance repulsion is seen as repulsion to specifically gay romance i.e. homophobia. How aros talking about the overemphasis on romance over friendship in fandom is seen as an attack on gay ships, how aros saying “it doesn’t have to be romantic” is conflated with homophobes saying “it doesn’t have to be gay”. How aces complaining about unnecessary sex scenes in media is equated to censorship. How aspecs talking about allos or even using the word “allo” is treated as an evil conspiracy to “lump gay people with their oppressors” or whatever. Gotta love how no matter what we say no one will listen and people will find a way to vilify it.

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What really kills me about the posts of mine that people decide to get into hashtag discourse on is that frankly, I think aromantic and asexual rep in fiction is like…… not insignificant, and certainly still important, but in many ways it is the least of our concerns.

But unfortunately people are incapable of being normal about it as a topic, which really does not bode well for trying to have more serious conversations about structural amatonormativity and allonormativity.

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User 3

i’m gonna hold people in fandom’s hands while i say this gently and slowly (bc we get pelted with hammers when we don’t baby people in the most deferential way possible on the subject) but it is actually possible to have fun and make jokes and enjoy yourself without treating aromantic and asexual people like shit. yes even if your favourite fandom activity is shipping.

And this must be presumed to be true, that I do "pelt people with hammers" and "am incapable of being normal" and "vilify [and dehumanize]" aces no matter what, because I am allosexual and to deny that I personally do this is to deny my own culpability in all of these phenomena. 

 

But I also don't know how to do better.

• I have already deleted all of my fanfiction (of which 23% was NOT genfic, and of that genfic, NONE of it was tagged with "asexual character" or "asexual headcanon" but just with "gen") and attempted to delete the rest of my social media accounts and presence, so that these phenomena would at least be minimized for the ace community to run into online. (Some of the deletions failed due to platform and community rules, though.)
• I have blocked a large number of my friends who might tempt me to go back in
• I have decided to never try to date anyone or ever have sex with anyone in my life, to reduce the risk that I might be unknowingly pressuring them into sexual activity that they do not want to have
• I have explicitly apologized to this community member for being aphobic, and offered to leave the community if he'd rather I not be there, and offered him the opportunity to call me out if necessary, but he ignored me
• I have brought this issue up to multiple therapists, all of whom reassure me in the moment, but then I end up encountering more evidence of my bigotry immediately afterwards, so I feel like I'm somehow not communicating with them properly. 
• I have tried to obtain resources for deradicalization, but PFLAG is always busy when I phone them so my calls get dropped; telling my social worker that I am aware I'm aphobic and want help connecting to deradicalization initiatives gets her trying to set me up with autism supports instead; and even calling the actual police gets me told that nobody can help me unless I have perpetrated an actual hate incident. (Which, you know, is the thing I specifically want to avoid doing.)

And none of this has done anything. None of this has reduced the number of general callouts I'm experiencing for being an allosexual who has occasionally had a shippy thought, and therefore an aphobe. (And those shippy thoughts aren't frequent, which renders me a homophobe as well, frustratingly.) None of this has made any asexuals feel any more comfortable in any online spaces I was present in. 

 

I'm starting to feel like maybe nothing actually will work. Like it might just be impossible to fix my heart and stop being so hateful like this, while also having any interpersonal interaction with other human beings and pursuing any activities of daily living. 

 

Has anyone actually solved this? Has anyone found a technique to fix their heart, to stop themselves from dehumanizing the asexuals in their lives and stop constantly marginalizing them just by virtue of being allosexual and thinking that fandom shipping is annoying but not actually immoral? Or am I basically doomed to be a bigot forever, if I haven't changed my mind by now despite putting in significant effort?

Edited Sunday at 02:03 PM by iff

[Sister Mercurial]

Wait ... all this is about some random people on the internet thinking they can write better stories about fictional characters than the people who invented the fictional characters?  Reading this, I think everybody involved needs to step away from the computer and touch grass for a while (and for the avoidance of doubt, I'm not referring to Mary Jane).  

[Philip027]

tl;dr version please.  This is hard to follow.  What exactly makes you "aphobic"?

 

As a general suggestion though, you should stop giving so much of a shit about what random internet blowhards think.  Someone isn't "aphobic" for shipping fictional characters; that's a ridiculous notion.

 

2 hours ago, Voronda said:

I have decided to never try to date anyone or ever have sex with anyone in my life, to reduce the risk that I might be unknowingly pressuring them into sexual activity that they do not want to have

That isn't healthy.  Put a little trust in the other person; they are (presumably) an adult and ought to be quite capable of using their words/actions to communicate what they do or do not want to do.  If they fail to do that, that isn't on you.

 

It seems like you are needlessly piling on a lot of blame/responsibility on yourself that isn't actually yours.

Edited October 2 by Philip027

[Voronda]

Tl:dr the people I know online keep making statements that imply I'm aphobic due to some combination of being allosexual; not prioritizing representing them in my online activity; not believing that it's immoral to write shipfic (even if it's shipfic about Project Hail Mary); not intentionally writing representation for them; generally kind of existing in a society that is aphobic and therefore I've absorbed those biases; and potentially other causes I have failed to identify. The fact that I am struggling to identify exactly what makes me aphobic and what I should do about it is really interfering with my ability to, you know, actually Stop Being Aphobic and start behaving in a way that will be respectful to them and not hurt their feelings. 

