How do you cope?

[Undesirable]

Hi all,

 

This is my first time here! Hoping to reach some people in similar situations and gain understanding and advice going forward.

 

My partner (m 38) and I (f 34) have been together for over 12 years now. We have a home together and my son (15, from a previous relationship). We are a perfect couple in most ways. Everyone comments on how well suited we are and couldn’t imagine us with other people. We rarely argue (nothing major anyway), we’re best friends. I find him very attractive and always have. However, our sex life has always been a bit… flat. Even during our first months together it was never a hot bed. Sex has never been a big thing for him. But the longer we’ve been together the less it’s become. I’m talking once in a blue moon kind of thing. And even when we do, it’s very mundane. Literally turn me over, do the deed and that’s it. He’s not into kissing or anything like that. So the only intimacy is during these blips. I’ve always been a very sexual person, I’ve found it to be rather an important part of a relationship. I’ve had conversations with him MANY times over the years. I’m always hit with excuses, whether that be he’s tired, doesn’t feel well, been stressed, or now it’s the antidepressants fault that his libido is non-existent. Now I fully appreciate that anti-depressants do have this effect on men, but that doesn’t account for the times before he went on them. Sex has always felt like a chore. It’s always me initiating and getting rejected. My self esteem and self worth has been shot to the point I no longer feel attractive or desired. My interest in sex has plummeted and even solo pleasure is now at an all time low. I still desire sex (I dream of it regularly) so I know it’s not my libido has decreased, I’ve just given up the fight.

 

I really don’t know what to do anymore. It’s pointless having more conversations, all he does is give excuses and then says things like “well go find someone with a bigger sex drive who will likely cheat on you all the time then”. Then he calms down and says he will make more of an effort. Yet, that never happens.

 

What do I do? I love him. I really do. Our relationship apart from that is great. I’ve tried so hard for so long for this not to be an issue but it is. I can’t deny it anymore.

 

He would never ever be open to the idea of an open relationship, nor would I want him to. Because the thought of him with someone else breaks my heart, so why should it be okay for me to do it? It would feel like I’m punishing him for being the way he is. He can’t help it.

 

I feel he is asexual but he doesn’t identify as that, he doesn’t identify as anything. He doesn’t feel that sex is important and that my qualms are silly and unnecessary.

 

I feel so trapped and unfulfilled. Is anyone else in this situation? How do you cope?

[Frameshift07]

We'll always be here for general advice, but in regards to the question "is he asexual?" That's something you can only ask him. And he may not even be aware that asexuality is a thing due to discrimination and erasure, so don't be afraid to introduce the idea (and this website) to him.

 

Other than that, there's two outcomes in your reach. Compromise (you accept there won't be sex), and ending the relationship. In other relationships, the asexual partner may be open to having sex or opening the relationship, which makes two other outcomes, but it doesn't seem those will be possible.

[Philip027]

He might be, if he's never shown any indication of being anything different.  Whether he is or not is kinda inconsequential though; the main issue here is that you are not happy in this relationship as things stand.  

 

27 minutes ago, Undesirable said:

“well go find someone with a bigger sex drive who will likely cheat on you all the time then”

Yikes.  I feel like there's definitely something to unpack there.  He is not quite in the lofty position he makes himself out to be.

[Liara]

Is he asexual or not? Is it really important? No, what’s matter is he doesn’t want sex and you do. And nothing is wrong with that, both are valid options.

But he can’t say your desire is not valid. That’s unfair and very bad for you. He has to accept your needs are valid. He doesn’t have to force himself to have sex, certainly not, but he can’t tell you that’s silly. He must accept your needs are as valid as his. That’s the first thing.

But obviously, if he accepts your needs are valid, he will have to accept there is a problem, a problem that feels like a threat for him. But you can’t face it alone. You will have to work on this together to have a chance to make it work. He has to accept who you are as much as you have to accept how he is.

 

Sadly, you can imagine there is not a lot of things you can do even if he accepts your view. He can’t compromise, you can’t celibate and you both will not accept an open relationship. The only option left would be breaking up and I can imagine you don’t want that for now.

You will have to work on this together to see if there is something you both can do to make this feel a little better for you. Some kind of other intimacy for example. Even if there will never replace sexual intimacy.

 

We are a lot here sharing your feelings. That’s hard and unfair. There is no magical solution. But you will have to talk a lot with each other, to respect and listen.

[Olallieberry]

This guy is disrespecting you left and right.

 

Could he be doing it because he himself is insecure and the only coping mechanism he has for that is lashing out? Maybe, sure.

 

Doesn’t make it acceptable at all.

 

Feeling trapped is probably an even bigger deal than just feeling undesired. I think you are with a controlling gaslighter, a borderline abuser and certainly a manipulator, and that most of the problems aren’t even about being sexually incompatible with each other.

[BeADreamer]

I'm not saying this is necessary for you to do, but have you spoken to him about an open relationship? The only reason I say this is because you say he'd never be open to that - is that because you've had that discussion and he's said no, or because you made an assumption? Because open relationships can look different from couple to couple. For example, my ex and I came to an arrangement during the course of our relationship in which I was ok with him finding someone else for sex (as long as I was informed about everything and had the opportunity to tell him whether I still felt comfortable with it before he proceeded), but he wasn't comfortable with me potentially sleeping with someone else. I was fine with this because I had no desire to sleep with anyone else anyway, and neither did he, actually, but I felt bad that he had needs that I couldn't fill so we found a solution in case that became a bigger problem. Now, I ended up breaking up with him before he had the opportunity to find another sexual partner, but that was for reasons completely unrelated to our sex life. 

11 hours ago, Undesirable said:

He doesn’t feel that sex is important and that my qualms are silly and unnecessary.

But this... it doesn't matter what's important to him. It matters what's important to YOU. Just because he doesn't have the same needs, doesn't mean yours aren't valid. If seeing a therapist is an option for you, I think that would be a good idea, because they can help you learn to express your needs and set boundaries that have consequences if someone crosses them. Ex: If you are going to tell me that my qualms are silly and unnecessary, then I am not going to continue this conversation until you are ready to show me that I'm important to you (maybe not that exactly because ending the conversation might actually reward him for ignoring your needs if that's the outcome he was hoping for.) Or couples counseling might be even better. Sometimes you need the right person to say something to get through to someone. Sometimes the right person isn't you. That was an extremely frustrating experience that I had with my ex a lot - but I realized that he was just never going to hear it *from me*. If someone who grew up on his block told him the same thing though, he'd take it seriously.

[uhtred]

Sadly your situation is all to familiar, and many people, including me, don't cope, they just live unhappy.   Sadly there are few choices:

 

Compromise, if the gap is not too large, but often it is too big

 

Have sex outside of the relationship, with or without permission.   For some people that works, but only for some. Some people are only sexually attracted to a single partner and part of a romantic relationship.  Some asexual people  are not comfortable with their partners having sex outside of the relationship and some sexual people do not find cheating to be acceptable.

 

Leave.   I truly think in many cases this is the best option - it allows both people to find someone compatible.

 

The one thing I would recommend NOT doing is waiting and hoping it will get better. It wont - as I can attest to after almost 40 years.  Don't do what I did. 

 

 

There is NOTHING wrong with your wanting passionate sex as part of a romantic relationship, and with it being important to you.  There is nothing wrong with his not wanting sex. The problem is the lack of compatibility