Poll for sexuals - extremely surprised by my non-asexual friend's response to theoretical question

[Doctor]

My best friend is not asexual. When it comes to sexual matters I would consider him very much the average. He is currently in a happy, long-term romantic-sexual relationship.

 

My best friend and I are very close emotionally and intellectually. We consider each other family, and so I have no reason to believe he is hiding personal issues or opinions from me. I do not hide anything from him myself.

 

We often like to discuss hot topics and ask each other controversial questions. Recently I was sitting around and thinking of that historically much-disliked (iirc) question in the asexual community, ie. "If there was a pill to cure asexuality, would you take it?" I decided it would be a fun thought experiment to flip the script, and so I asked my best friend if there was a pill to turn off sexual attraction, but keep other attractions (and strengthen them to the level of sexual attraction, if that was one's strongest type of attraction), whether he thought there would be some small market for it out there. His answer really surprised me - if such a pill existed, he would personally start taking it regularly. He also posited that there would actually be a huge market for it. When I asked for why, he said that acting on sexual attraction was just too much work sometimes - if he and his partner could do less and get the same high, why not? He also said he felt sexual attraction was distracting when compared with other types of attractions he felt.

 

Let me get this clear once more - my best friend is quite happy with who he is and his relationship with his partner, he is not self-hating of his sexuality. This is why I was so surprised by his answer!

 

In view of the above, I would like to ask this question of other sexual folks who are clued in on things like the split attraction model, etc. I'm really interested if the responses will be similar to my friend's. If you vote in the poll, I'd appreciate if you also take the time to explain why you voted the way you did in a post. I'd like to underline that this is a purely theoretical question. I don't think that there is one combination of attractions that is objectively "better" than another combination of attractions. It's all personal preference in my eyes.

 

Also, apologies if this is in the wrong forum. I was debating whether this poll should be posted here or in Hot Box, but common sense told me this is more of a silly question than a distressing one for the majority. If my intuition is off, mods - please move this poll to the proper forum.

[Liara]

I’m definitely not ace but I didn’t feel any sexual attraction for years, maybe decades. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the want to have this and to share that with a partner.

[Philip027]

I don't qualify so I did not vote, but I've gotten a few reactions like his before from other people.  They were people who have seen their sexuality as a hindrance to them in some way or another, usually involving them getting into or pining for relationships that they knew would have been bad for them, but couldn't help but feeling the way they did anyway.

[Doctor]

26 minutes ago, Liara said:

I’m definitely not ace but I didn’t feel any sexual attraction for years, maybe decades. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the want to have this and to share that with a partner.

If I understand correctly, Liara - you have an attraction to feeling sexual attraction?

[Liara]

3 minutes ago, Doctor said:

If I understand correctly, Liara - you have an attraction to feeling sexual attraction?

I would want to feel something because I miss it.

 

i think sexual attraction is connected to so many other things and can have an influence on so many things… I’m not sure I would like to know how it feels without it.

I would be interested by a pill that makes me ace, because for me it would be more than just sexual attraction.

But my life already is so fucking boring…

[fragglerock]

Not technically allosexual as I'm demisexual, but I answered no I would not take it.

[Ceebs]

Absolutely not, no, never. My sexuality is one of the (few) parts of myself I genuinely like, and after taking as long as I did to even begin to feel that way, I'm not getting rid of it. I would actively grieve the loss of ability to feel attracted to anyone that way.

 

I will also clarify, when you say 'this treatment would increase the highs of other attractions to that of sexual attraction if that is your strongest type of attraction', that would be not relevant in my case because there's no particular strongest form of attraction for me. There's just attraction. All of it together is attraction, so I wouldn't suddenly become a lot more romantic or something.

 

11 hours ago, Doctor said:

he said that acting on sexual attraction was just too much work sometimes - if he and his partner could do less and get the same high, why not?

