Coping with feeling undesirable?

[InvisibleAllo]

Does anyone have any advice on how to, as an allosexual, cope with knowing your partner isn't sexually attracted to you? I know it isn't rejection, but it feels like rejection and I can't seem to get past it. Knowing my life partner doesn't desire me that way really hurts. I feel really uncomfortable with having unreciprocated feelings and attraction. Is there any way to make it hurt less? I've been trying for over a year and made zero progress. It's really getting in the way of our relationship and I'm miserable.

[Ceebs]

Honestly I don't think there are ways to cope with it that truly minimise the hurt very much. Your partner is who they are of course so nothing will change on that end, and you can't change who you are either and make it just not matter. I think in a lot of cases people just kind of go the passive route of suppressing it and trying not to care, focus on other things in life and in the relationship, usually with little to no success. I stopped caring in my previous relationship only because I'd also stopped feeling anything other than friendship towards my ex, so it didn't matter that he didn't desire me because I didn't desire him either and at that point wouldn't have wanted him to feel any differently even if he could've. That didn't mean, of course, that I didn't want to be desired by anyone... just, it didn't matter with him. That's obviously not the makings of a sustainable relationship in most cases though, unless you've decided that you're truly content with a platonic life partnership.

 

The other option, of course, is finding other people who do desire you.

 

Knowing things like you're loved, liked, valued, etc. in a relationship are essential, and there are plenty of ways people show each other that they feel those things, but if mutual sexual desire is an important part of a connection for someone, all the other stuff isn't going to eventually entirely make up for a lack of it. 
 

Given you've been trying to actively deal with this on your own for over a year and nothing has changed, might someone like a therapist be helpful in helping you figure out how to start progressing in some way or another? I don't mean as a couple, at least not at this point. Individual therapy, just you. 

[Liara]

Like Ceebs, I don’t think that’s really possible. You are who you are and the desire to feel wanted by your partner is a part of you. And like Ceebs, if today, I don’t care that my ace partner doesn’t desire me is only because I totally give up any sexual desire and romantic feeling for her. But it’s definitely a bad solution because the relationship becomes really not satisfying…

[InvisibleAllo]

@Ceebs

Thanks for your response. I suppose I am hoping to change myself so it doesn't matter as much. Not completely change who I am, just try and change the way I think and feel about his lack of attraction.

I don't need to be content with a platonic life partnership because he is very sex-favourable. He actually loves it when we have sex, both emotionally and physically. So technically we could continue to have sexual intimacy. As long as I initiate because it doesn't really occur to him. My issue is that I can't get past feeling hurt that he's not attracted to me that  way. I can't  get out if my own head. I feel icky about having feelings for him that aren't reciprocated. I don't want to initiate because if this. Its not exactly sexy when I know he doesn't think I'm sexy. I have tried therapy ( with 3 therapists), but they just say "that sounds difficult". Which doesn't actually help me at all. We've also tried couples therapy but that hasn't been overly helpful either.

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

Does anyone have any advice on how to, as an allosexual, cope with knowing your partner isn't sexually attracted to you? I know it isn't rejection, but it feels like rejection and I can't seem to get past it. Knowing my life partner doesn't desire me that way really hurts. I feel really uncomfortable with having unreciprocated feelings and attraction. Is there any way to make it hurt less? I've been trying for over a year and made zero progress. It's really getting in the way of our relationship and I'm miserable.

I was going to respond just based on the title alone.

 

But I don't know whether my idea would soothe your difficult feelings. Maybe? It depends. Everyone's different.

 

So I'll start with a different idea, and it has to do with feeling undesired by your partner. I don't remember your posting history here, but assuming what you have is an asexual spouse, a very huge part of getting relief is just learning to not take it personally, just recognizing that it isn't about you at all. It's just how the partner is. That really can be huge. It still doesn't fill the void of lacking a loved-one who desires you that way, that doesn't go away, but, it really can soothe an awful lot of the difficult feelings of enduring many years of constant, predictable, repeated rejection, the pain of knowing you and your loved one don't have the same kinds of feelings for each other - feelings which you strongly crave. Some people cannot ever accept that they aren't going to get what they crave from their present partner. Others can, and then we're on to a different matter.

 

So, the partner isn't going to desire you in that way. That doesn't mean that nobody would!

