Help???

[Windmills of My Mind]

5 hours ago, Canucker said:

Im not trying to force her to do any at all. I never have and never would. I have accepted we are never going to be sexual ever again. 

I applaude you for acknowledging and accepting this. It is a hard pill to swallow. I feel your pain.

 

5 hours ago, Canucker said:

But for her to not think of my happiness and wants and needs

Do you know for sure she does not think of your happiness, wants and needs? Just checking if this is a fact, or if the things she says and does make you feel that way. 

 

5 hours ago, Canucker said:

and say basically it's my way or the highway doesn't show me she truly cares about my feelings then.

Have you told her this? Not in an accusing or judgemental way. Just in a factual way, then adding how it makes you feel. Don't make that accusatory. Just state what you see, what you hear, and how that makes you feel.

 

 

5 hours ago, Canucker said:

I have brought up ENM and she doesnt like it or is comfortable with that, so thats what im left with, is accepting celibacy but also trying to be happy with that and heal and move on. I just dont know how im supposed to be able to do that. 

If you cannot be happy with that, and everything you state in this and your other thread seem to me to point that way, do you really think it is wise to try to "heal and move on"? Nobody but you can make you do that. You are making a choice here. It may feel she forces this upon it, but taking the route of "heal and move on" is ultimately your choice. You can also make other choices. Remaining celibate for the rest of your life sounds quite detrimental to your happiness and mental health. And I feel your pain. Don't make yourself go through with that. In the end you and you alone are responsible for the choices you have in life. This is no dress rehearsal. You've only got one shot at this life. You have options. If you choose wisely. And do not blame others for the consequences of your choices.

 

If her game truly is hardballing "my way or the highway" upon you, you are totally entitled to answer in "my way or the highway" style. You do not have to accept a life of celibacy. You do not expect her to fix this for you, but you will not remain celibate for the rest of your life just because ENM makes her feel uncomfortable. You may search and find other ways to fill this gap in your life. If "my way or the highway" truly is how she rolls, it may be the only way to make yourself heard. No need repeating it. Repeating would be more like a threat or ultimatum. It is better brought as a single factual statement. It helps if you feel prepared to act upon it. External support, e.g. good therapist, can be helpful.

 

Choose wisely.

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Is your spouse on the same page as far as knowing you should end the marriage but not feeling like you can move forward right now for logistical reasons? If so, maybe you can communicate about a timeline, and what steps you are going to take so that you will both be prepared for life after the divorce. Doubtless there are a lot of decisions and arrangements to be made about about money, living arrangements, and shared custody. Perhaps it will be helpful just to be honest with each other about not truly wanting to have a marriage with each other any more. Then you can stop trying to save the marriage and focus on working productively together. Hopefully the love and care you still feel can be channeled into a respectful friendship and a great coparenting relationship.

My wife and I pretty much did a Lite version of this. Our situation didn't end in divorce but since nobody was hiding the truth about what could happen here if we couldn't find a solution, and since we're both capable of not taking things personally or getting triggered by scary conversations, and since neither of us was fettered by shame, we did look unflinchingly at what separation could look like. We agreed that we could, if it came to it, separate amicably and continue to co-parent effectively.

 

Well, it didn't come to it. But being clear-eyed about things was very positive. If anything, it made all the other discussions less scary because there wasn't some imaginary worst-case scenario which was too scary to even look at looming. Not looking at things makes them much scarier, and keeps people stuck - even when it doesn't turn out that they have to go in the scary direction after all. It still keeps you stuck.

 

It's a very delicate thing, though. To have these discussions without someone perceiving it as threatening or manipulative is not easy. In fact, it might be impossible - you can act with honorable intentions, and it is not dishonorable to simply bring up the topic so that it can be looked at and considered, mutually, but, you cannot regulate someone else's reaction for them, and, there is a type of person who cannot be asked to discuss this at a hypothetical level without leaping to the conclusion that that's what the other person in fact wants and they're in fact making an ultimatum.

 

But, you know, sometimes that's a "them" problem and not a "you" problem, as long as one can sleep at night secure in their own good-faith intentions to simply investigate options and leave no stone un-turned on the path to a solution nobody can yet anticipate.

 

That's what happened to me.

[Karret]

13 hours ago, Liara said:

Of course, oxytocin released for instance is certainly a part of the answer. But I don't think there is only that. There is something strong to share a such intimate moment with someone else (even more if you love them, obviously). To give them pleasure and receive it from them, to share that part of you with them and only them. To feel desired and wanted that way by them. Nothing else can give that. I know absolutely no other way to show love like that.
And understanding your partner can't feel that and can't understand that is heartbreaking.

Hummm. I see. :Va 

[Karret]

11 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

It doesn’t. In fact, it has already been said that this isn't about OP showing love to his partner, and needing to do that in a sexual way. It's about his partner showing love to OP, and it has already been said that OP does not expect that to be in a sexual form at all.

 

We’re talking about a situation where the partner is not showing love back. In @Canucker’s situation we’re seeing described, the sex is absent and he accepts that, and something even more important is what’s missing: The partner shows no empathy and no willingness to work together to discover whether there’s a way for this to be any better than it is. That is not a sex problem, that is a communication problem and I argue that it’s a love problem and I certainly perceive it as a trust problem.

 

So, it doesn’t have to be sex. But love does have to be shown, and it has to go both ways.

That's completely fair. :V

[lovetolove]

On 9/5/2025 at 3:04 PM, Frameshift07 said:

You're right. I never did, just that what you sent didn't suggest it. But also;

 

To why your partner is ace? No, you don't. We're ace as you are allo. We don't owe you an answer. We have the right to exist as you do. Are we meant to apologise for existing and sometimes being inconvenient to allosexuals? The answer is also no. Let me repeat myself, your partner isn't any more broken than you for being how they are.

Fair enough not being owed an answer or explanation or basically any kind of communication if the OP had entered the relationship fully aware of all the facts. But this isn't what @Canucker signed up for, and would probably have made different decisions and choices had he known. Often, the asexual partner doesn't know or isn't aware of their asexuality when they entered the marriage, but that doesn't mean that once it all comes out that the sexual partner should just have to accept this life changing situation without further discussion, without support and without consideration and empathy from the asexual partner. 

[Frameshift07]

1 hour ago, lovetolove said:

Fair enough not being owed an answer or explanation or basically any kind of communication if the OP had entered the relationship fully aware of all the facts. But this isn't what @Canucker signed up for, and would probably have made different decisions and choices had he known. Often, the asexual partner doesn't know or isn't aware of their asexuality when they entered the marriage, but that doesn't mean that once it all comes out that the sexual partner should just have to accept this life changing situation without further discussion, without support and without consideration and empathy from the asexual partner. 

Discussion and support is one thing, an explanation for simply being asexual is another. Canucker said "no intention of trying to figure out why they are the way they are or feel the way they do about sex." I'm going to challenge Canucker's self-entitlement to why the partner is ace just as I'd challenge straight or cisgender people who think we have some kind of motive for not being straight or cis, or think that us being queer is some kind of conscious attempt at being inconvenient to them and their dating pool. I hope this makes my stance 100% clear

[pickles]

On 9/5/2025 at 5:29 AM, Frameshift07 said:

You don't. The way you think of your ace partner doesn't scream love, nor does the way you claim they act towards you.

On 9/5/2025 at 5:59 AM, Canucker said:

Excuse me..but you dont f***** know me or my partner. So you have no right to say I dont show love.

I'm not understanding how the bolded part was the conclusion of what Frameshift said.  Did something get changed/edited?