Partner gradually becoming “more asexual”

[lh3029]

Hello, 

I’m mostly writing here to get some insight into asexuality and some help with how I should proceed because my partner is asexual.

We’ve been together for over a year now and to give some understanding of the relationship, when we started dating she told me she was asexual. I respected this, I’ve previously had periods where my sexual drive is low or completely gone and when we started dating I hadn’t been in a relationship/hooked up with anyone for a couple years so I wasn’t a stranger to living in celibacy.

 

However pretty soon into the relationship she started initiating sex regularly to my surprise,  and for months our “sexual relationship” was very stable and she did enjoy it. I’ve read other threads where asexual partners would have sex despite them being sex-averse because they felt bad for their sexual partners or because of expectation to perform in a relationship. In our case, she told me she did enjoy sex with me. There have been times where she would, with friends, speak about previous sexual experiences and how she always felt disgusted afterwards. But in private when I asked her if I made her felt disgusted and if I’ve somehow unknowingly pressured her into having sex, she reassured me and said that she feels safe with me and that she enjoys it also saying that I’m the first person to make her feel sexual attraction like this.

 

Fast forward to about half a year ago and it started slowing down, we started not having sex as often. She would start rejecting advances and she would be uncomfortable talking about sex but she would still be physically affectionate, think hand-holding, cuddling and hugging and kissing. But we’ve been completely celibate for about 3 months now. I have stopped initiating sex to spare the uncomfortability of rejection for both parts. And during these 3 months it feels like she’s built up a kind of defensive routine when it comes to physical affection. It feels like she’s repulsed by any kind of touch or affection and wants to avoid encouraging it as much as possible. 
For example, if I’m hugging her she will act almost uninterested. Not hugging me back until I let go. There have been multiple times where I really needed a hug and I have to ask her to hug me back.

Another example is that in any situation where we are sitting/standing/laying down together she never looks at me or faces me, so I can’t kiss her.

And my reaction to this isn’t anger or irritation, I don’t want to make it seem like she HAS to let me show her affection if she doesn’t want to. In these situations I just feel uncomfortable and a little bit selfish realising she doesn’t feel what I do and that it must be uncomfortable for her too.

 

I have tried talking about the sex part to her when she first started rejecting me, I asked her if something happened that made her disgusted by sex, if it was something I did, if there’s anything I can do to make her feel more comfortable. But she didn’t have a clear answer, she just said that nothing has happened and that I can’t do anything about it. She also told me that she just gets periods like this and reminded me that she told me about it when I first started dating her. And it is fair, I did know about it when I started dating her but it felt different to face after months of having sex. 

 

And I understand that asexuality is a spectrum and that attraction and drive can vary from time to time but I can’t help but to feel some insecurity about her waning attraction.

She almost never compliments me anymore, never looks at me, the most affection she will show in a day is usually holding my hand. This is especially noticeable when we’re out with friends. She becomes very uncomfortable if I show any type of affection in front of other people. I feel unattractive and unwanted to put it simply. And I know I shouldn’t place my confidence in the hands of my partner but that’s a problem I myself have to work on. It almost feels like I’m having an unrequited crush on a best friend/roommate rather than a relationship. (Not saying that the only thing that differentiates a relationship from friendship is sex and affection I am simply speaking from my own experience in past relationships)

 

I don’t know where to go from here, I love her deeply and I don’t want to leave her at all. But I am conflicted about what to do, I enjoy sex but it’s not a dealbreaker to the point where I can’t go without it. It is mainly the more general affection part that I can’t go without. I’ve thought about our future if I come to terms with our current relationship dynamic. I’m in my 20s and I can’t really imagine living ~60 years with a partner that is adverse to affection but I simultaneously don’t want to let such a lovely person go because of this.

