Are you in love? And other questions about this thing we call romance

[mori child]

If I were a sociological researcher, I would make a ton of these. Fortunately, I can do it for free with much less effort. (But also much more biased results)

[Alex Bailey]

Confused 😃

[mori child]

My answer to my own question (#8): 

"😃Experience romantic love far less than average while still retaining comparable levels of angst ‼️ 😃"

[Miss Grey]

Is this poll limited to being in love with a person? What if I'm in love with a video game? 😝

But in all honesty I've never experienced romantic attraction and romance itself feels like a lot of work. 🙃

[mori child]

5 minutes ago, Miss Grey said:

Is this poll limited to being in love with a person? What if I'm in love with a video game? 😝

But in all honesty I've never experienced romantic attraction and romance itself feels like a lot of work. 🙃

Thank you, I have edited the first question for clarity 😂

[Picklethewickle]

"No thank you, I shall not" is actually a very succinct way to encapsulate my experiences with romance, so I picked it even though I'm commenting now. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

'Pleasant' is a bit mild of a word to say how love feels xD. I said definitely, but it's a way bigger feeling than that.

 

I don't know for a catch phrase, I'll just say that It's a wonderful connection.

Maybe that doesn't work for if it's one-sided, but personally I think romantically it has meaning only if it's reciprocated. It can be fun to wonder or dream though even when it's one-sided.

[Philip027]

1.  Yes.  Married to em, too

2.  3-5 sounds about right

3.  I mean, I understand what it's getting at, but personally I don't tend to refer to nonromantic feelings as "love" because it's prone to misunderstandings/confusion

4.  Not really.  Love is love

5.  No, never confused them.  Never experienced libido or anything resembling sexual interest, so that made it easy to tell

6.  If I love something or someone, I will fixate on it to at least some degree.  For me that's just part of the process.  If that falls under obsession, then I would say 100%.  "Obsession" carries negative connotations though, and I don't feel like I exhibit those

7.  Definitely pleasant, even if it's one-sided

8.  I'm bad at coming up with names for stuff.  I'll just say it's worth the wait

[Peaseblossom o7]

So... I've only been "In love" once, and I was definitely obsessed, and it was clear that it was romantic. I felt very uncomfortable with it. I don't want to experience it again. I really hope that if I do feel it again, it either is a temporary phase, or I can learn to enjoy it without feeling so damn uncomfortable with the thoughts and attention I'm experiencing. 

 

I still love that person, but thankfully those obsessed feelings aren't present anymore. I feel love for one particular person I dreamed of, a fictional person, I randomly think about them from time to time, especially in this kind of discussion. I currently love the person I dreamed about last night, since it's recent. A friend suggested I start a dream diary, so maybe I'll remember these people I dream up in the future more often. It's nice to have these dreams, even though I get confused when I wake up. 

 

I've "loved" my crushes and partners of the past, but I don't really think it's been romantic very often, and it's never been "in love" except that one time I described. I think I've only been romantically attracted to 4 people so far in life... 

 

I've not had any good experiences with my romantic love, so I currently consider it unpleasant. But... I think that would change if I was in a real and healthy relationship with someone I had romantic feelings for. 

 

I've had romantic feelings for people in my dreams, or daydreams... even then, it's associated with sadness, loss, and longing, as the dream ends, and they no longer exist. It's heartbreaking.

 

I guess the one good experience I had was romantic attraction to a fictional character in a video game, and so it didn't and doesn't feel like she no long exists. I can go "talk" to her again through the dialogue she has with the protagonist, and a feature of the game where she talks to you as a player, facing the screen, with the idea that you immerse yourself in as the protagonist. 

 

 

Before I experienced a sexual relationship, I believed my emotional attraction was sexual attraction. The relationship showed me the sexual energy a person could have, that I don't have. She wanted sex in a way I could not feel, myself. I can't remember if I ever wanted sex at all, outside of trying to imagine it in my daydreams, which is more of a curiosity than an attraction-based desire. The need to fit in. 

 

I have felt sexual attraction a small number of times in dreams, but the feeling ended shortly after waking, and it was clear that it was sexual.

[blunose2772]

I thought I was in love once, but it was just gas. 

