Redefining marriage as platonic with ENM

[LiberatedLove]

I've found heaps of support reading this forum over the past year or so and would like to offer something back in case it helps anyone else.

 

My husband and I have agreed our sex life of c.30 years is over. We have agreed our marriage is now platonic. A huge relief: takes away the years of emotional exhaustion of trying to make a compromise work. He doesn't like labels, but has said he has never really been bothered about sex and never wants to have sex again with anyone. And I am not willing to be celibate at age 55. We have 3 adult offspring.

 

Because neither of us wants a divorce, he has said he is willing for me to have sex with who I like.  Although I have said I'm happy for him to do so too (equality), he says has no intention of doing so. He would also be happy never to discuss any of this ever again....

 

So, I find myself in a new and unknown reality: married and loyal for 29 years and now free to explore ethical non monogamy whilst in a platonic marriage. 

 

This brief summary belies the years of heartache it has taken to get to this point. It feels as I am entering completely new territory. I don't know of anyone in a situation like mine. I'm happy to share my experience or answer questions as it unfolds if it would be helpful to anyone else. And I'd be very grateful for dialogue with anyone whose own situation is similar. 

 

[Olallieberry]

4 minutes ago, LiberatedLove said:

I don't know of anyone in a situation like mine

I wouldn't quite call my marriage "platonic." If that were really all it were, I don't think I'd stay. But my wife and I went through something similar.

 

This part concerns me a little:

 

5 minutes ago, LiberatedLove said:

He would also be happy never to discuss any of this ever again....

This could lead to trouble. He might have a lot of unspoken ideas about what "you sleeping with who you like" means, and you might find that if you go ahead and do it, it didn't match his presumptions about what he's saying "okay" to. The more you talk about that, the less likely it is you will find yourselves not on the same page.

[LiberatedLove]

Thanks for your heads-up. Yes, my preference would be lots of open discussion. However, I'm exhausted with initiating all and any conversations about it all over so many years.  Every time we discuss our intimate relationship, he says it's awful for him. And for me, every time he avoids or distracts from discussing it, this is awful for me. So I am giving myself a break. I have done a lot of work to connect with my compassion for myself and for him through all this and am now drawing a boundary over what is and what isn't my responsibility. If he is not willing or wanting dialogue about it, this is his choice, and with every choice comes consequences. I respect the choice he is making right now and I also realise it may lead to problems in due course. I will try to act with integrity and care. 

[J98]

Thank you for sharing your story. My wife and I are in a committed, very loving relationship. It's been a sexless marriage for at least six of our 17 years together. Neither of us have ever fully come to grips with her being ace (I learned a catchy new term!) and I've felt inadequate, alone and guilty (because I still want sex) for so long. I have no idea how to move forward other than self-denying celibacy (I love her too much to leave her over sex) but it's helped tremendously to find this forum and realize I'm not alone.

[Nordic_fox]

19 hours ago, LiberatedLove said:

Because neither of us wants a divorce, he has said he is willing for me to have sex with who I like.  Although I have said I'm happy for him to do so too (equality), he says has no intention of doing so. He would also be happy never to discuss any of this ever again....

 

So, I find myself in a new and unknown reality: married and loyal for 29 years and now free to explore ethical non monogamy whilst in a platonic marriage. 

This is pretty much my (M40) situation as well.

 

19 hours ago, LiberatedLove said:

However, I'm exhausted with initiating all and any conversations about it all over so many years. 

And this. Though my wife is more generally uninterested in talking about it than it being actively negative for her. It takes time between each time I hit the right moment to bring up some discussion points. But I have managed to discuss some option, which I prefer, what she is not ok with and some borders. So I take this as being free to explore however I want within that frame. I am also open about everything I do and every event I go to, to give her a chance to discuss it or object. She has so far chosen not to, so I just respect her decision even though I would also have liked deeper discussions. 

