Questions about Boundaries with Sex-repulsed Aces

[Cornersun]

Had a friend tell me they are a sex-repulsed Ace, and since then I've educated myself more on the topic through this forum as well as reading books (notably Ace Voices and Ace by Angela Chen). Nothing mentioned about things I should note when communicating with them. For example, this friend sent me a picture of their haircut, and I wasn't sure if I could compliment it without making them uncomfortable, as it might be perceived as hitting on them. Admittedly, I also tend to have a tendency to flirt with close friends or use pick-up lines as a joke. This friend had never shown any visible signs of discomfort towards those, but I worry I've made a mistake and should rectify it. Any thoughts?

[Liara]

I don’t think your friend would be uncomfortable just because you said their haircut is good.

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Cornersun said:

Had a friend tell me they are a sex-repulsed Ace, and since then I've educated myself more on the topic through this forum as well as reading books (notably Ace Voices and Ace by Angela Chen). Nothing mentioned about things I should note when communicating with them. For example, this friend sent me a picture of their haircut, and I wasn't sure if I could compliment it without making them uncomfortable, as it might be perceived as hitting on them. Admittedly, I also tend to have a tendency to flirt with close friends or use pick-up lines as a joke. This friend had never shown any visible signs of discomfort towards those, but I worry I've made a mistake and should rectify it. Any thoughts?

Everyone is different, and if you really want to be sensitive to your friend's boundaries, you can show them you care by asking them about their boundaries.

[nanogretchen4]

If someone sends you a picture highlighting something that is a fashion choice, like a hairstyle or an outfit, I think it is appropriate to compliment them in a way that is not sexually suggestive. For example, the hairstyle is cool, or radical. You love the color of the new outfit. Just don't use words like hot or sexy and don't comment on the body or physical characteristics of the person wearing it. 

[Cornersun]

3 hours ago, Liara said:

I don’t think your friend would be uncomfortable just because you said their haircut is good.

Yeah but my first response that I typed out and deleted was "Oh nice, it looks good on you.", which could potentially seem like I'm hitting on them or something. Plus, in the future there's likely more cases like this, so I wanted to get a more general consensus.

[Cornersun]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Everyone is different, and if you really want to be sensitive to your friend's boundaries, you can show them you care by asking them about their boundaries.

Ah alright, I was afraid it might be too awkward or insensitive to outright ask, but hopefully it goes well.

[Sally]

4 hours ago, Cornersun said:

"Oh nice, it looks good on you."

That sounds like a very nice thing to say.  They're probably hoping someone would say that.

[pickles]

On 6/7/2025 at 5:06 PM, Cornersun said:

so I wanted to get a more general consensus.

Each Ace is so different, there is no consensus.  I'm Ace, for example, but I crack dirty jokes with my close friends all the time (I don't have any close asexual friends, so these jokes are with sexuals).  But with people I didn't know as well, those kinds of jokes never come up.

[Philip027]

To some people, ANY sort of interaction between two people can be construed as "hitting" on them.  Hell, even deliberately ignoring the person might be interpreted as just "playing hard to get" or something.  There isn't any way to win with these sorts of people.

 

People don't generally send other people pictures of themselves, their haircuts, etc without expecting at least some kind of feedback.  Just say what you mean.  If people read meaning into it that you didn't intend (and certainly didn't actually say), that's a them problem.  🤷‍♂️