[purple_rain]

Now that's an interesting topic, and I liked your questions. Actually I have been thinking about starting a thread on a similar topic (I often think about creating them, but never actually do it): about how often AVENites fall in love. I have this suspicion that it happens to me far less often than to the average person, and I'm curious to find out what is considered "normal".

[Jade Cross Lord Of Toys]

What? Noone is going to post it? Allright, guess I'll do it

 

To be honest, Im not sure what love is supposed to even be, especially when you factor in limerance, passion,  obsession, and the like

 

 

[Olallieberry]

I've debated on here in the past about whether love is a feeling, whether love is just a feeling, whether love is even a feeling at all, and today I recognized that those debates didn't distinguish between "loving" someone versus being "in love."

 

Too bad, because that's probably where a lot of disagreement came from.

[Eila]

I enjoyed this survey!

Q7 is a great question. I answered 'kind of pleasant' because for me, if we're talking about the 'in love' phase, romantic love is such an intense feeling that it's both absolutely wonderful and excruciatingly  painful. 

 

[KuraTheChibiSleepingBeauty]

I literally have no idea how to answer any of these questions. 😅  I feel like I'm quite unusual when it comes to romance. I'm very aesthetically attracted to a lot of characters from my favourite stories, but that sure doesn't mean I'd want to date them. I like gentle romances, with a lot of tender moments and deep, soulful connections to the point of what I can only describe as synchronous. I need that deep connection for all of my primary relationships, as otherwise I'm just sort of neutral. I'm almost certainly demi-romantic, but there's also another component in the sense that I only want to 'synchronize' with one person. Is there a term for that, and/or a term for being a little more aromantic when it comes to certain situations or people, yet also not fully? 

I hope all of this makes sense. 

[KuraTheChibiSleepingBeauty]

6 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

Now that's an interesting topic, and I liked your questions. Actually I have been thinking about starting a thread on a similar topic (I often think about creating them, but never actually do it): about how often AVENites fall in love. I have this suspicion that it happens to me far less often than to the average person, and I'm curious to find out what is considered "normal".

 

I'd really like to contribute to a thread like that, and I hope you do go through with it. [If you're comfortable with it, of course.] 🙂

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

Now that's an interesting topic, and I liked your questions. Actually I have been thinking about starting a thread on a similar topic (I often think about creating them, but never actually do it): about how often AVENites fall in love. I have this suspicion that it happens to me far less often than to the average person, and I'm curious to find out what is considered "normal".

Well there are aro-spec people on the site so yeah it's going to be less than average

[nickolekuebler]

perhaps I am kind of odd in this view but I am afraid to say that I am in love with someone. I feel like to say that you are in love with someone it needs to be very intense in a good way. I know that I really like my partner and I think that I even love them. I just don't know yet about being in love with them. I think though that once we are closer together and no longer in the long distance relationship this will likely change. I think that being long distance does hinder the development of stronger feelings. I also think that since I am still questioning whether or not I am aromantic also changes things for me. I do hope to learn more soon though by moving closer to my partner.  

[KraftyCaktus]

Sometimes I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love... Like I'm attracted to the thought of experiencing romantic attraction... But never have I ever found that.

I assume I would just know if I was in love, but I've never even experienced this "obsession" I keep hearing about, IDK people are just people 🤷‍♂️ and I'm one too...

What does being "in love" feel like?...

I know what it means to love my family and my friends, but that is different from what I imagine being in love means.

[Philip027]

11 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I've debated on here in the past about whether love is a feeling, whether love is just a feeling, whether love is even a feeling at all, and today I recognized that those debates didn't distinguish between "loving" someone versus being "in love."

 

Too bad, because that's probably where a lot of disagreement came from.

I don't really distinguish between them either.  It sounds very similar to other points I've seen brought up here repeatedly about the supposed difference between someone being "attractive" and being "attracted" to them.

 

Reads to me like six of one, half a dozen of the other.

[Slothed]

19 hours ago, Philip027 said:

If I love something or someone, I will fixate on it to at least some degree.  For me that's just part of the process.  If that falls under obsession, then I would say 100%.  "Obsession" carries negative connotations though, and I don't feel like I exhibit those

Agreed. Not really comfortable with using “obsessed” to describe myself, but for the purposes of the question I’m assuming you meant it in a more benign way.

[Artemis42]

16 hours ago, Eila said:

I enjoyed this survey!

