Girlfriend is ace, how do I be a good allo boyfriend?

[throwawayneedadvice]

Firstly I'll apologize right off the bat for any grammatical errors since I'm typing this from my phone. Hopefully shouldnt be too much of an issue

 

For some background, I actually used to be ace myself for a very long time until I startlingly developed sexual attraction at 17-18 and its been on a tear since. I met my girlfriend back when we were 14 and begun dating just a little over a year ago when we were 20. This past year, while there have been some bumps, there's been no intimacy issues or anything like that and honestly I could see her being my soulmate as cheesy as that sounds. She's so smart and funny, and honestly we both just make each other 10 times happier. 

 

The other night, I had tried to kind of sweet talk her about a fantasy I had, and it turned into a conversation about her sexuality and the feelings she would have while being intimate. We sort of compared notes and came to the conclusion she's panromantic asexual but still sex positive. For a long time, since I had my own experiences being ace, I always thought itd be ridiculous if something like that would ever change anything about my romantic attraction, and if I ever had an ace partner, I'd just be satisfied doing stuff on my own time.

 

However, as the days have gone by, I do feel a little put off. Not by being with her, but rather if this whole time I've been treating her right. I used to lurk here a lot when I was younger, and no shade to the allos who come on here, but I never wanted to be one of those husbands who kinda forced their wives into doing routine sex with them to make it work. She's also trans, so that adds a layer of pressure I'm worried she feels she has to succumb to to fit in. Often times when stuff like that does occur between us, it's usually her initiating, but it's also usually during activities I think she's come to think MUST = sex ie cuddling, making out, etc. when really I'm just autistic as hell and love being physically close to her. 

 

And honestly, although I'll probably always be attracted to her, my desire to have sex knowing she doesn't feel that way about me kinda evaporates- which is also the part I'm worried about. As I mentioned before, she's sex positive and I feel like I need to break it to her eventually how this makes me feel, but I don't want to make her sad or feel like somehow this is a "downgrade" in the relationship for me. I still love her so deeply beyond sex that thinking about losing her over this kind of conversation brings me to tears. 

 

So please asexuals of AVEN, I need your advice. What kind of words should I avoid? Is there a good way I can prepare for this? And if it goes well, are there long-term displays off affection I could do to show I love her that feel as intimate as sex? I just wanna be a good partner to her, but I don't have anyone in my life I can go to for advice on this kind of thing 💔

[Philip027]

You need to ask yourself if you trust her and feel like she's being genuine with you.  Relationships ultimately come down to trust.  Without trust, there is no relationship.

 

From my perspective, there doesn't really seem to be much that's "wrong", mostly just you worrying that there might be.

 

14 minutes ago, throwawayneedadvice said:

but I never wanted to be one of those husbands who kinda forced their wives into doing routine sex with them to make it work.

I'm not really seeing where you're forcing her to do anything?  I mean, you say she's mostly the one initiating, and she doesn't seem opposed to the act.

 

As an ace person myself in a mixed relationship, sex isn't something that I go along with simply for my partner's sake.  Just about anything that makes my partner happy is something that I'll want to go along with if I feel able, because their happiness is also my own.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Just by the way... please don't use the term "sex-positive" to mean "open to having sex" (since I suppose that this is what you meant), because it's not what this term really means. "Sex-positive" means only a political stance on sex, and avoiding misuse is important for the sake of sex-positive asexuals who aren't sex-favourable as well ("sex-favourable" is what you probably meant). I'm not sex positive myself, but... I guess that, similarly, I switched from identifying as sex-neutral (I still mean political stances, of course) to sex-negative because "sex-neutral" is even more often used to mean "sex-indifferent". And this is something I'm definitely not, in terms of personal attitudes about sex I'm absolutely sex-averse and proud to accept myself and to be uncompromising, committed to celibacy for life.

