To confess or not?

[moonbun]

Hi everyone! Been lurking the forums on and off, but I’ve finally decided to make an account to ask for some advice on a tricky situation 😅

 

I (25F) am pretty solidly asexual, but haven’t really figured out whether I’m aro or demiromantic. Very rarely, I’ll hit a point in some close friendships where I contemplate being okay with escalating the relationship if they so choose, but I also treasure friendship too much to initiate. In most cases, the friend shows interest in someone else or grows more distant, and the feelings fade to the usual level of platonic. 
 

Now, I have a certain close friend whom I’ve experienced these feelings for years. She is ace, and neither of us had ever been in any sort of romantic relationship for a long time. Just four months ago, however, she got her first boyfriend. I’m happy for her whenever she discusses her relationship, but for the first time I started feeling a bit heartbroken? It’s kind of tricky because she’s in the ideal sort of relationship - the guy adores and respects her from what I’ve heard - but I can’t help but feel a tad jealous. 
 

The last thing I want to do is break them up, but I selfishly wish I could get some closure on these feelings. I can’t even determine if they’re romantic or queerplatonic since I think I’d be happy with a QPR. If anything, I’d also be happy being turned down because that’d trigger the usual reaction of my feelings withdrawing, and I’d be able to discuss the ace experience with her again without an elephant in my room. I’ve held back to not introduce any awkwardness to their relationship or our friendship, but it still nags at my mind. 
 

So, should I discuss my feelings with her? Or should I keep them to myself until she possibly leaves the relationship? Am I thinking about this too hard? Any advice welcome!

[Ceebs]

Honestly I would not confess feelings to someone in an apparently happy relationship. If you had a sense it wasn't going well or they were heading towards a breakup... personally yeah, I'd probably do it, or at least hint at my interest, but I know some people would find that inappropriate as well until they were definitively broken up. 
 

But take that with a grain of salt. I'm just one person, and if you think it would be better to do so, that's really only your decision.

[Luftschlosseule]

So I guess the question you should ask yourself what you'd consider to be worse: Things staying as they are between you rn (for now) or her rejecting you. 
Only talking about bad outcomes because... I personally need to plan for bad outcomes not for good. I can take good spontaneously.

[Olallieberry]

Do you know what outcome you would want?

 

You liked her for years, but didn't do anything about it until she (receently) got a boyfriend.

 

This suggests to me that what you would want would be for things to just go back to the way they were.

 

And that makes it look like what you want is simply to actively break them up. I believe you when you say that isn't what you want, but, will she? Will it matter? You would still be making your closure more important than her relationship.

 

This is just me looking at it from the outside. Is there something different you would want to happen?

 

3 hours ago, moonbun said:

I’d also be happy being turned down because that’d trigger the usual reaction of my feelings withdrawing, and I’d be able to discuss the ace experience with her again

Would you be able to, though? There is a very real risk that if you behave selfishly, it will prevent things from just going back to the way they were. Closure is likely what you would get, but maybe in a more severe way than you imagine.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@moonbun If you're ready for drama, you can do what you want. It just could turn out bad if your friend is in a relationship right now, either for them or for your own connection with her. (and that bf could turn on you too)

[Philip027]

I usually confess things because it feels dishonest for me not to and I do not feel comfortable not being honest with friends, not because I need some sense of "closure" -- which nobody else really owes you and ultimately is up to you to provide for yourself.

 

In such a case where the other person is already in a relationship, you probably should add (heavily) that what you say is purely on an informative basis and doesn't come with any sort of hopes/expectations on your part.  Unless it does, in which case... that would essentially make you an attempted homewrecker, and that isn't exactly cool.

[moonbun]

Thank you for the replies everyone!

 

4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I usually confess things because it feels dishonest for me not to and I do not feel comfortable not being honest with friends, not because I need some sense of "closure" -- which nobody else really owes you and ultimately is up to you to provide for yourself.

This might be the better description for what worries me actually. I think the word’s just on my mind because she keeps bringing up having deep heart to heart convos with people recently and appreciating having closure.
 

The relationship isn’t picture perfect since she has complained about their fights and differences, but I also understand that people tend to complain more than say when things are great. I’ve also never met him and I don’t want to paint him as a villain lol

 

But yeah, I absolutely do not want to homewreck and wouldn’t want anything to come of it outside of honesty. Like I said, I can’t even pin down what kind of feelings they are aside from complicated. The dubiously aro in me wonders if I just miss hanging out more freely since that’s the main part I’m jealous of (scheduling while employed my beloathed). It’s just kind of awkward since as a friend I want to hear about her relationship and have honest conversations, and as my ace irl friend she’d be the best person to confide with if it weren’t for the subject.
 

That being said, I am very drama averse, so unless the specific situation comes up to talk about it I will probably keep it to myself. Hearing other perspectives really helped!

[cat_lady]

I think that telling her your feelings has a strong chance of straining the friendship. Things could get awkward and it could put your friend in a difficult and uncomfortable situation.

 

I think the best possible outcome would be that nothing changes. Worst outcome could be that it ends the friendship. Is that worth sharing your feelings about her?

[Mootio]

One potential issue here is that if you don't tell her, but insert some emotional distance to help you move on, she's going to wonder what has happened to prompt that change in your behaviour. The dynamic could alter either way as a result of you feeling the way that you do. We think we're mysterious but people do try and read us and they pick up on things whether we intend for them to or not.

 

But, then again, I do remember going through a similar situation to this with my best friend at the time. I got increasingly frustrated the longer I fought to keep it to myself and eventually I had to come clean. After I fessed up, she didn't want to be friends with me any longer. So, I understand that it's risky and things might never be the same between the two of you ever again. I don't know what your values are but I am similar to Philip in finding it dishonest to keep things from other people.

 

As an aside, people might say it's wrong of you to confess just to make yourself feel better and I understand that angle. But if your friends aren't making you feel better, if your friends are actually making you feel worse in one way or another, I question the point in even having such friends in my life.