Sexual and ace questioning begin

[ocotilloandwren]

Hello everyone,

 

Somehow only just discovered this forum today. I am 7 or 8 years into a cis-gender, straight relationship. I am the female sexual and i am questioning if he is the male ace for years. I have been honest about my need for regular sex since we started dating and we struggled at the beginning with his non-committal nature, i pushed pretty hard and now see that, as my therapist at the time said, i was acting out of codependence. we had sex often for about 1 month before we were officially in a partnership but from the very beginning he was adamant that i needed to be far more expressive and communicative with him which has carried through our entire relationship. my therapist at the time said i was perfectly capable of communication and she suspected he was incapable of physical intimacy and used emotional intimacy to make a connection with people. this i can confirm now is absolutely the case.

 

the last time we had penetration was in 2021 but i am well aware that sex is a place you go together and not an act. when i initiate now (he has no interest in initiating for myriad reasons; he does not want to be responsible

for “choreographing” sex, he feels like redneck men and misogynists “grab” women to initiate and is very concerned about not “violating” me) the initiation i make does not take because i for example say something like mild dirty talk and he became irritated with me and today he reiterated for the thousandth time that he needs to hear “uplifting” things from me after i playfully gently humped him and teased him for his slightly mildewy smelling fleece which has been a thing between us, getting this fleece properly cleaned. in short he is a highly sensitive person as am i. i am also a woman who experiences spontaneous desire that is only getting more intense as i age.

 

we communicate all the time but it is never enough for him and i have been resentful for years now, now wondering if my anxiety is tied into this. i feel i have aged beyond my years from trying to figure out what i need to do to turn him on. I do have a lot of patriarchal baggage, ive been working through it deeply, with what i expect of men initiating and feeling subservient, not being able to say exactly what i want when i want it. i have changed a lot for the better since meeting my partner.

 

i am going to officially seek out couple’s therapy now for us and see if we can get some coping mechanisms but we both experience depression in this relationship as i express my needs arent being met and he often feels bashful when i thoughtfully discuss wanting to be sexually desired. we have a lot of tension filled moments and sometimes whole days. he has always answered that he is “not opposed” to sex and has enjoyed it when we had a couple good sessions at the beginning of the relationship.

 

we love each other deeply now and are sharing a household and all the things involved with cohabitation.

something prevents me from climbing on top of him to initiate (he never had interest again in being my top after our first night together) now even though i can see myself doing it, i have the capacity, but just cant see the benefit maybe, so i don’t. i learnt a long time ago i have to let him be him and not try to change him and try to accept a compromise or the like, as laid out in the 4 choices you guys mention in this forum. even with the knowledge of needing to let him be i still miss desperately having a man want me and want to be my top.

 

this partner of mine has also had extreme pressure and conflict in most of his previous relationships with women and their expectation that it is his “responsibility” to bring them to orgasm. as such, he has been activated by any hint of pressure or obligation since i have known him. with my needs unmet and fully discussed on occasion i have gently proposed possible going outside the relationship for sex but not gotten a great response. 

 

therapy is the obvious next step for us especially because he does not identify as asexual due to the fact that he is “not opposed to sex.” i am hoping to gently bring it up again and perhaps with therapy help him realize what his needs are because he does not know what he wants. i remember i asked him to read “come as you are” years ago and he did not which was a red flag at the time i ignored.

 

we have been through HUGE life events together, so good through them all, he loves to cuddle and just wants to emotionally gush to each other and spill our guts and be loving and supportive and uplifting and i do feel i just fall short over and over again. often just wanting to be dicked down and respectfully objectified, all the desire of sex and feeling like an incel. i have expressed all this to him and he really does not like the sound of any of that. so asexuality is making more and more sense wouldnt you say?

 

not sure what the next step will be for us. we have so much in common, almost all our values, so it is really unfortunate that i dont think i will be able to compromise much longer. i’m devastated. 

[Olallieberry]

Welcome

 

Maybe he'll identify as asexual and maybe he won't. I wouldn't get hung up on whether or not he does, because either way it can't change what you already know: There is a major incompatibility based on a severe mis-match between you two regarding interest in sex and what kind of sex will "work." That's just the facts regardless of how he calls his orientation and identity.

