A friend asked to be fwb and I'm torn

[whosit121]

I don't yet know exactly where I'm going with this, and this is my first time on this forum (this situation is a big part of the reason why I ended up making an account here to begin with), so bear with me.

 

It's as the title says: a friend of mine asked to be friends with benefits, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. We aren't very close; we we coworkers until a few weeks ago, and I get along with them pretty well, though I wouldn't say we chat frequently or anything. Yesterday evening after we hung out at a cafe they shot me the message and it put me in a strange position. I'm not uncomfortable over it or anything, but it's forced me to confront some things about myself that I spend most days choosing to overlook.

 

For instance, every once in a while, I'll be struck with the idle thought somewhere along the lines of "if someone walked up to me and asked to make out, I'd totally say yes." This leads me to think that I crave some level of physical intimacy, though not sex. Another common fantasy involves someone coming up to me and straightforwardly declaring their romantic interest. I've had some complicated, vaguely-romantic relationships with people that in most cases never even got to hand holding, were steeped in this ever-present tension, and all ended poorly. In short, my extremely limited experience with romance has been hugely stressful. Most of that stress was born from a lack of clarification on what either of us wanted. I'm apparently really terrible at reading romantic cues sometimes, and most of the time, I can't seem to pick out what I even want.

 

What this person handed me what was, in form, everything I've ever wanted served on a silver platter: a completely unambiguous declaration of their interest in me and desire for intimacy. As a fat and queer person who basically never considers that anyone would be interested in them, this was huge for me. Of course, the problem is that they came to me with the intention of having sex. Which is obviously fine. I just don't know if I'm willing to give that a try. I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of trying sex, but when I do, I'd want to do it with someone I already have a close relationship with.

 

I ended up telling them that I'm asexual, hold sexual intimacy really close to myself, and don't feel comfortable experimenting with that part of myself right now. However, I did say that I am open to other forms of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc.). They were super chill about me being ace and said that, although they are mostly looking for hookups, they would be open to trying any of that other stuff with me if they wanted. But since we aren't very close friends to begin with, I'm not sure how good of an idea that is. It feels a little silly to build up this whole arrangement around nonsexual physical intimacy with someone I don't know that well, especially when I know that's not really what they're looking for, and even if they are being respectful about it.

 

Ultimately, I am left feeling very frustrated about myself and my situation. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm asexual in some form, and I can live with that. It's just frustrating feeling like I've received the closest thing to the open and unambiguous opportunity I always wanted, but I can't take it because I'm uncomfortable with the sexual aspect.

 

I'm only 22 and I know I have many years ahead of me, but this plus my depressing "romantic" history has me feeling exhausted. All I really want is to find somebody who will accept every part of me for who I am, and it's hard not to feel like it'll never happen. It almost did happen to me, once, but that whole deal wound up such a dumpster fire it basically wrecked me for a year or more. Another one of those situations was with another asexual person, but the emotional aspect of things didn't go well, and it hurts feeling like I threw a rare opportunity to get with another ace away because I was having separate issues with this person.

 

This got much longer than I intended, and I seriously commend anyone who made it all the way through to the end. I guess my ultimate thought at the bottom of all this is: has anyone else experienced something similar? What did you do to get through it? It's hard not to feel like I'm continually shooting myself in the foot when it comes to romance. I seem to fumble things every time, even though it's apparently something I want. I crave blatant straightforwardness and clarity, but can never seem to make enough sense of my own feelings to make the first move myself. It commonly feels like I'm asking the impossible of the nonexistent other party while I can't even embody the same traits I ask for. I always feel like I'm falling short, and when those thoughts keep rolling in, it's easy to get trapped in this spiral of loneliness.

[BeADreamer]

@whosit121 For whatever reason, I'm having an issue with the "quote section" button popping up for me consistently, but from your post: "They were super chill about me being ace and said that, although they are mostly looking for hookups, they would be open to trying any of that other stuff with me if they wanted."

If you wanted to try that, you could be open with them back and tell them you'd love to, but you would also like to get to know them better first, and take your time building a friendship with this person. Then if they're still game by then, you can kinda figure out what you like and don't like.

 

2 hours ago, whosit121 said:

Another one of those situations was with another asexual person, but the emotional aspect of things didn't go well, and it hurts feeling like I threw a rare opportunity to get with another ace away because I was having separate issues with this person.

