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think my boyfriend is asexual where do we go from here???


emz_2007

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hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 4years we were only 18 when we got together the sex at first was fine not really over the top but since has completely died out to the point now where we have huge issues within the relationship a friend told me about asexuality yesterday until then i didnt know it existed and obviously after reading up i can honestly say it sounds exactly like my boyfriend. how do you make a relationship like this work we now have to sleep in seperate beds because it was mental torture for me being so attracted and having sexual feelings but not being able to act on them however he loves me very much! he enjoys nothing more then to cuddle on the sofa while watching tv or to snuggle in bed buit thats as far as it goes. Im now very upset over the thought that the relationship is going to have to end because it isnt something that he can walk into a doctors and fix because there isnt anything wrong with him its just his way of life,

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There's 1440 minutes in a day. You have to decide if the 1420 or so when you wouldn't be having sex is worth more of less than the 20 you'd be having sex

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If you used to have sex but now don't, it is possible that there actually is something physically wrong with him that means he can't/doesn't want to have sex. However, he might be asexual without realising exactly what asexuality is. I think you should talk to him about why you you are not having sex, to find out for sure whether he is asexual. If he is, then whether you can stay together depends on whether you can live without having sex with him,which is really up to you.

PS. I'm not trying to be mean, but please use more commas in your posts to make them easier to read.

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There's 1440 minutes in a day. You have to decide if the 1420 or so when you wouldn't be having sex is worth more of less than the 20 you'd be having sex

Jr1...

I know you mean well, but for the sexual person in a relationships it isn't nearly that simple. If a person is sexually frustrated by a partner that doesn't want them that way, it can affect all kinds of interactions they have with that person, not just the 20 minutes where sex would be actually happening.

For example, just look at the original post where she's saying it was mental torture for her to try to sleep in the same bed as her boyfriend without being able to have sex with him... I would wager that sort of thing takes a lot more than 20 minutes out of her day.

That isn't to say things are hopeless, and I know it can be hard for asexual people to understand, but please be more understanding with your comments in the future.

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Communication is always the key I think... you don't know what's possible til you ask.

Your relationship certainly isn't doomed - but it might need a bit of poking around to figure out what's best to be done.

Also, kudos to you for being so accepting, and also good luck!

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If you used to have sex but now don't, it is possible that there actually is something physically wrong with him that means he can't/doesn't want to have sex. However, he might be asexual without realising exactly what asexuality is.

I wanted to address this point.

These points are applicable only if he is, in fact, asexual.

Even when he was having sex, he could still have been asexual.

Do not confound behavior with orientation.

Closeted gay men have had children. Does that make them "not gay"?

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If you used to have sex but now don't, it is possible that there actually is something physically wrong with him that means he can't/doesn't want to have sex. However, he might be asexual without realising exactly what asexuality is.

I wanted to address this point.

These points are applicable only if he is, in fact, asexual.

Even when he was having sex, he could still have been asexual.

Do not confound behavior with orientation.

Closeted gay men have had children. Does that make them "not gay"?

Of course not, I was just saying it's possible for him to be asexual, or not be asexual.

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There's 1440 minutes in a day. You have to decide if the 1420 or so when you wouldn't be having sex is worth more of less than the 20 you'd be having sex

Jr1...

I know you mean well, but for the sexual person in a relationships it isn't nearly that simple. If a person is sexually frustrated by a partner that doesn't want them that way, it can affect all kinds of interactions they have with that person, not just the 20 minutes where sex would be actually happening.

For example, just look at the original post where she's saying it was mental torture for her to try to sleep in the same bed as her boyfriend without being able to have sex with him... I would wager that sort of thing takes a lot more than 20 minutes out of her day.

That isn't to say things are hopeless, and I know it can be hard for asexual people to understand, but please be more understanding with your comments in the future.

