I think I'm in love and I hate this feeling

[athena234]

I'm 21F. I've never been in a relationship before, never even had butterflies or any of the stereotypical "romantic" or "sexual" feelings, at least as far as I know from the way it's been described to me. Still, I like companionship, and I care deeply for my friends and family. I met a guy through a video game we both play, and through growing conversations, we realized that we happened to live really close to each other. I met him in person 3 weeks ago. We have so much in common, and we are both very communicative, which is something I love and really appreciate. But when I'm not with him, I've had this constant, sinking feeling in my stomach and chest that I absolutely hate. I start worrying and work myself up if he takes a little too long to answer my messages, and I know that it's not rational, or even healthy really. I'm not sure if this is infatuation, or obsession, or if this is really what love feels like. He's so sweet and respectful, and I love the way I feel around him, and I love his company. But I feel like I'm becoming too dependent on it. I'm not sure if it's just inexperience, or maybe I'm self-sabotaging and I just need to give it time. I just...hate this feeling. I don't want to be in love if this is what it feels like.

[uhtred]

These sorts of feelings are difficult to deal with, especially the first time. The other person becomes so important to you that you can't stand the idea of losing them - and what should be fun turns into constant stress.

 

The way I think about it: If he is worth your love, then he will feel the same way about you, will respond, will not disappear.  If he doesn't do those things then he isn't who you wished / hoped he would be so you are not really losing anything. 

[athena234]

34 minutes ago, uhtred said:

These sorts of feelings are difficult to deal with, especially the first time. The other person becomes so important to you that you can't stand the idea of losing them - and what should be fun turns into constant stress.

 

The way I think about it: If he is worth your love, then he will feel the same way about you, will respond, will not disappear.  If he doesn't do those things then he isn't who you wished / hoped he would be so you are not really losing anything. 

Yeah, that's fair. I can get behind that mindset.

[Lady Saturnina]

Hey there. I understand how you feel, as I had similar experiences with my first boyfriend (I was about 20 or 21 at the time; I'm 31 now). Being in a budding relationship for the first time is exciting, sometimes that translates to having some anxiety about the relationship. Don't worry, it won't be like this forever. If it's meant to be, it will be. If you and this guy continue to see each other and get closer, you'll begin to feel less anxious and more secure in the relationship. Remember that true love grows and develops gradually over time.

[Eutierria]

3 hours ago, athena234 said:

when I'm not with him, I've had this constant, sinking feeling in my stomach and chest that I absolutely hate. I start worrying and work myself up if he takes a little too long to answer my messages, and I know that it's not rational, or even healthy really. I'm not sure if this is infatuation, or obsession

Limerence - look up the term, see if that fits. 

 

3 hours ago, athena234 said:

He's so sweet and respectful, and I love the way I feel around him, and I love his company. But I feel like I'm becoming too dependent on it.

I don't have enough context to know which/either applies

a) Enjoy it, the intensity will ease eventually. 

b) Sometimes our intuition picks up on stuff that doesn't match what we're presented with - pay attention to that. 

 

Attachment Theory - read up on each of your attachment styles. That should give you some idea of what's happening & why you're feeling like this. 

[Jade Cross Lord Of Toys]

I dont want to be the downer or bearer of bad news, but before going off daydreaming a life together with a crush, be very careful that the person you have developed (or are developing) feelings for is actually the person and not a fantasy of the idea of the person, which is something extremely difficult to do, especially with first time crushes

 

This also applies to thinking about "true love conquers all". Be careful,as it is pretty customary for "wow congratz" and "youre so lucky" to be tossed around by folks, feeding an ilusion that may end up not being there in the long run and being that much more devastating when it doeant come to pass

[Xaver]

I had my first proper experience with love this summer, and this was exactly it. Felt like I was drunk and the guy was the ale. Felt good to be around him, felt bad when he wasn't there, and I could tell I had a hard time thinking logically. An emotional addicton to a person.

 

It was very annoying because I wanted to properly assess if I should push the relationship forward or not, but the feeling prevented me from seeing him truthfully. In the end I pulled away, and in hindsight it was the right decsision for me. But keep in mind I have a ton of social anxiety and no experience, so I don't know how a healthy relationship continues from that point, if that's the path one takes.

 

My takeaway from this single experience is that romantic attraction is awesome if it goes both ways and is healthy... and is really, really, REALLY annoying when it's not and you just kinda sit there waiting for the craving to pass.

[Guest]

Um.. you're 21 so I guess it's okay to be naive at this age. But be careful out there, absolutely. Some 21 year olds are very experienced already and could do some bad shit to an innocent and well meaning partner. What you're describing sounds to me like infatuation or a crush mixed up with a mental disorder like GAD or OCD so try to check that out if you can ... it's nbd to have an anxiety disorder nowadays (it's probably more common than not having one) but yeah maybe that could help you navigate the good part of the feelings of having a crush