Anyway, this is something it would still be useful to talk about. I mean... if your girlfriend was actually sex-averse, it probably would become visible in some way. But still, many asexuals believe that they cannot expect a relationship without sex, that they don't even have a right to expect it, because people who are in the minority should supposedly be the ones to compromise, that they have to choose between "sexual compromise" and no relationships at all (well, at least I would without the tiniest moment of hesitation choose the latter... although I'm not the best comparison anyway, because I only want relationships theoretically, in practice I'm so introverted to be very much not suited to any kind of paired lifestyle)... and so they might convince themselves that they are fine with having sex when it is not always true. I believe that it would be beneficial to everyone to stop thinking of sex as default, to make it a norm that every relationship should include, early on, a conversation about sex and that not wanting to have sex should be considered just an option just as normal. But for asexuals it's even more important, and it's best to be sure whether your girlfriend genuinely doesn't mind sex, or perhaps is convincing herself that she shouldn't.

[Ceebs]

The way for you to be a good boyfriend to her -- and for her to be a good girlfriend to you, which is equally as important -- is to always be honest with each other when it comes to feelings, wants, needs, boundaries, what's working and what's not, if anything changes, etc. Just always practise openness with each other, so that you know you can trust what the other person is saying to be true. It doesn't guarantee that things will work out over the long term (nothing can do that, for any couple of any orientation), but it does increase the chances. And at the very least, if you ended up discovering it wasn't working well in fulfilling either or both of your needs, you'd know that you gave it the very best shot possible and that you did so with love and respect. There's nothing a person can do in a relationship that's greater than that somehow.

[throwawayneedadvice]

3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm not really seeing where you're forcing her to do anything?  I mean, you say she's mostly the one initiating, and she doesn't seem opposed to the act.

 

As an ace person myself in a mixed relationship, sex isn't something that I go along with simply for my partner's sake.  Just about anything that makes my partner happy is something that I'll want to go along with if I feel able, because their happiness is also my own.

What I meant by that was just that I plan on being in a long term relationship with her, and over time I would not want her to feel resentful towards me if she was just doing it for me and not getting any self-satisfaction out of it. I would also not want to become reliant on needing sex from her if it stayed in our routine to the point where it would frustrate me if I went a long time without it.

 

What I'm mainly getting at is that I don't need sex to be happy in this relationship with her, and honestly I'm not sure if I would even want it if she doesn't feel those kinds of feeling towards me, but I wasn't sure how to approach her with this information. I don't want her to feel like she's somehow missing out on some intimate or important part of relationships

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, throwawayneedadvice said:

I would also not want to become reliant on needing sex from her if it stayed in our routine to the point where it would frustrate me if I went a long time without it.

This is not really something you can control. I mean, well, it is, you don’t ever have to rely on her for sex - that absolutely is a decision, a choice, you can make. You will not be able to simply decide whether you desire sex at all - you will find out whether you will desire it or not, but you can’t simply decide it. You can’t decide today, and you won’t be able to decide in the future when you discover whether the desire is compelling or not.
 

This is your sexual orientation we’re talking about - you don’t choose it, any more than anyone else chooses theirs. You have to anticipate that you will discover it as you go, and you have to anticipate that what you discover might not match what you’re hoping for, today.
 

4 hours ago, throwawayneedadvice said:

honestly I'm not sure if I would even want it if she doesn't feel those kinds of feeling towards me

You might not. I, a sexual person, stopped, with my asexual wife. She has some willingness, but willingness is not desire, and it doesn’t work for me to just receive her performance.

 

This doesn’t mean I am celibate. I just don’t have sex with her. This is a consensual and mutual matter between us, and it’s because I found I cannot live the rest of my life celibate, and I also cannot live on the kind of unwanted sex you’re describing. And we love each other and don't want to split up.

