Trying to conceive with my asexual (?) partner

[2ndHandBarbie]

I (36f) have been with my partner (45m) for 8 years. For several years I have suspected he is asexual, but that understanding took a long time to come to. Years of hurt feelings, rejection and confusion. Once I realized that he may be asexual, I found great comfort in the idea. So much so that I am afraid to broach the subject with him for several reasons;

• Sex is a loaded subject, early in our relationship it automatically put his back up and inevitably lead to a fight. Since removing sex from the equation we have found a better balance.
• I know his knee-jerk reaction will be to deny it, he takes a long time to adjust to any new idea and I know this is a big one. 
• If he is asexual it I don't think he has come to terms with that idea, and I don't want to force him to come out if he's not ready.
• If he says he isn't I know it will bring up a lot of very painful feelings I have dealt with since having coming to the understanding myself.
• A label won't change anything, I love him and I love our life, I long ago made the decision that having him in my life is way more important than having sex.

The issue is that we have been talking about having children for the last year. Previously we had both been on the fence about kids, one of the things we talked about early in our relationship, and I was of the belief that only people who REALLY want kids should have them and I wasn't sure if that was us. Then my biological clock started screaming at me so I broached the subject, his response was way more enthusiastic than I expected. 

Since this was such a huge change in perspective, we agreed to give ourselves a few months to think about it before we started trying (vaguely discussing it wouldn't be the 'traditional' way). During the cooling off period, I discovered some health issues that put trying on hold. Now, I have a clean bill of health, and know for sure that I want to have a child with him.

Now I'm approaching my 37th birthday and feel like the time to do this is now. I've been researching at-home-insemination, which seems like a good starting place, but I want conception to be something we do together. How do I do that without making it about sex? Is that even possible?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @2ndHandBarbie.

It's good that you're being considerate around how he feels and not needing to label him and everything. Communication is still important though, and it really will just have to be down to that for seeing what the best approach is for him and you.  Kids are a commitment. If you're serious about it, and you really feel you don't need sex then I say go for it, but make sure he's onboard and not just enthusiastic about the idea of it. Maybe you can have a sit-down talk .. like say you'd really like to have a serious talk about it, and talk about the future of it and the responsibility, and really make sure he's sure, and you can insert and ask what he's like for the method because you're open to trying a non-sexual method. I don't know how else to go about it when it's all important to talk through.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, 2ndHandBarbie said:

How do I do that without making it about sex? Is that even possible?

You mentioned at-home insemination.

 

Did you mean, with donor semen? Not your partner's?

 

I don't see a way to ask him to provide you some without making it about sex. Even if the "non sexual" way to achieve that is for him to go in a room with the door closed and come out with your sample, he's doing something sexual in there, and, there will be a giant elephant in the room which nobody will be unaware of even if you don't talk about it.

 

I guess this could work. Once the job's done and you have conceived, maybe neither of you ever talk about it again and forget you ever had to have that talk.

 

On the other hand:

2 hours ago, 2ndHandBarbie said:

vaguely discussing it wouldn't be the 'traditional' way

Can you say more? Who brought that up, him or you? What was the unspoken assumptions behind the vagueness? Did the other person understand the same unspoken assumption as the one who brought it up? 

 

Did you arrive at a method, or is that the part which was vague? (Presumably in addition to being vague about why "traditional" wouldn't be an option in the first place)

 

Anyway, beyond the "how to conceive" parts:

 

2 hours ago, 2ndHandBarbie said:

Years of hurt feelings, rejection and confusion

You didn't say whether you have ever expressed this to him. You did show that you have allowed him to shut down loaded conversations for years. It makes me wonder whether this is even a relationship which is healthy to bring kids up in, at all.

 

I don't have a judgement about this, just some thought provoking questions. You certainly don't have to answer them here, if they bring up sensitive reactions for you. And I may not be describing the situation accurately. All I'm going off of is your very brief message. Here goes:

 

In your own life and in his own life, did one or both of you grow up with behavior like this being modeled for you while you were kids, yourselves? Did one or both of you witness one parent martyring their needs and feelings for the sake of keeping the peace with the volatile other parent? Did you watch one parent pushing back HARD against stuff they didn't want to talk about, and hiding their feelings with defensiveness and triggered lash-outs instead of expressing their own needs maturely and clearly?