 

But one thing surprised me a bit, that she is taking a seemingly genuine interest in how it's going on dating apps. So that is reassuring. This is really the first topic in years (that I can remember) that she has brought up on her own initiative. So I interpret her general lack of interest in wanting to discuss CNM much as a more of a "this doesn't concern me" attitude rather than "It hurts to talk about this". 

[LiberatedLove]

On 4/6/2026 at 12:01 AM, J98 said:

I have no idea how to move forward

Everyone's situation is unique and for me, I got quite a lot of ideas and inspiration about how to move forward from this forum. It might sound odd but before deciding how to move forward, I found it crucial to make the decision that I was going to pursue change, and that the status quo was no longer something I was happy to go along with. Choosing change was my first step. How to make the change then became my focus. 

[uhtred]

On 4/5/2026 at 1:01 PM, LiberatedLove said:

I've found heaps of support reading this forum over the past year or so and would like to offer something back in case it helps anyone else.

 

My husband and I have agreed our sex life of c.30 years is over. We have agreed our marriage is now platonic. A huge relief: takes away the years of emotional exhaustion of trying to make a compromise work. He doesn't like labels, but has said he has never really been bothered about sex and never wants to have sex again with anyone. And I am not willing to be celibate at age 55. We have 3 adult offspring.

 

Because neither of us wants a divorce, he has said he is willing for me to have sex with who I like.  Although I have said I'm happy for him to do so too (equality), he says has no intention of doing so. He would also be happy never to discuss any of this ever again....

 

So, I find myself in a new and unknown reality: married and loyal for 29 years and now free to explore ethical non monogamy whilst in a platonic marriage. 

 

This brief summary belies the years of heartache it has taken to get to this point. It feels as I am entering completely new territory. I don't know of anyone in a situation like mine. I'm happy to share my experience or answer questions as it unfolds if it would be helpful to anyone else. And I'd be very grateful for dialogue with anyone whose own situation is similar. 

 

One thing to think about is what sex means to you.  For some people its an inseparable part of romance and love.  For others its just a fun thing to do with a partner.   Whatever it means to you is completely OK, there is no pass / fail test, but I think its important in understanding what you are looking for.   

 

Another part that is somewhat independent is whether sex causes you to form an emotional bond and do you want / need that and the associated risks? Do you want one-off sex with strangers (assuming physical safety is taken care of) or finding a long term partner? If the latter, can that stay as just fun sex or will it turn into love? If so will that break your marriage?

 

The other question that is easy to forget is that you need to understand the above for the other partner as well.  I know more than one person who got into a sexual relationship (one time in an ENM situation, one in a cheating situation) where they just wanted fun sex, but their partner fell for them emotionally and the situation became very difficult. 

 

You have every right to have a fun active sex life . The question is whether there is a way for that to work while remaining in your marriage.   Its a problem very much worth solving. I've let it go too long in my case and I very much regret that.  

[J98]

11 hours ago, LiberatedLove said:

Choosing change was my first step. How to make the change then became my focus. 

Thank you for this. I have begun to work through this phase of the process. I've been stuck in the "maybe things will change if I just keep trying and am patient" loop for a very long time. I can't and shouldn't expect my wife to change who she is. But I'm done forcing myself to deny who I am. Something needs to change. I'm scared of ruining all the other great parts of our marriage, but I'm living an unhappy lie about my needs, and I think I've surpassed my ability to do that quietly. Whether it's co-dependence or cowardice, I've been silent about my needs too long.

[J98]

46 minutes ago, uhtred said:

One thing to think about is what sex means to you. 

