I dont know if i can save my sexual-asexual relationship

[MarcieHere]

(sorry for my english in advance, i am not a native speaker) So im 20 and ive been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and he pretty much knew i was somewhere on the ace spectrum, but he just always assumed he can live without swx. The issue is his problem isnt emotional, he doesnt feel rejected or undesired by not having sex. The issue is his sex drive is like higher then like a common person. Over the whole time we were together he didnt really talk about this issue but he did keep trying to solve it himself, im talking like blocking all his physical needs, buying stuff to relieve himself without having sex for a LOT of money and basically just trying to avoid the sexual need. I never knew about it and i didnt really think this was a problem cuz the thing is i never really knew how sexuals head works, especially somebodys with high libido. I always thought sex was just a want i had no idea it could be a need, so i never really questioned why he didnt ask for sex i just figured he respects me and is the best man in the world. I never really knew where exactly on the ace spectrum i am and i still dont know i keep swinging inbetween demi or grey sometimes also repulsed but idk how to figure it out cuz whatever i do im just not sure. But a few days ago he finally said something about it and he said how he thought he could handle relationship without sex even forever but nothing seems to help and he doesnt know how much longer he can do it, cause when hes holding it in his hormones mess with his head and his head can never be clear like this. It was a bit of a shock for me and we talked about it a lot but cannot find any solutions. The problem is i havent figured myself out yet so i have no idea if im even able to have sex and if yes when or on what circumstances. I want to fix this so bad and im starting to be miserable. I feel like we are gonna break up soon and i dont want to i genuenly love him like i never loved anyone and he loves me like nobody ever could even with all this and all my flaws and i dont want to lose this. Before i met him nothing in life made sense and then he made me so sure about wanting a future and now im not sure about anything and the relationship i thought was so stable and strong is suddenly hanging on a thread. If theres ANYONE who has been in this situation please help me cuz i am losing all hopes.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, MarcieHere said:

The problem is i havent figured myself out yet so i have no idea if im even able to have sex and if yes when or on what circumstances.

Why should you be able to have sex? People who don't want to have sex shouldn't have sex. You shouldn't feel forced to push your boundaries in order to be sure about it.

It's not like I am against aces who have sex, but I am against this pervasive idea that it's normal for aces in relationships to have sex. Someone else's needs are always supposed to be more important than ours. (Yes, I don't just want to be celibate, I require celibacy as a sex-averse person.) Some people can "compromise", but for some it may leave them traumatised for life. I have seen enough such people to see the danger of presenting "compromise" as default solution.

[Artemis42]

Have you two discussed the possibility of an open relationship or any form of non-monogamy? 
Sex isn't necessarily a physical need like for survival, but it can be a need in a relationship for some people and it can be really hard to not have that kind of a connection with a partner for some. You are under no circumstances required to have sex with him though, not for any reason. Your boundaries matter and your comfort is important. 

Many times these kinds of relationships don't work out, and it sucks but you'll be okay no matter what happens as long as you make the decisions that are right for you.  

[MarcieHere]

3 minutes ago, Artemis42 said:

Have you two discussed the possibility of an open relationship or any form of non-monogamy? 

I never did the thing is neither of us wants an open relationship and we are both kind of against it

[MarcieHere]

18 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Why should you be able to have sex? People who don't want to have sex shouldn't have sex. You shouldn't feel forced to push your boundaries in order to be sure about it.

It's not like I am against aces who have sex, but I am against this pervasive idea that it's normal for aces in relationships to have sex. Someone else's needs are always supposed to be more important than ours. (Yes, I don't just want to be celibate, I require celibacy as a sex-averse person.) Some people can "compromise", but for some it may leave them traumatised for life. I have seen enough such people to see the danger of presenting "compromise" as default solution.

I dont want to force myself into anything, but from what ive heared there are asexuals who do have sex for various reasons other than sexual attraction what i want to know is if it even is acomplishable? I am worried about manipulating myself into thinking its what i want and then messing things up even more. Its frustraiting cuz sometimes in all that chaos i am not sure what is a common logic and what is an emotion pushed thought. I feel like maybe i would be able to turn things around and maybe like start slowly and work my way up through this but also like what if i mess things up?

