I can't decide what kind of life I want

[Ningning]

I'm 25 and I'm still not sure if I'm asexual or not, I fear changes in life.  I'm asexual now but what if I become sexual in the future?

I always thought I was a normal straight girl and I've had relationships with several boys. They wanted sex but I was uninterested. When I was 18 I thought maybe I was just too young to feel anything sexual, so I refused my boyfriend and had frequent arguments about sex (he begged me to try and accused me for not loving him enough).

In later relationships I was annoyed by this problem and sometimes said things like my mom told me to save sex for marriage. Once in a relationship my boyfriend understood me and only asked me to hug him when he masturbate every week which I thought was acceptable. I have never gone further than that. My life is happy and fulfilling so I have ignored the asexual thing for so long until recently the issue came back strongly when my current boyfriend asked me to sleep over (we don’t live together). I like him very much. I wanted to cuddle, play, and spend the night together. But I clearly knew what might happen, so I felt nervous and anxious.

I was too scared to tell him the truth so I pretend normal until the night came and he kissed me and took off my clothes, I wanted to have sex to please him but I just couldn't do it. Eventually I pushed him away and hid in the bathroom locked the door... I had no choice but to tell him I love him with no sexual attraction. He doesn't believe me and tried to show me porn to get me excited. I don't know how to describe it but I don't understand how this is supposed to be enjoyable. I promised him that I will try harder. This weekend I will go to his house again and I'm not very looking forward to it. 🥲

I asked my friend about this and they said they started masturbating before 18 years old, some said that I will like it after I have tried it. I do want to try but I don't understand how it is possible for a huge thing to stick into such a tiny hole? I'm scared everytime I try, and always end up unsuccessful. Other girls told me that first time will be painful but gradually becomes pleasant after several times. 

I told my mom maybe I'm asexual and she said I will start liking sex after years of marriage. She told me she didn’t feel sexual desire at my age and only started feeling it in her 40s. She had sex with my dad mainly to please him and to get pregnant. She believes sex is a duty. Will this happen to me? This makes me real anxious. I want marriage, I want biological children, and I don't mind enduring sex in order to get pregnant. I think sex is at least less painful than giving birth, which feels like a price worth paying.

I'm thinking about trying harder until I can have sex successfully, and I'll decide if I will like it. If yes, then I will marry a man and have children. If no...

I don't know, please help me😭

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Ningning said:

I asked my friend about this and they said they started masturbating before 18 years old, some said that I will like it after I have tried it. I do want to try but I don't understand how it is possible for a huge thing to stick into such a tiny hole?

Nothing needs to go in. Actually, even for straight women penetration alone is not a reliable way to have an orgasm. External stimulation of the clitoris is much more effective. No, sex =/= penetration. And if partnered sex frightens you (which seems to be the case), you are even more likely to find autoeroticism scary and disgusting too the more it resembles partnered sex.

1 hour ago, Ningning said:

I don't mind enduring sex in order to get pregnant.

Actually, even that is not necessary. It's possible to get pregnant without sex, insemination can be performed even at home using a syringe without needle. But of course, in that case you would need to be very honest with your potential husband about being asexual. In that case you should, in fact, look for someone who is asexual too. I can't say more because, myself, I have had zero success with relationships (and ultimately I decided that I'm too introverted for relationships, I need copious amounts of solitude), and I also never wanted to have children, so I decided early to completely omit the marriage-parenthood-sex area.

 

OK, these were details, and now the more serious things. Don't let yourself be persuaded by anyone that you need to endure sex. Neither by your boyfriend, nor by your mother. Your boyfriend clearly doesn't understand asexuality. He will surely pressure you for sex again. You should best cancel your date and tell him on the phone, in no unclear terms, that you don't want to have sex. If you already realised before that you don't want to have sex, if this time your body just wouldn't cooperate, "trying harder" would most likely be traumatising for you. You don't have to endure sex. You don't need to endure sex ever and people who don't want to accept it are not acting with your best interest in mind.

It seems very likely that you are asexual and will continue being this way. A seemingly asexual person may, theoretically, turn out to be demisexual after all - but that too doesn't seem likely, given that you have been in several relationships and never developed any desire.

