The love of my life is recently revealed ace and I'm anxious and afraid

[saugasexual]

Hello everyone! 

This is my first post, and I am new to the world of asexuality. Having taken a glance through the forums here, it's great to see the community of understanding built for aces shedding light on so many questions for ace, allo, and the world at large!

 

I have a tendency to ramble, so I've attempted to remedy a tl;dr (edit: it's not a tl;dr 😅) that hits the important parts of the story:
 

My girlfriend (ace) and I (allo) started dating almost four years ago. We connected in a whirlwind few months during which I realized that I wanted to spend my life with her indefinitely. 
At first, the sex was the best I've ever had and I had never felt so fully understood or intimate with someone before. She told me that I was the first person she truly enjoyed sex with, and wholly convinced me that she loved having sex with me.

 

Slowly over time, we stopped having less sex: at first it was because she was getting irritated after we were intimate--we ran the tests and we landed on a pH mismatch and I started a regimen of taking a shower directly before any intimacy. That seemed to solve the issue. Still--as time went on, we continued to have less sex and the reason for her resisting intimacy transitioned into her dysmorphia. She reassured me that it was nothing to do with her attraction for me and that she would still want to be sexually active if it wasn't for her dysmorphia.

 

I tried my best to encourage her work towards resolving her dysmorphia (exercise, diet, medication, etc.) to great success. However, several months ago (after she had worked through some of her dysmorphia and was feeling more positive about herself), she revealed she ultimately felt she was asexual (sexually repulsed) and that she had never really enjoyed our sex and had just been doing it to please me. 

This is combined with (the somewhat tangential point) that she moved out from our shared space into her own apartment about a year ago to focus on herself and her career. She is an artist and (due to my own insecurities and communication issues) also has preferred I don't join her at public events/her career for the last several months. This has reduced the time we spend together (she's now 40m-1hr away), and our capacity to share non-sexual intimacy.  So, in addition to the reality of never being physically intimate again with the person I love the most, I feel locked out from the source of her passions and creativity. I feel like beyond being ace, she may just not love me in the same way? Or perhaps, what I understood as her love was part of an allo charade? At any rate, she continues to reassure me that she loves me and wants to be with me.

We have been exploring an open relationship where I can find intimacy outside of the relationship. I've been trying (I've had one intimate encounter), but I find it hard to give enough myself to other people as I really have no interest/capacity to earnestly participate in a "relationship" outside of my girlfriend that isn't specifically about intimacy. I don't think it's fair to not be completely honest about that with anyone I'd see outside the relationship. So, seeing other people has been difficult for me because I don't think I can offer enough care, and I worry about people feeling more for me than I am comfortable with.

 

I've been struggling because I no longer feel my girlfriend's love in the primary ways I receive it. We spend maybe one night a week in the same bed, we don't really hold hands or kiss anymore. Even something like a massage is too sexual/physical for her. I try to talk to her about this a lot--and I think at this point, it's become a weight on her to hear about it/feel obligated or responsible (even if I don't say that) and contributes to her feeling of her not wanting to be around me/bring me places. I don't want to make her feel that way. I'm stuck in a painful, confusing cycle. I want to do the work to figure out what our life and relationship can look like in the future and move to something sustainable for both of us if it's possible. 
 

I think what is hardest for me at this point is the questioning of our whole past of intimacy. I felt so close to her in many of those moments, and I genuinely don't understand what she was feeling at the same time. Why did she do so much to make me believe that she enjoyed it and that I was special when it was just an act? Was the irritation and the dysmorphia real reasons for not wanting to be intimate, or was it always asexuality that was just unrealized? Is it fair to feel misled, or tricked (even though I know it wasn't her intention)? I feel like I don't know if what I was feeling in some of our most intimate moments was/is legitimate to feel if it's only on my end. 

 

All of this combined with the lack of being able to participate in her passions with her makes me question where and how I'm supposed to feel love in ace relationship? How do you all feel love in your ace relationships? How you feel safe and grounded in their love?

 

Also--allos, how have you learned to receive love from your ace partners? What are some strategies I can employ to provide space and understanding for my girlfriend?

 

Sorry this was so long!!

[kuebrali]

45 minutes ago, saugasexual said:

Çok uzun olduğu için özür dilerim!!

It's not a big deal. I read your entire post. I think your girlfriend is engaging in narcissistic abuse and manipulation. Also, to have a relationship with an asexual person, you need to create spaces where they can relax. Asexuality is an innate instinct. It doesn't make sense for it to suddenly emerge later. I think you should give each other time.

