My girlfriend of almost 2 years confessed to me that she's on the asexual side of the spectrum. Trying to find out my next steps.

[Barryy]

Hello!

I've been dating my girlfriend since September 2023. I'm a 21 year old straight male and she is a 21 year old straight female. Having a physical relationship with my partner is important to me, and that has been lacking in our relationship thus far. When we first got together, she told me that she wasn't ready to have sex yet. I respected that and didn't have a problem with that, at the time I don't think I was ready either. Things went on and seemed pretty normal for those first months, we would cuddle most nights, hug and eventually had our first kiss not too far in. After about a month/month and a half, and me being sexually attracted to her, I wanted more in terms of a sexual connection, but I still wasn't ready to have sex. I don't remember how I initiated it, but I began doing sexual acts for her at that time, started off with just foreplay and fingering. She felt really bad because at that time she said she still wasn't ready to return the favour, but I was okay with that. There was no pressure, I assumed she was taking her time and working on it/up to it. When I did these sexual acts for her, she loved it. They were usually once or twice a week. Over the coming months, she built up some guilt that she wasn't giving anything back, but I continued to assure her that I don't expect anything back, I'm not keeping track/score.

Things went on, and that summer I wanted to try giving her head. She was reluctant at first, but once we did it she loved it too, and it was something I added to my roster. After a year in our relationship, we had a discussion about sex. She said that she was working on it and building up to it, again, I was okay with that. A month later she said she was ready to try and we planned a date. I wasn't even sure if I was ready at that point, but I wanted to try. From the way I remember it, the night was really intimate and kinda beautiful. I really liked our connection and being so exposed/vulnerable with the person I love. In terms of the actual sex, it wasn't what I expected. I went through my normal routine of foreplay and getting her acclimated. Afterwards, she began touching me down there, but it wasn't fluid. I didn't feel awkward in this moment, but told me last night that she did feel it was awkward. I just thought she was trying/learning. Eventually she asked me to help and I got it up but I couldn't really get in the mood, and she wasn't helping me with that, so I didn't enjoy it from a sexual point. When I went in, it did hurt for her, which was to be expected. She said it hurt, but she could understand the appeal of sex. After some research, having some issues and me fumbling a little was decently common for men on their first times, so I wasn't really embarrassed. I wanted to keep working on it. Not too long later, we tried having sex again. That time she touched me less and I had to get myself up, and again couldn't get in the mood 100%. I still went in, it still hurt. Afterwards I offered to just get her off anyway. That was in November 2024 and that was the last time we tried.

Our relationship went on I would still do sexual acts for her, she absolutely loves receiving. For a long time I just thought she was a pillow princess. At this point we would do these things once a week normally. Coming up to speed to more recently, about 8 weeks ago we had a conversation about some of the problems in our relationship. Some of them were emotional stuff that we are working on, but a big part of it was the physical connection we lacked. At this point, she had just moved in with her older sister who is bisexual, and she would talk to her about her problems with intimacy. Through that, she discovered/told me that she was more on the asexual side of the spectrum. This scared me a little. We tried to work past those issues, and for the first 4 weeks things got better again, but these last 4 weeks since have been a little rough for me. The lack of physical connection I have with her is affecting my emotional connection with her. I date to marry, so does she, and I like to look into the future and yearn that I turn this connection into one that can be my life partner. I needed to talk to her about these physical problems and a number of emotional ones I've been having with her as well.

Last night we had a really civil, honest and raw conversation about it. She told me upfront that she is on the asexual side of the spectrum. For our whole relationship she told me that she was working up to it, that eventually she would be able to reciprocate, and last night she drops on me that she might never be able to. I was crushed in the moment, but I held it together. I'll list some of the points of our conversation:

• We see each other at least once a week since she's moved in to her new place, we live about 20 mins apart. When we do see each other, she says that she tries to say yes when I ask to do sexual things for her. She told me that she has a problem with getting in the mood to begin with, but once she is in the mood, she really enjoys it. I can tell she really loves it and praises me for how good I am. In the past she has rejected me a lot when I do want to do sexual things for her, and her rejection hurts. She dosen't word it/handle it in the best way.
• I asked her if shes attracted to me, she said 100% she is. I asked her if she thinks shes bisexual like both her sisters, and she said shes thought about it but no shes 100% straight. She said this has nothing to do with attraction and she said I was the type of boy she likes.
• She said that she might need to talk to a professional about her asexuality. She said that doing this wont necessarily help our relationship but it will help her find out things about herself. She then told me that she's not in a place to talk to someone about it however. She is very busy with work, and she is dealing with a couple of other heavy things like the recent death of a childhood pet, and getting dropped by one of her ex-best friends.
•  She says I've been an angel with how I've treated her regarding this whole thing. That I've been patient and not judged her, rushed her, or ever forced her into anything.
• We discussed things were going to try a little differently, like me being naked as well when I do sexual things for her. Us sleeping in our underwear. Us showering together, but understand/accepting nothing sexual is going to happen. She mentioned she really needs to take baby steps, and I'm here for that. I'm ready to support her in any way I can.
• Before I brought up all these issues I've been having, I asked her how she feels about us, and she said that she is satisfied. She didn't bring up any problems of her own. She told me about her asexuality, and it felt like she was saying that she wont be able to fulfill me, but she still wants me. She wants me to stay with her and she wants our relationship, even though she might never be able to give me what I want, and she dosen't want to lose me. That was strange to me. As I mentioned before, she has been dropped by friends as of 8 months ago. I don't want her to lose me too, thats why I'm making this post, to learn about asexuality in relationships and try and compromise and find solutions together. I do love her, and shes loves me, but I'm struggling right now and feel hurt.

