Perdido Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 My spouse and I have been struggling with desire discrepancy for a long time (15 + years). For most of our marriage we just powered through the rough times as we were raising kids and working - basically adulting. Now that our children are on their way out of the nest, we have started to dive into this a bit deeper. Couples therapy, individual therapy, and a lot of conversations. While most of the assumptions have been targeting menopause as the culprit, I am thinking that they are looking for the "easy" answer first. The problem is that my spouse says things such as, "I have never really had a sex drive..." and might have only had one other sexual partner before me (something we really have never discussed in detail). In our most recent discussions, she makes comments like "I could go the rest of my life without sex and be fine." When we have discussed desire and how we view physical intimacy her stance is that you could put the most attractive person in front of her, and she simply wouldn't feel anything. This is almost the exact comment that I recently read from someone who identified as asexual. She does not appear to be overly concerned about the low libido and desire discrepancy; other than she knows that this is very troubling to me. I have taken this whole thing on as that I am a failure of a spouse. I have been going to therapy to try and be a better partner. I have read books, magazines, and listened to pod casts to try and help me understand the desire discrepancy and low libido. I have attempted to become a much better lover - focusing most of our time on pleasing her (using the analogy of food - try to make it a meal worth eating and not fast food). In the end none of this seems to change her opinion on physical intimacy. She says that she is deeply in love with me, that I am perfect for her, but she just doesn't have any drive to be physical. When she does appear to be getting "help" for her libido/low desire concerns, it always seems to be the secondary issue... seeking therapy for other issues and low libido. Working on medication changes because she doesn't want to be on certain medication and this might improve libido. The fact that this has been such a significant topic doesn't appear to concern her - there is no urge to try and improve this. From what I have read on low libido vs asexual, there is a good possibility that she could identify as asexual, but I am not sure that she is willing to entertain this due to the potential fallout for our marriage. I believe that she might want to explore this as a possibility as I can only imagine it would provide some relief for her to better understand her sexual identity. It would certainly help alleviate some of the stress that the desire discrepancy is putting on our relationship. Am I crazy for aksing this? I sincerely don't want to come off as an uncompassionate a hole, but that is probably too late. I love my wife and truly want her to be happy. I think this might be a source of a lot of underlying anxiety for her. Any advice or even a similar experience would be helpful in understanding where I am in this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 Hey @Perdido. So, I think one thing to talk about is how identity labels are better as or meant to be descriptive, as in it wouldn't change anything big for her whether she uses an asexual label or not, you'd still have to respect that she doesn't care about sex like you do - there's a big gap in terms of sexual compatibility. Some people might still consider themselves sexual but have lower desire or not need sex, and I didn't see anything in what you said that would make the distinction for sure, it's down to her how she sees herself. It's true that someone asexual or who doesn't feel the same might not understand what the big deal is, because it's just not important for us, and can be hard to imagine how it could be. I think whether or not she is asexual, 'getting' that can be important to understanding your feelings, and she might gain from learning about asexuality too.. But it won't change anything significant about her, I hope you understand that. And it still doesn't change much even if she's not asexual, there still shouldn't be expectations on her to be a way she's not. You mentioned physical intimacy a few times and I wonder if you automatically connect that with sex, because there could be potential to have non-sexual physical intimacy, and I wonder how you both feel about that. For me physical intimacy is very important in my relationships but not sex. It doesn't mean you can help yourself from wanting it to go to sexuality, in which case maybe you won't want to explore non-sexual alternatives, but if you think you can, it can be something on the table to talk about. Having no expectations for sex can make it more easeful and easier to share intimacy, for some. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeADreamer Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 @Perdido If your wife chose to identify as asexual, would that change how you feel about your marriage? Would that change how she feels? I understand it's probably a little scary, because this is unknown territory for both of you. I don't think this would necessarily be a bad thing for your marriage though. If she is indeed asexual, now you have a starting point for a productive discussion about both of your needs, boundaries, and options. Heck, even if she doesn't end up identifying as asexual, you could still have this conversation. I'm not saying to be a pessimist, but hope might be getting in the way here. If I were you, I'd work on getting to a place where I could accept things as if they were never going to change, then use that as a basis for the first conversation of many that you two need to have in order to come up with an arrangement that you both feel good about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olallieberry Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 6 hours ago, Perdido said: I have taken this whole thing on as that I am a failure of a spouse There is only one person who you should listen to on that matter, and it's your spouse. And when you listen to her, believe her. Would she say you're a failure of a spouse? Really: This is not about you, it isn't happening because of you. I mean, it's about you to the extent that you're in this relationship and you have to cope with the mis-match, but, the mis-match isn't. because you're failing, it's because you're two different people with different needs and they happen to not match. It's not your fault. It's not her fault. It's nobody's fault. It just is the marriage you wound up in. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liara Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 Do you know how it would make you feel if your wife accepted the ace label? Maybe you should be sure of your answer before talking to her about that possibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perdido Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 Honestly I think I would personally feel relieved (sounds selfish I know) and I would be happy for her because I think she would have some answers that she is unable to find. I like to think of myself as a positive person so here are the positive aspects of that situation. As for the intimacy part of our marriage - we would have some answers. As for where our marriage was heading - we would have a starting point for the conversation and a better understanding of who “we” are and what we need to plan for. I am not saying that things wouldn’t change, but I feel certain that the conventional way of dealing with low libido/desire is to focus solely on hormonal changes/menopause. I am not sure that is the right approach and leaves a lot of other areas unexplored- past trauma and sexual identity. maybe someone who has been down this path can provide their perspective. For the longest time I have thought it was me. That I was to blame for this. I associated my self esteem/worth with the intimate part of our relationship and the struggles that we have had have been all my fault. I have felt that my wife (loving, loyal, and kind) is trapped in a marriage with someone that she doesn’t have a romantic interest in. Putting all of the pieces together. Listening to what she has said about her lack of sexual desire, and the fact that this significantly predates menopause, that there is no past trauma, the notion that this could be a sexual identity issue is almost a relief. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liara Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 You are not to blame, neither her. On the other side, now, in your same situation, some of us feel like they are trapped in a relationship where they will never have a fulfilling sexual life with their partner. And that nothing will ever change that. Not easy too… 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perdido Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 Not at all! Honestly I probably sound a bit naive. No matter the outcome/reason, to find yourself deep into a relationship (where you absolutely love your partner) with the prospects of never feeling that connection, would be extremely difficult to work through. I wish you the best and thank you for taking time to share. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeADreamer Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 5 hours ago, Perdido said: Honestly I think I would personally feel relieved (sounds selfish I know) and I would be happy for her because I think she would have some answers that she is unable to find. I like to think of myself as a positive person so here are the positive aspects of that situation. As for the intimacy part of our marriage - we would have some answers. As for where our marriage was heading - we would have a starting point for the conversation and a better understanding of who “we” are and what we need to plan for. I am not saying that things wouldn’t change, but I feel certain that the conventional way of dealing with low libido/desire is to focus solely on hormonal changes/menopause. I am not sure that is the right approach and leaves a lot of other areas unexplored- past trauma and sexual identity. I don't think that's selfish. She might also feel relieved, especially if she's never heard about asexuality before. Based on what you've said, I don't think it would be an issue to ask her if she's familiar with asexuality and whether she feels like it applies to her. If you're nervous that she'll take it the wrong way, you can make sure to bring it up in a way that also shows her that you will accept her whether or not she thinks she might be asexual. I mean, if you explain to her what you just explained here, I think it would probably be good for your marriage and for her. I can imagine that feeling like this is a medical problem to fix if it isn't really would take a toll on her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gecko1 Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 9 hours ago, Perdido said: Honestly I think I would personally feel relieved (sounds selfish I know) and I would be happy for her because I think she would have some answers that she is unable to find. It was a relief on many levels for us, both my husband and I, to realize that the problem wasn’t actually a “problem” but actually a mismatch in sexual orientation. But with that relief also came the realization that this isn’t something that can be “fixed” and the hope we had been holding on to that we would figure out a way to improve things wasn’t going to happen. It took some time, but we eventually decided to divorce but remain friends and co-parents. But it is still definitely a relief to finally understand the reasons behind the issues we’ve had for our entire marriage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perdido Posted October 9 Author Share Posted October 9 Thank you for sharing. I am not sure where this will lead us, but I do suspect this next phase of our journey won’t be without some bumps in the road. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windmills of My Mind Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 Life is a road full of bumps. There is no way around that. Some travelers will stick with you all the way. Some may take a different turn at some point of the journey. So learn how to handle the bumps and enjoy the ride. For yourself and the people around you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LateToAce Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 If she isn’t familiar with it, it might be helpful to provide her some resources talking about the split attraction model. Part of what she may be trying to understand can arise from experiencing attractions that society tends to lump together with sexual attraction. It can be quite confusing if you experience romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction but not sexual attraction. It might be helpful for both of you going forward to know what attractions she does feel, and under what circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uhtred Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 I don't think the labels matter. What matters is what each of you needs to be happy and whether is possible for both of you to be happy together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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