Do not relate. Depends what someone's life looks like and how they go about pursuing their attractions I suppose, though I admit I'm surprised to hear that from someone in a relationship. I might expect it more from someone who's perhaps dating around trying to find a partner and maybe getting tired of that and feeling like they're spending too much energy on it. Who knows, though. But yeah I have no idea why acting on it would be too much work. Sex to me is fun and meaningful, not work. And it's not like it takes hours to get in the mood for it or do it. We've had sex four or five times in the past week and that's maybe two or at most three hours of time in a whole week spent on sex. I've spent way more time on other things. So I've no clue whatsoever why your friend says it's too much work sometimes.

 

11 hours ago, Doctor said:

He also said he felt sexual attraction was distracting when compared with other types of attractions he felt.

Yeah, also don't relate. My sexual attractions/desires do not interfere negatively with anything else in my life.

[Ceebs]

Ran this by my husband and he's equally as confused. Like we just had a probably 15 minute conversation trying to figure out what about your friend's situation might compel him to give the answer he did. We didn't really come up with anything haha. His own answer was no, he wouldn't take a pill to turn off sexual attraction any more than he would want one that would eliminate things like enjoyment of music or food or anything else pleasant in life. Why kill off something joyful?

[uhtred]

For me its that my feelings and thoughts are what makes me "me".   Turn off something major like sexual desire and I'd be someone else.  Frustrating as desire is when I'm in a relationship with an asexual person, its still important to me.  

 

I'd say the same about any other major psychological change.  Its not that I don't have various things about me that I don't  like, I do, but there are part of me

 

[Ceebs]

@Doctor - Out of curiosity, since you said the two of you are super close and have a lot of open and honest conversations, have you mentioned to your friend that you've asked a bunch of other sexual folks how they'd feel about such a pill? Small sample size here obviously, but so far 'no' is very much in the lead and that's even including how sexual people in relationships with aces feel, where perhaps not being interested in sex might ultimately be beneficial since it would eliminate the mismatch. So clearly people often feel a sense of connection to their own sexuality and would be uncomfortable changing it, which is certainly what I would've predicted. Anyway, I'm kinda curious what your friend thinks about that given his own answer and his thoughts that there would be a huge market for this hypothetical pill. I'd bet he's not wrong in that there are plenty of people out there who would want it for one reason or another, but I'm wondering what he makes of your informal 'research' on AVEN. (And still definitely a bit baffled by his own response, given he's in a happy longterm romantic/sexual relationship. I'd assume whatever sex life they have isn't wildly interfering with other realms of his life, unless he's with a partner who wants sex several times every day? Or unless just on a personal level, he finds himself interested in others very frequently and has difficulty staying faithful to them? I dunno. 🤷🏼‍♀️)

 

Anyway, much of that is rhetorical, I don't expect you to take my questions to him haha. But definitely curious if you intended to share your AVEN findings with him.

[Eila]

I had a similar(ish) response to Doctor from someone when I told him about my asexuality. He paused for a while and then said that he really did get it, and felt that he and maybe a lot of people might be quite glad to have a loving relationship without the anxieties and complications that can develop in sexual relationships in the long term. He is a sexual person in a very happy and loving relationship, and I consider him to be one of my closest and wisest friends. He would have been being 100% sincere. 

 

When I was 16 (a long time and another orientation ago) my first boyfriend told me he hated being a sexual person and 'sometimes would like to cut his penis off' (not sure if I can write what he actually said here). But I think that was for quite different reasons and not so relevant to the thread. 

 

 

Edited June 16, 2025 by Eila
Clarity

[Liara]

Maybe people who will accept to take this pill would be mainly men?

[Frameshift07]

22 minutes ago, Liara said:

Maybe people who will accept to take this pill would be mainly men?

Why's that?

[Ceebs]

Dammit I hit 'save' too quickly. Ignore...