 

Obviously the next step is communication and talking to her about her aversion to physical affection but I don’t know what to say to her without sounding like I’m pushing her toward an ultimatum of letting go of her boundaries to make me happy or breaking up. I’m also still hanging on to the hope that she can maybe “go back” to how she was before and that this is a semi-temporary period that will come and go. And to clarify, I don’t care about her having sex with me again. I want her to go back to how affectionate she was before, the sex is completely unimportant compared to general affection. 

I know every situation is different but does anyone have experience in a relationship similar to this? Both sides are appreciated. Does the feeling swing back?  Is it possible to come to terms with otherwise? Are there any suggestions of compromise that don’t make my asexual partner uncomfortable?

 

Thank you for reading and for any potential advice/help. 

[leahcarn]

I know you probably aren't going to like to hear this, but communication really is the answer here 😉

 

For context, I am nearly 15 years married, with very varying levels of sexual activity/celibacy, and only realised I was ace in the past year.

 

One thing I wonder: when your partner first told you she was ace, did she spell out what that looks like for her specifically? Do you know where she thinks she is on a touch aversion scale (without external pressures)?

 

When my aversion levels were swinging most wildly, any sort of pressure or expectation from my partner made me close off more, and the more explicit boundaries we had discussed, the safer I felt. 

 

For example, it's harder to enjoy kissing if I'm worried it's going to lead on to bedroom activities, so it's easier to avoid the whole thing. 

 

We have at different times in our relationship been in situations of "please don't touch me at all unless I touch you first" 

"Platonic cuddling and hand holding only" 

Or other agreed boundaries that work with where I am. 

 

Maybe having a conversation and suggesting something like this will help her feel safe and happy. 

If she's feeling good and you're still not happy with the level of affection in the relationship then that's certainly a discussion to have, but I don't think you can evaluate that until you take all the pressure off, help her feel comfortable with you, and see what your relationship looks like then.

 

[Frameshift07]

49 minutes ago, lh3029 said:

I’m also still hanging on to the hope that she can maybe “go back” to how she was before and that this is a semi-temporary period that will come and go.

If the behaviour of your partner changes, you shouldn't bank on them changing back.

 

51 minutes ago, lh3029 said:

Obviously the next step is communication and talking to her about her aversion to physical affection but I don’t know what to say to her without sounding like I’m pushing her toward an ultimatum of letting go of her boundaries to make me happy or breaking up.

If this post tells me anything, it's that you already know what needs saying. It's not mean to say that the relationship is unfulfilling. You should communicate with her, and if she doesn't want to communicate, that  should be a dealbreaker in any kind of relationship.

[lh3029]

12 minutes ago, leahcarn said:

One thing I wonder: when your partner first told you she was ace, did she spell out what that looks like for her specifically? Do you know where she thinks she is on a touch aversion scale (without external pressures)?

No, not exactly. She was very nervous to tell me because I was one of the first people she came out to outside of her close friends since this was her first relationship in a long time. I think that's also why she didn't go that deep with her description of her experience being ace. She just told me she was ace and that she might not ever want to have sex. So I don't really know if she was touch-averse before we got together since she didn't bring it up.

 

20 minutes ago, leahcarn said:

When my aversion levels were swinging most wildly, any sort of pressure or expectation from my partner made me close off more, and the more explicit boundaries we had discussed, the safer I felt. 

 

For example, it's harder to enjoy kissing if I'm worried it's going to lead on to bedroom activities, so it's easier to avoid the whole thing. 

I did think about this a couple weeks ago because of her behaviour of covering/not showing her face to me. For example she's generally fine with cuddling before bed as long as she's facing away from me/I'm facing away from her. I also saw someone talking about it online and it does fit in pretty well with how she expresses her asexuality. I've noticed sometimes that if I give her more space she usually shows me affection on her own, and I can somewhat relate. Like I mentioned in my original post I did have a period where I myself was kind-of asexual and it did feel a little suffocating when I was in a relationship to have my partner show me lots of affection at once or very constantly.

It does sound like a good idea though! I will think about this when I bring it up to her though and give her more space in general.