 

If so, what would your feelings, and his, be today about a child today having to endure such an environment growing up?

 

If the feelings were negative, are you willing to repeat that cycle?

[Doctor]

3 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I don't see a way to ask him to provide you some without making it about sex. Even if the "non sexual" way to achieve that is for him to go in a room with the door closed and come out with your sample, he's doing something sexual in there, and, there will be a giant elephant in the room which nobody will be unaware of even if you don't talk about it.

To be fair on this point, from what I've seen, many asexuals don't view masturbation as "sexual" when compared to sex(ual intercourse). Definitions vs. connotations, that sort of thing. Of course, only OP knows if even talking about self-stimulation, especially in a end goal-oriented rather than attraction-oriented, indefinitely timed way, is possible with her partner. Communication is indeed key.

[Olallieberry]

7 minutes ago, Doctor said:

To be fair on this point, from what I've seen, many asexuals don't view masturbation as sexual when compared to sex(ual intercourse). Definitions vs. connotations, that sort of thing. Of course, only OP knows if even talking about self-stimulation, especially in a end goal-oriented rather than attraction-oriented, indefinitely timed way, is possible with her partner. Communication is indeed key.

Sure, but "sex," more specifically the absence of it, is still going to be the unspoken topic of the conversation. "You're going to do this because we aren't going to do that." You're still talking about "that" — or, more to the point, actively avoiding talking about "that." That's the elephant in the room.

[Doctor]

1 minute ago, Olallieberry said:

Sure, but "sex," more specifically the absence of it, is still going to be the unspoken topic of the conversation. "You're going to do this because we aren't going to do that." You're still talking about "that" — or, more to the point, actively avoiding talking about "that." That's the elephant in the room.

I have to be honest,  it's easy for me to envision such a conversation without making any comparison to intercourse, eg. (very crudely) "I want to have a child with half your genes and half mine. I need a sample of your sperm in order to fertilise one of my eggs. Please let me know when you have a sample ready for me." I personally forget sex exists most of the time until someone brings it up directly, and speaking about reproduction does not bring it to mind until someone makes an explicit connection. But of course, I am only talking about myself as a singular asexual person.

[Olallieberry]

3 minutes ago, Doctor said:

I have to be honest,  it's easy for me to envision such a conversation without making any comparison to intercourse, eg. (very crudely) "I want to have a child with half your genes and half mine. I need a sample of your sperm in order to fertilise one of my eggs. Please let me know when you have a sample ready for me." I personally forget sex exists most of the time until someone brings it up directly, and speaking about reproduction does not bring it to mind until someone makes an explicit connection. But of course, I am only talking about myself as a singular asexual person.

It's not "making a comparison" at all. It's just 100% unavoidable that talking about conception and how to achieve it without intercourse is still talking about intercourse.

 

And if you are going to have that conversation without talking about intercourse then that doesn't mean that intercourse isn't part of the conversation, it means you're avoiding talking about it out loud.

 

Especially with this particular couple, who have done quite a lot of gymnastics around this without ever just coming out and saying "we aren't having intercourse and we aren't going to and that's the reason we're talking about" at-home insemination or fertility services or whatever else.

 

It's an elephant in the room because so much is going unspoken — but it's still there, in the conversation. It's the thing they're talking around because they can't bring themselves to just say it.

[Frameshift07]

9 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

12 minutes ago, Doctor said:

26 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

35 minutes ago, Doctor said:

4 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I don't see a way to ask him to provide you some without making it about sex. Even if the "non sexual" way to achieve that is for him to go in a room with the door closed and come out with your sample, he's doing something sexual in there, and, there will be a giant elephant in the room which nobody will be unaware of even if you don't talk about it.