[everywhere and nowhere]

Some asexuals do have sex. Others don't and neither of these groups is more "right". There's nothing shameful about never being open to having sex. You have a right to your own boundaries and shouldn't push them. It's a good thing to reflect on what you are comfortable with and know your boundaries instead of hypothesising where they might be, but you shouldn't assume that it's somehow Better to be a sex-capable asexual. And unfortunately, you seem to have already absorbed this kind of thinking. This is the kind of thinking which very easily results in tacit pressure exerted upon oneself.

I know that it's easier to say for me because I'm not in a relationship and never have, but I'm proud to accept my aversion to sex and nudity and say openly that I actively want never to have sex. I'm writing it just as an example that such an approach is possible, that we don't have to push ourselves into doing things which we aren't comfortable with.

[Windmills of My Mind]

3 hours ago, MarcieHere said:

I dont want to force myself into anything, but from what ive heared there are asexuals who do have sex for various reasons other than sexual attraction what i want to know is if it even is acomplishable?

There is no universal answer to your question. For some people this can be accomplished and they can be fine with it. For others it is absolutely mentally unhealthy. And anywhere in between. No one can determine this for you. If you fear messing things up for yourself, then I'd say steer on the cautious side. Don't do things you feel uncomfortable or unsure about. Also, be mindful for how your partner behaves around this. Is he respectful of you saying no or stop at any point?

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, MarcieHere said:

from what ive heared there are asexuals who do have sex for various reasons other than sexual attraction

what i want to know is if it even is acomplishable?

It might be. You're free to try it in order to find out for yourself.

 

What you may find is that, as far as your partner feels about it, sex with a partner who is having it "for reasons other than sexual attraction" is not sex which is worth wanting.

 

But all of that is moot, if you can't get back together to try it. Or if he knows that that's the only kind of sex he could look forward to you under the best possible circumstances, and if he already knows that kind of sex doesn't do it for him, even if it turns out that you're willing and he understands that you're willing.

 

Anyway,  you won't find out if it's accomplishable unless you try. My guess is that if you were to try it, you'd either find that it's still too objectionable and you want to just stop, or, you find something that you're willing to do but even with willingness you still won't be motivated to act on it, and would only do it if he asks for it, which gets really tedious for both people, because neither one is happy with the frequency.

 

But that's just a guess and I'm just some guy who doesn't know you or your ex partner. But it's a common enough pattern that I feel it's worth it to at least show it to you, knowing that you could discover something different.

 

4 hours ago, MarcieHere said:

I am worried about manipulating myself into thinking its what i want and then messing things up even more.

There is a real risk that exploring this and trying things out will not result in one or the other or both of you wanting to keep doing it.

 

But I wouldn't consider that "messing things up," as long as you communicate and are totally transparent about your intentions, your curiosity, your feelings after trying something new, your feelings over time as they change, and your feelings about your partner and your partnership.

 

It really sounds to me like some of the problems which came up between you two were not problems about sex itself, but problems related to leaving things un-stated, un-discussed, un-revealed. You each had different perceptions of things and weren't aware that that was so. To work through something like this, or really through any kind of relationship difficulty at all, both people have to be capable of making theirself vulnerable and transparent by saying things out loud which are scary and hard to say.

[tezzobuzzy]

I've been with my wife for 40 years. We had a "normal" sex life for decades until menopause, when her desire waned, tho' we still had sex occasionally. After breast cancer ten years ago, she lost any desire she had left, essentially evolving into an asexual woman. I, on the other hand, still have a very active libido and am still very attracted to her. We love each other and have built a secure, good life together, so my solution is simply to masturbate while fantasizing about her as the sexually active person she used to be.

[MarcieHere]

Yeah so we broke up. As much as i hate to say this it was the right thing to do. None of us could just change their sexuality and yall were right. Thanks for the advices anyways i still appreciate yall reaching out and helping. Just thought yall should know you dont have to write any advices anymore.

[Windmills of My Mind]

Thank you for the update. It sounds like it is the right thing to do for both of you, even though it may make you feel sad for now. Hoping you will feel better soon!