 

And so my solution to just going through life feeling undesirable because one is, let's say, "ineligible" for desirous attention from the primary candidate to give it to you, baed on their orientation, is this: Get it from others! And that does not have to mean breaking vows, being unfaithful, crossing boundaries. It does not have to mean completing the difficult and maybe impossible process of getting a consensual extramarital hall-pass for casual sex or for a side-piece or for a sex worker, or some other "Option 3" type of arrangement.

 

No, nothing that transgressive or dicey or disrespectful. So what am I talking about? What can someone do to feel desirable when they aren't "available?"

 

I have a great solution. I'll spell it out if asked. I'm not trying to play coy about this, it's just that I don't know if it's of interest here.

[InvisibleAllo]

@Liara

I think there are some couples who do manage to make it work. I just haven't figured out how to do that. We have our friendship and also our romantic feelings for each other. Plus, he is very sex-favourable and loves it when we have sex. Both the physical and emotional connection. But I always have to initiate. He will never think of it on his own due to lack of attraction and also low libido. We can definitely have an active sex life if I can get past him not having the attraction to me and my feeling unwanted and unattractive etc.

[KellyM]

2 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

We have our friendship and also our romantic feelings for each other. Plus, he is very sex-favourable and loves it when we have sex. Both the physical and emotional connection. But I always have to initiate. He will never think of it on his own due to lack of attraction and also low libido. We can definitely have an active sex life if I can get past him not having the attraction to me and my feeling unwanted and unattractive etc.

Hey, 

 

First of all, I acknowledge what is said by others earlier, if there is a true mismatch in just this one aspect (sexual attraction), then I can definitely not offer any more advice then they did. I don't know you or your story so if it a true mismatch, then you can ignore below. If not, maybe one of these questions might help trigger something you haven't thought of yet. (No pressure to answer them here if you don't want to or if the questions aren't helpful)

 

• You say that there are romantic feelings as well as friendship between you both, do you feel attractive/wanted/fulfilled by him on those aspects and does the sexual aspect alone bother you or is there something he can pay more attention to in other aspects than the sexual attraction to make you feel more desired as well?
  • If it's broader than just the sexual attraction, is this something you want to explore to see if it decreases your mismatch on the sexual aspect? 
• Can you put your finger on what it is exactly that makes you feel unwanted/unattractive about his actions or is it a mental thing?
  • If it's a mental thing then is it something that you know as fact or are you filling in motives/thoughts/feelings/... that he might not have and that in turn make you feel worse?
• Is it just because he never initiates or are you actually feeling a disconnect so you can't enjoy sex fully yourself or is there something else bothering you about it?
  • If it's because he never initiates, is this something he is willing to be more attentive to, even if the desire isn't 'own' but 'developed'?

[InvisibleAllo]

@Olallieberry

20 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

 

 

assuming what you have is an asexual spouse,

 

yes he is asexual 

 

a very huge part of getting relief is just learning to not take it personally, just recognizing that it isn't about you at all. It's just how the partner is. That really can be huge.

I do find it hard not to take it personally even though I know it isn't personal

20 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

 

 

 

 

 

I have a great solution. I'll spell it out if asked. I'm not trying to play coy about this, it's just that I don't know if it's of interest here.

Yes spell it out please if you have a suggestion.

Thanks

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

Yes spell it out please if you have a suggestion.

Thanks

OK

 

I don’t know if it appeals to you, but my idea is about looking for interest and validation of your desirability from other people.

 

It doesn’t have to mean being unfaithful. The idea is just this:

 

You have probably spent your whole relationship ignoring attention from other people. You can still “ignore” it, as far as encoraging any of it or acting on any of it, but, that’s a different level of “ignore” compared to just changing one’s mindset so that one anticipates and expects to recognize it when it happens.
 

It’s like - what if you just decided to look for it and see if it’s happening? I expect that you’ll spot it if you look for it.

 

Me, I went further and I became willing to attract that kind of attention. Again - one doesn’t have to act on it. But if feeling appreciated and seen as a sexual being is something which would fill in a bit of the vacuum, one can get that without being “available.”

 

Later I went even further and participated in mutual flirting, while allowing it to be very clear on both sides that I was unavailable, nothing was going to come of it, it wasn’t going to go anywhere. This is fun and does a lot to reinforce one’s sense of having a sexual identity and energy, even if they don’t intend to act on it or to reciprocate someone else’s interest in more.

 

That’s the idea. I don’t know whether this would work for you, but I enjoy it.

 

At this point I actually am technically available for casual, no-strings play with other people outside my marriage. Most of the time I don’t take advantage of that. As far as my marriage and wife are concerned, I am available, but as far as my schedule goes, I am not, that’s a big part of why the looks and the flirts never go anywhere.

