How to come to terms with being ace and wanting love? (and slight vent)

[Rabbit001]

Hello everyone! It's my first time on this site. I'm kind of having some trouble here.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to come to terms with being ace? I've desired a companion my entire life and I really romanticized the idea of sex in my head as something special that I would do with someone I loved. Two years ago (I'm 25) I had sex for the first time and I swear I could feel every hope and dream I had for my future crash down around me. It was not what I was expecting and my mind and body did not react the way I thought they would. Though I've always known I was ace in some way (suspected demisexual) it didn't strike me until that moment how sex repulsed I actually was when I wasn't romanticizing it so heavily in my mind. My discomfort around sex has gotten significantly worse since this and I have had more trouble consuming media and having conversations in the way I used to. As soon as sex comes up I can feel myself start to spiral. With the way things are I am not optimistic at all in my chances of finding someone with the same desires as me. I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship.

 

With all of that background out of the way... does anyone have any personal stories or advice on how to come to terms with your ace identity? For anyone did it contradict the idea you had for your future?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@Rabbit001 Hi 🍰

 

I can say what I thinks helps, and that's to be upfront about not being sexual, and that reduces significantly the amount of people you can invest in romantically, but being upfront and not wasting time in dead-end relationships works in your favor. Really it's the only thing you can do, unless you get desperate and try with someone who needs sex, but personally my experience doing that wasn't great .. though it helped me not feel desperate xD, and appreciate being single compared to those complicated aspects. It really helps a lot to appreciate the single life, and then romance can be something open to but not the end of the world if it takes finding the right person around. 

 

Coming to terms... I mean, you can't change how you are, right? Sometimes it's just about accepting it, whatever it takes you for that. Maybe processing your feelings is something you need. Being and talking in an ace community can help though too.

[Rabbit001]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Being and talking in an ace community can help though too.

I’m kind of working on introducing myself to more ace people, I think it’s going to be a game changer for me. I didn’t know many aces before this and I think that was partially what has made me feel so lonely and afraid.

 

And thank you for your response. You’re right, I think I probably should just focus on enjoying being single and pursuing my own interests to the full extent that I can. I’m probably just wasting time agonizing over the idea of a sexual relationship lol

[Slothed]

1 hour ago, Rabbit001 said:

I’m kind of working on introducing myself to more ace people, I think it’s going to be a game changer for me. I didn’t know many aces before this and I think that was partially what has made me feel so lonely and afraid.

From personal experience this will definitely help you feel less afraid and lonely. I went through a similar experience at your age and the only thing that snapped me out of it was accidentally running into two other aces and realizing there were others out there like me. It doesn’t mean that the end of relationships won’t still be scary and heartbreaking (as my embarrassingly cringy first post on AVEN proves 😅), but at least you’ll have the reassurance that there’s someone out there you could be compatible with instead of the isolation of believing you’re going to be alone forever. And in the meantime, as Sarah-Sylvia said, learn to be happy by and with yourself as a single person. It’s something I’ve only really understood recently and it’s made a huge difference in general happiness.

[Rabbit001]

On 8/18/2025 at 11:56 AM, Slothed said:

but at least you’ll have the reassurance that there’s someone out there you could be compatible with instead of the isolation of believing you’re going to be alone forever.

This!!! I think it has been easy for me to really underestimate my options. But as you said I’m really gonna focus on enjoying being by myself. I think there’s probably a lot of value in learning to overcome the discomfort of being alone. I’m glad that’s something that seems to have worked for you too, it gives me hope in my own ability lol. Thank you for your response!

[Czytling]

In my experience, as a fellow ace who wants a relationship, it helps to realise that multiple things can be true at once.

 

If you are ace, or sex repulsed, you are that and you can't change it, it is what it is. But you can still make the best of it.

