Feeling hopeless

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 hours ago, Canucker said:

, But it still doesnt change the fact the asexual is still going to wind up getting what they want and need from the relationship to be happy and fulfilled

There's no way a loving partner who cares about the relationship (and the other person) would be fulfilled in a relationship where their partner isn't. Humanity is diverse and some people can ignore things or be in denial, so I'm not saying there can't be exceptions, but that would not be possible for me and I don't see how it could be for someone else, I can only think that someone would be fine with it if they aren't in the relationship for romantic reasons (or the loving connection with that person).

 

That said I do think it's not really productive to be comparing and trying to say one person has it better than the other. A relationship is for the connection between both people, and both your feelings matter.

[calibri]

On 8/14/2025 at 12:35 AM, Sally said:

This may not be relevant in this particular discussion, but I've seen this statement so often that I want to maybe push back a little.  

 

When sexuals say that the asexual they're involved with has "everything they want", I wonder if that's ignoring the (probable) fact that the asexual knows that their sexual partner is unhappy with the situation.  It's difficult to believe that all those asexuals are either ignoring that unhappiness, or they don't care.  I wonder if it's more likely that the asexual just can't deal with the sex and therefore they know that they can't do anything to help the situation.     

 

On 8/14/2025 at 12:53 AM, Frameshift07 said:

I think if us aces truly had what we need, we wouldn't be immersed in a culture that panders so hard to allosexuality while so many of us are put through, at worst, corrective rape.

 

I do also resent the habit people have of making it out like we don't understand sex? We don't need explaining how allosexuals need sex, we live in a world that does nothing but make us out like jackasses for not needing sex ourselves. If anything, our voices need hearing because so many people are berks that blue-screen on hearing it's possible to not need sex.

 

I just don't get why it's always framed as the ace having it all and the allo suffering. At least, an ace-allo relationship where the allo is begrudgingly celibate isn't a relationship where the ace is being coerced through allonormativity to have their boundaries broken. Celibacy never hurt anyone, coercion has.

 

23 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Here's something to consider.  If I were the asexual partner in that relationship, I wouldn't have everything I want, because I want a partner that's fulfilled in the relationship.

 

I just want to say something from an emotional place, but asexuals are a small minority, and it's extremely hard to find a compatible partner. I don't think you know how much hurt and loneliness there can be when someone constantly experiences society and relationships that want something out of them that they can't provide. 

 

At this point personally I wouldn't be able to stand being in a relationship where I feel like I'm either expected to be sexual when I can't or seeing my partner resent or be sad due to how I happen to be/feel.  I think someone needs to decide to make the most of it if they stay in the relationship, and not project unhappiness on their partner, to me that's not right. 

Obviously it's more complicated when not having known about asexuality and all that. But I think what I'm trying to say is important, and I'm not saying to fake being ok with it. But I am saying it's important to work on accepting it, whatever decision you end up making for your own happiness. Someone asexual's happiness matters too.

 

11 hours ago, Sally said:

No, that is not true.  What an asexual wants from a relationship would be a relationship in which there is no sex and their partner is not unhappy because of that.   You are doing what I commented on above: assuming that the asexual doesn't care about the feelings of the sexual.  

 

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I think the assumption that should be changed is that they should "stay together and make it work".   If the gap in sexual desire is large, and an open relationship doesn't work for both of them (no fault there if that is the case) then one or the other will be unhappy UNLESS they separate.   In that situation I think separation is the better option than staying together. 

 

I don't think it matters who is "more" unhappy, or which one gets the relationship they want: If they love each other, neither can be happy if the other is unhappy.  If they don't love each other, then there is no point staying together in the first place.

I wholeheartedly agree with all said here and wanted to add on that I simply do not understand when an allosexual who needs sex to be fulfilled happily in a relationship decides to stay with an asexual who needs to not have sex to be fulfilled happily in a relationship. Especially when both parties know the sex itself wont be satisfying or genuine and it only causes physiological harm to both. Mind you, allosexual couples also separate and or divorce due to sex compatibility not being met! Example a - my parents and then they went onto have a strong friendship after so separation doesnt have to be devastating either. This isnt a strict ace and allo issue. Despite financial reasons to stay together or having kids together or having a life and friend groups together, still loving each other as people, if this issue is causing so much strife they separate and or divorce. Which is understandable! I dont say any of this lightly. I say it because look at the result. How can a relationship thrive  when one person actively needs something mentally and physically to feel whole in a committed relationship that the other person mentally and physically cannot genuinely give them? 

 

Also @Frameshift07 is correct, celibacy doesnt hurt anyone like coercion does because celibacy by the correct definition is "the state of choosing to not engage in sexual activity with the understanding that this choice is permanent or for an extended period." It is a choice. A choice an allosexual makes and isnt physically forced to. Because they also have the choice to walk away (maybe with consequences but thats life). Also a person usually choices to go celibate for themselves, not because of another person. Coercion is the act of taking away a choice for someone else. By definition: "the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threat or pressure." Thats the harm. 