 

I still do it, because it’s fun and I enjoy the mutual appreciation. It goes both ways: It’s fun for the other person, too, even though neither of us expects it to go anywhere.

 

There are differences between how I do this, as a man, and how you probably would, as a woman. I imagine you’d be a lot less demonstrative than myself. It can still work - women get attention without even trying, so, if just looking out for it and quietly appreciating it when it happens would be gratifying, that’s the option. Depending on what “fidelity” means to you and your spouse, maybe you would even become willing to allow a little bit of low-stakes mutual flirting.

 

Or maybe not. That of course would be fine too.

 

What do you think? Beyond your boundaries? Potentially helpful? Surprising idea? Do you think it could help you feel desirable, if you were to open your mind to seeing it when it happens, out there in the world?

[Ceebs]

Interesting. I was wondering what your suggestion was going to be, just out of idle curiosity since it's not something that would be relevant to my current relationship. I was racking my brain trying to imagine what could be considered getting attention from others without breaking vows, being unfaithful or crossing boundaries. I can wrap my head round the idea of simply seeing if one could become more aware of others' interest in a passive and definitely-not-going-to-do-anything-about-it way, but I imagine the reason I didn't come up with the idea of someone actively wanting to attract attention and most definitely didn't think of flirting was because to me those two are what I would consider at least disrespecting if not outright breaking vows. Flirting specifically is 100% being unfaithful and crossing boundaries to me, and I'd very seriously consider ending a relationship over it and would feel really viscerally disgusted by my partner and deeply hurt. 
 

However! Not at all knocking them as actual suggestions independent of my emotions as they'd pertain to my own relationship. Tbh I actually agree that if they do work for someone, they could be helpful.

 

Oh and I also imagined it from the angle of if I happened to be in an unfulfilling relationship still and wanted to find some satisfaction in attention from others and raised those options with a partner and they were ok with it... and I know myself well enough to admit that I wouldn't have a snow cone's chance in hell of sticking to my end of the bargain and staying within those boundaries. The moment someone showed interest in me, the part of me that was dying inside and desperately wanted connection and desire would respond like a parched plant in a massive drought and pursue something.

 

I suppose both of those things together make it a very good thing that neither I nor my husband stayed in our previous relationships. I know enough about both of our boundaries and expectations and needs and both of our weaknesses and... character flaws... to know that it wouldn't work.

 

Aaaaanyway. Really though, I'm glad you expanded on that, as it sort of gave me food for thought that's useful in defining my own feelings. And again, given the diversity of human beings, I do genuinely think it could potentially be useful for some people in positions similar to the OP's.

[KellyM]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

Flirting specifically is 100% being unfaithful and crossing boundaries to me, and I'd very seriously consider ending a relationship over it and would feel really viscerally disgusted by my partner and deeply hurt. 

It really is individual though where you draw the line. For me this never was a (conscious) dealbreaker if it was just flirting for the fun of it and not to actually pursue things further, even before diving a bit deeper into my sexual and romantic identify. Especially if it already lies in the nature of that person to be open, friendly and affectionate.

Having said that you never know how you’ll react when it actually happens.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, KellyM said:

It really is individual though where you draw the line. For me this never was a (conscious) dealbreaker if it was just flirting for the fun of it and not to actually pursue things further, even before diving a bit deeper into my sexual and romantic identify. Especially if it already lies in the nature of that person to be open, friendly and affectionate.

For sure, yeah. People have all sorts of vastly varying boundaries and preferences. Having been in a situation where someone was interacting with others in a very flirty and suggestive way, people they'd previously been sexually involved with before me nonetheless ("But there's nothing there! Just friends now! Never occurred to me it was disrespectful to you and our relationship since we weren't doing sex things and I wouldn't have even if they'd wanted to! But yeah, I agree I was behaving like a total dumbass and nothing is missing from our relationship so I can't explain it and I would be just as upset if you'd done the same thing..."), I can say with certainty that my body and brain reacted like I'd just walked in on them fucking someone else. Viscerally sick and stunned and overwhelmed with hurt and anger. So I know that zero flirting with others whatsoever is a boundary for me. If a partner wants to be generally friendly to others, great. If they want to have innuendo-laden conversations with people of their preferred gender(s), I'm out even if it never goes beyond that and is all just words.
 

But yep, some people don't mind at all. Their partner flirting with someone wouldn't be remotely noteworthy in any way, let alone problematic.