I'll have to go with jr1 on this one. Sexual hormones can't affect feelings and interactions. Asexuals have sexual hormones while talking to their parents, don't they? Does that affect anything? I think not. There's this thing called WILL. :roll:

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I'll have to go with jr1 on this one. Sexual hormones can't affect feelings and interactions. Asexuals have sexual hormones while talking to their parents, don't they? Does that affect anything? I think not. There's this thing called WILL. :roll:

Haunter, how would you feel if someone told you to just WILL yourself to be sexual, to enjoy sex, or even to will yourself to want sex? If you don't think you can do that, then don't presume to tell others to will away their sexual orientation. It doesn't work like that.

Sexual attraction DOES affect feelings and interactions. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that's ALL it does :)

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Your comparison is quite absurde. Willing oneself into doing something is way more difficult than willing oneself out of doing something. What is more, sexuals have masturbation as a solution to deal with the "sexual urges". What do we have as a solution to our misfortune of living in a word in which sex has become an obsession? Many asexuals crave for affection, for a loving relationship, only to be confronted with the bluntness of the "sex = love" statement the oversexed world has chosen as its motto lately. So what do we have? Nothing... Hey, and why's that? 'Cause to more than half of the Globe's population we're not even real. I'm kind of tired of being understanding with people that like to reduce everything to their point of view. Sure, I'm making a mistake by generalising, but that's the way things work: the minority sometimes suffers for the mistakes of the majority.

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Willing oneself into doing something is way more difficult than willing oneself out of doing something.

Why is it more difficult? Do you have anything to back that up, or is it just because you say so? Do you think it's more difficult to will yourself into smoking a cigarette than it is to will yourself to give up smoking?

I've tried willing away my feelings of sexual attraction for the sake of my relationship with my asexual wife. I'm a confident person, and I felt I could do it if I tried. What actually happened was that I drove myself to the edge of clinical depression. Far from being easy, I believe to will away feelings of sexual attraction is simply impossible for a sexual. You can will away acting on that attraction, that's celibacy, but feeling the attraction will remain - that's what a sexual orientation IS.

What is more, sexuals have masturbation as a solution to deal with the "sexual urges".

Masturbation does NOT diminish sexual attraction. It can put a dent in your sex drive (and often it doesn't), but its effect for sexuals is pretty much the same as its effect for masturbating asexuals. For sexuals like myself for whom sex is bound to notions of emotional intimacy, masturbation can magnify feelings of loneliness and isolation from your partner.

What do we have as a solution to our misfortune of living in a word in which sex has become an obsession?

I don't think most sexuals are as obsessed by sex as some of the asexuals here at AVEN :roll:. Seriously. Maybe for a while as teenagers people get a bit sex-obsessive, but it's actually a fairly small (though important) part of most sexuals' lives.

I live in a world in which people are obsessed with television and meaningless celebrity, something that does nothing for me. Even though I have no television, I'm bombarded by newspaper stories about who got voted off Big Brother and what Paris Hilton has done now. My solution: I just ignore it. I imagine it would be quite tiring to take offence every time someone said "You don't even know who Lindsay Lohan is?" or "Did you see that new program last night on Channel 7?"

Many asexuals crave for affection, for a loving relationship, only to be confronted with the bluntness of the "sex = love" statement the oversexed world has chosen as its motto lately.

As far as I can see, those sexuals who believe that sex is loving, and those who are responsible for oversexualising popular culture and media, are rarely the same people. Those who believe that sex stems from love are also offended by the crass oversexed imagery of music videos, for example.

So what do we have? Nothing... Hey, and why's that? 'Cause to more than half of the Globe's population we're not even real. I'm kind of tired of being understanding with people that like to reduce everything to their point of view. Sure, I'm making a mistake by generalising, but that's the way things work: the minority sometimes suffers for the mistakes of the majority.

If you're tired of being understanding, then you have no basis for saying that others should be more so.

Believe me, I can see your difficulties. I once didn't understand asexuality, and for that matter neither did my asexual wife. It made life very difficult for both of us at times. But what helped was finding people who weren't "tired of being understanding".

