It’s the Hope That Kills You

[OnlyAverage]

It’s funny, I’ve been a part of AVEN since 2007 in some form or another and even after eighteen years the dialog around sexual/asexual relationships hasn’t changed much; at least from the perspective of the sexual person. Sure you get the occasional misanthrope or narcissist who complains about their needs not being met without any regard for the well-being of their partner but mostly you get desperate people who are desperately trying to make or save a relationship. 

 

• Asexual relationships and feeling helpless
• Help???
• Feeling hopeless
• I don’t know what to do anymore

 

These are just a few examples from this very forum that show just how desperate people are with their current relationships, and it breaks my heart. Not because of the inherent sadness and hopelessness, but rather each one of these threads starts with hope; a hope that will go forever unfulfilled.

 

You cannot change the nature of an asexual person anymore than you can change the nature of a sexual person, and I should know because I tried to change both my wife and myself for over two decades with no success. In the end what I realized was your sexual identity/orientation, or lack thereof, is a defining part of your personality. It dictates and colors how you view and experience the world, it is a part of what makes you who you are.

 

Hope is often defined in a positive light because we generally hope for better times, better outcomes, and a better life in general. Hope becomes destructive when you hope against things that cannot change—and that is what leads to ruin. Hope is not contentment. Hope is not acceptance. And that's a pretty big thing to discover.

[Darn Dane]

And that's why there's a V and an E in AVEN: The general populace needs to know about these differences and nuances in life, enough so that they see and recognize them before falling in impossible love with someone who're incompatible with themselves, and try and hope in vain for decades.

Most people know there are such things as gays an lesbians, and that it's no good to try and force a relationship with someone for whom oneself just isn't their "cup of tea". But as long as asexuality is seen as "just a phase"/immaturity/"You just haven't met the right one yet" etc. etc., it's an uphill battle to avoid these impossible relationships, and the futile attempts to "make it work" anyway.

[Liara]

Hoping for something impossible is certainly a recipe to disaster. Very hurtful.
But even without hope, it stays painful. I understood rather quickly nothing will ever change with my partner more than 20 years ago. That doesn't mean pain was erased with hope.

[Frameshift07]

It's the being stereotyped as evil and having our lack of sexuality invalidated that kills us. I hate to see so often the ace partner is still coerced into having sex after establishing that they're ace. People shouldn't need several others to tell them, "your partner's ace just as they told you, if they do compromise it'll only be on their own initiative and consent."

[Sally]

6 hours ago, Liara said:

I understood rather quickly nothing will ever change with my partner more than 20 years ago. That doesn't mean pain was erased with hope.

The asexual partner never expected the sexual partner to change.  But that didn't mean pain was erased with that recognition, because the asexual partner always knows that they aren't meeting the sexual's hopes.  

[OnlyAverage]

19 minutes ago, Frameshift07 said:

It's the being stereotyped as evil and having our lack of sexuality invalidated that kills us. I hate to see so often the ace partner is still coerced into having sex after establishing that they're ace. People shouldn't need several others to tell them, "your partner's ace just as they told you, if they do compromise it'll only be on their own initiative and consent."

My wife didn't truly accept being asexual, or even acknowledge the possibility, until just a couple of years ago. It was an endless circle of me trying to change (both physically and behaviorally) in order to make myself desirable to her; a vicious circle if there ever was one. Of course all relationships are different and mine was also influenced by undiagnosed OCD and autism; it's been one helluva journey for us.

[Olallieberry]

This post is likely to become a frequently linked resource, for the reasons OP stated. New SPFA’s come on a weekly basis who cling to the hope and are encouraged to let that go.

 

Let’s not turn this into a contest about which side of the mis-matched relationship has it worse. It’s not a contest and there isn’t anything to win.

[OnlyAverage]

7 hours ago, Liara said:

Hoping for something impossible is certainly a recipe to disaster. Very hurtful.
But even without hope, it stays painful. I understood rather quickly nothing will ever change with my partner more than 20 years ago. That doesn't mean pain was erased with hope.

Pain has been a constant companion of mine for the past 22 years, not always the same but always there. Pain from feeling undesirable, lonely, incomplete, neglected, and finally becoming comfortably numb to the world because it's the only way you can survive.

[Frameshift07]

39 minutes ago, OnlyAverage said:

My wife didn't truly accept being asexual

I wasn't referring to anyone in particular.

 

I know that even in relationships where the ace knows theyre ace, we still get aphobia e.g. "my ace partner won't make an effort to have sex regardless of not wanting it." That's what I'm on about. I think SPFAs should know to recognise aphobia and invalidation in interactions like this, and not just "obvious" types of phobia like "aces don't exist."

[OnlyAverage]

58 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

This post is likely to become a frequently linked resource, for the reasons OP stated. New SPFA’s come on a weekly basis who cling to the hope and are encouraged to let that go.

 

Let’s not turn this into a contest about which side of the mis-matched relationship has it worse. It’s not a contest and there isn’t anything to win.

It's kind of amazing how quickly people are ready to defend their identities and beliefs even when no threat has been made against them. Clearly there is a lot of pain around being accepted for who you are, and honestly I find the defensiveness of the ace/aro (I hope I'm using those terms correctly) community admirable; we need to look out for each others well-being more.

 

Reduce suffering whenever and wherever possible.

[Frameshift07]

2 minutes ago, OnlyAverage said:

honestly I find the defensiveness of the ace/aro (I hope I'm using those terms correctly) community admirable; we need to look out for each others well-being more.

Thank you

[Destranix]

I get your point, but I guess you are wrong.

 

It's not hope causing bad feelings. Hope mirrors desires, hope is the believe, that there is a possible outcome in whiche the desires will be fulfilled. Hope is a dream.