[Liara]

She already lied to you since the beginning, it’s hard to trust her now when she says she still loves you. She doesn’t want to spend time with you or have you with her during public events. I’m not sure it was really connected to asexuality.

Proof of love by action would be more real than only words…

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@saugasexual I'm going to take a positive stance as much as I can for her, giving some benefit of doubt, but it still feels like an incompatibility, whether or not she realized how she feels later.

 

I'm someone who realized I didn't care much for sex later, but I'm very physical, touch is my main love language. If I knew that I couldn't have a physical relationship with my partner, I wouldn't be able to be fulfilled in it. And actually I did let go of a relationship for that reason (we're still friends).

 

It's possible that she only realized how she felt later, and rationalized her past experiences together with her current perspective, maybe she actually did enjoy it at first, or some parts of it. Sometimes people have trouble not seeing their memories through current lens, not that it matters to how things are now. Whether that's the case or not, I get the feeling that negativity around sex grew to the point where she just couldn't stand it anymore. I've seen (and also felt, myself) how much negativity around sex can build up and that can affect intimacy in general, it's hard to feel good with physical intimacy if that negativity is looming, and maybe in some cases being scared that it'll go towards sex. 

 

The only possible way I can see something working out is getting to know how things can feel if sex is completely off the table, if it starts reducing the pressure around intimacy. But maybe she's not just asexual but also on the aromantic spectrum (speculation, not saying it's the case), because I'm not sure how she could feel romantic love but have the current arrangement. I mean, yes someone could want to focus on their career, but for how long? Without a more specific amount of time that you're willing to wait for, you can't be expected to wait for that. And even then the trust is broken a bit in my opinion, I'd have trouble believing it wouldn't just be pushed back once that's over. I think it's important to be able to talk about everything, including know how you both have felt, and feel now, and if having sex off the table would let her feel better enough to spend more time together. I don't think that's unreasonable to look for, to work together on the relationship. If not, I think you should consider what's really worth it to you. You deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with enough compatibility.

[saugasexual]

3 hours ago, kuebrali said:

 It doesn't make sense for it to suddenly emerge later. I think you should give each other time.

Thank you for your reply and for reading the whole post lol! What do you mean by this? Like you can't go from loving sex all of a sudden to being ace? 

[kuebrali]

3 minutes ago, saugasexual said:

Thank you for your reply and for reading the whole post lol! What do you mean by this? Like you can't go from loving sex all of a sudden to being ace? 

Yes, I mean, I haven't observed this kind of situation happening very often.

[saugasexual]

2 hours ago, Liara said:

She already lied to you since the beginning, it’s hard to trust her now when she says she still loves you. She doesn’t want to spend time with you or have you with her during public events. I’m not sure it was really connected to asexuality.

Proof of love by action would be more real than only words…

I've been telling her recently that I need actions and I can only trust her words so much at this point. We've went on a few dates the last few weeks when I'm in her area for work, but I'm still not invited to her public stuff.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

54 minutes ago, kuebrali said:

Yes, I mean, I haven't observed this kind of situation happening very often.

It actually happens a decent amount. Plenty only realize it later, including because asexuality isn't well known (For a lot it's seen as something they 'should' do as normal, and think really liking it or frequently is exaggerated by society.). There's different experiences for what the 'enjoyment' is, depending on someone's sexual attitude. For some it's the newness of it. For others it's the intimacy they like but they might come to see later they didn't care for the sex itself. Stuff like that.

 

[Aced H]

Maybe the sex is just shit and she doesn't want to say it lol I mean .. having ph issues because my partner doesn't shower before sex would put me in a bad mood and not want to do it too if I was allo tbh. The way you word it and your lack of effort just kinda suggest to me that maybe you aren't THAT much into the sex so uh feel free to browse these forums 

[Frameshift07]

Now I'm curious to hear her side of the story.

[Olallieberry]

8 hours ago, saugasexual said:

I don't think it's fair to not be completely honest about that with anyone I'd see outside the relationship

No, of course it's not. But one can still find sexual partners while being honest about it.

 

But it also sounds like the open-relationship experiment just isn't working for you at all. That's valid.

 

And besides all of this, this person has been actively pushing you out of her LIFE for at least a year. Moving out, excluding you from her social and professional life... It's almost like the sex isn't even the biggest issue in this relationship.

 

You don't need to know how to receive love from an ace, you're asking how to receive love from someone who sounds like she says she loves you but acts like she doesn't really have the brass to just admit that she doesn't.