[Ceebs]

Anyway yeah... see, if I really had to guess at the demographic most likely to want this pill, I would guess cishet men. BUT. That's where the confusion comes in. I would expect it to be men who fit a certain stereotype. Since some stereotypes are based on some kernel of truth and I get the impression there are guys out there (usually younger) who find their libidos such a huge distraction and problem in life, causing them to pay more attention to and spend more time attempting to find women to have sex with than is probably a good idea... or perhaps if they're in a committed relationship but want an amount of sex that their partner finds difficult to keep up with and it's causing problems between them or tempting them to cheat... then in theory I can get why a person might wish for those issues to go away. Zero ability to relate haha, because that's not how sex and sexuality work for me, but I can see that potentially being true for some.

 

But it's the committed happy relationship factor here that's confusing me, and the OP's friend sounding like a fairly average guy and not someone whose life is being run by an extreme need to, er, get laid.

[Liara]

People who have answered yes to Doctor or Eila seem to be men, right?
Maybe the pressure men feel from the society about sex (they must always want it, must be very good at it, must be performing to be seen as "real men", etc.) can make them want to be released from that idea of performance?
Of course I don't talk about ALL MEN but maybe some of them could feel it's too much sometimes...

[Eila]

Yes the committed happy relationship person who would take the pill is the most interesting to me. I would love to hear from more people who feel like this. 

 

5 minutes ago, Liara said:

Maybe the pressure men feel from the society about sex (they must always want it, must be very good at it, must be performing to be seen as "real men", etc.) can make them want to be released from that idea of performance?
Of course I don't talk about ALL MEN but maybe some of them could feel it's too much sometimes...

I think this is a good point. At least in terms of how my friend might have been thinking. 

 

I feel like I actually took this pill about ten years ago, resulting in much turmoil (including loss of identity, an issue other people have mentioned as a reason to say no). But... also other gorgeousness that I probably wouldn't have to the same extent in my life if I was still allo... so definitely more fulfilled in some ways and less in others. Sometimes I notice what I don't have more than what i do. 

[Eila]

This thread has been really helpful. 

 

I asked myself 'given how my life has changed, if I actually had a choice would I take the pill?' 

 

And I've decided yes. Interesting!

.... well, to me anyway 🤣

[Philip027]

2 hours ago, Liara said:

Maybe people who will accept to take this pill would be mainly men?

Perhaps, but at least in my own experience, everyone who's ever responded back at me this way was female.

 

In fairness though, by this point in my life where I'd be frankly discussing the subject of my asexuality (or sexuality in general) with others, I'd already been gravitating toward the opposite sex with regard to interaction, companionship, etc.  So it wasn't terribly often that I was broaching this sort of subject with other males in the first place.

[Doctor]

I've had a very busy fortnight, but I am back online - thank you everyone for your votes and responses, I appreciate the insight and theorising!

 

On 6/15/2025 at 10:29 PM, uhtred said:

For me its that my feelings and thoughts are what makes me "me".   Turn off something major like sexual desire and I'd be someone else.

Although I personally don't consider my feelings and thoughts things that make up me "me", I can understand this.  If my memories and core motivation to learn as much as possible were taken away, one might as well have gutted the body and booted it up with a completely different OS.

 

On 6/16/2025 at 8:20 AM, Ceebs said:

Out of curiosity, since you said the two of you are super close and have a lot of open and honest conversations, have you mentioned to your friend that you've asked a bunch of other sexual folks how they'd feel about such a pill?

Yes, I did find the time to talk to him!  He hasn't indicated interest into jumping into the forum conversation himself, but I did ask if he wanted me to pass along any clarifications. I think he was reciprocally baffled at the strong response of those questioning his own opinion. Once he jogged his memory about our conversation on the topic, he said his reasoning for wanting to try was firstly curiosity about the experience. The second was that since he and his SO both have a lot of other responsibilities and don't always see each other every day, he doesn't always get the chance to act on his attraction when it passes through his mind. From what I understand, he can't deal with it just by himself because it's not just about physical arousal, and electronic communications with his partner can't sate it, so it buzzes away in the back of his mind until they are together again and can act on it. Hence why he considers it "distracting".  The way he describes it reminds me a lot of "food noise", which some people nowadays purposefully take Ozempic to remove. 