I sympathise with your frustrations with people who just refuse to acknowledge asexuality's existence, but dumping on all sexuals for just being sexual doesn't help your cause at all. In your post you diminished the validity of my orientation, something that offends you when others do that to you. Don't become what you despise.

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Willing oneself into doing something is way more difficult than willing oneself out of doing something.

Why is it more difficult? Do you have anything to back that up, or is it just because you say so? Do you think it's more difficult to will yourself into smoking a cigarette than it is to will yourself to give up smoking?

Why, yes, it IS more difficult to will oneself into smoking a cigarette than to give up smoking. There are all sort of subtitutes that can help a person easily quit smoking, but is there anything that can help a non-smoker deal with the iritation and the cough that the first cigarette cause?

I've tried willing away my feelings of sexual attraction for the sake of my relationship with my asexual wife. I'm a confident person, and I felt I could do it if I tried. What actually happened was that I drove myself to the edge of clinical depression. Far from being easy, I believe to will away feelings of sexual attraction is simply impossible for a sexual. You can will away acting on that attraction, that's celibacy, but feeling the attraction will remain - that's what a sexual orientation IS.

Well, than - sorry to tell you, but - you obviously didn't feel true love for your asexual wife. This is what most sexuals don't get: YOU REALLY CAN VANQUISH SEXUAL ATTRACTION IF YOU REALLY WANT TO. Our antisexual friends are the incontestable proof of that.

What is more, sexuals have masturbation as a solution to deal with the "sexual urges".

Masturbation does NOT diminish sexual attraction. It can put a dent in your sex drive (and often it doesn't), but its effect for sexuals is pretty much the same as its effect for masturbating asexuals. For sexuals like myself for whom sex is bound to notions of emotional intimacy, masturbation can magnify feelings of loneliness and isolation from your partner.

Oddly enough, most sexuals say that after masturbating the sexual attraction disappears for a while. I bet that with a little compromise from both of you, the bound between emotional intimacy and sex would start to fade away slowly. Of course, if you start with the premise that it can't happen, the chanses are it never will.

What do we have as a solution to our misfortune of living in a word in which sex has become an obsession?

I don't think most sexuals are as obsessed by sex as some of the asexuals here at AVEN :roll:.

You would be obsessed with sex to if you didn't wanted it and everyone around you would constantly nag you about having it and the society would force you to see in it qualities you perceive as defects.

I live in a world in which people are obsessed with television and meaningless celebrity, something that does nothing for me. Even though I have no television, I'm bombarded by newspaper stories about who got voted off Big Brother and what Paris Hilton has done now. My solution: I just ignore it. I imagine it would be quite tiring to take offence every time someone said "You don't even know who Lindsay Lohan is?" or "Did you see that new program last night on Channel 7?"

Really?! Well, not knowing about Lindsay Lohan doesn't make you feel ashamed in front of your parents, doesn't deaden you in the eyes of your loved ones, doesn't decrease your self-esteem, doesn't make you feel an outcast among your friends, leaving you with no subject of discussion at parties, does it?!

So what do we have? Nothing... Hey, and why's that? 'Cause to more than half of the Globe's population we're not even real. I'm kind of tired of being understanding with people that like to reduce everything to their point of view. Sure, I'm making a mistake by generalising, but that's the way things work: the minority sometimes suffers for the mistakes of the majority.

If you're tired of being understanding, then you have no basis for saying that others should be more so.

I do have, seeing as I've been understanding so far.

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Haunter, I could argue your post line by line, but I won't, I'll just say this:

Well, than - sorry to tell you, but - you obviously didn't feel true love for your asexual wife.

I'm not sure how you feel able to know my feelings better than I do myself (on not only this matter, but others also), but I'll just say that you're wrong here. Very, very wrong.

Perhaps you could enlighten us all as to how sexuals can vanquish feelings of sexual attraction by willpower alone. I'm sure all of us with asexual partners would thank you for it.

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