My girlfriend is Asexual and I'm trying to understand

[YourNeighbourhoodBisexual]

I am a 23 year old female. When I was in high school I was almost certain I felt attraction towards women. Since then, I've come out as someone who is bisexual. I met my best friend a few years ago... But our relationship changed when I began dating my first girlfriend. My best friend hated her and always felt jealous. Eventually we realised we had feelings for each other and pursued it after my ex and I had a broken up. And our relationship started off as sexual... But she usually always felt distant after it and she would never initiate anything and I never forced her either. We always had an open dialogue and continued dating for almost 10 months now. And now... Last week... She tells me she might be asexual because she doesn't feel any sexual attraction with me. And I have no clue why that broke me... First of all I felt horrible that I must've forced her into something she didn't ever want to do. I never wanted to make her feel like that. And she is lovely, she is my Best friend and I like her very very much... But as much as I would love to sacrifice everything for her... I'm worried that if I sacrifice my need for intimacy I might just start resenting her. I obviously told her I need some time to figure out how to go about this ... But she told me how she finds any kind of intimacy weird... And she doesn't even like kissing and I understand that. But for me kissing and physical intimacy is kind of important. I'm trying to understand her needs but I'm also trying to respect mine and gosh I like her so much... And I don't know what to do anymore. I told her, with a heavy heart, how I have my needs as well and maybe we should part ways but she insists that she can try and figure something out... And she isn't entirely certain she is asexual. But then again... I don't want her to deny herself and just do something to satisfy me and be in a relationship with me... And I don't know how to let go either. This is so heart breaking and frustrating and I don't know what to do. Please help me understand her better... And do better... For her sake...

[Liara]

First thing, labels are not important. What matters is how she feels about sex and intimacy. She doesn’t like kissing for instance. That will never change. She is like that and there is nothing wrong with that.

But if you are deeply incompatible, there is only one thing to do : you are still young, at the beginning of your romantic life, you are not together since a lot of time… You both deserve a partner who is more compatible with you.

 

When the relationship is still new, I totally advise for break up if your and her needs are not satisfied. The other options (celibate, compromise, ENM) would be useful for an longer relationship when it’s extremely complicate to leave.

 

i’m with my partner since we were 22 y.o. 25 years ago. No intimacy, no sex, no physical touch. Nothing. Don’t do that.

[Jellos4ur]

Sounds like deep down you already know what you need to do. You need to put yourself first sometimes and this is one of those situations.

I stayed in relationships with guys where I did things I wasn't 100% comfortable with to make them happy and not cause any drama, and I also didn't want to let them go because I enjoyed their friendship.

The end result of all that was the same, we're not together anymore and I have to deal with years of self induced trauma I put myself through.

I'm in my late 20's and pretty much wasted those years with guys I was completely incompatible with as an ace.

Don't waste your time like I did, and do right by you.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 hours ago, YourNeighbourhoodBisexual said:

I am a 23 year old female. When I was in high school I was almost certain I felt attraction towards women. Since then, I've come out as someone who is bisexual. I met my best friend a few years ago... But our relationship changed when I began dating my first girlfriend. My best friend hated her and always felt jealous. Eventually we realised we had feelings for each other and pursued it after my ex and I had a broken up. And our relationship started off as sexual... But she usually always felt distant after it and she would never initiate anything and I never forced her either. We always had an open dialogue and continued dating for almost 10 months now. And now... Last week... She tells me she might be asexual because she doesn't feel any sexual attraction with me. And I have no clue why that broke me... First of all I felt horrible that I must've forced her into something she didn't ever want to do. I never wanted to make her feel like that. And she is lovely, she is my Best friend and I like her very very much... But as much as I would love to sacrifice everything for her... I'm worried that if I sacrifice my need for intimacy I might just start resenting her. I obviously told her I need some time to figure out how to go about this ... But she told me how she finds any kind of intimacy weird... And she doesn't even like kissing and I understand that. But for me kissing and physical intimacy is kind of important. I'm trying to understand her needs but I'm also trying to respect mine and gosh I like her so much... And I don't know what to do anymore. I told her, with a heavy heart, how I have my needs as well and maybe we should part ways but she insists that she can try and figure something out... And she isn't entirely certain she is asexual. But then again... I don't want her to deny herself and just do something to satisfy me and be in a relationship with me... And I don't know how to let go either. This is so heart breaking and frustrating and I don't know what to do. Please help me understand her better... And do better... For her sake...

Can you ask her how she thinks she would feel around physical intimacy is sex was off the table?

I'm not sure it applies in her case and she might be more than just asexual, but sometimes some ace-spec people can come to have trouble with physical intimacy if it would lead to sexuality, or that a partner would want to take it there.

 

But even then, would you be ok with sex being off the table..

[Olallieberry]

6 hours ago, YourNeighbourhoodBisexual said:

I'm worried that if I sacrifice my need for intimacy I might just start resenting her.

It would be extremely hard to avoid that.

 

You would spend lots of time and effort overcoming the resentment. Or you wouldn’t, and the resentment would just persist.

 

it isn’t a contest, a tit-for-tat game, but, if you sacrificed your need for intimacy, what if anything would she sacrifice? For you? For the relationship?

 

In mis-matched situations like this, the asexual partner seems to have what they want while the sexual partner is the one sacrificing. Resentment is impossible to avoid. Not impossible to overcome, but very very hard. And probably only possible if the asexual partner participates in the process of making sure the relationship can work out. A unilateral sacrifice without any appreciation from the other person is a recipe for resentment.

 

But you already know this. I’m just backing it up by reporting that this is exactly what other mis-matched couples really do experience. For years and years and years, sometimes. Many of them (us) don’t overcome it, and either just split up or just endure it forever.