Father of an asexual teen

[jdotgeoff]

Hello, I am the father of an asexual 15 year-old. I’ve always been a safe space for LGBTQ+ as a father, teacher, brother, and friend.I also consider myself extremely liberal. 
 

That being said, I was a little surprised to hear my daughter tell me she was asexual and not interested in sexual relationships at all. As a heterosexual man, it was hard for me to wrap my head around and truly understand what she had discovered about herself.

 

One of my first thoughts, I am ashamed to say, is it made me wonder if that meant I would never see her come to be a mother, and I myself would never get to be a grandfather. Selfish, I know. And my understanding is those things may still be possible. But I was clearly thinking of myself when those were some of my initial thoughts that I kept to myself.
 

Clearly, asexual folks can live happy lives with or without partners. I worry about my daughter being alone in the future. Especially a future once I’m gone. As parents get older, the most important thing to us is that our kids are safe, happy, and fulfilled. I’m the only family she’s got, no mother in the picture and no siblings. So once I’m gone, it would make me feel better about her being on her own if she had a partner and a family.

 

what is most important to me right now is that I don’t mess this up. That she feels loved and supported. That our strong bond we have always remains intact. I’m worried I’m going to screw something up. I used to talk to her a lot about being excited to be a grandfather someday, and so I have ceased having that conversation. I also started reading “ace” by Angela Chen. 
 

I typically feel like I am good at putting myself in other people shoes, but I am really struggling to understand asexuality, and what kind of life she might have. I won’t lie, it kind of broke my heart a little when she said something along the lines of, “Dad, I am well aware of how much harder this is going to make relationships for me”

 

what should I be doing for my daughter that I love so much? What should I be talking about, and what should I not be talking about? How can I support her and celebrate her?

 

I feel a little lost, any advice would be much appreciated.

[BeADreamer]

You sound like an awesome dad! I think the best you can do is listen to her when she has something to say. When in doubt, just listen. You will never truly understand asexuality because you aren't asexual yourself, and that's okay. She may never understand allosexuality, because she isn't herself (although asexuality is a spectrum and some people might experience a degree of sexual attraction with it still being way less than average). The best thing my mom finally said to me when she had been struggling to understand and accept my asexuality was, "I support you no matter what you decide for your life, whether you want to get married or not."

 

Clearly you love your daughter and want what's best for her. It seems like the only model that you know of to achieve that is getting married and having a family. There's nothing wrong with that, but it might help set your mind at ease to look into other, albeit less common, ways that people get their needs for love and support filled. Although if she is not also aromantic, and it sounds like she probably isn't since she's talking about how her asexuality will affect her (I assume) romantic relationships, it sounds like she does want to find someone to love and support her in a romantic way, which means that maybe she will get married someday, and maybe she will want kids someday. However, instead of projecting what you want for your daughter onto her, which it sounds like you're already making effort to avoid, ask her what kind of life she wants for her future that she would find fulfilling. Maybe it is a traditional marriage + family, or maybe it's something along the lines of a QPR (that's worth looking into to become aware of other options), or maybe she has some really close friends that she stays in touch with and visits regularly and that's all she needs.

 

On the asexual/aromantic side of things, I thought I wanted a romantic partner for the longest time because I thought that was the only way to get enough connection for me not to feel touch-starved and lonely. And I did have one for a while. But years before I met him, I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that the academic fraternity I joined in college fulfilled me in the way that I had been craving, that I previously thought could only be met with a romantic relationship. I had a group of friends that I saw all the time, and we hugged a lot, and we were there for each other, and I did not feel touch-starved or lonely as long as I had them.

[Mult]

Whatever you do, don't tell her that it's "just a phase" or "you'll change your mind" or "but what if you fall in love" or "but what about babies" etc etc etc. If things change, that's fine, but never put expectations on her like that because you will just come across as overbearing, patronizing and even annoying. Personally I've heard everything inside and outside the Ace community as someone who is neither sexual nor romantic and who doesn't like kids. Still single, sexless and childless in my late 20s.

 

As a woman, I feel like people who bring up these topics are attributing my value as a person to being a brood mare. It feels genuinely horrible when people inquire about boyfriends, babies or try to set me up with someone, even worse if they start prattling on about my "biological clock". I'd rather people support and celebrate me as a person rather than the man that could potentially be "lucky to have me". I hate feeling like some object rather than a person.

 

If your daughter has any interest at all in having kids, you shouldn't push that onto her because honestly it just might sour her from even considering options without a sexual partner. I had a highschool teacher who was single but with two children through a sperm donor because she wanted to have kids but didn't want to be in a relationship. I don't know what her sexuality was, but that's not important. Just be open if you daughter brings the topic up herself. There's also adoption however I believe it is difficult to adopt as a single parent and fostering can be strict as well—it depends on where you live.