There is only one good reason for having sex: truly (and mutually) wanting to. An asexual person might still genuinely want to do it. But there is too much noise, too much "information fog", too much propaganda saying that "aces can have sex" for a person to easily determine what they truly want and how far their comfort zone extends. In this respect I am lucky to have a steel-strong, impossible to disregard, aversion to nudity and sex. I am also paradoxically lucky to have never been able to form romantic relationships, because it eased the pressure for me. But you definitely seem frighthened, you definitely seem under pressure and it's a very harmful mindset to attempt to have sex. It is not a genuine willingness to compromise, it is a mindset in which you are already trying to persuade yourself that you should try sex.

It's possible that your mother is a victim as well. That she never truly developed desire, just kept telling herself that she does because sex is presented as so wonderful and it makes a lot of people afraid to admit to themselves that they don't like it. But regardless of that, she is definitely wrong about asexuality. It doesn't work like this. Years of enduring unwanted sex won't make anyone develop enjoyment or desire, they will only make such a person resentful and traumatised. If you are asexual and want to live a happy life, you should accomodate your lifestyle to include no sex. Date only people who are fine with that. Marry someone who is asexual too. And don't let yourself be pressured, don't let yourself be told that fitting in is supposedly enjoyable and desirable. You are yourself and should nourish your individuality instead of trying to hide who you are.

[Ningning]

2 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Nothing needs to go in. Actually, even for straight women penetration alone is not a reliable way to have an orgasm. External stimulation of the clitoris is much more effective. No, sex =/= penetration. And if partnered sex frightens you (which seems to be the case), you are even more likely to find autoeroticism scary and disgusting too the more it resembles partnered sex.

Actually, even that is not necessary. It's possible to get pregnant without sex, insemination can be performed even at home using a syringe without needle. But of course, in that case you would need to be very honest with your potential husband about being asexual. In that case you should, in fact, look for someone who is asexual too. I can't say more because, myself, I have had zero success with relationships (and ultimately I decided that I'm too introverted for relationships, I need copious amounts of solitude), and I also never wanted to have children, so I decided early to completely omit the marriage-parenthood-sex area.

 

OK, these were details, and now the more serious things. Don't let yourself be persuaded by anyone that you need to endure sex. Neither by your boyfriend, nor by your mother. Your boyfriend clearly doesn't understand asexuality. He will surely pressure you for sex again. You should best cancel your date and tell him on the phone, in no unclear terms, that you don't want to have sex. If you already realised before that you don't want to have sex, if this time your body just wouldn't cooperate, "trying harder" would most likely be traumatising for you. You don't have to endure sex. You don't need to endure sex ever and people who don't want to accept it are not acting with your best interest in mind.

It seems very likely that you are asexual and will continue being this way. A seemingly asexual person may, theoretically, turn out to be demisexual after all - but that too doesn't seem likely, given that you have been in several relationships and never developed any desire.

There is only one good reason for having sex: truly (and mutually) wanting to. An asexual person might still genuinely want to do it. But there is too much noise, too much "information fog", too much propaganda saying that "aces can have sex" for a person to easily determine what they truly want and how far their comfort zone extends. In this respect I am lucky to have a steel-strong, impossible to disregard, aversion to nudity and sex. I am also paradoxically lucky to have never been able to form romantic relationships, because it eased the pressure for me. But you definitely seem frighthened, you definitely seem under pressure and it's a very harmful mindset to attempt to have sex. It is not a genuine willingness to compromise, it is a mindset in which you are already trying to persuade yourself that you should try sex.