 

You can be happy on your own (for me doing a solo trip helped a lot with realising that, that you don't have to rely on others being there to be happy, and it is important starting point for healthy relationships either way)

 

You can and will find a relationship in time, if you want that. There are many more people out there willing to have a non-sexual relationship than you think. It just takes time to find the right person. (And, as @Sarah-Sylvia said, be upfront about being ace and what it means to you. It's scary and awkward, but it's the only waonfor a relationship to develop into a good and healthy one, and ultimately it saved you heartbreak. Maybe practice telling people beforehand )

 

And, last and most important, you are not alone. There are quite a few aces out there feeling just as lost as you are, and even more aces that are happily living out their lives, many of them in relationship or married. You just don't know that, because from outside ace couples pass off as straight (or gay) and just-not-into-PDA.

Good luck!

[quixotic_peacock]

I feel you on all counts!! I rejected my asexuality for years and had lots of horrible experiences as a result. I finally came out to myself and other people as ace over the summer and felt like crying my eyes out SO many times. I read Ace by Angela Chen and Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda Brown, and both those books helped me to make sense of my experiences. I've also surfed this forum a bit, and I just went to an in-person ace event for the first time recently! I also started wearing a black ring on my right middle finger-- as is the custom-- and had a sweet conversation with another ace person at my school. Identifying as ace still feels very new, but it's helped to find community/connections, even in small ways. I hope you can find that, too!

 

I feel you re. dating. I'm 23 and have never been in a serious relationship, and dating feels a bit more daunting now that I know that I'm ace-- but I think things will be better for me going forward because I'm finally going to start seeking out what I really want. (Also, one of my long-time friends is in an ace-ace relationship that's going well, and that gives me hope!) Hope some of this helps at all.

[Rheeso]

I feel you 100%, im also 25 and experience near zero pleasure in the act due to nerve issues. and I had a very simular experience. Difference being I had a 3 year long relationship with a loving partner BUT their view of sex wasnt as romantisized as mine was and it caused major issues for me in many ways. I always saw sex as the ultimate form of romance ONLY. And being with someone who saw it as something simular but also as a seperate pleasureble emotion really messed me up. Just knowing he could look at porn and feel a positive emotion instead of disgust like I did hurt me alot. Even though I have a feeling he got much much more out of the sex than me because of this, it always felt to me like the sexual pleasure side of things corrupted the romantic side rather than boosting it. I took medications and went to therapy for a long time in attempt to fix this "insecurity" I had but it seems to just be hard wired in me. And now working to truly accept this.

 

So my own personal advice is to say you may need to find someone who romantizes it similarly to you or is just very romantic in general and doesnt crave sex like you perhaps. Ive yet to find my personal answer exactly but thats what im looking for at the very least for myself. Some may say romantizing in general can be bad. But without that lense for me personally its just gross.

 

You said you had sex but never a relationship, even more typical allos feel horrible in sex without that big connection first. Its a huge factor for many. Not sure if your one experience was a romantic one or not. Worth noting. Hope that helps!

[Charmiann]

A little off topic I think. But it is hell being lesbian, married to an amazing woman .... who is asexual. Wasn't like that at first; she taught me things in bed! I threw away my vibrator yesterday; why even bother. 

[Frameshift07]

7 minutes ago, Charmiann said:

A little off topic I think.

Yes, it is. Welcome, anyway.

[riptide]

On 8/17/2025 at 5:55 PM, Rabbit001 said:

 

With all of that background out of the way... does anyone have any personal stories or advice on how to come to terms with your ace identity? For anyone did it contradict the idea you had for your future?

I figured out I was asexual before I realized I was homoromantic. Like for me it went straight -> asexual but likes girls -> asexual but likes everyone -> asexual but likes men. Here's my insight, unsure if it'll help anyone itt but that's why we're here!