 

On 6/15/2025 at 8:52 PM, Ceebs said:

His own answer was no, he wouldn't take a pill to turn off sexual attraction any more than he would want one that would eliminate things like enjoyment of music or food or anything else pleasant in life. Why kill off something joyful?

Thanks for passing along your husband's vote and explanation as well  

 

Just on the side, I do want to question the phrasing of the question your husband posed. I think from conversations with my best friend I've come to understand it in such a way: even though I am asexual and he is not, we both feel the same way for our respective romantic partners. The difference is in the actions that fuel those feelings. It's like one person preferring strawberries and the other sweet cherries, one pop music and one rock music, one romances and the other detective novels. As I see it, it wouldn't be a killing off of joy in as much as changing the thing that brings joy. I understand I am saying that as an asexual in a thread asking allosexuals their opinions on the matter, and I want to clarify that I'm not trying to question the answer of "no", but the wording of the reasoning. But I do understand, like others have noted, that one can feel their identity is strongly connected to the things that already give them joy.

[Ceebs]

@Doctor Just noticed your reply, sorry for the delay!

 

Actually not much to add, other than everything you said makes sense. Glad your friend was able to supply some clarification. That absolutely makes sense if they're not together all the time. I can see how that desire would be frustrating when you can't act on it. I mean, Tele and I spent four and a half years doing the long-distance thing on opposite sides of the Atlantic, and other than during visits, we had to come up with plenty of creative ways to still have some sort of active sex life from afar. Which wasn't difficult for us haha, but yeah, when you want the proper in-person version, it's frustrating. 
 

On 6/29/2025 at 8:08 PM, Doctor said:

I think from conversations with my best friend I've come to understand it in such a way: even though I am asexual and he is not, we both feel the same way for our respective romantic partners. The difference is in the actions that fuel those feelings. It's like one person preferring strawberries and the other sweet cherries, one pop music and one rock music, one romances and the other detective novels. As I see it, it wouldn't be a killing off of joy in as much as changing the thing that brings joy. I understand I am saying that as an asexual in a thread asking allosexuals their opinions on the matter, and I want to clarify that I'm not trying to question the answer of "no", but the wording of the reasoning. But I do understand, like others have noted, that one can feel their identity is strongly connected to the things that already give them joy.

Yeah I think that's the gist of it. For me (and I can speak pretty confidently for Tele), it's like any other thing that makes us happy. A love of music or reading or something... I wouldn't want to turn that off and try to find the same joy in, I dunno, watching sports. I wouldn't want to switch up my coffee for herbal tea. I might even occasionally choose to watch some sort of sport (really not my thing most of the time, but I kind of like skiing and various Olympic events) or occasionally drink a cup of herbal tea, something like peppermint to settle my stomach, but I couldn't ever switch to only those things while getting rid of coffee or books or music. My desire for entertainment or a hot drink wouldn't be satisfied, just like my desire for experiencing connection and pleasure with my husband through sexual intimacy couldn't be filled completely by cuddling and hugs and conversations and spending time together... and I say that as someone who finds literally all of those things just as essential in a relationship as sex and wouldn't want to see what it was like without them, so maybe the sports and herbal tea analogy isn't a great one, since I value those things less than the things I really love. I can't think of a perfect equivalent really, but you get the gist. Anyway, as someone who's actually had to give up a few things I've truly loved in the past, to the point that I saw them as part of what makes me who I am, it feels like a deep loss and I experience a lot of grief. It really does fuck with my identity.
 

I can't speak for anyone else, but perhaps in part because I was such a confused mess about my own sexuality when I was younger and then was also previously married to someone with no sexual interest (as was Tele), the idea of giving that up that part of myself after 1) finally becoming comfortable, and 2) finally finding a relationship where I'm able to connect that way, it's an extra-hard 'no thanks'. I value it so much because I know what it's like to not be in touch with part of who you are, and to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't sexually desire you and who you no longer sexually desire either. So perhaps sexual people on AVEN who've experienced either one -- or both -- of those things would be even more unwilling than your average sexual person to see what life would be like without? For the latter it could be a curious thought experiment that may come with some positives in some cases? Dunno, just a theory. Obviously plenty of sexuals not in either of those camps would still say 'hell no'. 

