Questions about co-parenting and living together after divorce

[Gecko1]

I know I have seen posts from couples here who decided to divorce based on sexual incompatibility but still live together to raise their kids. We’re looking to do that, at least for a couple of years. Does anyone have any advice? Things you wish you’d known?

 

How did you work out parenting responsibilities while still leaving room for separate social lives? For the allosexual, how did dating work with that arrangement?

[blaigorn]

I'm also interested in this as I navigate this possibility more seriously. I've read a couple of experiences online, and my therapist also gave me some suggestions (after I told her I couldn't even think how that would work). I would say working with a couple's therapist would help you both, finding solutions, communicating and establishing boundaries. If you both still love each other in some way, and specially if you want to do the best parenting possible for your children, I'm sure it will be fine.

Here are some possibilities I learned about:

- Living in the same house together, different rooms

- Establishing boundaries, such as not bringing dates to your shared home

- Having a clear agenda that you both share, and negotiate which days you'll be out and who stays with the kids

 

I think ideally you'd move to different houses but I completely understand settling to share a house together, specially at the beginning of the transition, and specially with small kids. There's also the financial aspects, and chore division, but I think that's something that can be negotiated and settled, you'd essentially be roommates who share kids.

 

Best of luck

[Olallieberry]

My wife and I talked about this before we figured out how to stay together. It didn't come to that, and we didn't get as far as talking about what it would be like for me to date while under the same roof. That part probably wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't stay under the same roof for long, for this and no other reason.

 

You can't divorce because of unmet needs and then continue being expected not to get those needs met after the divorce.

[Gecko1]

21 hours ago, blaigorn said:

Here are some possibilities I learned about:

- Living in the same house together, different rooms

- Establishing boundaries, such as not bringing dates to your shared home

- Having a clear agenda that you both share, and negotiate which days you'll be out and who stays with the kids

Thanks! We do have a couple’s therapist and that has been very helpful. Those are good ideas, I will need to add them to my list.
 

We’ve talked more about this and we will probably only end up living together for a year or so. Then he will probably get a small apartment nearby to have his own space and the kids will live with me mostly and he will still come over regularly for family dinners and to spend time with the kids.

 

We plan to continue to jointly own the house as an investment and to keep stability for the kids so he will also help with fixing stuff around the house.

[MrDane]

I think, happy parents, love and stability is what matters most in this equation, for the children. If the children feel it is a good solution, then they will accept a lot that differs from ‘normal’. 

[blaigorn]

Finally something happened, and not what I was expecting. Me and my wife had been distant and disconnected from one another for quite some time, and things were looking hopeless. I was completely set on starting the separation/divorce path during our next couple’s therapy session, which was scheduled right after a family vacation we had planned.

 

I was dreading this vacation. During our last one in August, the rift/disconnect between us was made even more evident. We were doing this one mostly because we wanted our son to have a good time. 

 

First two days were harsh, between travel and our son being a bit more challenging, which left us exhausted. We even commented that this was the hardest vacation start ever. Then at night, while lying in bed after our son was asleep, I started patting my wife’s hair and scratching her back, which I do from time to time, and she loves. I felt a hunger and desire, as I haven’t felt in quite some time. I turned her head to kiss her, and she reciprocated. Things got heated up, and eventually we had sex (our own version of it, focused on her pleasure), which was our first time since August (our failed attempts at compromise).

 

We didn’t talk about it. I felt confused. This felt like a good bye. Maybe one last memory together. Something we needed physically and emotionally but I couldn’t see how that event changed things between us. However, the same thing happened the next night. As soon as I initiated some cuddling she was reciprocating again. This time with more touching and teasing. It felt good and natural. Again we didn’t talk afterwards.

 

The next day we talked. My wife said she missed me so much and she was ready to try again, and try more, to make the relationship work. She said this time she was able to focus on her own pleasure, on the moment, and it felt natural. We also discussed what she had been missing in the relationship, and I expressed my commitment to be more present and patient, which I recognize I haven't been. Interestingly enough, we both were on the same page on the relationship state. We were exhausted and hopeless. We both recognized that a separation/divorce was the only logical thing to do.

 

The rest of the vacations we flirted, we kissed, we touched each other. Some nights she just wanted to lie down and sleep, which obviously was OK by me. Even coming back from vacation, we had sex a couple of times, so I know this isn't an "out of the routine" kind of thing.

 

Now, I can completely appreciate what I've been missing and what I'm having. Sex with my wife seems more effortless and natural, and we are more flirty, kind, and happy with each other. It's impossible for me to say that this is not an important part of our relationship.

 

Even with all the good, there's still a few things missing, and new fears.

 

First, my wife hasn't yet given me an orgasm. She has told me she wants to reciprocate, and she made it clear that if I asked to, she would. But I know she is limited because of her fluid repulsion to a - TMI warning - handjob with a condom. Which has not been great for me the last times we did. So we are focusing on her pleasure. I think this is for the best for now.

 

Second, it still frustrates me when there is teasing, flirting and promises, and then there's no follow up, or things change (ie: promising we'll definitely have sex during the night, and then that no happening). But I recognize that's something I need to manage. And I know I can manage if I know it's a temporary thing, and for sure, she is entitled to change her mind and plans.

 

Third, I've done all this work to accept my sexual identity and sexuality. One of the things I was looking for when accommodating the idea of ENM or a divorce was exactly the exploration of my sexuality and kinky side. Now, I'll need to potentially give that up again. My wife did express some curiosity and willingness to at least try a few things with me. Which I do find exciting, but they didn't happen yet, and still, they are way too vanilla for what I'd hope to try.

 

Fourth, there's a fear from me and my wife that this new energy/sexual moment won't last. If that's the case, we might be back at square one. Which we now know might lead to a separation.

 

This is a long post. All said and done, I am grateful for this second wind in the relationship. It has been good, and I missed having this connection with my wife. We are prioritizing more time together.

 

My therapist advised me to enjoy the moment and not think of the future. To double down on what's working and not think about the "act of sex" as an end goal. I'm trying to follow this advice, and I find that, for the most part I can. The (lack of) sex no longer takes 80% of my mental space throughout the day. It's truly something that was affecting me. But there's the lingering questions about the future, and disappointment for not being able to express myself sexually more.

 

Either way, coming from a position where I was going to the road of separation, I recognize how timely a second wind into our relationship came. I think this is our last effort. Hopefully, the outcome will be us sticking together. Otherwise, I might be at peace knowing that we tried everything.

 

If it buys us more quality time together, I'll be forever grateful. It's interesting how things turned up when they hit rock bottom.

 

[Windmills of My Mind]

6 hours ago, blaigorn said:

It's interesting how things turned up when they hit rock bottom.

Sometimes we just need to hit rock bottom before change will happen. It hurts but there is no way around the hurt. If you (plural, both of you) are not prepared or willing to go rock bottom, chances are you will remain stuck. Either unhappy, unfulfilled or divorced. Sometimes rock bottom is the only way forward.

 

Thank you for sharing.

[Gecko1]

This is great to hear! I’m glad y’all got this second wind and it’s working out better right now. I agree that you should focus on “now” rather than worrying about what may happen, but I know that can be very hard to do.

 

On 11/29/2025 at 9:04 AM, blaigorn said:

Hopefully, the outcome will be us sticking together. Otherwise, I might be at peace knowing that we tried everything.

I think this is key. Whatever happens from now on, at least you know that you both did give it your best effort. So take comfort and try not to stress about the future.