[lh3029]

1 hour ago, Frameshift07 said:

If this post tells me anything, it's that you already know what needs saying. It's not mean to say that the relationship is unfulfilling. You should communicate with her, and if she doesn't want to communicate, that  should be a dealbreaker in any kind of relationship.

I did kind of realise that I knew better than I thought what I should say to her while in the middle of making this post, I am just really anxious lol

I still appreciate reading the different experiences from peopIe so I can prepare myself better for proposing solutions/helping her talk it through when I do tell her since I know from last time that she's not super comfortable talking about it, but it is something I can't keep to myself much longer and I do agree with your sentiment that the real dealbreaker is if she won't communicate with me. 
But I wouldn't say the relationship is unfulfilling, we go out often, we share a lot of interests and have a lot of fun together, she still is my best friend. It's just this one part of the relationship that's lacking and I want to try my hardest to make it work.

 

[Sally]

47 minutes ago, lh3029 said:

But I wouldn't say the relationship is unfulfilling, we go out often, we share a lot of interests and have a lot of fun together, she still is my best friend. It's just this one part of the relationship that's lacking and I want to try my hardest to make it work.

The one part that isn't working is what generally differentiates between a romantic/sexual relationship and friendship.  It's possible you'll have to get very specific when you try to talk with her, and ask her if her feelings toward you have turned into more of a very close friendship rather than what it started out being. 

[Olallieberry]

This is really common, we see a lot of these mis-matched relationships where everything's great except for this one issue.

 

Regarding communication:

You expressed a lot of plans to ask her stuff about what it's like on her side of things. But you should also be prepared to express yourself, too. Do you know about "love languages?" Do you know what yours is/are? It is OK for you to express that if your partner loves you and wants you to be aware of her love through her behaviors toward you, she should know what behaviors you appreciate and want. It doesn't have to be "sex," but if some part of that has to do with physical affection, then it is OK for you to express that to not get any is a real hardship for you. And similarly you should be aware of what behaviors she is doing which represent her own love language(s). It could be that you are missing some of the signals because you expect love to be expressed in a different way from how she expresses it.

 

I'm just going to be honest: The way you described your insecurity about her waning attraction, and the stuff she never does anymore, it made me think of two possibilities:

1. The first being that maybe she legit is no longer interested in you. Maybe doesn't love you anymore. Certainly is done with having a sexual relationship with you, and seems to be removing other forms of affection too. Maybe you're feeling like this is the case and that's why the way you wrote it made it sound this way.
2. The second possibility is that maybe these behaviors were always there, and you maybe didn't notice them before or weren't affected by them because one of your love languages was being stimulated, until the sex ended. 

 

Communication about love languages could help to resolve that second scenario, by helping you realize the ways in which she does continue to express love now that the physical one is gone. However, if the situation is the first one, then, well, love-languages won't do anything to fix that but communication hopefully could bring it out in the open so that if that's what's happening, it isn't a secret and the two of you can decide what to do about it.

 

Another thing I want to comment about is how you stopped initiating sex. That was a smart move. Did you discuss that with her, have you said to her that you are giving her that space and you intend to not initiate sex with her? The reason I'm asking is, if she doesn't know that those are your intentions, then, other physical affection could be making her worry about whether you're going to expect it to go anywhere. Will that hug lead to you getting horny and trying to escalate things sexually? If she doesn't know that that's not going to happen, then, she could be resisting physical affection in order to avoid escalation.

 

So, talking to her out loud about how she shouldn't have to worry about that expectation could really help her feel comfortable and relaxed about non-sexual physical affection. This has worked for me and for other couples we've met here in FSPFA.

 

You're doing a great job of being sensitive to your partner's boundaries and seeking to understand her. Please know that it is also imperative to be clear about your side of things, too: If you're suffering, say so. If you're confused, say so. If you feel neglected, unloved, unattractive, ask for understanding, ask for accommodation. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not the same as insecurity. If she's genuinely your loved-one, and you are hers,  then, this should be safe even if it seems scary. And progress can come as the result of being really transparent. Dare to say the things you're scared to say. Trust her to receive it and take it seriously. Sure, there's a risk that you'll discover that trusting her with it was a mistake, but, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to expose that, rather than try to proceed without being aware of her capacity to be a good, healthy, reliable partner to you?

