My boyfriend wants sex and I really don't

[iriswildthyme]

Hi everyone, I'm new here (to AVEN, not to being asexual lol) and wanted some advice.

 

For a long time, I considered myself totally aroace and uninterested in a romantic or sexual relationship. (I have been in a few romantic relationships that ended badly). Then, one of my best friends confessed to me. He was also asexual, and despite not really looking for romance, I decided it would be okay to try. That was about four months ago. So far, our relationship has been pretty good. I despise kissing, and so it has mostly been cuddling and talking more than before. Other than that, it's just like being friends. 

 

Me and my boyfriend have always made sex jokes, but I really thought we were joking around. Then, a couple weeks ago, he asked me to finger him (we are both FTM). Again, I decided it would be okay to try. It was fine for me. I was completely uninterested (I kept catching myself thinking about other things like groceries or work tasks lol), but despite my inexperience with a partner, he was totally blown away. 

 

A few days ago, we were cuddling when he told me that he doesn't feel asexual anymore, and feels sexual attraction to me (which does not preclude asexuality but that was how he phrased it.) I was really surprised. He asked me if he could try to finger me. Once again, I decided it would be okay to try. Only this time, it sucked. I tried to show him what I like, but not only is he very inexperienced, I could tell bodily I just wasn't into it at all. So I asked him to stop, he seemed a little disappointed but no hard feelings.

 

However, this has made me start questioning our relationship. I've never dated a sex-favorable person let alone an allo person. And the more I think on it, the more I realize I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship at all. My favorite parts of our relationship have been things I would want from a very close friendship. I basically want a person to talk, cuddle, bake, watch shows, get gifts for, and generally hang out a lot with. That would be fine if that was also what he wanted, but he now seems to want things like kissing and sex. It's clear we need to talk about this, but I don't even know where to start. I'm very much a people-pleaser and I'm really scared of something changing in our relationship. I don't want to break up, but if he wants these things out of a relationship, I don't know if it can work out.

 

Thanks for reading my little rant. Any advice would really be appreciated.

[Pack rat]

If he really wants sex in your relationship and you don’t then i think the only real option is to open up the relationship.

Can you keep everything you had before while he gets the things you don’t want from someone else? It isn’t a solution for everyone.

 

How would you feel about that?

[mori child]

This is a bit of a late response, but here it is in case it's still relevant:

 

If you're going to talk to him (which seems to be a good idea!), maybe you can think about what you'd like to get out of the conversation. What are you afraid of and what do you value in your relationship? What are the possible outcomes, and how do you feel about each of them? Once you've figured out a bit more about how you're feeling, you could bring the topic up with a sense of curiosity and a genuine desire to hear how he's feeling. If you know that you're a people pleaser, it might be good to have your boundaries and wishes firm in your mind before you begin. 

 

I hope that the conversation goes (or has gone) well!

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like both of you were in a somewhat questioning and exploratory stage when you decided to try out a relationship with each other four months ago. So, you gave the relationship a try and did a little experimentation, and the results confirm your asexuality and reveal that your boyfriend is not asexual. Now you're in an accidental mixed orientation relationship despite coming out before the relationship started.

 

It would be totally fine and reasonable to break up. That's a really common choice that most people make when they've been together for only a few months and things aren't working out.