Trying to Navigate an allo and ace relationship

[Canucker]

☹️ Currenly in a long term marriage of 13 years and a total of 18 years together with my recently having come out asexual wife. We have 2 children andI have been stuck for months in how to navigate how we process and what the next steps are. I have read forum after forum and blog after blog, listened to numerous podcasts ect..I know I am in a loosing battle. We are currently seeking couples counseling, we have recently moved towards a new therapist that deals mostly with sexual intimacy. My wife is sex repulsed and disgusted at the thought of sexual touch, however she doesn't use those words, but essentially that is what she is. She is agaisnt or unwilling to compromise at all in any form, I am unwilling to give up sexual intimacy for the rest of my life as it is important to me, neither of us really like the idea of an open marriage or divorse/separating. So again we are stuck and just lost and unsure what or where to go. Can anyone offer any other alternatives? Advice? or is it just hopeless at this point.

[Olallieberry]

Hi,

 

It's not hopeless, but

 

You have figured out the only options.

 

1 hour ago, Canucker said:

neither of us really like the idea of an open marriage or divorse/separating.

And between the two of you, you really dislike the ideas of having sex and of celibacy.

 

The reason I say "it's not hopeless" is because right now you feel stuck. And stuck is one of the worst feelings. And some of us in this situation basically choose to stay stuck. But that's a choice - we could almost call it the fifth option.

 

Just know what choosing to stay stuck is:

 

Choosing to stay stuck is really choosing to see it get worse and worse and worse for you individually as the years and decades roll on.

 

Choosing to stay stuck is choosing to keep doing what you have been doing, which isn't working. I don't know what that has been like for you, but usually how it winds up is, a sexless marriage where the asexual person has what they want and the other person doesn't. It sounds like this is where you're stuck - and this is where you'll stay if you don't choose another option.

 

That's why I say it isn't hopeless. As long as you keep trying to figure something out, as long as you keep taking all of the possible options seriously instead of just throwing up your hands and saying they're all impossible, you aren't stuck. You're exploring.

 

I was in a similar position to yourself. One difference is that my wife wasn't 100% unwilling to do anything sexual. So we explored that. And the "sex" she was willing to participate in wasn't something I was willing to participate in. It wasn't coerced, her willingness was genuine, but, it wasn't mutual, it wasn't exciting, it wasn't sexy. It wasn't satisfying. So I wound up being the one to just once and for all say that sex between us isn't an option. But we had to explore that. And now we know - it isn't just guesses and what-ifs, we explored it and now we know. But we weren't stuck.

 

What was/is not different is that, like you, I also won't "play along" with an expectation of celibacy. That is not an option. For a while, I also stated it the same way as you: "I won't be celibate for the rest of my life." But that's pretty unspecific and open ended. I had to really think about, well, how long WILL I be celibate in order to work through figuring out what we're going to do and when we're going to do it?

 

So one piece of advice I would offer you is, have an end game in mind. Have some kind of a limited, finite duration in mind, beyond which you will be prepared to defend your boundary. Think about what defending that boundary will look like, for you.

 

Exploring this will be part of not staying stuck.

 

Because, being stuck really is just about the worst.

 

It isn't hopeless. It isn't going to be perfect and it isn't going to be painless. But it isn't hopeless.

[Canucker]

Thank you for honesty and opinions and for sharing your personal experiences. I resonate with everything you have said, and I am at that stage now where I have said to myself and my wife that I/we are stuck and we need to find a way to get unstuck and I am open and willing to see what that will mean or look like, however I'm not sure she is at that stage and is unwilling at this moment to navigate farther and is more at the stage of like you said throw her hands up and say I don't know what to do. I know and realize this is all fresh and new and a scary journey to be on for not only herself but for us a couple, so I've given space and time to seek and heal and understand, but now I'm at the point that I need to know the end game so to speak.

[Sally]

3 hours ago, Canucker said:

My wife is sex repulsed and disgusted at the thought of sexual touch, however she doesn't use those words, but essentially that is what she is. She is agaisnt or unwilling to compromise at all in any form,

If she is indeed repulsed and feels disgusted at the thought of sex, but you are unwilling to continue with a marriage for the rest of your life where there is no sex, then it's unlikely that there can be a compromise.  Compromise means each of you get a little of what you want, but not everything.  For someone who is repulsed, even a little sex -- and not as much as you want -- sounds not possible.   As an asexual who compromised for many years with a partner whom I loved very much, I could do so because I was not repulsed.  I doubt if I could have done so if I'd felt like your partner.  Try to imagine doing something that disgusted you -- and doing it over and over and over -- and you can probably see how compromise may not be what will work out between the two of you.  Working on sexual intimacy can work if there's no question of one partner feeling strong dislike to sex; otherwise, it just doesn't.