[InvisibleAllo]

@KellyM

22 hours ago, KellyM said:

 

 

 I don't know you or your story so if it a true mismatch, then you can ignore below.

 

It is a true mismatch in sexual attraction. He identifies as asexual and doesn't experience sexual attraction. We only discovered this a year ago after being together for 20 years. I'm 44 now.

22 hours ago, KellyM said:

 

 

• You say that there are romantic feelings as well as friendship between you both, do you feel attractive/wanted/fulfilled by him on those aspects and does the sexual aspect alone bother you or is there something he can pay more attention to in other aspects than the sexual attraction to make you feel more desired as well?

My husband is working on helping me feel wanted and attractive in a physical and romantic way as I think I need more of that, especially now I know he isn't feeling the sexual attraction.

 

22 hours ago, KellyM said:

 

 

 

• Can you put your finger on what it is exactly that makes you feel unwanted/unattractive about his actions or is it a mental thing?
  • If it's a mental thing then is it something that you know as fact or are you filling in motives/thoughts/feelings/... that he might not have and that in turn make you feel worse?

I Suppose its mostly a mental thing. It hurts that he's not attracted to me in all the ways I am attracted to him. I do know that as fact. I don't think I'm filling in thoughts feelings etc that he might not have. I know its not a personal rejection that he's not sexually attracted to me but it certainly feels personal. Its upsetting to me that those feelings and attraction aren't reciprocated. 

 

22 hours ago, KellyM said:

 

 

 

• Is it just because he never initiates or are you actually feeling a disconnect so you can't enjoy sex fully yourself or is there something else bothering you about it?
•  
• Its a mixture of the fact that he never initaiates and also about him not feeling that attraction to me. I'm not feeling any disconnect that prevents me fully enjoying sex.
• With regards to him possibly initiating, I think its unlikely that he can be more attentive to that or develop that. He is also autistic and that sort of adds to it.
• Sometimes it doesn't need anyone to initiate it because it just naturally happens. He actually really enjoys sex with me, physically and emotionally. So he says sometimes when we are kissing, it becomes more passionate and sometimes that leads to wanting to touch which then leads to wanting sex. So when it gets to a certain point, we are both happily experiencing the same physical and emotional connection. In these moments, he is desiring me.
• So I think a lot of it is to do with my mental block about his lack of sexual attraction to me. Although, when we do have sex, I think that could be seen as sexual attraction in those moments. 
•  

 

[Windmills of My Mind]

2 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

Sometimes it doesn't need anyone to initiate it because it just naturally happens. He actually really enjoys sex with me, physically and emotionally. So he says sometimes when we are kissing, it becomes more passionate and sometimes that leads to wanting to touch which then leads to wanting sex. So when it gets to a certain point, we are both happily experiencing the same physical and emotional connection. In these moments, he is desiring me.

 

This does sound somewhat like responsive desire. No intention to dismiss anything else you said, just this particular bit without the rest of the context you have given sounds more like responsive desire rather than asexual. Then again, as with so many things sex related, this is not a black or white thing but rather a scale with some people near an extreme and easily labeled (by themselves), others more like somewhere along a spectrum and harder to put a label on.

[KellyM]

3 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

It is a true mismatch in sexual attraction. He identifies as asexual and doesn't experience sexual attraction. We only discovered this a year ago after being together for 20 years. I'm 44 now.

Thanks for the reply.

So this is influenced by my not feeling/understanding this attraction myself, but if he hadn’t explained what was going on in his head, would you have known he wasn’t attracted to you in that way or did him actually speaking it out loud trigger the pain for you?

 

3 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

My husband is working on helping me feel wanted and attractive in a physical and romantic way as I think I need more of that, especially now I know he isn't feeling the sexual attraction.

I hope this can shorten the gap enough to lessen your pain and best of luck with your relationship.

[InvisibleAllo]

@Windmills of My Mind

Thanks for your response.

2 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

 

This does sound somewhat like responsive desire. No intention to dismiss anything else you said, just this particular bit without the rest of the context you have given sounds more like responsive desire rather than asexual. 

 

I think that depends on what your definition of asexuality is. For my husband, he identifies as asexual because he doesn't experience sexual attraction. With regards to responsive desire, yes that is what he experiences. However it has been my understanding that responsive desire is to do with libido rather than attraction.  

 

2 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

 

Then again, as with so many things sex related, this is not a black or white thing but rather a scale with some people near an extreme and easily labeled (by themselves), others more like somewhere along a spectrum and harder to put a label on.