It doesn't sound like you threw something good away here. It sounds like you were incompatible with this person regardless of whether they were asexual, and leaving that situation was the best decision you could have made for yourself. And from their perspective, think of it like this. Would you want someone to choose to be in a relationship with you just because you were asexual? Now replace asexual with some other characteristic. Would you want someone to choose to be in a relationship with you just because of your hair color? Because they also have the same hair color and so maybe you can both use the same shampoo. That might be convenient, but it's a horrible reason to be/stay in a relationship with someone.

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, whosit121 said:

if someone walked up to me and asked to make out, I'd totally say yes.

My hot take is this:

 

If this friend had gone ahead and done that and you had said yes and the two of you had made out, THAT is how fwb situations start.

 

Have you? Has he?

 

It's unusual to try to start something by just bluntly asking. And by "something" I'm specifically talking about a fwb thing. Bluntly asking is an OK way to propose having sex, it's even an OK way to propose being a couple, but doing it for FWB is so weird.

 

Normally, people (who may or may not already be friends) get intimate first, and then talk about whether it's going to go anywhere or not. 

 

I mean, there's nothing really wrong with his being honest up front, and I can understand the way you explained your appreciation for this approach. But it is so odd that it makes me wonder whether the guy is exceptionally naïve. Like, red-flag levels of naïve. I don't know.

 

3 hours ago, whosit121 said:

All I really want is to find somebody who will accept every part of me for who I am

Let's think this through:

 

He does not want a relationship with you. So you already know that this particular guy isn't where you're going to find this.

 

Maybe you dodged a bullet.

[everywhere and nowhere]

7 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Bluntly asking is an OK way to propose having sex

😱 It's only for the better that I'm asexual, sex-averse, unattractive, reclusive and don't have to deal with such situations...

I would refuse without the tiniest bit of doubt - I am sex-averse and actively want never to try sex - but really, thinking that people bluntly propose having sex feels just... kinda scary.

[Ceebs]

4 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

but really, thinking that people bluntly propose having sex feels just... kinda scary.

That can mean a lot of different things though. Are you thinking of someone bluntly propositioning someone they don't really know? Or people who are in a relationship sometimes just straightforwardly asking their partner if they'd be interested? I do the latter sometimes and it's not inherently any scarier than asking my husband if he wants to go for a walk with me or watch something together. Obviously there's a different vibe to a sexual situation than there is to going for a walk, but I just mean the comfort level in asking is no scarier to me.

 

Asking someone I hardly know if they want to have sex would be pretty damn terrifying to me, though.

[Philip027]

What is it that you feel like you're "fumbling" exactly?

 

Sometimes, people just don't work out.  In fact, most of the time, people don't work out.  It isn't necessarily a fault of either party; we just aren't always compatible.  And simply being of matching orientations doesn't necessarily mean we'll be compatible.

 

11 hours ago, whosit121 said:

I'm apparently really terrible at reading romantic cues sometimes,

Are you sure that's the problem, or are some people just really terrible at communicating them?

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

😱 It's only for the better that I'm asexual, sex-averse, unattractive, reclusive and don't have to deal with such situations...

I would refuse without the tiniest bit of doubt - I am sex-averse and actively want never to try sex - but really, thinking that people bluntly propose having sex feels just... kinda scary.

I'm not saying it's going to be convincing or that the invitation will be welcomed, I'm also not saying it's the. best way. I get misunderstood when I talk about "seduction" around here but it's certainly a better way. Chances of success are better and even when it doesn't succeed, it's still a better way to show how one feels and what one wants.

 

I was comparing the blunt-ask when you want to shag to the blunt-ask for ... More, but not-more. "Just sex, this once" is lower expectations than "and while we're at it, why don't we also agree, before we even do it at all, to doing it repeatedly, but not as a couple." And "let's be a romantic couple" is a higher expectation than that. The lowest expectation and the highest expectation seem not-weird when expressed bluntly, while the thing in the middle seems weird—that is how it seems to me.

 

The FWB situation definitely seems to me like one should "start with LOW stakes and then just see where both people want to take it," instead of skipping right past "shall we have sex?" to "shall we have sex AND keep doing it but not in a real relationship." To get such a proposition from somebody would seem insulting and would make them seem shockingly naïve and inexperienced at best and disturbingly self-centered at worst.

 

4 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Asking someone I hardly know if they want to have sex would be pretty damn terrifying to me, though.

And from the getting-asked side this is probably also common, but for different reasons.