 

I hope the therapy helps and I hope he can become willing to explore options to help with the mis-match and the incompatibility.

 

Since you're new here, I'll link you to the standard four options for such a couple. You pretty much already addressed each of them in your post, but I do so in order to kind of demonstrate that those are pretty much the only four there are. You still have a lot of investigation and exploration to do, because each of the four options can be very very nuanced, but, be reassured you haven't overlooked any major secret tricks for fixing or coping with the incompatibility.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

13 hours ago, ocotilloandwren said:

herapy is the obvious next step for us especially because he does not identify as asexual due to the fact that he is “not opposed to sex.” i am hoping to gently bring it up again and perhaps with therapy help him realize what his needs are because he does not know what he wants. i remember i asked him to read “come as you are” years ago and he did not which was a red flag at the time i ignored.

 

we have been through HUGE life events together, so good through them all, he loves to cuddle and just wants to emotionally gush to each other and spill our guts and be loving and supportive and uplifting and i do feel i just fall short over and over again. often just wanting to be dicked down and respectfully objectified, all the desire of sex and feeling like an incel. i have expressed all this to him and he really does not like the sound of any of that. so asexuality is making more and more sense

It doesn't take to be opposed to sex to be asexual, and it's possible he could be on the ace spectrum, but it's also possible he's just different and sees things differently, maybe 'less' sexual and doesn't need sex.. or maybe low libido too, there's lots of possibilities. Not all guys are very desirous of sex or tops, etc. You have your preferences and roles that you enjoy and it might just not click with however he is. It doesn't mean there's something wrong on either end, it's just a difference that can lead to sexual incompatibility. Some people would really click with a partner who doesn't focus on sexuality and doesn't objectify and is more connecting more emotionally and isn't a traditional man, but a lot of sexual people mix romance and sex being part of that intimacy, and if that's how it is for you then it makes sense why it's a bit deal. Someone who doesn't connect that way will have trouble understanding you.

 

Communication is great and always important, though you did great with writing your thoughts and feelings in the post, so I think you're able to express yourself quite a bit, at least in writing (have you thought of writing a letter to him, if you think you're more able in writing?)  But if he knows that these things is are big deal for you, then I think he should look more into these things, ..maybe a part of him is scared to recognize himself as different from the norm when it comes to sexuality, who knows, I'm just speculating. But couples therapy could maybe help a bit. I don't think it will help with the natural incompatibility though, you might not be able to feel desired sexually still. I guess you have to decide what's important to you and if you can stand for this to continue, if you can accept it enough to be fulfilled in the relationship, or if it's not worth it. And your happiness does matter.

[Ceebs]

On 10/13/2025 at 8:42 PM, ocotilloandwren said:

i dont think i will be able to compromise much longer. i’m devastated. 

Those are the words that stand out the most to me in your entire post. And throughout the whole thing, your pain and stress come through very loud and clear. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. 

 

Sometimes love does not 'conquer all', as they say. You deserve a relationship that isn't missing the important things for you, where you feel loved in the ways you need. And your partner, of course, deserves to be able to be himself when it comes to his sexuality, to not feel like he really ought to be trying to change his desires (or lack thereof). 
 

Mostly all I have to say is that I'm glad to hear you're planning on seeking out a therapist. I hope it helps you find some clarity and figure out a way to move forward, whatever that way is. But things staying as they are is untenable.

[ocotilloandwren]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond to my thoughts. I’m grateful to have such insightful folks offering me your candid thoughts, especially in this very nuanced complex area. 

 

I feel like I can take some

more conscious steps now with all the thoughts you’ve given me and all

of the information in this forum I was lucky to find. It is of course invaluable

to have words for feelings and this forum puts a lot of words onto the nuanced processes around sex and desire. it is unfortunate that we don’t live in a more sex positive world where it is easier to find these things out about ourselves. Navigating who i really am and what i really want has been and is the challenge mostly; as it is for everyone at some point i am guessing.

Thank you again