 

 

[saugasexual]

6 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

@saugasexual I'm going to take a positive stance as much as I can for her, giving some benefit of doubt, but it still feels like an incompatibility, whether or not she realized how she feels later.

 

I'm someone who realized I didn't care much for sex later, but I'm very physical, touch is my main love language. If I knew that I couldn't have a physical relationship with my partner, I wouldn't be able to be fulfilled in it. And actually I did let go of a relationship for that reason (we're still friends).

 

It's possible that she only realized how she felt later, and rationalized her past experiences together with her current perspective, maybe she actually did enjoy it at first, or some parts of it. Sometimes people have trouble not seeing their memories through current lens, not that it matters to how things are now. Whether that's the case or not, I get the feeling that negativity around sex grew to the point where she just couldn't stand it anymore. I've seen (and also felt, myself) how much negativity around sex can build up and that can affect intimacy in general, it's hard to feel good with physical intimacy if that negativity is looming, and maybe in some cases being scared that it'll go towards sex. 

 

The only possible way I can see something working out is getting to know how things can feel if sex is completely off the table, if it starts reducing the pressure around intimacy. But maybe she's not just asexual but also on the aromantic spectrum (speculation, not saying it's the case), because I'm not sure how she could feel romantic love but have the current arrangement. I mean, yes someone could want to focus on their career, but for how long? Without a more specific amount of time that you're willing to wait for, you can't be expected to wait for that. And even then the trust is broken a bit in my opinion, I'd have trouble believing it wouldn't just be pushed back once that's over. I think it's important to be able to talk about everything, including know how you both have felt, and feel now, and if having sex off the table would let her feel better enough to spend more time together. I don't think that's unreasonable to look for, to work together on the relationship. If not, I think you should consider what's really worth it to you. You deserve to have a fulfilling relationship with enough compatibility.

Thanks--I appreciate your thoughtfulness! Perhaps it's a case of seeing her memories through a different lens now, and it do think it was just a build-up of negativity around it. Without her being ace, I was more confused as to why sex started to seem like a chore for her and definitely brought it up more than I'd care to admit as I couldn't help but link it to my self-worth/attractiveness, etc. 

 

To clarify, sex has been completely off of the table for the last six months ish--she's already told me most likely we will never have sex again. She is also exploring newly asexuality as well. This is early days for both of us, but she's self-identified as a "romantic asexual". 

 

But in seriousness, we are supposed to move back in next May, but I know deep down that this plan is secondary to any changes in her career. If something bigger came up with her work (as it often does), it could very well be pushed back and that's a cause of anxiety for me for sure. I also worry about being caught in the "wait and see" loop for too long as well. I think she's open to having the difficult conversation about ways I can be part of her public life again, so hopefully I'll have a little more clarity about that soon.

[saugasexual]

4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It actually happens a decent amount. Plenty only realize it later, including because asexuality isn't well known (For a lot it's seen as something they 'should' do as normal, and think really liking it or frequently is exaggerated by society.). There's different experiences for what the 'enjoyment' is, depending on someone's sexual attitude. For some it's the newness of it. For others it's the intimacy they like but they might come to see later they didn't care for the sex itself. Stuff like that.

 

I should also say that this has been a pattern in her earlier relationships. When we started talking, she hadn't had sex in almost two years (but was feeling reinvigorated with me) and I've also learned that this has been a factor in her relationships before her last one as well. Sometimes I feel like she may use performative sex at the beginning of a relationship "because she wanted to be perfect for me/she wanted me to commit" (as she put it to me). At one point, admittedly I did accuse her of love-bombing, but that conversation ended with her and a mutual friend telling me that I didn't know what love-bombing was, and that I was the one who actually love-bombed her. I suppose I can understand that with all of the emotional baggage I dump on her--it is different that how we started.

[Liara]

She wanted to be perfect with you at the beginning and now, she doesn’t want to live with you anymore and to be with you at public events?

Really?

[CassIsSarcastic]

1 hour ago, Frameshift07 said:

Now I'm curious to hear her side of the story.

That’s what I’m thinking. Alarm bells are going off the way this story is written.
 

If you read between the lines it sounds like she realized that she is asexual, they discussed it. She is STILL being pressured for sex despite letting her partner open up the relationship, and it’s supposed to be her fault for needing space?? I’d need space from abuse too. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 hour ago, saugasexual said:

I should also say that this has been a pattern in her earlier relationships. When we started talking, she hadn't had sex in almost two years (but was feeling reinvigorated with me) and I've also learned that this has been a factor in her relationships before her last one as well. Sometimes I feel like she may use performative sex at the beginning of a relationship "because she wanted to be perfect for me/she wanted me to commit" (as she put it to me). At one point, admittedly I did accuse her of love-bombing, but that conversation ended with her and a mutual friend telling me that I didn't know what love-bombing was, and that I was the one who actually love-bombed her. I suppose I can understand that with all of the emotional baggage I dump on her--it is different that how we started.