 

Ok, I guess I had more to say than I thought. 😂

[Traveler40]

I am sexual.
 

There’s not much else to say to posts like this in my mind.
 

How pissed would “others” be if I attempted to label them without their consent?
 

Yep, pretty much. 

[Doctor]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

I am sexual.
 

There’s not much else to say to posts like this in my mind.
 

How pissed would “others” be if I attempted to label them without their consent?
 

Yep, pretty much. 

I'm sorry, I don't follow your line of reasoning... Would it be possible for you to restate what you mean in a more direct way?

[Traveler40]

3 hours ago, Doctor said:

I'm sorry, I don't follow your line of reasoning... Would it be possible for you to restate what you mean in a more direct way?

Sure. I’m not trying to be passive aggressive. Frankly, I saw this thread awhile ago and swiped left.  I’m traveling at the moment and had time to pause for better or worse. 

Your poll is offensive to me as it labels onto sexuals the term “allo”. Furthermore, the way the poll reads essentially requires acceptance / resignation by sexuals who respond (imo).
 

Some don’t care, but I’m one who does. 
 

Sexuals are being labeled onto.  Why is that ok? It’s beyond me.

 

[Olallieberry]

I found some downright laughable statements when I endeavored to spend 2 minutes using google to locate at least half a dozen examples of AVEN threads discussing the term "allosexual" and the imposition of that label onto people who don't identify with it, don't appreciate it, and don't want it.

 

I'll leave it to whoever cares to just see how trivially easy it is to find many such threads:

https://www.google.com/search?q=site:asexuality.org+"allosexual"+label

 

But I'll take it upon myself to quote a few which I had not seen before now. They tend to be older ones which predate my own time on AVEN.

 

 

 

Let's start with someone in 2021 expressing an. innocent curiosity about Allosexual Term Origin:

Quote

There was some big debate about whether or not is was appropriate to just call people “sexuals”

This is laughable because it seemed more appropriate to asexuals to invent a label for people who aren't them, than to use the label which "asexual" was coined to be the opposite of in the first place. And, you'd think needless to say, without consulting the affected group about whether they cared to have this new label imposed upon them.

 

 

 

This is the opening line of a 2018 poll regarding which of the two terms people prefer, from a section of the website not oriented around non-asexual people:

Quote

I've noticed a lot of people use the term sexual when what they really mean is allosexual.

Talk about acesplaining. What people? Sexual people? You don't trust them to mean what they say?

 

Interestingly, even though this poll was located in Asexual Musings and Rantings, outside the For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies area, less than 30% of poll respondents indicated a preference for "allosexual."

 

 

 

This person in 2014 really missed the point - utterly:

Quote

I think it's just how heteros use the word 'queer' to mean anyone who isn't hetero, we use allo to mean anyone who isn't ace.

First of all, that's just so wrong and clueless, and second of all this person thinks that it's heteros who gave "queer" its contemporary activist meaning? Either that or they completely fail to recognize that the way heteros originally used the word "queer" (as an intentional slur) is being compared to the way asexuals use the term "allo." Beyond clueless because they can't possibly have meant that - unless they did.

 

 

 

This person in 2020 imagines that without the word "allosexual" there is no way to talk about us:

Quote

Like if there were words for transgender and gay, but not words to describe cisgender or straight. 

News flash, there already was such a word, Skippy 🤣

 

 

 

In 2016 we got this zinger:

Quote

if allosexual is bad, why is calling people "sexuals" any better?

Someone had a real blind spot, there, didn't they.

 

 

 

This is just some quotes which leaped out at me with the most cursory look at the various "allo vs sexual terminology" debates AVEN has hosted over the years. I didn't go looking for things to laugh at, I was just briefly looking for some easy links to quickly provide with a minimum of effort on my part, for the sake of providing context here on this subject.

 

 

 

As The Jesus said:

 

[Philip027]

Tackling the real issues here, I see.