 

Our conversation got cut short when her sister came home from work, we all hung out for a while before they had to go to bed and I went home. The 3 of us had a fun, normal chat about her sisters day and some other stuff. When I was leaving, my girlfriend hugged me for a long time. We kissed a lot. She said we can pick up where we left off next time. I want to ask her to talk again later together/this evening. 

Is there any hope for this connection? I've done a little research on asexuality this morning. I'm sorry if I said anything offensive or anything too.. this is my first experience with anything apart from being straight and I know this isn't my place. Are there any next steps I should take? Anything I should ask/discuss with her next?

I appreciate any advice anyone has. Thanks for your time.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey @Barryy.Do you think you could be satisfied with non-sexual physical intimacy? Because that might be something you can both work on.. but it sounds to me like she might not ever desire you sexually. Her being on the asexual spectrum can mean it won't change for her, and that the best she can do is try to do it for you despite not wanting to, which a lot of sexual people will feel it's not what they want with a partner. 

 

The reason I asked if you're ok with non-sexual intimacy is because often the thought of it leading to sex can actually work against whatever natural draw to intimacy she can have. It's been my experience and a lot of others. And even then it depends how it all is for her. 
I think you should hold off on marriage because if sex is important intimacy for you then it unfortunately might not be fulfilling to you. I think it'll take some important conversations in any case.

[Barryy]

14 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hey @Barryy.Do you think you could be satisfied with non-sexual physical intimacy? Because that might be something you can both work on.. but it sounds to me like she might not ever desire you sexually. Her being on the asexual spectrum can mean it won't change for her, and that the best she can do is try to do it for you despite not wanting to, which a lot of sexual people will feel it's not what they want with a partner. 

 

The reason I asked if you're ok with non-sexual intimacy is because often the thought of it leading to sex can actually work against whatever natural draw to intimacy she can have. It's been my experience and a lot of others. And even then it depends how it all is for her. 
I think you should hold off on marriage because if sex is important intimacy for you then it unfortunately might not be fulfilling to you. I think it'll take some important conversations in any case.

Hey @Sarah-Sylvia, by non-sexual intimacy you mean things like cuddling, hugging, etc? I do love those things, but I don't know if I only had those I'd be satisfied with only that forever. I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon lol, I just don't know if how things are ever going to lead to that if I will never be at least somewhat satisfied.

I'm not sure if I quite understand when you say the thought of it leading to sex can work against her natural draw to intimacy. Does that mean, lets say I initiate that non-sexual intimacy with her, the expectation of it leading to sex turns her off of the idea of it? 

 

[Liara]

Yes. If she fears cuddles can lead to sex, she could avoid cuddles to avoid sex. You could tell her when you have absolutely no sex in mind. It could help her.

But don’t hope she will change with time. She will not. The only change it could happen would be less and less sex, never the contrary. And if it’s already rough for you now, imagine after 5 years, 10 years or more…

[Olallieberry]

It seems to be really common around here that we see a couple who have everything totally great between them except for this one thing — a sexuality mismatch.

 

Being in such a situation makes it really, really hard to know whether that one thing is enough to end it over, or, whether a lifetime of mismatch, rejection, and/or celibacy is endurable.

 

You're very young. Imagine finding this out after 20 years of being together, and how much harder that would be: Kids, commingled finances, property ownership, family expectations, etc. are all severe obstacles to certain kinds of solutions.

 

I'm not saying this in order to suggest that you end it. What I'm saying it for is to show you what the stakes are. Because it's too easy to create stronger and stronger bonds, greater and greater commitments, to a person one might have an incompatibility with, when one doesn't know about the incompatibility. And then wind up feeling like it's too late.

 

There are basically 🔗 these four options 🔗. The two of you seem like you're capable of talking about them.

 

Although, you did tell us that with regard to rejecting your sexual advances, "She doesn't word it/handle it in the best way". So maybe there are some defense mechanisms which could get in the way of effective communication.

