aury Posted January 11, 2003 Share Posted January 11, 2003 k, one of my sisters just announced yesterday that she's pregnant. i'm thrilled for her, but when i think about what's coming for me in the next few months, i feel the urge to either kick someone's ass or get in my car & never come back. it's not the fact that another baby's on the way. hell, i'm looking forward to it. the only thing that's going to bother me is the fact that i'm going to have a slew of relatives up my ass about when i'm going to get married & have kids of my own. now, w/ this complaint comes a question: should i just tell evryone to go to hell or should i just gather them all in one room & yell out that i'm asexual? i feel the strongest urge to do the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Orpheus Posted January 11, 2003 Share Posted January 11, 2003 U2U me, we'll talk. Perhaps i can be of some service. Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted January 12, 2003 Share Posted January 12, 2003 I say tell them... they can handle it (or should be able to). Kate Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 12, 2003 Author Share Posted January 12, 2003 doubtful. we're talking about old-fashioned cubans here. they're worse than anybody. when i told my doctor, she just gave me the "cock the head to one side & stare quizically" expression. bitch. sorry. i just woke up from a long nap & i don't feel like i'm making much sense at this point... Link to post Share on other sites
Artemis Posted January 12, 2003 Share Posted January 12, 2003 Well you could gather them all in a room, tell them, and then go stay with a friend until the dust settles! Would they understand what asexuality is? Do you think they'd listen to an explanation, and would they send you back to the doctor/therapist etc? I think the question I'm asking is how much hassle do you think you'd get if you told them, and how does it compare to the amount of hassle you get about getting married and having kids? Would it be easier to tell one/a few of your relatives, and maybe enlist their help in keeping the others off your back about marriage etc? Link to post Share on other sites
George-Q Posted January 12, 2003 Share Posted January 12, 2003 The way I see it, there are four possible options: 1) Tell them and hope that they understand. 2) Don't tell them and let them keep guessing for a while longer 3) Start dating a "sexual" person to shut them up 4) Try and find an "asexual" partner From what you say, it doesn't sound like they'll be too understanding, so No 1 might cause more problems for you than it solves just at the moment. You're still young (I peeked at your profile) so keeping them guessing for a while longer seems reasonable. Wait until you reach your thirties ! I guarantee the hassles with relatives wanting to know when you're going to get married and have kids will be ten times worse. I wouldn't recommend No 3 as from my experience it never works. No 4 could be the best option, but is easier said than done. Maybe this discussion group is a good place to start. I think No 2 is your best bet now. This will give you time to decide whether you want to find a partner in life or not. If you don't and you choose No 1, you might find that your relatives are more understanding in a few years once they realize that "it's not something that you're going to grow out of". Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 12, 2003 Author Share Posted January 12, 2003 well, so far the only people who know are my mother, 3 friends, & 2 of my sisters (the latter both think it's a joke). i don't know about telling the rest of my family, judging from the blank stares they already give when i tell them i want to stay single. it's just that they piss me off so much, that i get tempted to just inhale & blurt it out. eh, screw them. if they harass me in 10 years, i'll just tell them to go to hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Orpheus Posted January 13, 2003 Share Posted January 13, 2003 I go through the same thing every fucking day. Link to post Share on other sites
Legolas Posted January 13, 2003 Share Posted January 13, 2003 Become friends with a person of opposite sex. Friends only invite them over a few times that should shut the up :) Then when u go out (and do your own thing) they think u seeing them when in fact u smoking pot with friends in a park errrrrr I mean um nm :) Alex Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 14, 2003 Author Share Posted January 14, 2003 lol... nah, i wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them see me w/ a male friend. hell, it's bad enough they see me playing w/ my nieces & nephews. hell, it's unorthodox for me to play w/ any children. i didn't even like kids when i was a kid. all i wanted to do was read, dammit. & one day, when i was just sitting there minding my damned business at my desk, some asshole that i had a crush on decided to drop the ink cartridge from his red marker down the back of my chair, staining my jeans red. of COURSE i chased him down after school & threw him up against the fence!!! i also threatened to castrate him & feed his family jewels to the squirrels. & i was only 11!!! um, sorry. went off on a tangent there......... *slaps forehead* k, i'm gonna go shake that one off. Link to post Share on other sites