 

Problem here is not hope, but the desire. The desire might be hardly fullfilable or maybe not even fully describeable/seizable, maybe not even imaginable.
Hope does not keep you from realizing that fact, you can know about the fact, that a desire is hardly fulfillable, know that it is unrealistic, and still hope for it to be fullfilled.
It's a silent hope then, one, that might pop up sometimes, help you going on and finding your way, but being not present most of the time.

 

If you don't realise and accept the state of your desires, this is what brings you pain. It's the discrepance/dissonance between your mental state and reality.

Not hope.

Hope will always help you. Hope is the light in the dark.

[OnlyAverage]

7 hours ago, Destranix said:

I get your point, but I guess you are wrong.

 

It's not hope causing bad feelings. Hope mirrors desires, hope is the believe, that there is a possible outcome in whiche the desires will be fulfilled. Hope is a dream.

 

Problem here is not hope, but the desire. The desire might be hardly fullfilable or maybe not even fully describeable/seizable, maybe not even imaginable.
Hope does not keep you from realizing that fact, you can know about the fact, that a desire is hardly fulfillable, know that it is unrealistic, and still hope for it to be fullfilled.
It's a silent hope then, one, that might pop up sometimes, help you going on and finding your way, but being not present most of the time.

 

If you don't realise and accept the state of your desires, this is what brings you pain. It's the discrepance/dissonance between your mental state and reality.

Not hope.

Hope will always help you. Hope is the light in the dark.

I'm responding only to clarify that hope and desire are distinctly different, and my use of 'hope' follows the context below. Further semantic discussion would detract from the thread's purpose.

 

Hope incorporates desire but adds two crucial elements: uncertainty and positive expectation about the future. Hope is wanting something while believing it's possible but not guaranteed. It involves imagining a better future state and maintaining optimism despite obstacles or uncertainty.

Desire can be immediate ("I want that now"), while hope is inherently future-oriented and involves waiting. You can desire impossible things (like turning back time), but hope typically requires at least some perceived possibility of fulfillment.

Pure desire is just the wanting. Hope necessarily involves some sense that events could unfold favorably, whether through your efforts, others' actions, or circumstances aligning.

[MrDane]

Agreed! I hope that she remembers our scheduled agreement for sex this weekend, and I hope this will be a session that she will enjoy (as some are more ‘mehhh?!’ And solely done for my sake and a way to tick off a to-do list)

I am beyond hoping for her to desire me or to be sexually aroused beforehand. I hope she goes to bed on that day, with a warm feeling for me. I hope she does not have to struggle with getting past discomfort before entering a zone of niceness. 

 

I have to, come to terms with some facts. A lot of my basic love language is not hers. I have to remind myself of this. Constantly. I do not blame her, but I think that I am very aware of this. I am not sure she is. 

[Olallieberry]

15 hours ago, Destranix said:

Problem here is not hope, but the desire.

 

 

Hope will always help you. Hope is the light in the dark.

Not a hope that the other partner will come to desire you. A different hope could help, but not that one.

 

And to hell with calling desire a problem. Just imagine the reaction if someone were to say their partner’s lack of desire was “the problem.” That isn’t what this poster has done, and that isn’t what very many at all of the SFPA’s who land here do. Certainly nobody does it in direct response to an asexual who expresses difficulty and/or helpful thoughts regarding a mis-matched relationship, in the rest of the site where the intention is not to carve out space for SPFA’s to express themselves.

 

Maybe you meant it in like a Buddhist attachment kind of a way, in which case that would get a different reaction from me, but that sure wasn’t clear if it was, and as such, I have to push back until clarity is provided. If you see something say something, where “something” in this case looks too much like a double standard to let pass unchallenged.

[Sally]

On 9/25/2025 at 4:30 PM, OnlyAverage said:

and finally becoming comfortably numb to the world because it's the only way you can survive.

It's the only way to survive if you continue to stay in a painful relationship.  

[Destranix]

18 hours ago, OnlyAverage said:

Further semantic discussion would detract from the thread's purpose.

Possibly, yeah. Nevertheless I have to note, that your definition of hope is kinda weird, what though mught be linked to what you define as "impossible" (e.g. I'd rate "turning back time" as very unprobably reachable, but still maybe possible).

 

 

[Destranix]

13 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Not a hope that the other partner will come to desire you.

Sure, even that one. If you are aware, that this is unrealistic and you accept it, so don't base your life on it, then this hope does just resemble a dream of what would be great. On optimum you'd have other hopes most of the time, so this one does not have to help you, but in case you do not have other hopes, this one mi8ght help you going on with your life.

 

13 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

And to hell with calling desire a problem.

Okay, let me rephrase that: Not desire is the problem (though the cause), but how one deals with the desire may be problematic.

 

13 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Maybe you meant it in like a Buddhist attachment kind of a way

No, I guess I just was thinking about hope and trying to understand it. In the process I noticed that desire and hope are not the same, so I separated them during the process, associating desire with negative attribute, what might turn out to be not true.
I can't tell for sure if desire can be a problem, I don't have the capacity now to re-evaluate.

 

 

[Frameshift07]

13 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Just imagine the reaction if someone were to say their partner’s lack of desire was “the problem.”

Don't have to imagine, OP of the first linked post stated "I can’t see any efforts from her end to meet me half way through." I was told personally by OP #2 they deserve an answer for why their partner is ace. OP of link 4 "begged," I.E. pressured their partner into having sex. Judging grom the responses ghese SPFAs got, the reaction to someone saying "the ace partner's lack of desire is the problem" would probably be a gentle sort of "your ace partner won't change, sorry you're going through this."

[uhtred]

At least for me, things got less bad when I gave up hope of my wife ever desiring me.   Its still really miserable, just slightly less miserable.