 

Maybe. Or, maybe what's happening there is that your advances are crossing a boundary for her - a  boundary which she has already expressed? Maybe, maybe not? I can't really tell. Of course she's going to be defensive if she feels like a boundary is being crossed. I'll leave it to you to think about whether that's why when she says "no" it feels like harsh rejection instead of like politely declining.

 

You have been very, very patient. It could be worthwhile to be patient for a while longer, and to not make sexual advances or ask for sexual activity, even where you're just the giver and not asking for her to do anything. Putting the sex and the expectation of sex completely on hold can really help to create a space inside of which to figure out together what this means, what kind of long-term relationship you want to have together, and what each of your boundaries really are, and what each of you will do to defend those boundaries.

 

There's a nice side effect to saying out loud to each other that you agree sex and expectations of sex are off limits - temporarily or otherwise. What can happen when couples like ours do this is, it can restore the "innocent" kind of affection. The kind one or both of you fear, because of feeling like someone is going to want to "make it sexual." If that fear is preventing the two of you from enjoying regular old non-sexual affection, and you're missing that, then, this is a way to get that back. And being able to express affection goes a really long way toward being able to communicate about difficult stuff which is going to make one or the other or both of you scared and emotional.

[Barryy]

I will bring these to the table when we talk next. I'm optimistic to finding a compromise we can both be happy with. I will bring all these thoughts to the table when we talk next.  Thank you all so much for helping/enlightening me.

[uhtred]

Having been in a badly mismatched sexual relationship for most of my life, I don't recommend it.  Peoples sexuality tends not to change and for most people its "important".  By "important", I mean that not being able to have the sex life they want (which can include no sex for asexuals) makes many people broadly unhappy. Your options are sadly pretty limited:

 

Talk to her, see if there is a level of compromise that makes BOTH of you happy.

 

Have sex outside of the relationship IF this is something that works for BOTH of you.  

 

Separate and each find someone more compatible. 

 

Do nothing, and expect to spend the relationship with you feeling rejected, unhappy and her feeling pressured (even if you never say anything) and inadequate.  The longer you do this, the more difficult it will be to change things in the future. 

 

for a relatively short term relationship, my feeling is that separating is the least bad option.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with either of your sexualities, but you both have a right to be happy 

[nanogretchen4]

"On the asexual side of the spectrum" is like "a little bit pregnant." Either someone is asexual or they are not asexual. If someone is asexual, that is their sexual orientation. If someone is asexual, they might be a heteroromantic asexual, but they are not heterosexual, and they are not straight. Asexuality is a full fledged queer sexual orientation. 

 

Right now your girlfriend may be questioning. She may not be sure what her sexual orientation is. Or she may be pretty sure but not quite far enough along in her coming out journey to embrace the label. That's fine and completely understandable. I still think it might help you process the reality of your situation if you practice stating clearly that your girlfriend is probably asexual, which means she is probably not straight.

[Sally]

5 hours ago, Barryy said:

I'm optimistic to finding a compromise we can both be happy with.

Try to not be optimistic; instead, just clearly look at what you want, now and in future, and whether it would be enough for you.  Compromise doesn't usually mean that a couple is happy; it means that they each have some of what they want and some of what they don't want.  

[Ceebs]

15 hours ago, Barryy said:

Having a physical relationship with my partner is important to me

You're a 21-year-old heterosexual man who has never had even one truly successful and enjoyable experience with sexual intercourse yet, and otherwise your only sexual experiences are pleasuring a woman who sometimes enjoys it but is far less interested in anything sexual than you are. You describe yourself as someone who dates to marry.

 

Please think very carefully about that and whether you're prepared for your current situation to become the rest of your life, or alternatively if you don't mind both of you becoming increasingly unhappy and then navigating divorce. Choose wisely; neither of you deserves to be in longterm emotional pain. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

13 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

"On the asexual side of the spectrum" is like "a little bit pregnant." Either someone is asexual or they are not asexual. If someone is asexual, that is their sexual orientation. If someone is asexual, they might be a heteroromantic asexual, but they are not heterosexual, and they are not straight. Asexuality is a full fledged queer sexual orientation. 

 

Right now your girlfriend may be questioning. She may not be sure what her sexual orientation is. Or she may be pretty sure but not quite far enough along in her coming out journey to embrace the label. That's fine and completely understandable. I still think it might help you process the reality of your situation if you practice stating clearly that your girlfriend is probably asexual, which means she is probably not straight.

Obviously it has to be accepted as who they are, their orientation, but someone can be on the asexual side of the sexual spectrum, it's totally valid to talk about it that way too.
It doesn't lessen the impact, like how I'm graysexual and it is an issue for compatibility with sexual people.

I think it comes down to if sex is important to a sexual partner or not.