ehartsay Posted January 14, 2003 Share Posted January 14, 2003 If you don't think they would understand when you say 'asexuality' don't use that term, every time they ask, just tell them that you don't find the idea of getting matrried interesting. Tell them straight out you aren't interested in getting married, never want to have sex with anyone, and don't want to have children, that you just have no interest int hese things. Then every time the subject comes up say flatly you don't find these things interesting. It's easier this way, if you are dealing w/people who don't understand, often using a specific term to characterize yourself as 'asexual', 'gay' or whatever it is just makes them argue that you aren't REALLY that way, it's a delusion, you've been brainwashed, you don't know what you want, etc. If you just turn off the topic by saying you don't find it apealling/interesting doesn't give them a concrete stance to argue against. It's harder to fight confirmed apathy than a particular persona. Also remember to use reverse psychology: i.e. for when are you going to get married? "Why do you assume I want to get married, why is this so impoortant to you? Why do you feel like I have to do this? Is this really so important to you? Why are you so obsessed with getting married and breeding? You really need to try to accept thgat there are other ways of being that are equally valid....etc, etc, etc Link to post Share on other sites
bard of aven Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 It took me a long time to train my family to leave me alone on these subjects. I started out by just walking away whenever they started asking me about it. Sometimes for monhts, when I could finally afford it. Later, I got more militant: "What, you want me to get married, have a a relationship like yours? Have you looked at yours lately?" For some years now, we all get along very well together. They don't ask me any more why I am alone, at least in part because they see the point when I ask them if they wouldn't like to be alone at least part of the time. I was never an Adonis, but I have also diliberately built a body that most people do not find physically attractive. I keep myself healthy and work out regularly, but I look a little like Rasputin. And I dress plainly and cheaply. So it rarely happens that I become the object of anyone else's attractions. It also acts as a good friendship/social filter: the kind of people who are put off by my appearance tend to be the kind of people I do not want to know. And the kind of people who don't care what I look like are more likely to accept me as I am, the whole package. On those occasions when people who are not good friends ask me about my sexual orientation and practices, I tell them bluntly: "The fact that you are thinking about what I do with my genitals says more about you then whatever I am doing says about me." On the only occasion where it became an issue at work, I had a short chat with the person who dared to raise it, including our boss in the conversation, about the current state of hostile workplace legislation and the ways in which the courts were interpreting it. That was the end of that. From the religious perspective, as has been pointed out elsewhere, in the Judeo-Christian tradition, the perfect state of mankind as God made them is an asexual state. If your christian family hassles you about not wanting sex, you might point out the in Genesis, wanting to have sex is one of the punishments of God on Adam and Eve. Asexuals are closer to God's original design than anyone, the way I read the bible. And a related quote from Jesus, tho I am not sure anyone really knows what he was getting at: Some are born eunuchs, some are made so by men, and some are so for the Kingdom of God. Let those accept it who can." I have some more thoughts on this, but let this suffice for now. My advice: Be who you know you are. To the greatest extent you can, organize your entire life around around those things that affirm who you know you are and let you life as that person positivley. It ain't always easy, but it's mostly worth it in the long run. boa Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 15, 2003 Author Share Posted January 15, 2003 i never thought of it that way (the religious perspective). intersting... & a valid argument to bring up... i've tried all those methods. people in my family are just so narrow minded & stupid that anything i say just goes in one ear & out the other (hence, the blank stare). i swear, in 10 years, if they ask me why i'm not married, i'm gonna go right ahead & ask them "why aren't you thin?" Link to post Share on other sites
bard of aven Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 Why wait? But I suppose familial peace and parental respect have a place in all this too, even if they are not two-way streets..... In ten years, there may be more pointed questions, like: Why ARE you? You're obviously not happy. or Why aren't you? You used to be? or Why Are you? Once didn't teach you anything? Not that I wish them ill. Far from it. But statistics and society are stacked against them. Meanwhile, if talk is pointless, just be. Behavioral psychology teaches that the best response to inappropriate behavior is to ignore it. (Here I go giving advice again. Sorry.) Good luck, and keep visiting those psychic (and electronic) places that reinforce you. boa Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted January 15, 2003 Share Posted January 15, 2003 ". . . if they ask me why i'm not married, i'm gonna go right ahead & ask them "why aren't you thin?"" *LMAO* You always come up with some nice ones :D But as for the kids problem, I'm not sure what to say. I, personally, would like to have a kid when I am ready and financially stable. HOWEVER, I don't want to have sex to have this kid. I think adoption would be the best choice for me. So if (and I say IF hehe) you ever want to have kids, would your relatives get on your ass if you chose adoption? To tell them you're asexual . . . If you think they would freak out, try to tone it down a bit, like say, "I don't want to have sex!" Link to post Share on other sites
aury Posted January 16, 2003 Author Share Posted January 16, 2003 i've been telling them "cause it's my twat!!!" all these years, & the only comeback they can muster up is "but what does that have to do w/ anything?" at this point i just take a deep, long breath & yell "EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i would adopt, but later on, say when i'm in my 30s or 40s. at least, i'm considering it. i basically just tell them about the adoption thing to shut them up & get them off my back. meddling assholes......... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.