Q7 is a great question. I answered 'kind of pleasant' because for me, if we're talking about the 'in love' phase, romantic love is such an intense feeling that it's both absolutely wonderful and excruciatingly  painful. 

 

This! I answered "neutral/both" for that one. 
I'm not 100% sure of the difference between loving and being in love, but for the purposes of this poll I answered that I've only been in love once because I've only had one partner, but I'm not sure how much I agree with that even just now typing this. Can you be in love with someone who barely sees you as a friend? Can you only be in love when someone else is there in it with you? Can you be in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist? Or who isn't real? 

I've had a number of parasocial crushes, they kind of defined my teen years. I would say I was definitely obsessive about these crushes. They ruled my thoughts every day and it was easy to have constant access to content about them to fuel the feelings. I’m less sure about my crushes on people I actually knew IRL. There was probably a level of obsession, I was definitely always aware of the pain of it being unreciprocal and the fear of rejection if I were to confess to them, but it's hard to fully remember now. I probably was, I've experienced limerence a lot.   

[Eila]

 

 

53 minutes ago, Artemis42 said:

... because I've only had one partner, but I'm not sure how much I agree with that even just now typing this

Ooooh yes it's been making me think about my own experiences too and I'd love to talk more. 

 

I only said I'd been I love once too, because it was the only instance that actually went on to become love. 

 

It also got me wondering about the various other feelings I've had, and if/how they were different. 

 

I'd break them down roughly into:

 

1. teenage crushes that I kept quiet

2. as an adult feelings of interest and hopefulness as relationships began

3. the one experience of 'in love'ness that went on to become love 

4. one instance of limerance for someone who didn't reciprocate.

 

They all felt a little bit different, but I think all except no 2. shared a quality of 'need', and deeply desiring reciprocity. 

 

Experiences 2. didn't have that quality, probably because I was just going along with something that the other person had started, and I found myself in a relationship thinking - 'oh I hope this is good'! 

 

Growing to love someone seemed like a process of getting past that initial stage to something more real, true, and much less self invested. 

 

So I guess with hindsight I feel that those 'in love' feelings (speaking for myself only), are not quite to be trusted as what I thought they were. At the time I thought it was about caring for someone, but I think they were motivated by a deep need in myself and as such were more about me than them. 

Whereas the actual love was definitely about them the person and their wellbeing. But it wasn't electric anymore, just very natural and sincere. 

 

My grey aroaceness is something related to these observations in myself and my endless ruminations about what romantic love entails and means. 

 

[mori child]

17 minutes ago, Eila said:

 

 

Ooooh yes it's been making me think about my own experiences too and I'd love to talk more. 

 

I only said I'd been I love once too, because it was the only instance that actually went on to become love. 

 

It also got me wondering about the various other feelings I've had, and if/how they were different. 

 

I'd break them down roughly into:

 

1. teenage crushes that I kept quiet

2. as an adult feelings of interest and hopefulness as relationships began

3. the one experience of 'in love'ness that went on to become love 

4. one instance of limerance for someone who didn't reciprocate.

 

They all felt a little bit different, but I think all except no 2. shared a quality of 'need', and deeply desiring reciprocity. 

 

Experiences 2. didn't have that quality, probably because I was just going along with something that the other person had started, and I found myself in a relationship thinking - 'oh I hope this is good'! 

 

Growing to love someone seemed like a process of getting past that initial stage to something more real, true, and much less self invested. 

 

So I guess with hindsight I feel that those 'in love' feelings (speaking for myself only), are not quite to be trusted as what I thought they were. At the time I thought it was about caring for someone, but I think they were motivated by a deep need in myself and as such were more about me than them. 

Whereas the actual love was definitely about them the person and their wellbeing. But it wasn't electric anymore, just very natural and sincere. 

 

My grey aroaceness is something related to these observations in myself and my endless ruminations about what romantic love entails and means. 

 

I want to say that as a younger homoromantic oriented woman, it's very encouraging to hear this. Thank you for sharing your experiences!

[Eila]

@mori child Thanks for letting me know. I'm so glad to give some encouragement! 

 

In the interests of full disclosure I've only identified as homo-oriented for the last decade and most of these experiences have been hetero- ones. Some of them are from a very long time ago! I hope that doesn't change too much the encouragement you feel from reading about them.