Yes exactly that. It is very hard to define these things and it's a spectrum and everyone is different. So in our case, like I mentioned he doesn't experience sexual attraction but when a certain amount of intimacy is initiated by me, he feels that responsive desire. 

[lovetolove]

1 hour ago, InvisibleAllo said:

@Windmills of My Mind

Thanks for your response.

I think that depends on what your definition of asexuality is. For my husband, he identifies as asexual because he doesn't experience sexual attraction. With regards to responsive desire, yes that is what he experiences. However it has been my understanding that responsive desire is to do with libido rather than attraction.  

 

Yes exactly that. It is very hard to define these things and it's a spectrum and everyone is different. So in our case, like I mentioned he doesn't experience sexual attraction but when a certain amount of intimacy is initiated by me, he feels that responsive desire. 

So, given that your husband does experience desire, and that you're both enjoying your sexual encounters, have you thought about reframing the way you think about the importance of desire vs the importance of the actual enjoyable sexual relationship that you have, as a means of reprogramming your mind and freeing you from the feelings of hurt and rejection?

 

Emily Nagoski, the author of Come As You Are (an often recommended book here) talks a lot about how we're influenced socially and culturally to believe that spontaneous desire is the only kind that matters and how we can end up believing that without it, even the best sex isn't worth having.   If we have to plan it, it's not good sex.  But, she says, we can reprogram our thinking to understand that mutual pleasure from the sexual encounter is the goal and if that's what's happening, then that's it...there's nothing else to be worrying about because nothing is wrong or needs fixing. 

 

I know that all sounds very simple, but when you think about it, it is!   Responsive desire can still (and sounds like it does, in your case) lead to mutually satisfying sex on both a physical and emotional level.  OK, the fun part of anticipation isn't there, and you may not receive your validation as a sexually attractive person outside of the times you're actually having sex but as Nagoski points out, it's pretty normal for long term couples to have to schedule sex into their busy lives, it's only in movies that people rush around throwing each other onto the bed or kitchen table for sudden, unexpected random sex sessions.  Unless they're   in the early days of the relationship, or having an exciting affair.    She stresses the value of enjoying and focusing on the pleasure to be had in the sex you're having instead of focusing on feeling like something is wrong or missing.  It's worth thinking about, maybe?

 

Lack of sexual attraction from my partner left me feeling unattractive, invisible and frankly, ugly.  Until I decided that I didn't need validation from anyone else to feel attractive and sexy. I started making an effort to wear nice clothes, get my hair done, spend time and money on me. Purely because I'm worth it.   And so are you.  We can't change how our partners feel about us, but we can change how we feel about ourselves.  Do you think perhaps there are ways you can find to do whatever you need to do to feel great about yourself and let go of the hurt ? 

 

Finally, I think @Olallieberry suggestion is great if that can work for you. For me, like @Ceebs it wouldn't work, I'd definitely overstep the boundary if I had half a chance

 

 

 

 

 

[eviljesus78]

It is Friday night and I am searching resources for dealing with very similar feelings. I am in my 40's and have been with my Wife for 30 years. Most of that time has been sexually unrewarding. I am only now coming to understand asexuality and truly believe my Wife fits. So here I am trying, like you, to figure out if there is some adjustment I could make to be happier because I want to be a good spouse. It is so hard.

 

I am trying to bring the subject up to her and ask her to read some information, but I don't have an endgame in mind. I think we'll both be kind of stumped on how to proceed. The idea that we are simply mismatched or incompatible makes me sad because it that only applies sexually and physically.

 

We have an otherwise functional and healthy relationship that I value deeply. That is why I have never cheated or given up. All other aspects are perfect, but I am constantly being turned off and turned down. It has impacted my self esteem. 

 

As I said I am very new to the entire concept of asexuality and am trying to come to some kind of terms with it in my Life. I just hope the hurting stops because Love isn't supposed to feel like this.

 

I am not sure what my point is other than to let you know that you are not alone right now. I am not so certain about seeking attention from others as a solution. That seems unrewarding. Without consumation I don't see anyway that would not be another tease I do not need.

 

Good luck, InvisibleAllo! 

[Liara]

And if you don’t receive any interest or validation from other people? Sorry but that happens. Some people don’t attract that kind of attention. It will reinforce your feeling of being unattractive.

[lovetolove]

4 hours ago, Liara said:

And if you don’t receive any interest or validation from other people? Sorry but that happens. Some people don’t attract that kind of attention. It will reinforce your feeling of being unattractive.

