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Of two minds


Arwen

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Hello all.

I guess my story is pretty much the same as the others I've read here from sexual spouses. My husband is asexual. He likes to hold hands, give the occasional peck on the cheek, but anything else - he'd rather not. He doesn't accept the fact that he's asexual (we do occasionally have sex, though it is less and less frequent). Since I've become aware of how little he enjoys it, I've stopped asking. The act seems hollow to me now.

What I want most, I've come to realize I can never have. I know we could improve the level of emotional intimacy in our relationship, but he is not really concerned about the lack of that either. All the effort would have to be on my part. And I'm not sure it would be enough.

So, I guess I have two questions:

1. For those of you in successful "mixed" marriages, what is it that makes it worthwhile for you - and how do you keep it strong?

2. If there are any sexuals who have left asexual partners, was it worth it? I dearly do not want to hurt my husband, and I have this sneaking feeling that a different relationship might just be different -- not really less problematic, just different.

Thanks....

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So, I guess I have two questions:

1. For those of you in successful "mixed" marriages, what is it that makes it worthwhile for you - and how do you keep it strong?

2. If there are any sexuals who have left asexual partners, was it worth it? I dearly do not want to hurt my husband, and I have this sneaking feeling that a different relationship might just be different -- not really less problematic, just different.

Thanks....

Hi Arwen.

I guess the thing that makes my marriage strong is no more and no less the fact that my wife and I truly love each other. We'd both love it if we were sexually compatible, but when it comes down to it neither of us wants for a second to be with anyone else. That's the secret for us.

Even so, we've had our problems with our sexual incompatibility, but most of those stemmed from a communications breakdown where one of us felt like they were shouldering more than their fair share of the sex compromise. It's stupid really, because in every other aspect of our relationship we're excellent communicators, and totally open. But it's easy to avoid being open about sex when there's a chance that that will lead to conflict.

Whenever we've had problems, open communication has solved them. I've been surprised at how pressured my wife has felt at times, and she was surprised how rejected and unattractive her lack of interest made me feel.

Some of the insights we've gathered from AVEN have really helped us understand the other's viewpoint, and given us a language to better express how we feel about sex. I hope your time here can be equally helpful. In that spirit, have some :cake:

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2. If there are any sexuals who have left asexual partners, was it worth it? I dearly do not want to hurt my husband, and I have this sneaking feeling that a different relationship might just be different -- not really less problematic, just different.

Hi Arwen,

I'm in your position, considering divorcing my asexual wife, and this is something that worries me too. Ultimately though, changing your life is a risk, no matter what you do. It's why abused wives stay with their husbands... better the devil you know than the one you don't.

My feeling is, if it gets to the point where you'rel chronically miserable, but you don't act because you fear what acting will bring, then staying is a mistake.

I say that as someone who hasn't left :)

-Chiaroscuro

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