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Is my girlfriend asexual?


HH

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I have had some serious relationships before, but not like the one I am in now. I am totally in love with my girlfriend, but the problem is - we had been going steady for 1½ months, when here sexdrive just went dead. We have sex on the odd ocasion, like once every 2-3 weeks.

I simply cant get her aroused, its impossible.

I have tried every trick that works with other girls, but this changes nothing.

We cuddle and kiss a lot, but without the sex, I dont feel she really loves me - wich makes me get jealous, and hot headed.

I feel like the other topic, that she might trash me, go find an other that can "solve her problem" and it was my fault all along.

She just dosent have the urge for sex, allthough porno sometimes gets her aroused, I think she watches it and gets aroused so she can please me - or to feel normal.

The sex is really great, so I cannot understand the problem - but she has no sex drive.

If I ask her if she has any fantasies, the answer is no.

At first I dident believe her, but I now I think it is true.

Do you know anything I can do?

I am tired of feeling nogood and jealous, when I am really trying to be the best damn boyfriend in the world!

She tells me she loves me, and that im the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I understand her just fine, but without sex I cant help thinking..... there is something missing.

I think she feels the same way, but she might be afraid of being "wierd" she surely dosent know about asexual or aven.

But now I do, but I am somewhat hesitant in introducing it to her, as she might think its too much, and im obsessed.

She dislikes to talk about this problem, because she feels we are getting nowhere with it.

And, she is right, but I wont quit. I will make this relationship work if it kills me. I just want to feel loved as much as I love her.

This is a long post, but its hard to explain.

Hope someone out there can and will help,

Thx in advance, this forum has allready helped a great deal!

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You should definitely communicate all of these feelings to her.

The more straightforward and direct you two are about your differences in this area, the better the outcome will be.

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship.

There are many ways to give, receive, and experience love other than sex. Tell her how her lack of sexual desire for you makes you feel and allow her to reassure you in her feelings for you (if that is the case).

I also suggest introducing her to AVEN. You can give her the web address and allow her to decide if she wants to learn more about asexuality or not.

Good luck!

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Hi HH,

Been there, felt that, to all you describe.

But you know what? If your girlfriend really doesn't feel sexual desire, then it's not you. The problem is even if your brain knows this, it's still easy to feel rejected, or jealous, or unattractive.

It can be very frustrating when you are trying to solve the problem of your sexual differences, and by talking about it your partner sees that as part of the problem. If she's indifferent to sex, she won't want to talk about it all day.

Having tried the approach you are taking, I found that by talking about the problem endlessly, I was using up my partner's low "sex quota" entirely with discussion. By the time we'd talked about it for an hour or two, she felt like she'd done her part for the week. And of course, we'd had no sex, so everyone was frustrated - me at the lack of sex, and her at the fact that she'd spent part of every day on sex-related stuff.

I'd suggest giving her some space - perhaps instead of talking it out, come to AVEN and read up on others' experiences. But let her know that it's a problem for you, and ask her what she thinks you can both do about it. See what she comes up with. In my marriage it works out that the less we talk about sex, the more we have it. And we also have more physical intimacy when a naked cuddle, or a shared shower, comes with no expectations of leading to sex.

Of course if things aren't going well, it's necessary to talk it out, but it's not necessary to have the same discussion over and over. Ask her to suggest solutions that would work for her, and give her time to come up with something. Also, remember that acting frustrated, jealous, and insecure isn't very sexually attractive, and neither is hassling her constantly when she's asked you not to. Not saying you do these things, but hell I have from time to time :roll:

I think many sexual partners of asexuals will be very jealous at the "every 2-3 weeks" aspect of your relationship. My own relationship of eighteen years has had periods of "2-3 times a year" and times of "2-3 times a week", but outside of sex, we're ridiculously happy together. If the rest of your relationship is good, then never forget that when the sex thing is getting you down.

Good luck! And :cake:

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I simply cant get her aroused, its impossible.

Yeah... no guy can ever get me aroused, either. I don't care if he looks like freakin Brad Pitt... It ain't gonna happen. So, yeah, it sounds like she could be asexual.

I have tried every trick that works with other girls, but this changes nothing. Yeah... these "tricks" probably aren't gonna work.

We cuddle and kiss a lot, but without the sex, I dont feel she really loves me - wich makes me get jealous, and hot headed. Because someone isn't interested in sex doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. There is no reason to be jealous. This is not about you.

I feel like the other topic, that she might trash me, go find an other that can "solve her problem" and it was my fault all along. No... if she is really asexual, she is most likely not going to find someone else.

She just dosent have the urge for sex, allthough porno sometimes gets her aroused, I think she watches it and gets aroused so she can please me - or to feel normal. Yeah... she's probably trying to make you happy.

The sex is really great, so I cannot understand the problem - but she has no sex drive. I don't either. The thought of sex makes me real bored.

If I ask her if she has any fantasies, the answer is no. I fantasize about winning the lottery, now that would be great. Sex fantasies... sorry, nope.

At first I dident believe her, but I now I think it is true. No one will believe me either!

Do you know anything I can do? Well... you know, if a person is truly asexual, then most likely, that's it.

I am tired of feeling nogood and jealous, when I am really trying to be the best damn boyfriend in the world! Don't be jealous, it's not about you.