That's possible. But I've also heard of that pattern from some other asexuals, maybe especially graysexuals like me, but still some asexuals too, and it's not as simple as saying someone faked it. There's an entire society giving the message that it's normal to have and want sex, and that sex is the ultimate intimacy, etc, etc. It affects how someone thinks of things.

[saugasexual]

1 hour ago, CassIsSarcastic said:

That’s what I’m thinking. Alarm bells are going off the way this story is written.
 

If you read between the lines it sounds like she realized that she is asexual, they discussed it. She is STILL being pressured for sex despite letting her partner open up the relationship, and it’s supposed to be her fault for needing space?? I’d need space from abuse too. 

Thanks for your response! I'm a little confused--when did I say I'm still pressuring her for sex? Since she's come out as asexual, I haven't pressured her for sex. Do you think it's fair to ask to explore more about her asexuality as we're in a relationship? Questions like if she's repulsed, aromantic or not, what other types of intimacy we could pursue. I do understand how that can feel like pressure--does that mean I shouldn't ask or try to discuss this with her?

 

I thought I was also careful to not try putting the blame on her per my original questions:

Quote

All of this combined with the lack of being able to participate in her passions with her makes me question where and how I'm supposed to feel love in ace relationship? How do you all feel love in your ace relationships? How you feel safe and grounded in their love?

If you're referring to this: 

 

Quote

I try to talk to her about this a lot--and I think at this point, it's become a weight on her to hear about it/feel obligated or responsible (even if I don't say that) and contributes to her feeling of her not wanting to be around me/bring me places.

The "this" in the context is that I bring up to her is that I feel a mismatch in how I'm receiving love and how she's expressing it. I read some other posts about learning how to appreciate more other types of intimacy in relationships (which is why I brought up the public events), and was wondering if there are strategies you all have used to do that.

[saugasexual]

2 hours ago, Liara said:

She wanted to be perfect with you at the beginning and now, she doesn’t want to live with you anymore and to be with you at public events?

Really?

Yes, all of these are true. For clarity, she moved from out in the suburbs to the city way closer to most of her events. She's also has been living with contact OCD and doesn't like anyone in her space atm. We've talked about whether living apart is a phase or something more concrete, and I do think this can happen in long-term relationships. Though, I'm getting the feeling that you're seeing this less as an ebb-and-flow, and more like a fundamental incompatibility? 

[Sally]

9 hours ago, saugasexual said:

Do you think it's fair to ask to explore more about her asexuality as we're in a relationship?

I'm wondering if she actually feels that you are in a relationship.  

[saugasexual]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

I'm wondering if she actually feels that you are in a relationship.  

No offense, but you really think that I'd take the time to write a huge novel and ask for help on a public forum about someone who doesn't feel like they're in a relationship with me? If we weren't in a relationship then problem solved 😂✅ why would I be here?

[Liara]

She doesn't exactly act like you are in a relationship with her, tbh. That's... weird.

[OnlyAverage]

What do actual conversations about this with your girlfriend look like? I can't really get a sense of the relationship dynamic from your posts so far.

 

How does she respond to these questions:

 

About the relationship vision:

• "When you imagine our ideal relationship, what does that look like day-to-day? What would make you feel most loved and secure?"
• "What aspects of our relationship are most important to you? What makes you feel connected to me?"
• "How do you see us navigating physical affection going forward? Are there non-sexual forms of touch that feel comfortable for you?"

About communication and understanding:

• "When I talk about my needs around intimacy, how does that make you feel? Is there a way I could communicate that would feel less heavy for you?"
• "What would help you feel safe telling me when something doesn't work for you, without worrying about hurting me?"
• "Looking back, were there signs or moments when you felt uncomfortable that I missed? How can I be more attuned to your needs?"

About the relationship structure:

• "What made you feel you needed your own space? What has that change meant for you?"
• "When you say you don't want me at your art events, what's behind that? Is it about needing professional independence, or is there something about us that feels incompatible with that part of your life?"
• "How do you feel about the open relationship arrangement? Is it something you genuinely support, or does it feel like a compromise you're making?"

About moving forward:

• "What would need to change for you to feel excited about spending more time together?"
• "If physical intimacy is off the table, what other ways can we build closeness that work for both of us?"
• "Do you see us as compatible long-term, knowing what we both need? What would make this sustainable for you?"