I wish it fit neatly into a clear "romantic sex vs. fun sex" dichotomy. I am very romantically, emotionally, physically and spiritually attracted to my wife. She reciprocates all but the physical. I'm absolutely not wanting to replace those emotional/spiritual bonds. Obviously clear boundaries would be needed with a partner in any ENM relationship. But just "fun sex" isn't going to replace what I'm missing, especially if it's just fun for me. I'd need to be connected enough with a partner to know we were both there out of desire (which means compatibility on at least a friendship level) and shared give/take. Nothing against sex workers but that would do nothing for me, because it's transactional. My wife has said she could "force herself" into having sex if that's what I need. Aside from the obvious issue of coercion, that would do nothing for me because, again, it's one-sided and transactional. Mutual desire and mutual gratification--that's what I am missing. But can that safely exist without jealousy or unintended romantic attachment? 

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, J98 said:

just "fun sex" isn't going to replace what I'm missing

Speaking for myself, I agree with this, but at the same time, it goes a long long long way toward making my marriage sustainable.

 

Others' mileage may vary.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, J98 said:

Mutual desire and mutual gratification--that's what I am missing. But can that safely exist without jealousy or unintended romantic attachment? 

It's worth trying! I am completely transparent with potential partners about this. If they were to catch feelings, they know my boundaries.

 

The way it has worked out for me is that I find that I don't take advantage of my "hall pass" very often at all. Just knowing that I can is almost enough. It brought an end to that feeling of being stuck with no prospect at all of mutual desire and mutual gratification as long as we both shall live.

I did exercise the privilege a few times early on in the days of our ENM agreement, and mostly what effect that had was to confirm for both of us that it was real and would remain in place. With confidence in that, I'm not super driven to go out and to pursue hookups. Instead, I have the good feeling of knowing that if something organically comes up in my ordinary social life, I'm free to make myself available. And that's really satisfying. Even when there's nothing happening. The fact that it could is such a relief.

[J98]

28 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

The fact that it could is such a relief.

I get that 100%. Even when I was single I didn't go out seeking random hookups. And now, I don't know where I'd begin to find the time for dating. But just knowing my wife valued my needs and trusted me enough to open the door would remove a huge fog from our marriage, and sex or not, I think it would enhance our marriage ... but I am still mustering up the courage for that conversation. Did have an initial consult with an ENM-specialist therapist today, so, baby steps...

[LiberatedLove]

23 hours ago, uhtred said:

The question is whether there is a way for that to work while remaining in your marriage

I really appreciate all the things you're encouraging me to consider - thank you. My honest answer is that I don't yet know! It is very early days for me, after more than 3 decades of monogamy and a mostly unfulfilling sex life, or lack of one. So I have very few reference points!  One of my strengths is candour and I've become confident over the years at holding boundaries and following my integrity, so I trust myself to take this one step of discovery at a time. I will certainly give some consideration to the possible complications you've suggested, whilst giving myself some space to simply see what (if anything) emerges. I'm sorry to hear about your regrets and hope you're finding your way through. 

[LiberatedLove]

22 hours ago, J98 said:

Thank you for this. I have begun to work through this phase of the process. I've been stuck in the "maybe things will change if I just keep trying and am patient" loop for a very long time. I can't and shouldn't expect my wife to change who she is. But I'm done forcing myself to deny who I am. Something needs to change. I'm scared of ruining all the other great parts of our marriage, but I'm living an unhappy lie about my needs, and I think I've surpassed my ability to do that quietly. Whether it's co-dependence or cowardice, I've been silent about my needs too long.

In case this helps at all ... key for me was openly saying "Since you told me you don't ever want to have sex again, and since we tried compromising (without intercourse) and it wasn't enjoyable for either of us, I've been mourning the loss of sexual intimacy with you and feeling deep grief that this isn't going to be part of our future together. It has been a shock for me to come to terms with this, and has taken me a long time. 

I love, support and accept you as you are and celebrate many aspects of our life we've built together, I would also like to feel fully accepted by you as I am, with my sexuality. And now the time has come for me to openly acknowledge that our sexual relationship is over and as such, from my perspective, we no longer have a conventional marriage. I would like to discuss what we each wants from our relationship for the future, and whether we might want to understand / renegotiate our expectations of each other? Would you be open to a conversation about this?

