Non-a-spec Looking for Answers

[FormerPartner]

Reposting to this sub-forum because I didn't find the right one at first, sorry!

Hi Folks,

Two days ago, my (M23) partner (F22) of four and a half years asked us to end the relationship. I'm happy to have been the one to grow with her and be the one to support her through the difficulties she's faced and the trauma that she's experienced. I'm also so proud of her for feeling comfortable coming to me. But, even with all of that said, I'm still devastated. I do not hate her. In fact, I love her. But, I know it is best for both of us, which makes it so hard. We will still be living together out of necessity for at least another month and potentially longer, depending on the grace of our landlord.

She has come to the tentative conclusion that she is a panromantic asexual. I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with that, and I'm really proud of her for coming to that conclusion, and I'm glad I was the one to help her realize that.
The answers I seek can really only be answered by her. But, because everything is still so new to both of us, and there is a supportive community here that has already taught me a lot in just the day or two I've lurked, I decided to create an account and reach out for support.

I want to be supportive of her. We are still best friends, and she still wants me in her life. But she has fallen out of love with me, and that is okay. I do not blame or hate her for her feelings and emotions. But, damn is it hard to live separate our lives that have been so intertwined for years. There were a lot of things that made me think that she felt the exact opposite, such as constantly talking about marriage or wanting us to constantly touch. Now, I realize it was to try and "fix" or force her to feel a different way. It hurts to look back now and realize what the reason behind all of it was. I don't regret the time we spent together or the lives we've shared. I just regret not being able to spend the rest of our time together.

 

It's hard for me to process. Essentially, I'm just trying to understand what level of romance she seeks. She isn't yet able to define what romance means to her. I'm trying to help her figure that out and show that I still care by providing information I've gained from this forum so that she can make informed decisions on what it all means to her. She has a crush. She likes having crushes. She wishes she were "normal" so that they could still be in a relationship. I have made it clear that it is okay that she is different than me and that her feelings have matured over our relationship. Do both she and I wish she had spoken up about it when she first started questioning? Absolutely. But, she tried to brave through it and just "fix" her feelings, for which I am grateful, but so disheartened by. She makes it clear it is not my fault. I still feel guilty.

I just keep repeating affirmations: "It takes time. It's okay." 

I should seek therapy, which I know and plan on doing, if I can afford/access it. I'm all over the place with this thread, and I'm sorry. If nothing else, this lets me speak into the void about how lost and sad and full of love I am. I can't stop crying.

Is there a better place for someone like me? I felt like I could be safe here, but perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Thank you for your time.

[Olallieberry]

You can be safe here.

 

Welcome.

 

You're a great ally and were a great partner.

 

However - it is over.

1 hour ago, FormerPartner said:

she has fallen out of love with me

That's that, that's all there is to it.

 

You're in an interesting position because she wound up identifying as asexual. But it doesn't seem like this is why she left. So, you have a lot of questions, but you also sound like they're motivated by making yourself attractive to her again.

 

I could be wrong. But if that's what's behind all of the attention which you continue to pay to your ex and her exploration of her identity, well, it just isn't a way to process and heal and move on from the break-up. It will prolong the pain.

 

1 hour ago, FormerPartner said:

Essentially, I'm just trying to understand what level of romance she seeks.

One could read this as being motivated by the wish to offer that to her once you figure it out - or once she does. If it is, well, see above - it won't work and continuing to try won't help you get over her. (It also won't make her be interested in taking you back.)

 

But then the rest of that same paragraph does illustrate that you care about her journey and feel like helping her figure it out. Here's the thing, though: 1, it's not your job, 2, nobody but her can really do that, 3, you can genuinely care about her progress toward figuring out her identity and her preferences but still be motivated by the hope for reconciliation.

And that's what I'm getting from it - it's OK that you care, but you can't hope that that care will make her come back to you.

 

So yeah, you have to let her go. All the way.  There's no telling whether you can be friends with her in the future, after you have gotten over her, but if you don't get some distance and get over her, then that's an impediment to being friends because your interactions will be underlain with your neediness to rekindle her romantic interest - and the reality is, you can't have that either.

 

You clearly do care. So ask yourself - is it kind to her, is it fair to her, is it good for her if you, the one she just broke up with, keeps interjecting yourself into her process of (A) trying to get over you, herself, while (B) trying to find her own way of living as a panromantic asexual person?

 

Distance is the care that you need and it's also the care that she also probably needs and deserves.

 

But it will get better. Time is what heals the pain of a breakup. But it has to be quality time - the clock stops every time you run away from the solitude or your other friends, and run back toward her for closeness or friendship or offering her an idea about her path. Hell, it doesn't just stop, it resets so you have to start all over again.

 

1 hour ago, FormerPartner said:

I just keep repeating affirmations: "It takes time. It's okay." 

This is the truth. Keep doing this. And also remember that "time" isn't just time on the calendar. It has to be time by yourself, without her in the picture.

 

What you're experiencing isn't unique to sexual-asexual mismatched couples. At this point, it's just a breakup, and I've survived those. You will too.

 

So, I don't know if there's a better place for you. But you're welcome in this one, and it's hopefully positive for you.

[FormerPartner]

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me. Your wisdom and kindness have helped immensely in starting the process of my new future. I'm going to take it all to heart and have gone through a few more stages of grief, landing on acceptance in some circumstances, such as the real reason we broke up: she just fell out of love with me.

This is what, due in part to your help, I've come to know as the truth:

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

However - it is over.
"she has fallen out of love with me "

That's that, that's all there is to it.

You also have opened my eyes to what was likely obvious to any outside observer. There is a part of me that wishes there was something for me to fix. But she and I are at fundamentally different ends of this break-up, with different reasons for crying and different emotions being felt. I do feel guilty as if there was just one thing that I could've done (coping). But, mainly, I just feel grief. I lost a loved one, a friend, a confidant, an intimate part of my life. She has expressed guilt in making me feel grief. Both are valid, but in the end, they are far too incompatible in my eyes for anything to meaningfully change without fundamentally altering the reality I find myself in.

Thank you for your time. I do feel welcome, and I will approach the prioritization of helping her understand herself in a new light. I want to give the resources still, but I can finally accept that it is her journey, not mine, to go on. 

 

 

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Distance is the care that you need and it's also the care that she also probably needs and deserves.

 

But it will get better. Time is what heals the pain of a breakup. But it has to be quality time - the clock stops every time you run away from the solitude or your other friends, and run back toward her for closeness or friendship or offering her an idea about her path. Hell, it doesn't just stop, it resets so you have to start all over again.

"I just keep repeating affirmations: 'It takes time. It's okay.' "

This is the truth. Keep doing this. And also remember that "time" isn't just time on the calendar. It has to be time by yourself, without her in the picture.

With our current living situation, the clock will likely start ticking a month, if not longer, down the line. I hope to make efforts to at least ease the untangling so that the break is clean once I am able to move out. 

Thank you again. It's been immensely helpful. I hope you have a great day.