[BiGeekFan]

It's fandom. And someone is always going to be complaining that sometime else is doing it wrong and justifying preferences with social justice wank. I think most "you don't write what I want to read" people are cranks. And there's a huge difference in power between Disney, Marvel, and Paramount vs. creative fan work.

 

(To answer the first question, yes I write aro and ace characters. Sometimes they're even main characters in source material, and usually a favorite character. The other questions are not especially relevant to how I do fandom.)

[nanogretchen4]

All the posts within posts by various people I don't know are very confusing. My overall impression is that you are existing while not asexual or aromantic, but are not particularly aphobic. Maybe you wrote some fanfics where certain fictional characters were in sexual or romantic relationships. And then maybe a tiny clique within the asexual and/or aromantic communities went ballistic because in their headcanon, these fictional characters were asexual and/or aromantic. And now you have internalized their trolling to the extent that it has severely impacted your writing, your personal life, and your mental health. 

 

Here's the thing. As long as you tagged your stories in the appropriate categories, you harmed absolutely know one. If somebody is not looking for romance or spice, or if you write a character differently from how they imagined them, all they have to do is not read your stories. 

 

By the same token, if people post really mean things in your comments, I'm pretty sure you can delete those comments and probably block the trolls. 

 

Please try your best to forget about the trolls and move on with your life.

[thatgrace]

I'm having a hard time understanding your original post as I am quite removed from that part of the online world but if you are talking about people criticizing fiction you write then..... Not representing every group in your writing doesn't make you aphobic.  You don't have to represent everyone.  Also, if you are allo... it might not be possible for you to represent authentically and you risk stereotyping or doing something superficial unless you do a LOT of research.  People would be angry if you did that.  Seems like you could be criticized either way.  I say do what you love, write what you know and don't worry.  I think us aces are used to not being represented well or at all in fiction.   It would be great to see more representation but it doesn't have to be in EVERYTHING.  Also... aces have relationships...and some even have sex.  An absence of ace/aro characters isn't aphobic, in my view.  If you misrepresent or say hateful things, for example, then maybe.  Tell those people to do their own writing.

 

As far as dating and sex.... it feels extreme to say you aren't going to date for fear of hurting an ace/aro.  First of all, we are a small percentage of the population.  Just communicate.  Be open with your partner and ensure that they are safe to be open with you.....when you find someone and you are ready. There is no rush for any of it. I like what @Philip027  says about having trust in your partner.  You both need to be open and communicate clearly what you want and don't want in a relationship, a friendship or anything else.

[Voronda]

Okay to be more fair about the dating thing, while aces and aros are a small proportion of the population, the exact same problem could arise if I found myself dating, for example, a closeted gay person, or a closeted trans person, or really anybody who wasn't fully into me but felt social pressure to pretend to be. And even someone who was fully into me might not be fully into me all the time, and it's possible I could even then end up unintentionally pressuring them into sex with me when they didn't want it.

 

Edit: additional context, I have stressed about this one basically since I was a preteen and found out that it was possible to have sex with someone that they might not want. This is not a "too online" thing, this is just the literal result of me being aware that sexual consent exists.

[LateToAce]

If this actually an honest question ( I’m going to assume it’s honest) then the issue is readily solved by really getting to know people and establishing excellent communication with them before doing any sexual or romantic act. If you have really good communication, you can share your fears and the other person can share their feelings. If you notice that what someone does does not seem to align with what they say, you can ask about that in a non defensive and non accusatory way, and the other person can discuss it with you to the best of their ability.

 

Its not your responsibility to mind read people, just to work on skills and connections so they can be their authentic self in your company, and you can do what you can to create a relationship based on good communication so the other person can do their best to share what their experience is. 
 

This all seems very hyperbolic and online. Perhaps a break to reconnect with offline pursuits and people would help in letting you process this. 

[Philip027]

5 hours ago, Voronda said:

Tl:dr the people I know online keep making statements that imply I'm aphobic due to some combination of being allosexual; not prioritizing representing them in my online activity; not believing that it's immoral to write shipfic (even if it's shipfic about Project Hail Mary); not intentionally writing representation for them; generally kind of existing in a society that is aphobic and therefore I've absorbed those biases; and potentially other causes I have failed to identify. The fact that I am struggling to identify exactly what makes me aphobic and what I should do about it is really interfering with my ability to, you know, actually Stop Being Aphobic and start behaving in a way that will be respectful to them and not hurt their feelings. 

None of these things are actual examples of being aphobic

 

Terminally online people (aka people that need to go out and "touch grass" as the saying goes) love throwing out transphobe, aphobe, etc accusations at anything they perceive as a slight against them, even when it's clearly not the intent to anyone with half a brain.  These people often aren't using the terminology correctly, and often don't understand exactly what a -phobia even is.  The opinions of such people should be dismissed accordingly.