Also: We have tried 2 of the 4 options we have in front of us (celibacy and compromise - both unsustainable) so I'm wondering what you suggest we could do in the dilemma we find ourselves in? 

Or something along those lines.... It had a positive impact and was key to my husband moving from passive avoidance / ostrich with his head in the sand to engaging in the reality that I was no longer going to continue this way.

I had to prepare myself for the possibility he would opt for divorce. That was the scariest bit for me. I was open that I am not looking for an alternative life partner or to abandon our marriage, and am not prepared to have an affair or be dishonest with him. But I do want equality in the marriage so that our very different sexual needs are respected (in his case, none and in my case freedom to find fulfilment)

[J98]

1 hour ago, LiberatedLove said:

I had to prepare myself for the possibility he would opt for divorce. That was the scariest bit for me. 

Thank you for all of this. What I'm struggling with right now is this same fear: that just bringing up the discussion of me finding physical fulfillment outside the marriage will lead to an immediate conclusion of "if that's what you need, maybe we need to divorce." That's not what I want, but I need to come to some peace with that as a potential outcome, or I'm just going to keep avoiding the topic and she's going to remain comfortably satisfied with the status quo, which is (and I'm having to rationalize my way through the guilt in just writing this) not sustainable for me. 

[Olallieberry]

41 minutes ago, J98 said:

That's not what I want, but I need to come to some peace with that as a potential outcome, or I'm just going to keep avoiding the topic and she's going to remain comfortably satisfied

There's room in between those two extremes.

 

I do agree with coming to some sort of peace with that as a potential outcome. But it doesn't mean it will happen, and it doesn't mean the only other alternative is nobody saying anything, either. She could very well have the "maybe we should divorce" reaction, but you'll still be there to talk her out of it.

 

But you'll both know what the stakes are. And you'll both decide how hard you each want to work on staying together. That initial "yikes" reaction doesn't have to define the outcome. It might, but it might not.

 

You know her better than any of us. If she had that reaction, is that all there is to it, or, could she remain present and attentive long enough to start to see it differently? Could/would she believe you when you say that isn't what you want? If she did believe it, would it make any difference or would she, herself, just want to give up and divorce?

[J98]

16 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I do agree with coming to some sort of peace with that as a potential outcome. But it doesn't mean it will happen, and it doesn't mean the only other alternative is nobody saying anything, either.

Thank you. I don't think either of us want divorce or separation. I think the only red line for me is if she doesn't want to address the issue at all. That's a real possibility, but I am probably not giving her enough credit and I certainly haven't (yet) done my part in clearly articulating my needs and concerns. 

[J98]

I want to thank you all for your compassionate feedback. I have set myself a soft deadline of today to open the conversation with her of my concerns (no recommendations of possible resolution beyond seeing the therapist -- just outlining my concerns and asking for ongoing dialogue). I say soft deadline because I don't want to open this up if she's having a bad day, not feeling well etc. Updates to follow...

[J98]

5 hours ago, J98 said:

I want to thank you all for your compassionate feedback. I have set myself a soft deadline of today to open the conversation with her of my concerns (no recommendations of possible resolution beyond seeing the therapist -- just outlining my concerns and asking for ongoing dialogue). I say soft deadline because I don't want to open this up if she's having a bad day, not feeling well etc. Updates to follow...

Had the conversation today and there's definitely some things to work through but hopeful. Didn't broach the topic of ENM -- I think it's best to let that come up naturally in therapy. She got pretty defensive in the middle and resisted the idea of therapy. We live in a very conservative part of the country and all-too-often "marriage counseling" here is just telling the woman to "be a good Christian and submit." Lots of reassurance got us past that hurdle, then "well I'm really happy with our relationship, if you're the one with the 'problem' maybe you should just go to counseling on your own." Then she suggested I just needed to work on my "need for sex," and that if I had better self-esteem I wouldn't need that kind of "external validation." Not very long ago I would've caved at that point, but I was able to remain assertive -- "I love you, and that doesn't hinge on my need for sex, but my needs aren't unhealthy or a problem that needs to be fixed, no more than your lack of desire for sex (she rejects asexual as a label)." Agreed on co-therapy with a reputable sex therapist, and then we had a nice lunch together. So. Progress. 