This is a very good point. If you're already feeling unattractive and sexually undesirable you're in a pretty vulnerable position, and that will affect your resilience and ability to brush aside any knock backs.  Receiving even more perceived rejection could damage your self esteem even further. 

[InvisibleAllo]

@Olallieberry

On 11/20/2025 at 11:04 PM, Olallieberry said:

OK

 

I don’t know if it appeals to you, but my idea is about looking for interest and validation of your desirability from other people.

 

It’s like - what if you just decided to look for it and see if it’s happening? I expect that you’ll spot it if you look for it.

 

 

 

 

I think this could definitely work for some people. I don't usually see men look at me though to be honest. I got a lot of attention from guys when I was younger but I'm 44 now and unfortunately I think women over 40 start to become a lot less visible for some reason.

 

On 11/20/2025 at 11:04 PM, Olallieberry said:

 

Me, I went further and I became willing to attract that kind of attention. Again - one doesn’t have to act on it. But if feeling appreciated and seen as a sexual being is something which would fill in a bit of the vacuum, one can get that without being “available.”

 

Later I went even further and participated in mutual flirting, while allowing it to be very clear on both sides that I was unavailable, nothing was going to come of it, it wasn’t going to go anywhere. This is fun and does a lot to reinforce one’s sense of having a sexual identity and energy, even if they don’t intend to act on it or to reciprocate someone else’s interest

 

 

I think I would be the same as what @Ceebssaid

 

On 11/21/2025 at 11:22 AM, Ceebs said:

The moment someone showed interest in me, the part of me that was dying inside and desperately wanted connection and desire would respond like a parched plant in a massive drought and pursue something.

I think your suggestion could be helpful for some people though if their partner is fine with it. Maybe If a couple  weren't comfortable fully opening their relationship but wanted to have something outside of that relationship that helped them feel attractive.

[Frameshift07]

34 minutes ago, InvisibleAllo said:

unfortunately I think women over 40 start to become a lot less visible for some reason.

One person's curse is another's miracle

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, InvisibleAllo said:

I don't usually see men look at me though to be honest.

I think you'd be surprised.

 

I know the idea isn't for you, so, I'm not trying to convince you to try it, but if you DID go out there with the mindset that you were going to be alert for it and see how much attention you were getting, I think you'd spot a lot more of it than you expect.

 

There are two parts to it: One part is that you're just not seeing what you aren't looking for. The other part is that when you are alert for it, even if you're doing a 100% perfect job of not looking like you're inviting it, acting completely modest, behaving chastely, avoiding eye contact, there's still something which makes people look. An energy or a subliminal signal.

 

Anyway, I completely understand if it's not for you. When I proposed it, I wasn't thinking about how sexually active you are with your husband and about the potential to work with what you've got.

[Liara]

Don’t forget you are seeing that from a male POV. Have you heard about MeToo?

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Liara said:

Don’t forget you are seeing that from a male POV. Have you heard about MeToo?

Of course. It's a good thing we aren't talking about SA'ing anyone or about giving anyone any unwanted attention.

 

Are you?

[Frameshift07]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

There are two parts to it: One part is that you're just not seeing what you aren't looking for. The other part is that when you are alert for it, even if you're doing a 100% perfect job of not looking like you're inviting it, acting completely modest, behaving chastely, avoiding eye contact, there's still something which makes people look. An energy or a subliminal signal.

Mannerisms. You do not do a 100% perfect job of hiding anything.

[Liara]

What I was meaning is that some « attentions » from men to women are not made to be nice. And a lot of women have learned in a hard way that attentions from men must be avoided as much as possible. I don’t know in other countries but in France, there are a lot of street harassment, harassment at work places, etc. I know a looooot of women who learned to be as invisible as they can, I saw male attentions to (sometimes very young) women with my own eyes.

So yeah, sorry but flirts and attentions for women can be very different than for men. Sadly.

[Liara]

But I don’t say that to make the topic derail. Just to explain that attentions are gendered and can be seen with different eyes if you are a man or a woman. That’s all.

[Olallieberry]

21 minutes ago, Liara said:

I don’t say that to make the topic derail

That's a small blessing, and I won't derail this thread with my response to it.

[uhtred]

Not being desired by your partner is really painful - as I know from experience.   Recognizing desire from others (because its almost certainly there)  can feel wonderful, but its all to easy for that to make you want even more. 

 

Its a difficult situation.