She tells me she loves me, and that im the best thing that has ever happened to me. Well, maybe you are. But if a person isn't into sex, then they're just not into sex.

I understand her just fine, but without sex I cant help thinking..... there is something missing. Well, sexual people feel that way, I guess... I don't feel like anything is missing.

I think she feels the same way, but she might be afraid of being "wierd" she surely dosent know about asexual or aven. Dude! Show her the website!

But now I do, but I am somewhat hesitant in introducing it to her, as she might think its too much, and im obsessed. Naw... this website is awesome. I found it & I loved it. This website is cool.

She dislikes to talk about this problem, because she feels we are getting nowhere with it. Yeah... she probably sees you're frustrated.

And, she is right, but I wont quit. I will make this relationship work if it kills me. I just want to feel loved as much as I love her. Just remember -- sex is not the same thing as love. Plenty of people have great sex, and lots of it, then they wake up in the morning, "What's your name again?" Just because someone can rock your world doesn't make it love.

This is a long post, but its hard to explain. Not as long as some of them around here.

Hope someone out there can and will help. Well... good luck.

Thx in advance, this forum has allready helped a great deal! Show her this website, it might help.

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She loves you. Try and seperate love and lust.

Good advice. Your girlfriend's lack of lust is not something you should let damage your self-esteem.

Sex has nothing to do with love. It's just an expression of carnality

Bad advice. If you feel that sex is an extension of love, then that makes you a pretty normal sexual person. I'm sexual, but I'm not a very "carnal" person - I've never wanted to have sex with anyone unless I've been in love with them. And I know I'm not alone in that.

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I have had some serious relationships before, but not like the one I am in now. I am totally in love with my girlfriend, but the problem is - we had been going steady for 1½ months, when here sexdrive just went dead. We have sex on the odd ocasion, like once every 2-3 weeks.

I simply cant get her aroused, its impossible.

I have tried every trick that works with other girls, but this changes nothing.

We cuddle and kiss a lot, but without the sex, I dont feel she really loves me - wich makes me get jealous, and hot headed.

I feel like the other topic, that she might trash me, go find an other that can "solve her problem" and it was my fault all along.

She just dosent have the urge for sex, allthough porno sometimes gets her aroused, I think she watches it and gets aroused so she can please me - or to feel normal.

The sex is really great, so I cannot understand the problem - but she has no sex drive.

If I ask her if she has any fantasies, the answer is no.

At first I dident believe her, but I now I think it is true.

Do you know anything I can do?

I am tired of feeling nogood and jealous, when I am really trying to be the best damn boyfriend in the world!

She tells me she loves me, and that im the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I understand her just fine, but without sex I cant help thinking..... there is something missing.

I think she feels the same way, but she might be afraid of being "wierd" she surely dosent know about asexual or aven.

But now I do, but I am somewhat hesitant in introducing it to her, as she might think its too much, and im obsessed.

She dislikes to talk about this problem, because she feels we are getting nowhere with it.

And, she is right, but I wont quit. I will make this relationship work if it kills me. I just want to feel loved as much as I love her.

This is a long post, but its hard to explain.

Hope someone out there can and will help,

Thx in advance, this forum has allready helped a great deal!

I haven't read anyone else's reply yet so I could be repeating what others have said.

First off, you said that her sex drive just went dead. So she HAD one and now it's gone? That's very different from having no sexual attraction at all.

But I'm only experienced with asexuality, not waning sex drives so that's the position I'm going to speak from. First off, don't confuse sex with love. It's hard for you to see it from an asexual point of view and it's hard for me to see things from a sexual's point of view just trust me on this one, sex has nothing to do with how much an asexual person loves another. Sex is only one way to express love, it's not the only way. You said she tells you that she loves you and says you're the best thing that ever happened to her. Don't you believe that? Think of how honest and sincere you are when you say that you love her...believe that she is as honest with you.

If you're resorting to 'tricks' to get her aroused then, yeah, I can see why it's not working. Tricks are not for everyone. Many people require honesty and a lot of people don't really want to be compared to the other girls.

As far as solving her problem, find out for sure if it IS a problem. Obviously as a couple it's a collective problem and as her partner it's your problem because you're feeling jealous and unloved but she may not view it as a problem. I don't view my asexuality as a problem at all.

I hope she comes to meet us. Tell her to not be shy.

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ratatosk_lemur
First off, you said that her sex drive just went dead. So she HAD one and now it's gone? That's very different from having no sexual attraction at all.

I seem to recall it pointing out on the AVEN website somewhere that having a sex drive that suddenly disappears can be a sign of some medical problems that are important to treat for other reasons, so that may be something worth remembering.

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First off, you said that her sex drive just went dead. So she HAD one and now it's gone? That's very different from having no sexual attraction at all.

I seem to recall it pointing out on the AVEN website somewhere that having a sex drive that suddenly disappears can be a sign of some medical problems that are important to treat for other reasons, so that may be something worth remembering.

Absolutely. Even if the person has never experienced sexual attration, they're entitled to go to a doctor and see if something is 'wrong'. It's their body, they have the right to check it out. A waning or suddenly dropped sex drive could be something (a) serious (B) treatable.

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