It's possible that your mother is a victim as well. That she never truly developed desire, just kept telling herself that she does because sex is presented as so wonderful and it makes a lot of people afraid to admit to themselves that they don't like it. But regardless of that, she is definitely wrong about asexuality. It doesn't work like this. Years of enduring unwanted sex won't make anyone develop enjoyment or desire, they will only make such a person resentful and traumatised. If you are asexual and want to live a happy life, you should accomodate your lifestyle to include no sex. Date only people who are fine with that. Marry someone who is asexual too. And don't let yourself be pressured, don't let yourself be told that fitting in is supposedly enjoyable and desirable. You are yourself and should nourish your individuality instead of trying to hide who you are.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long and detailed reply. 🥰 You are right that I’m frightened, I’m afraid of being different from most people, and I worry about how difficult it will be to find an asexual husband. But your reply gave me a little courage. I said I want to try but actually deep down I know I’m not ready, and I don’t need it. Maybe it’s just my personality and the way I deal with problems, I feel like I can’t understand something well enough if I have never did it, so part of me still wants to challenge, even though it will probably turn out that I’m asexual anyway. At least then I’ll have my answer… It feels like something I’ve been afraid of for many years. It has affected my dating life, caused so many arguments and moments of sadness. I want to win against this I want to overcome It’s just very hard for me to let it go.

Your words made me smile, I love the picture saying stand out.

[Parysatis]

Be wary of promising to “try harder” when what is required is not effort, but understanding. No true companion would wish you to tremble in the adjoining chamber, or to approach him as one marching toward a trial. The heart that loves you ought to cherish even your hesitations, and hold them gently, not contest them.
 

Pressure disguised as love is still pressure. If someone continues pushing after you have said no or expressed fear, it is not intimacy, but coercion. Love should increase your sense of safety, not diminish it. And when someone tells you things like, “You will like it once you try,” “You just need to push through,” or “If you loved me, you would,” know that this is not love, but manipulation. It replaces your lived experience with a narrative that serves their own wants.
 

Give yourself the grace of time. Stand firm in the knowledge that your body is not an instrument for appeasement, but the dwelling of your own consciousness, your temple and your home. If ever passion awakens within you, let it come as a dawn … unbidden, gradual, suffused with warmth. And if it does not, you have lost nothing of your worth. Desire, or the absence of it, does not render you more or less complete. The world is vast enough to contain many kinds of love.

[uhtred]

6 hours ago, Ningning said:

snip

I told my mom maybe I'm asexual and she said I will start liking sex after years of marriage. She told me she didn’t feel sexual desire at my age and only started feeling it in her 40s. She had sex with my dad mainly to please him and to get pregnant. She believes sex is a duty. Will this happen to me? This makes me real anxious. I want marriage, I want biological children, and I don't mind enduring sex in order to get pregnant. I think sex is at least less painful than giving birth, which feels like a price worth paying.

snip

It is quite possible your mom was asexual and didn't realize it because she thought all women felt that way.  That is my my asexual wife feels - she doesn't believe other women enjoy sex because she doesn't. 

 

Most women who have sex do so because they want to and enjoy it, not because they feel they "should" or to please their partners.   If you don't feel a desire for sex then you shouldn't have sex or be in a relationship where sex is expected.  A relationship with a big mismatch in sexual desire is likely to lead to unhappiness for both people with you feeling pressured for unwanted sex and your partner feeling rejected and unwanted.

 

The above are of course generalizations. There are unfortunately many women who do have unwanted sex and there are some mixed relationships that do work well, but I think those are both the less common situatoin

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, Ningning said:

Maybe it’s just my personality and the way I deal with problems, I feel like I can’t understand something well enough if I have never did it, so part of me still wants to challenge, even though it will probably turn out that I’m asexual anyway. At least then I’ll have my answer… It feels like something I’ve been afraid of for many years. It has affected my dating life, caused so many arguments and moments of sadness. I want to win against this I want to overcome It’s just very hard for me to let it go.

I am able to understand it. For me it has always been easier because of the sheer power of my aversion to sex and nudity: if I'm so nudity-averse, I would panic at the very beginning... and even that is hypothetical, because I cannot even imagine agreeing to try sex if I know very well how terrifying it is to me. This also nullifies the "I can’t understand something well enough if I have never did it" part - for me such a level of fear at the very thought of being seen or touched naked is a clear indication that no, sex is not or me, no, I couldn't like it, no, I wouldn't be convinced, but traumatised for life. (This is, in general, my response to the "how do you know if you've never tried?" anti-asexual question: some people, the more sex-indifferent ones, might indeed discover that their willingness never was desire. But if you're on the sex-averse side... then you know it, the very fear, disgust, discomfort is your answer.) But if you clearly are frightened and unready - and if wanting sex is not in your nature, than you will never be truly ready, you can at most convince yourself that you are - this is too a harmful mindset which is more likely to result in trauma then in anything positive. If you feel traumatised afterwards, then knowing for sure that you're asexual will be a small consolation.