I'm in no way trying to be antagonistic but everything you've said so far feels very colored by your perspective, it's impossible to help without more context from her perspective.

[Ceebs]

9 hours ago, saugasexual said:

No offense, but you really think that I'd take the time to write a huge novel and ask for help on a public forum about someone who doesn't feel like they're in a relationship with me? If we weren't in a relationship then problem solved 😂✅ why would I be here?

Eh, to be fair, people can have feelings they're not sharing when it comes to that sort of thing. They can be in a relationship in the sense of verbally acknowledging that they are, but still not really mentally/emotionally feeling it or actually behaving like they're in a relationship. I've been there myself in the past, on several sides of the equation. So I think Sally's question is reasonable and I agree with everything Liara has said.

 

I'm another one intrigued by what your girlfriend's perspective is, what she's getting from the relationship and what she wants, because obviously she has one but it's mostly absent from what you've shared here. You two need to be having some really honest conversations, even if they're difficult and uncomfortable. Because just reading what you've written, I can't imagine anyone thinking this is a relationship that's fulfilling and worth hanging onto for either one of you.

[nanogretchen4]

I don't think your girlfriend wants the same kind of relationship with you that you want with her. She never reciprocated your feelings of sexual attraction and desire. Whether she had or has romantic feelings for you is not entirely clear. She may be avoiding nonsexual affection because she associates it with constant reminders that you want sex whereas she is sex repulsed.

 

The other issue is that she wants and needs space and time to focus on her career. Apparently she works mainly at home. You do not mention what you do for a living and whether you also work at home. A lot of people leave their home for forty or more hours a week. During this time they are not with their partners and are in a space focused on work. If they have a professional career they likely have to work more than forty hours a week or bring work home that keeps them busy evenings and weekends. Very few people have limitless time to spend talking to their partners about their partner's feelings during the workday.

 

Does your girlfriend show up in your workplace wanting to process your relationship during the workday? Does she insert herself into important business meetings?

 

If you want to know what may be sustainable for your girlfriend, accept that she made the decision to move out a year ago. What might be sustainable for her is to have separate living spaces and go on dates when her schedule allows. However, it sounds like you want a totally different type of relationship. Probably neither of you will enjoy what time you do spend together if you spend that time trying to make the relationship into something it is not.

[MrDane]

I think, you should try to define what a relationship is to yourself and then tell her. I get the need for private space and no more excitement about sex. But at some point you guys need to adress the labels and the expectations.

 

I have thought about this: my ace-wife snores, but I would rather sleep next to her, than sleep in another room. If it were the other way round, she would easily choose to shift to another quiter room, and then I would miss her and feel bad about being excluded.

[Ceebs]

18 hours ago, MrDane said:

I have thought about this: my ace-wife snores, but I would rather sleep next to her, than sleep in another room. If it were the other way round, she would easily choose to shift to another quiter room, and then I would miss her and feel bad about being excluded.

Slight derail perhaps haha, but I know that feeling. No aceness in the mix in my second marriage, but my husband is a snorer. If I happen to be asleep already it doesn't wake me, but I almost always go to bed many hours after he does, so lying there trying to fall asleep with the snoring is... less than ideal. 😂 But I want to stay there, his presence is comforting and when I get into bed he stirs a little and snuggles up to me and I like that. Most of the time I end up falling asleep eventually unless I wasn't really very tired in the first place, and often a little poke with my foot will fix the issue temporarily at least, but occasionally I'll go on the sofa. Or he will. 
 

But yeah, I get that. Wanting to be close more than you want to escape the snoring.

 

Derail over. 😅

[Philip027]

Honestly, it sounds like she just really isn't into you the same way you are into her.  She knows that and is trying to create distance.

 

This isn't really an "ace relationship" issue.  I wouldn't be treating someone I love the way she has with you.  I would never be trying to exclude my partner from basically anything about my life; I would *want* them to be there, because they make everything better.

 

On 9/26/2025 at 11:33 AM, MrDane said:

I have thought about this: my ace-wife snores, but I would rather sleep next to her, than sleep in another room. If it were the other way round, she would easily choose to shift to another quiter room, and then I would miss her and feel bad about being excluded.

Unless either prodding or earplugs were enough to get around the issue, I would not be able to sleep next to someone who snores.  Whether or not I would like to is besides the point.  Too noise sensitive for that, and I'm pretty sure my dad's snoring (from rooms away, so not even like the same room/bed or anything) was one of my primary sources of restlessness and nightmares as a kid.