 

[Frameshift07]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

That said I do think it's not really productive to be comparing and trying to say one person has it better than the other. A relationship is for the connection between both people, and both your feelings matter.

Absolutely.

 

When the sexual partner says the ace is getting everything, it just feels like they're trying to make it out like it's some kind of privilege to be ace and and stuck in an unhappy relationship that expects something unrealistic from them.

[Olallieberry]

6 hours ago, calibri said:

celibacy doesnt hurt anyone like coercion does because celibacy by the correct definition is "the state of choosing to not engage in sexual activity with the understanding that this choice is permanent or for an extended period." It is a choice. A choice an allosexual makes and isnt physically forced to. Because they also have the choice to walk away (maybe with consequences but thats life). Also a person usually choices to go celibate for themselves, not because of another person. Coercion is the act of taking away a choice for someone else.

A choice has been taken away: The choice of whether to have sex with the other person in the committed partnership.

 

Now, you’re right and I wouldn’t call that coercion, but let’s not be glib and make things sound like the available choices which are left after the other partner has dictated their boundaries and removed certain choices from the available options are easy, happy, good choices. These are absolutely horrible choices and this fact deserves some empathy,

 

But again, you’re right, the choice to remain while celibacy is a prerequisite of staying is indeed a choice. TeChNiCalLy.

 

Harping on that and pretending like a sexless marriage is an equally mutual decision which doesn’t come with an inherent asymmetry of sacrifice is unsympathetic at best.

 

Now, like I said, it’s not a contest. We probably shouldn’t be focusing on that asymmetry at all, because it’s not really helpful or productive. But actively denying that it exists IS making it into a contest, and worse, and so it deserves some push-back.

[calibri]

12 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

A choice has been taken away: The choice of whether to have sex with the other person in the committed partnership.

Which then the person who wants sex can make the choice to go find sex with another person. Choosing not to have a sexless marriage and finding a new marriage a new partnership. The asexual person in question should also seek a relationship that fulfills their needs and allows them to feel secure in a relationship. Unless this is a forced marriage and by law they cannot divorce I see no reason why this isnt a possibility. Including all the reasons I mentioned about that would normally halt people from legally separating. I also never agreed that a sexless marriage is a mutual decision, there's nothing mutual here both parties are in strife when they know the end result for a better relationship is to not be in a relationship - if one person cannot mentally and physically give you what you actively need and it affects your daily life and relationship then that relationship isnt viable. 

 

It certainly not a contest but I was arguing the definition of celibacy and coercion and how coercion is FAR worse than choosing celibacy. Cause again, celibacy is a choice a person makes of their own accord and then a choice a person can stop making at any time which yes means bearing consequences i.e the marriage is over and that is devastating but that pain can mend over time. Hundred of divorce couples mend over time. You and many others may not see my point but I am standing by it. 

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, calibri said:

You and many others may not see my point but I am standing by it. 

It’s not that we don’t see it.
 

It’s “nOt WrOnG” like some of us have already said.

 

But you may not have seen that.

[nanogretchen4]

Sarah-Sylvia, different people have different amounts of empathy, apparently. Many sexual people are unwilling to accept sexual favors from their asexual partners as soon as they realize that their partner does not desire the sex. However, there have been a number of sexual partners on AVEN looking for strategies to pressure their asexual partners into providing sexual favors.

 

Some asexuals could not be happy in a mixed orientation relationship knowing that severe sexual incompatibility is making their sexual partner unhappy. There have been a few asexuals that I know of who have voluntarily broken off a mixed orientation relationship after accepting that both partners cannot simultaneously be happy in a relationship with each other. There are a somewhat larger number of asexuals who are unwilling to date sexuals in the first place. But there have also been asexuals looking for strategies to start mixed orientation relationships with unsuspecting sexuals. There have also been quite a few asexuals arguing that it would actually be wrong for the asexual to be the one to break up, since the sexual partner is the only one who is unhappy.

 

So yeah, a surprising number of people feel that they can be perfectly happy while knowingly hurting someone they claim to love.

[TC4512]

Pretty much the in the same boat as you are, friend. I do hope you don't bang your head more than I did.

 

As sex is our primal nature lashing out and the desire to give the known pinnacle of enjoyment to the most beloved partner.

 

Respect to staying properly committed.

 

For the most part is that we'll mostly need to hold it in or just self-expel it just to temporarily lower our libido.

 

I think sex would be a sacrifice if you love the person. and at the partner Ace's point of view would be a big sacrifice if they did ever engage in the act without forceful coercion.

 

Plenty of suck for us sexuals. but I believe in this world where not much seems geniune anymore, that this kind of relationship although much quieter, is something worth cherishing.