But to some extent I can relate to that because I know the feeling of wanting something and yet being afraid. I wanted very much to try ski jumping, but I have never been a fit person, not even in my childhood. A reasonably safe jump from a small jumping hill would be within the realm of possibility even for such a pitifully unfit person as myself... but all my accumulated problems resulted in me never developing what I call "physical courage". (For example: I genuinely like sport despite my level of fitness, as long as I can do it alone, I cycle almost every day because I'm poor and terrified of driving anyway... but I wouldn't dare to rush downhill on dirt, I would be too scared of a potential injury. My body seems to react with tension to the tiniest changes in learned "muscle memory", such as new ice-skates or a different bicycle model.) And ultimately I didn't dare... but I'm citing it because @Parysatis's words "one marching toward a trial" ring a bell for me: before going to the training in Spitzkunnersdorf, where the coach allowed me to try, I wrote in my diary that I'm "going to the jumping hill like to the gallows".

And the second example... I have experienced a psychedelic fascination since I was twelve years old, but first tried a psychedelic drug when I was thirty. My fear wasn't even the most important reason for waiting so long, the core was rather my autistic isolation and resulting problems with even, ekhem, finding a supply... and in the very first years of my fascination I wouldn't even dare actually try, not just due to fear of such extreme changes in consciousness (at that age I didn't even fully realise how deep these changes go, I had swallowed the hook the moment I heard the words "this drug which produces visions"), but rather due to internalised narcophobia... But I was afraid, very much afraid - of, as I wrote, such extreme changes, the unpredictability, the alienness... Still at the same time this was something I desired very much, I felt that I would die of despair if I never experienced this state of mind.

It is up to you to decide which one is stronger: the desire to "at least have your answer", or all the discomfort and anxiety you feel at the thought of having sex.

[Eila]

@Ningning

I really relate to a lot of what you say. 

 

As an older woman who's been in sexual relationships here are some answers to the practical stuff. 

 

On 3/4/2026 at 8:11 AM, Ningning said:

I do want to try but I don't understand how it is possible for a huge thing to stick into such a tiny hole? I'm scared everytime I try, and always end up unsuccessful. Other girls told me that first time will be painful but gradually becomes pleasant after several times. 

It's a really stretchy hole! I mean, babies come through it. You can think of it like a wide(ish) tube with a muscular seal (or maybe better to say narrowing, edit) at the outside. If the muscles relax the hole opens up. It also does stretch a bit with 'use', and what the other girls said was true for me too about painful at first but not after a few times. 

 

You can explore this at your own pace, alone, if you want to. Either to see if you find it pleasurable or purely out of scientific interest! If it's for pleasure then most women find stimulating the clit more rewarding than penetration or penetration alone. 

 

 

As for the bigger questions you asked... 

 

On 3/4/2026 at 8:11 AM, Ningning said:

I'm asexual now but what if I become sexual in the future?

I like how you've phrased the issue as deciding what kind of life you want, because that's what's so hard about not knowing, right? I don't know either, for sure, myself. For me it's incomparably better to be single and not fully know, than in a partnership (even with someone who I deeply love), knowing that I'm not being true to myself. But on the other hand I did need those experiences to find out. 

 

 

On 3/4/2026 at 8:11 AM, Ningning said:

She believes sex is a duty

It isn't, in any way. But... if you are asexual and you marry a sexual person it will be terrible for both of you to have such mismatched needs.

 

On 3/4/2026 at 8:11 AM, Ningning said:

I want marriage, I want biological children, and I don't mind enduring sex in order to get pregnant.

The thing is for a sexual partner sex is so much more than this. This forum has many threads with fine, sincere sexual people who love their asexual partners trying to save the relationship, and it would be worth reading some of those to understand the suffering it causes on both sides. 