 

That was a hard resolution to a hard situation. You might or might not have an equally hard time in your future. I really think that you can’t make decisions today based on anticipating being OK the rest of your life with concessions you think are worth it, presently. Many of us in these mis-matched relationships do make those concessions because we think it’s worth it, and find out after some years or decades that it really wasn’t, or, at least, it isn’t any longer.

 

So, just anticipate that you will probably have to revisit this in the future if you do presently believe that everything will be fine. For a while, it probably will. It’s possible that it will be, forever. But if you aren’t asexual, yourself, it’s somewhat unlikely that it won’t become a pressing matter some time later.

 

There have been some asexuals responding to your questions above. I’m not one, but you did post in the section For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies, and I think it’s important for you to look at the perspective of the sexual partner’s side of things too. My experience won’t be exactly like your experience, so, I’m not insisting that you two will have to make the same decisions my spouse and I have, but, look around this section for other sexual partners’ experiences too.

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, Ceebs said:

The way for you to be a good boyfriend to her -- and for her to be a good girlfriend to you, which is equally as important -- is to always be honest with each other when it comes to feelings, wants, needs, boundaries, what's working and what's not, if anything changes, etc.

Agreed.

 

@throwawayneedadvice Do not spend your life hiding feelings because you're afraid of how she'll react to them. I mean, there are different ways you can talk about it, some of which are kinder to the other person than other ways are, but it is not kind to the other person or to yourself to bury them and never express them.

[Aro-Acing It]

I'd say just like be a good ace ally in general, so don't say aphobic things like, "You just haven't met the right person yet." Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, be open about discussing boundaries in your relationship, and if she's interested, find her some resources on asexuality or ace communities to help her feel less alone. Introduce her to AVEN if she'd be comfortable. Treat her like a good girlfriend and try not to say anything that could be interpreted as offensive. If you do mess up, apologize and move on!

[throwawayneedadvice]

7 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Just by the way... please don't use the term "sex-positive" to mean "open to having sex" (since I suppose that this is what you meant), because it's not what this term really means. "Sex-positive" means only a political stance on sex, and avoiding misuse is important for the sake of sex-positive asexuals who aren't sex-favourable as well ("sex-favourable" is what you probably meant). I'm not sex positive myself, but... I guess that, similarly, I switched from identifying as sex-neutral (I still mean political stances, of course) to sex-negative because "sex-neutral" is even more often used to mean "sex-indifferent". And this is something I'm definitely not, in terms of personal attitudes about sex I'm absolutely sex-averse and proud to accept myself and to be uncompromising, committed to celibacy for life.

Anyway, this is something it would still be useful to talk about. I mean... if your girlfriend was actually sex-averse, it probably would become visible in some way. But still, many asexuals believe that they cannot expect a relationship without sex, that they don't even have a right to expect it, because people who are in the minority should supposedly be the ones to compromise, that they have to choose between "sexual compromise" and no relationships at all (well, at least I would without the tiniest moment of hesitation choose the latter... although I'm not the best comparison anyway, because I only want relationships theoretically, in practice I'm so introverted to be very much not suited to any kind of paired lifestyle)... and so they might convince themselves that they are fine with having sex when it is not always true. I believe that it would be beneficial to everyone to stop thinking of sex as default, to make it a norm that every relationship should include, early on, a conversation about sex and that not wanting to have sex should be considered just an option just as normal. But for asexuals it's even more important, and it's best to be sure whether your girlfriend genuinely doesn't mind sex, or perhaps is convincing herself that she shouldn't.

First off thank you so much for the informative comment :0! It's been a long time since I was fully in the asexual community and talking to others, so it's possible the terms were different back then or I got misinformed; either way, thank you for the correction. My girlfriend definitely doesn't seem sex-averse necessarily, but there's a lot about the act that does displease her that leads me to think it's more of a hassle for her than something she wants more than other activities we'd normally do [garden, play videogames, etc.], which is also part of why I want to talk to her about at least not doing it as much/not doing it at all. 