 

From my point of view each time they were just about the person, and I could equally have had those experiences with a woman and drawn the same conclusions. I wasn't sure whether to say something but I don't want leave something implied that isn't true. 

 

E

[purple_rain]

18 hours ago, KuraTheChibiSleepingBeauty said:

 

I'd really like to contribute to a thread like that, and I hope you do go through with it. [If you're comfortable with it, of course.] 🙂

Oh, thank you, that's really kind of you! But now I fear that my questions might not be specific or interesting enough ... and as @Sarah-Sylvia rightly said, there are so many aro-aces here, the average AVENite is likely to fall in love much less often. But maybe you can share your thoughts on this here? If you, too, are comfortable with it. 🙂

 

Actually, I've just asked ChatGPT about the average number of times a person falls in love in their lifetime. And I'm honestly stunned by the results: "Most people fall in love between 2 to 5 times in their lifetime, according to surveys conducted in Western cultures." And a YouGov survey (UK) found that 33 % of people said they had fallen in love only once. 

I think that's a crazy small number of people, considering how many people everyone is dating and having sex with (apparently). 

Okay I'll stop now, I don't want to hijack this thread ... 🙊

[Sarah-Sylvia]

7 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said:

Oh, thank you, that's really kind of you! But now I fear that my questions might not be specific or interesting enough ... and as @Sarah-Sylvia rightly said, there are so many aro-aces here, the average AVENite is likely to fall in love much less often. But maybe you can share your thoughts on this here? If you, too, are comfortable with it. 🙂

 

Actually, I've just asked ChatGPT about the average number of times a person falls in love in their lifetime. And I'm honestly stunned by the results: "Most people fall in love between 2 to 5 times in their lifetime, according to surveys conducted in Western cultures." And a YouGov survey (UK) found that 33 % of people said they had fallen in love only once. 

I think that's a crazy small number of people, considering how many people everyone is dating and having sex with (apparently). 

Okay I'll stop now, I don't want to hijack this thread ... 🙊

Those stats are slightly lower than I expected but it makes sense that it's not super high because falling in love is generally a much bigger deal than just a crush. Some people mix up those 2 things

[mori child]

8 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said:

Oh, thank you, that's really kind of you! But now I fear that my questions might not be specific or interesting enough ... and as @Sarah-Sylvia rightly said, there are so many aro-aces here, the average AVENite is likely to fall in love much less often. But maybe you can share your thoughts on this here? If you, too, are comfortable with it. 🙂

 

Actually, I've just asked ChatGPT about the average number of times a person falls in love in their lifetime. And I'm honestly stunned by the results: "Most people fall in love between 2 to 5 times in their lifetime, according to surveys conducted in Western cultures." And a YouGov survey (UK) found that 33 % of people said they had fallen in love only once. 

I think that's a crazy small number of people, considering how many people everyone is dating and having sex with (apparently). 

Okay I'll stop now, I don't want to hijack this thread ... 🙊

I mean, as far as I'm concerned as the author of the thread, by all means, please hijack it! 😁 The numbers you got from ChatGPT are really interesting and surprising. But I'm fairly convinced that everyone, including alloromantic folk, has a slightly different perception of what "falling in love" means, so the numbers could probably vary wildly from one survey to another, depending on what definitions they used. Or maybe I overestimate the diversity of human experience? 

 

I have, for a long time now, been interested in dissecting the different aspects of love, and studying when they are present and when they are absent. "Love" is a beautiful word and concept, but also extremely imprecise once we begin considering sexual passion, obsession, friendship, etc. I would love to talk with people more about the minutiae of the experience.  

[mori child]

@Eila Thank you for the caveat! I guess what I meant (when I said that your comment was encouraging) was simply that the two of us seem to share similar identities, and it is helpful for me to know that there are people like me who have started figuring out about what love means to them. When so much of the world seems to slot neatly into hetero and allo identities, I often feel lost, or as though I have no role models or paths towards the future. I feel like I have to trail blaze a path for myself with nothing to guide me. So just knowing that there are other grayromantic women figuring this out, contemplating the meaning of romantic love, is very heartening. It makes me feel less alone. 

[Eila]

@mori child Oh gosh...lovely thing to say. Me worrying for no reason as usual 🤣

 

I totally relate to the lost feeling of not having a template or model to ground me. Opportunies like this to articulate my not-very-integrated thoughts are definitely helping. 🙏🌳