 

On 3/4/2026 at 8:11 AM, Ningning said:

I'm thinking about trying harder until I can have sex successfully

If you genuinely want to do that, and it's because you think you might find sex pleasurable, then I would say your experience of partnered sex will be vastly improved if you've already become familiar with, and got pleasure from, masturbation. 

 

If you're doing it because you want a marriage and children and you think that you can endure sex you don't want for the lifetime of the marriage, then I think that's underestimating how self-violating that might feel as time goes on. 

 

It's just another perspective, not especially any answers, just take what you find helpful. Very best, E. 

 

 

Edit : of course marrying and having children with an asexual person is also not impossible. But realistically a small dating pool. 

 

 

[Ningning]

14 hours ago, Parysatis said:

or to approach him as one marching toward a trial

This is exactly how I feel!! and I understand now I should change my mindset

14 hours ago, Parysatis said:

your body is not an instrument for appeasement, but the dwelling of your own consciousness, your temple and your home. If ever passion awakens within you, let it come as a dawn … unbidden, gradual, suffused with warmth. And if it does not, you have lost nothing of your worth

Thank you for your words, they make me warm☺️

[Ningning]

11 hours ago, uhtred said:

It is quite possible your mom was asexual and didn't realize it because she thought all women felt that way.

Yes yes my mom said many times that girls are different from boys, it is normal for girls not having sexual desire before marriage, that I'm a girl so I should just cooperate and wait for feelings to come (or maybe it's considered shameful for young women to have strong sexual desire?) I think my mom might be demisexual, but I'm not sure and I can't ask more, it's hard for East Asian women to speak of sexual experience or feelings in details even to their own daughter...

11 hours ago, uhtred said:

That is my my asexual wife feels - she doesn't believe other women enjoy sex because she doesn't. 

Are you a sexual person married to an asexual wife? It must be hard for you 🥲 but I'm happy to hear that this kind of marriage is possible! I wish you and your wife always happy together

[Divine Mercy]

I am learning so much from this discussion and appreciate everyone's wisdom and sharing. 

[Ningning]

8 hours ago, Eila said:

It's a really stretchy hole! I mean, babies come through it. You can think of it like a wide(ish) tube with a muscular seal at the outside. If the muscles relax the hole opens up

oh I understand this! I want to deliver baby through that tube (I think I can do it) 

9 hours ago, Eila said:

You can explore this at your own pace, alone, if you want to. Either to see if you find it pleasurable or purely out of scientific interest!

I never masturbated, but I think I will try using tampons this month (I only used pads before), to see if I'm able to put anything inside it

Thank you for your perspective 🥰

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, Ningning said:

I never masturbated, but I think I will try using tampons this month (I only used pads before), to see if I'm able to put anything inside it

There's really no need for that, because you don't need to put anything inside to pleasure yourself. As I wrote, it's usually not even effective. It might hurt and might discourage you. Better try touching the external parts.

And, first of all, cancel your date this weekend. Explain to your boyfriend that you don't want to have sex and that he needs to either accept it ot leave. You can use the term "asexuality" specifically, but I also don't know why it should be necessary: after all, nobody should have unwanted sex, so "I don't want to" is enough of an explanation to refuse sex.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand your distress and tries to minimise it, it shows that he does not truly care about your wellbeing. Loving partners don't want their loved ones to experience distress.

[Osray]

@Ningning I am a trans man with female physiology and do not experience sexual desire or attraction. Prior to coming out I spent many long years of my life engaging in sexual activity to meet the expectations of other people and my culture overall. These experiences harmed me in ways I am still sorting many years later. Hearing you use the word ‘enduring’ to describe an approach to sex you are considering pains my heart. 
You want a committed partnership and to have children. As other people have said, there absolutely are ways for you to have these beautiful things without enduring sex.
In particular, I get the sense being a mother is important to you. If so, I have something heavy to say. What affects a parent ultimately affects their children. I know the trauma I sustained in the earlier part of my life affected my parenting. I regret this far more than my own pain.