 

Growing up, my entire social circle revolved around the idea of "go to uni, get married to the girl you meet there, get a well paying job, have two kids, buy a house, two cars, and then work until you retire". I've never accepted this view in full, but the kids part specifically drove me NUTS because I knew I wanted to have kids, but the idea of having sex just did not intrigue me. And when I had my Wattpad era (yeah I'm that old, and yes we all had that era) I'd love the romance bits but not the sex bits. I figured out I was asexual through fanfiction. Growing up, I thought everyone felt that way and people just made nasty remarks about how much they'd like to fuck someone to blend in (to this day, still don't understand that). And so I realized at that time that like, yes I can still have kids, but the idea of having to have sex with someone to get there was so excruciating. Then I discovered other methods of having kids and I was like, sick I'll do that! And then I discovered that I liked men and that was a bit of a curveball that I kept rationalizing with "I can hopefully just end up with someone who can have kids" until I realized I only liked men! And so then I was like, okay, I can adopt. Then I realized I wanted to be childfree.

 

All that to say that I started out only centering sex as something that I had to do, because so much of the world revolves around sex. And eventually as I discovered more about myself and what I want, sex became more and more decentered in my life. It's barely something I think about anymore just because of how much work I've done mentally to come to terms with "i don't fuck around and yet still want to find out".

 

I'm also 25. I've had several Hinge men, a few situationships, two short-term relationships and a partridge in a pear tree and haven't found the one for me yet, but all of these experiences helped me with how I interact with the world as someone who's got a case of The Big Gay that doesn't like to actually partake in acts other people with The Big Gay enjoy. There have been several microaggressions (and less aggressions) that I've had directed towards me, like that time some dude on Hinge asked me how asexual I was". That was something. And then one of my relationships ended bc he cheated on me, and that was another Thing but also something I learned from. I suspect that he wasn't satisfied sexually (and I'll never know), but for me that's a lesson in itself - I was open with him about that part of my identity and it still didn't work out. That's a general lesson, too - you'll be open with other people in life, say all the right things, move in all the correct ways, and still get burned. And you're going to love again, because you will absolutely find that person who's a fit for you - whether it's because they wanna match your energy or because they're in the same wavelength in the first place, asexually or in other aspects. Relationships between ace and allo people can absolutely work, also - my other relationship was with an allo guy, and we ended things amicably because we wanted different things with our lives and didn't wanna do long distance. We still text each other like, once every few months. That being said, my personal decision is that I won't date someone who isn't ace anymore just because of personal paranoia surrounding cheating - and my mind could absolutely change and that'll be valid as well. What I'm trying to say is that there's no one size fits all solution and there's no perfect way to tell you how to find the partner you're looking for or what you should have on your checklist when you're seeing if pursuing a relationship with someone is a good use of your time. BUT - and here's the kicker - you're gonna have relationships burn out anyway. And you're gonna get back up and keep going, because all love ends in grief whether that's from a particularly bad breakup or because you're surrounded by hospital grey spilling out everything you wanted to say to your spouse over the years. You're gonna hurt people. You're gonna be hurt. It's not just about asexuality, even though that's a huge factor in how we interact with the world - it's just life. And that's okay, because eventually you're gonna find somebody who's willing to sit with you through the hurt and be like "okay, so where do we go from here?" instead of saying that they're leaving. Gonna end this here - I apologize for length - but hopefully this helps anyone at all! Always glad to answer questions too - I don't have all the answers, but figuring them out is so much easier when you talk to others!

[Vénea Linnriel]

From a 41 year old virgin's perspecive who's never been in a relationship but has been longing for love and romance all her life and only just started figuring out she's on the asexual spectrum I am probably not the best source to give anyone advice on how to come to terms with this kind of situation.

 

What I'm trying for myself is to engage in discussions about asexuality and connect with other asexual people as much as I can. I'm also planning on using a dating app particularly for asexual people for the first time in my life. The platforms I've used for dating so far (and utterly unsuccessfully I might add) have always been regular dating sites and my experience there boils down to me rejecting almost everyone due to the fear of them expecting sex from me. I'm hoping an app solely for asexual people like myself might help with me being more open and letting potential partners closer due to knowing sex will never be a required topic.