[Olallieberry]

6 hours ago, J98 said:

co-therapy with a reputable sex therapist

They might be reputable but it is probably worth establishing at the very first consultation that they can't help you if they don't understand that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and is not what you're there to fix.

[J98]

1 hour ago, Olallieberry said:

They might be reputable but it is probably worth establishing at the very first consultation that they can't help you if they don't understand that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and is not what you're there to fix.

Good advice. I actually covered that in the free consult. Who knows til we get there, but it all sounded good in the initial call. I didn't have to bring it up -- she made sure to tell me asexuality is an equally valid orientation and not something to "fix." That put me at ease.

[uhtred]

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

They might be reputable but it is probably worth establishing at the very first consultation that they can't help you if they don't understand that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation and is not what you're there to fix.

A good point and in general be wary of therapists who think the issue is something different than you know it to be. 

[LiberatedLove]

On 4/9/2026 at 11:10 PM, J98 said:

Had the conversation today and there's definitely some things to work through but hopeful. Didn't broach the topic of ENM -- I think it's best to let that come up naturally in therapy. She got pretty defensive in the middle and resisted the idea of therapy. We live in a very conservative part of the country and all-too-often "marriage counseling" here is just telling the woman to "be a good Christian and submit." Lots of reassurance got us past that hurdle, then "well I'm really happy with our relationship, if you're the one with the 'problem' maybe you should just go to counseling on your own." Then she suggested I just needed to work on my "need for sex," and that if I had better self-esteem I wouldn't need that kind of "external validation." Not very long ago I would've caved at that point, but I was able to remain assertive -- "I love you, and that doesn't hinge on my need for sex, but my needs aren't unhealthy or a problem that needs to be fixed, no more than your lack of desire for sex (she rejects asexual as a label)." Agreed on co-therapy with a reputable sex therapist, and then we had a nice lunch together. So. Progress. 

Sending warm encouragement for the progress you're making! Really respect you holding the "both-and" boundary.

I found confidence when I clarified for myself:  we both have a need for our sexual choices and desires to be respected by the other. For one of us, that means respecting a choice not to have sex. For the other, it means supporting sexual needs to be fulfilled with honesty, care and love. Neither is right or wrong; good or bad. Both matter equally. And the lack of equality/ fairness in this respect in our marriage had become a risk to the whole relationship. For some, it might be a deal-breaker, but for me ending the relationship completely seemed disproportionate, throwing away all we've built together ... and given time to think it all through, my husband seemed to come to the same conclusion. For now, this is where we are, but it's only an in-principle agreement. What happens in practice may be altogether different. 

Sending positive energy your way 🙂

[J98]

3 hours ago, LiberatedLove said:

Sending warm encouragement for the progress you're making! Really respect you holding the "both-and" boundary.

I found confidence when I clarified for myself:  we both have a need for our sexual choices and desires to be respected by the other. For one of us, that means respecting a choice not to have sex. For the other, it means supporting sexual needs to be fulfilled with honesty, care and love. Neither is right or wrong; good or bad. Both matter equally. And the lack of equality/ fairness in this respect in our marriage had become a risk to the whole relationship. For some, it might be a deal-breaker, but for me ending the relationship completely seemed disproportionate, throwing away all we've built together ... and given time to think it all through, my husband seemed to come to the same conclusion. For now, this is where we are, but it's only an in-principle agreement. What happens in practice may be altogether different. 

Sending positive energy your way 🙂

Likewise -- best wishes and happiness for you both as you continue the journey. Thanks for sharing your experience.