 

And you're right about sex being considered the default! When I was younger, I put myself in some dangerous situations/unhealthy relationships because I was convinced that- despite knowing I was asexual at the time- I could only have a happy and loving relationship if it involved sex. This is naturally a ridiculous notion, humans are capable of great complexity far beyond the singular facet of liking or disliking sex... I mean even look within the asexual community itself, there are people all over with their own microlabels to describe the nuance of how they feel despite being considered such a small group of people themselves! 

 

Anyways thank you for the advice, I definitely will try to be tactful and figure out more details on how she feels before I try talking to her about stopping those kind of activities. 

 

PS, Miss Everywhere & Nowhere, you should know that my girlfriend and I are also extremely introverted people- if you crave the paired lifestyle with another introvert, I wish you luck in finding it for yourself too :]

[nanogretchen4]

Either a sexless relationship is going to work out for you in the longterm or it is not going to work out. Either you want her to keep having sex with you that you know she does not desire or you do not want that. 

 

If you are serious about preferring a sexless relationship over either breaking up or accepting undesired maintenance sex, go ahead and have the talk with her. Tell her that going forward you just want to cuddle and make out but you don't want it to lead to sex. Since she is asexual, I doubt very much that being able to stop having sex yet continue to enjoy a romantic relationship with no other changes would be a bad thing for her. That sounds like the asexual dream, to be honest.

[throwawayneedadvice]

I apologize as well to not be able to address what everyone's saying since there's a big cool down limit between replies, but I do appreciate all your advice! These are a lot of perspectives I hadn't put into consideration and I'm honestly kinda surprised with the many responses I've gotten just so far. I'm planning on talking to my girlfriend tonight during a chill movie night so hopefully if our communication and trust is as good as I tout hopefully it'll go well :] ❤️ 

[Olallieberry]

8 hours ago, throwawayneedadvice said:

I feel like I need to break it to her eventually how this makes me feel, but I don't want to make her sad or feel like somehow this is a "downgrade" in the relationship for me

You might not need to say you feel like not having sex with her.

 

We all just talked about communication, but this is one of those things where it might not necessarily come out kindly to say it, and, the reason I say you might not have to say it is - what if you don't, and instead you just stop having sex? You just don't respond to her initiation, and you just keep cuddling chastely instead? Before long, a pattern will develop, and she probably won't even think about it. The two of you would just settle in to a new habit of cuddling without either of you thinking that that means it's a signal for sex to happen.

 

You'll both get where you'd like/prefer to be, without having to say something out loud like "I don't want that kind of sex." There is no non-awkward way to say something like that.

Ask me how I know! 🤣 Yeah - I have said it. It worked out all right, but to this day I think it might have been more graceful for me to have taken my own advice, not said it out loud, and just let it happen until it was clear that there would be no sex between us.

[throwawayneedadvice]

I noticed there were a couple people still following this, and since you guys all helped me put some ideas together I thought I might as well give an update. She and I are very much still together :]! I talked to her pretty soon after my last message here and it went really great. She and I agreed for the most part that we might still do it if we just happen to have that kind of energy/time to ourselves, but for the most part we wanna focus on other activities we like doing together that are also very emotionally fulfilling. I wanted to wait a few weeks to see how stuff would shake out, and it's honestly been even better than it has in the past. The subject is a lot less taboo and weird between us, and we exchange questions plenty about how the experience is different for each other. We even went to a little pride event near us and she was very tickled that I started bringing her free asexual pride items that I could snag from stands. 

 

This experience honestly reminded me that I need to remember more about how I felt when I was asexual, and that there's a good chance those feelings applies to how she feels. I remember also finding sex a generally enjoyable activity even if I wasn't into the other person like that, and it was silly to think she wouldn't feel similarly, especially since we are pretty romantically invested in each other hehe. 

 

Anyways, thank you everyone! I will likely not be around that much, but I appreciate all the kind messages and read through every one. Stay safe out there and have a good week!