The experiences you have will be passed down to your children as they come to you for advice and information to help them understand their own. Just as you are now interacting with your mother‘s understanding in relation to your own. The more true you are to yourself, the happier and healthier you are, the better you will be able to provide for your children’s social/emotional needs. If one or more of your children experiences something similar you will be able to support them. Beyond all this, showing your children the example of being well, whole and honoring your own needs will allow them to more naturally do this for themselves. In a sense, caring for yourself now is caring for your future children.

 

Coming back to the now, do you have any kind of emotional safety plan for yourself for the day that you are scheduled to go to your boyfriend’s house? By this I mean, whether you choose to go or not, do you have a plan to be able connect with a friend or other supportive person, activity you can turn to to support yourself, etc if needed? It might not end up being something that you need but if you have something in mind or you’ve planned with a friend that they’ll be available if you need them then the option is there. 

[Ningning]

5 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

first of all, cancel your date this weekend. Explain to your boyfriend that you don't want to have sex and that he needs to either accept it ot leave

Yes I suppose I will do this sooner or later it's better than avoiding... at least I shouldn't stay overnight to give him wrong expectations 

[Eila]

28 minutes ago, Ningning said:

Yes I suppose I will do this sooner or later it's better than avoiding...

Cancelling your date and then giving yourself a bit of time to think about how to go about that conversation is also OK. 

 

It can be a gentle explanation of both of your feelings, desires and boundaries, rather than an immediate ultimatum; although it still is likely you might end up separating.

 

Or you don't actually have to tell him anything, you could just end it. 

 

But to stay with him and not to tell him, once you're sure, is a kind of unintentional manipulation. And you will likely feel on edge until you have really been understood. Again there are so many good threads on here discussing this. 

 

 

Edited March 5 by Eila
Few extra thoughts

[Ningning]

44 minutes ago, Osray said:

What affects a parent ultimately affects their children. I know the trauma I sustained in the earlier part of my life affected my parenting. I regret this far more than my own pain.

😭you are right I should have considered this, I only know for sure I want to be a mother, but haven't really thought about education side of things yet.  I don't want my children to be negatively affected in any way, so I guess I will solve my own problems before thinking about children. Thank you for your advice it really helps!

[uhtred]

12 hours ago, Ningning said:

Yes yes my mom said many times that girls are different from boys, it is normal for girls not having sexual desire before marriage, that I'm a girl so I should just cooperate and wait for feelings to come (or maybe it's considered shameful for young women to have strong sexual desire?) I think my mom might be demisexual, but I'm not sure and I can't ask more, it's hard for East Asian women to speak of sexual experience or feelings in details even to their own daughter...

Are you a sexual person married to an asexual wife? It must be hard for you 🥲 but I'm happy to hear that this kind of marriage is possible! I wish you and your wife always happy together

I think that especially in the past, but still to some extent now, girls were taught to avoid sex because of pregnancy and (horribly) the idea that if they were no longer "virgins" their "value" for marriage would decrease.   They were taught "boys just want one thing",   "don't have sex before marriage",  etc etc.   There also used to be a lot less information out there about how women could enjoy sex. There were (really) phrases like "lie back and think of England", suggesting that women should disconnect themselves and just tolerate sex.

For many women, once they became sexually active they discovered that sex was very enjoyable.  For asexual women though, sex was never enjoyable and so they thought all those things they were told must be true. 

The sexual mismatch in my marriage is very difficult.  We ended  up here because we met when we were very young and and inexperienced, both just assumed that she would start desiring sex when we were more "deeply in love".  I also spent a long time thinking there was something terribly wrong with me that she didn't desire me. We had been married for a very long time when I realized what the issue was.   I don't recommend it - there are so many people in the world that there is no reason to get into a committed relationship with someone who is incompatible that way.  There are many asexual men out there - often in unhappy relationships with sexual women. 

[Osray]

15 minutes ago, Ningning said:

😭you are right I should have considered this, I only know for sure I want to be a mother, but haven't really thought about education side of things yet.  I don't want my children to be negatively affected in any way, so I guess I will solve my own problems before thinking about children. Thank you for your advice it really helps!

@Ningning You will be a wonderful mother when the time comes!