To be fair on this point, from what I've seen, many asexuals don't view masturbation as "sexual" when compared to sex(ual intercourse). Definitions vs. connotations, that sort of thing. Of course, only OP knows if even talking about self-stimulation, especially in a end goal-oriented rather than attraction-oriented, indefinitely timed way, is possible with her partner. Communication is indeed key.

Sure, but "sex," more specifically the absence of it, is still going to be the unspoken topic of the conversation. "You're going to do this because we aren't going to do that." You're still talking about "that" — or, more to the point, actively avoiding talking about "that." That's the elephant in the room.

 

I have to be honest,  it's easy for me to envision such a conversation without making any comparison to intercourse, eg. (very crudely) "I want to have a child with half your genes and half mine. I need a sample of your sperm in order to fertilise one of my eggs. Please let me know when you have a sample ready for me." I personally forget sex exists most of the time until someone brings it up directly, and speaking about reproduction does not bring it to mind until someone makes an explicit connection. But of course, I am only talking about myself as a singular asexual person.

It's not "making a comparison" at all. It's just 100% unavoidable that talking about conception and how to achieve it without intercourse is still talking about intercourse.

 

And if you are going to have that conversation without talking about intercourse then that doesn't mean that intercourse isn't part of the conversation, it means you're avoiding talking about it out loud.

 

Especially with this particular couple, who have done quite a lot of gymnastics around this without ever just coming out and saying "we aren't having intercourse and we aren't going to and that's the reason we're talking about" at-home insemination or fertility services or whatever else.

 

It's an elephant in the room because so much is going unspoken — but it's still there, in the conversation. It's the thing they're talking around because they can't bring themselves to just say it.

Semantics semantics semantics. The thing that actually matters here is that a lot of ace people find artificial insemination more appealing than doing a whole song and dance in bed for every attempt, right?

[Doctor]

48 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

It's not "making a comparison" at all. It's just 100% unavoidable that talking about conception and how to achieve it without intercourse is still talking about intercourse.

 

And if you are going to have that conversation without talking about intercourse then that doesn't mean that intercourse isn't part of the conversation, it means you're avoiding talking about it out loud.

 

Especially with this particular couple, who have done quite a lot of gymnastics around this without ever just coming out and saying "we aren't having intercourse and we aren't going to and that's the reason we're talking about" at-home insemination or fertility services or whatever else.

 

It's an elephant in the room because so much is going unspoken — but it's still there, in the conversation. It's the thing they're talking around because they can't bring themselves to just say it.

The point of my previous post is that for an asexual person who forgets sex exists at all and is tied with the reproductive process until somebody brings it up directly, it's not an elephant in the room. It's not in the room at all.

 

It's only in the room for those who have it tied in their minds with the concept of reproduction, which isn't everyone. OP has it on her mind. Her partner may or may not.

[Philip027]

What is meant by his "enthusiastic" response?  What is he willing / not willing to do with regard to conception?  Figuring that out seems like the main starting point.

 

5 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

I don't see a way to ask him to provide you some without making it about sex. Even if the "non sexual" way to achieve that is for him to go in a room with the door closed and come out with your sample, he's doing something sexual in there, and, there will be a giant elephant in the room which nobody will be unaware of even if you don't talk about it.

This.

 

Whether he's ace or not doesn't really change this.  Either way, he's not a child and he's got to be aware of what is generally done in order to conceive.

[nanogretchen4]

If your partner actually wants to raise a child with you, and he also wants to be the genetic father of that child, then you are going to need to have a frank and specific talk about the logistics of making this happen. Couples who are trying to conceive through sexual intercourse have to have PiV sex within a specific time window whether or not they are in the mood. Especially when there are fertility issues and the couple keeps trying and failing for many months, this can be a very stressful and unsexy process. If you are planning to conceive by artificial insemination, at least your partner doesn't have to have sex. However, he still has to produce the necessary genetic material within a specific time window whether he is in the mood or not, and he might need to do this for many consecutive months. Not only does he have to participate productively in a discussion about this reality, but also he has to follow through consistently until pregnancy results. If either of those things does not happen, you should probably have a talk about whether he is really, truly committed to raising a child with you before you pursue IVF or adoption with your current partner.