 

 

[nanogretchen4]

If your partner's overall behavior is making you feel like you are having an unrequited crush on a best friend/roommate, you should probably pay attention to what your gut is telling you. When you can see that your sexual and/or romantic feelings are not requited, surely accepting reality and letting go of the relationship should be high on the list of responses you consider. If someone is just not that into you they're just not that into you, whether it is because of an incompatible orientation or not.

 

Break ups are a normal and common experience. They are painful, but most people grieve and eventually heal from multiple break ups, because it is rare to find a suitable life partner on the first try. If you know you don't want to spend the next sixty years in a platonic relationship, then you know a break up needs to happen eventually. And if you know a relationship needs to end, the kindest and most honest thing is to communicate that clearly to your partner.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@lh3029Hey. Often I would suggest putting sex off the table so that you both can focus on non-sexual intimacy, but this case seems different because not facing you to me would feel like lack of the personal connection I look for in intimacy. Don't get me wrong I love cuddling in whatever position but that's sensual, while the romantic side to me needs the personal intimacy and connection, and I would feel something seriously wrong if it was missing as much. Holding hands is nice though and I can feel that as pretty intimate, but it can also be casual.. so I really wonder what she's feeling behind. I do think you need to try to understand how it is for sure.. and if you look to try to understand then it shouldn't feel like trying to pressure her into anything, but simply understanding. 

 

I think a long-term relationship is worth taking enough time to talk and try to figure things out together, but I will say that if she has that barrier up and it doesn't go down, that's a blockage in the relationship too. It's really important to talk and make sense of things together. Eventually you might have to make a big decision on what's worth a relationship to you though in any case.

[Rynn]

7 hours ago, lh3029 said:

And to clarify, I don’t care about her having sex with me again. I want her to go back to how affectionate she was before, the sex is completely unimportant compared to general affection. 

Tell her this. I've heard a lot of aces say they avoid affection because of what it could lead to. If she knows it's not going to lead to sex, she may feel more free to engage in affection.

Or maybe that's not it, I'm not in her brain.

[nanogretchen4]

Don't tell her that unless it's the truth. Think long and hard before you make promises you won't be able to keep.

 

You have only gone three months in a sexless relationship, and it sounds like, actually, you do care quite a bit that she's stopped having sex with you. My impression is that you think you should be a noble martyr who is willing to never have sex again for the rest of your life, but deep down you are still telling yourself that this is a dry spell that will soon blow over, and once it passes you will have a "normal" sex life from then on. That's extremely unlikely to happen in real life.

 

Generally speaking, once an asexual starts finding sex unsustainable, telling them that you are willing to wait until they are ready doesn't help, because they will never be ready. However considerate and patient you try to be, she will know that you are waiting for something that she never wants to happen. And deep down she knows that a sexless mixed orientation relationship has an expiration date. On some level she will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Don't tell her that unless it's the truth. Think long and hard before you make promises you won't be able to keep.

The way they expressed it, it's not a promise, it's a feeling. An attitude. A desire.

 

And feelings can change. After all, they're on the other end of that, theirself, aren't they.

 

They can say this without guaranteeing that it will be "the truth" for the next 60 years.

But I completely agree about not making promises..

[Olallieberry]

 

12 hours ago, lh3029 said:

I’m in my 20s and I can’t really imagine living ~60 years with a partner that is adverse to affection but I simultaneously don’t want to let such a lovely person go because of this.

How bad do you want it? Choices you make today will be a lot harder to un-do in a decade or two, if you mature and find yourself recognizing that you continue to suffer with a fundamentally incompatible partner.

 

Lots of people are lovely.

 

Breakups suck, but only for a while. The alternative could suck forever - and worse