 

Couples can be perfectly happy without kids as well, and even if she was a sexual person with plans to have kids, it may not work out anyway. My cousins wanted a baby but after a miscarriage, they discovered that the guy has fertility problems and even IVF was unsuccessful. Point is, sometimes having biological children doesn't work out for straight cis couples either. 

 

So focus on her. Be there if she needs to vent about her troubles finding a partner who accepts her and is compatible with her sexuality.

 

If she's open to finding someone through real life connections, that's alright too. My parents met through a sister in law and wife of a childhood friend who set them up on a blind date. My parents aren't Asexual, but you could keep an ear out for any of your friends and acquaintances who have kids who aren't sexual either. It's rare but not impossible. It's not something people are usually open about unfortunately, and you shouldn't tell people what your daughter's sexuality is if she's not open to them knowing about it (you'd have to ask her). She is young, so she might need time to figure things out before she's "out of the closet".

 

I guess just let her lead her life and support her decisions whatever that may be.

[Peaseblossom o7]

I can say that when I told my parents I was autistic, they went out and educated themselves on autism. that was pretty rad

 

 

I haven't told my family that I'm ace, because I don't want to bother. So I'm glad your teen trusted you enough to tell you. That really means a lot. I would say, make sure you're listening when talking to her. be ready to update any assumptions you have to match her experience.

 

If you don't already know, ask her what cake she likes, and get her one  maybe have the ace flag colors on it

 

[daveb]

Hello, dad.

 

What can you do? Keep being a safe space. Really listen to her. Educate yourself. Understand that everyone is an individual, and we are all different. And being asexual isn't a problem or an issue to be fixed or mourned or worried about. Best wishes and  to you and your daughter!  

[thylacine]

Your kid is so lucky to have a father like you.  My father would have killed me if I told him.  Well, maybe not literally, but anyway...

[L0Lilac]

First of all, don't skip The Talk. Even though she's asexual, her friends might not be and might ask her for advice. Second, if you want to know how to best support her, just ask her yourself. Also, make sure to ask her about her pronouns and gender. Hope this helps!

[Philip027]

I think you're doing fine.  The fact that she's disclosed to you what she has is already a good sign.

 

It's normal (and pretty typical) to lament a future you envisioned not coming to pass because your kid has different desires and values than you do.  You shouldn't kick yourself over these thoughts; there's a reason we don't try to police each other over our thoughts (taking aside the fact we are not mind readers).  They are not controllable, and aren't always rational.  It's what we say/do in response to those thoughts that matters.  It only becomes not okay once you start projecting those things onto your kid or faulting them in some way for it, which you seem aware of.

 

About all I could suggest would be to make an apology for any undue pressure you may have put on her before.  Even if you don't feel like you have, or even if she never actually felt pressured, she would likely appreciate the gesture and it would help foster the safe space you're trying to make available to her.

[kuebrali]

Asexuality is a very normal thing. You don't need to be afraid.

[Destranix]

I doubt you can do more more or else than you are doing already. I'd recommend talking to your daughter if you want to somehow ask if there is something you can help with (whyever) or something to support her with.

[aceofhearts4]

Everyone else has pretty much covered everything. Just make sure she keeps feeling like it's safe to tell you things.

[jdotgeoff]

Thanks for all the feedback! It is much appreciated. 

[LeChat]

@jdotgeoff Hi. Welcome! 

 

 That sounds nice that you're looking to learn more about asexuality, to support your daughter.

 

If it helps, here is AVEN's "Frequently Asked Questions for Family and Friends" and another site's guide for parents.

 

FAQ for Family & Friends | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org

 

A Parent’s Guide to Asexuality - What Is Asexuality

[Allomom]

Hi dad 

I’m a mom in the same boat, I learn about this two weeks ago and my 15 years old son educated me about aroace. I must admit it was a brand new thing for me . And I used to teach sexual diversity at university lol there is a lot to do to give visibility to asexual and a romantic (my son identifies as both ). Nevertheless the first night I had the same fears, will he be happy? Will be a lonely person older?

 

everything is coming together the more I read and educate myself. I’m also co parenting in separated bedrooms and now wondering if the issues in my marriage are because I’m also married to an aroace man?

 

Just wanted to say hi and appreciate this community. I’m very proud of my son and all the people in this community making a space for this. Thanks dad to open this thread and all the amazing people responding, gave me a lot of warm in my heart. As parents we just want to give you reassurance and love and we don’t know if we are doing it ok.

 

My son says he appreciated my openness … and actually was so special, we were on a hike and he just said “is obvious I’m not straight right?” And I said not really, so do you like guys ? People? 
and he said neither mom, I’m asexual and aromantic, and is not like a big thing to say … this is just natural … and just the fact that he never felt like getting out of a closet makes me happy .

we have been talking a lot, he shared the video that helped him realize and find a name and I’ve been educating myself, even found a name for me … now I know I’m allosexual and alloromantic , we were joking yesterday and I said I’ll find my equivalent to aroace , does allroallce exist? He was just laughing with me.

 

thanks