Asexual husband?

[DisplayName77]

First off I must say that I do not mean to offend anyone in my question, I don’t know all the terminology so apologies in advance!

I’m a 48 yr old straight woman who has been with her husband (49) for 11 years. I have children from a previous marriage, he has none though was married previously.  Over the last 7 years our sex life got less and less and now it’s been 2.5 years without any sexual activity.  We have talked about it and he says he just doesn’t see sex as being that important and doesn’t really care to ever have sex again.  I’m confused for many reasons, we had a lot of great sex for the first few years but then it died off.  It’s hard to not blame my appearance (I have low self esteem) but I know he does love me and I know he does not cheat.  I guess I’m wondering how/why we had so much sex to begin with… he claims he was never super into having sex but he did, I guess cos if he didn’t we likely wouldn’t have stayed together.  Cos I’m not sure how I would have felt meeting someone and never having sex with them.  I was certainly the aggressor (for want of a better word) in our sex-capades.  He knows I would accept him and support him if he was gay and I have asked him a number of times if that might be it and he claims not.  I know that Asexuality is a genuine orientation (or lack of?) but it’s so hard to wrap my head around.  He is a wonderful man who loves me and my kids (like they are his own) and we both strongly suspect he is on the spectrum too.  He is an introvert to my extrovert but with people he is comfortable with he is a little outgoing.  He isn’t like other guys and wasn’t from the get go, just way more considerate and honest than many.  When we have talked about the possibility of him being asexual he also told me that his lack of sexual desire was a problem in his past relationships.  I love him, but I don’t know how to feel about this and it constantly plays on my mind.  Any advice, thoughts….? All welcome, and apologies for this being quite long! 

[Olallieberry]

30 minutes ago, DisplayName77 said:

We have talked about it and he says he just doesn’t see sex as being that important

It's not just "unimportant" to him, he's understating the fact that he is actively wanting there to be no sex. And he seems to disregard you when you express that you DO see it as important.

 

From over here, that looks like an even bigger problem than the sexuality mis-match. How are you two supposed to work on things if he won't speak transparently and won't pay attention to what you're saying and feeling?

 

This is going to be very hard. Even if you get to where you two can effectively communicate with each other, without one of you having your feelings, needs and statements ignored and disregarded, then you'll still have a lot of work to do together to figure out what to do about this.

 

We generally tell people there are four options for couples like this. None of them are easy. Not everyone chooses the same options.

 

You aren't happy about being expected to be celibate.

 

He isn't going to make himself available for sex.

 

At this point, even if he did, would that do anything for you? Knowing he would be doing it as a "duty" or suchlike, without him enjoying or even really wanting it for his own sake?

 

Speaking for myself, I told my asexual wife "let's just stop this" because it was so one-sided, performative, unsexy and empty. So now the mutual expectation is that we just won't have sex with each other. She's my loved one but not my lover.

 

This is going to be hard for you no matter what, but you have this additional obstacle of him getting what he wants (no sex) while he actively keeps himself oblivious to what you're saying, feeling and needing.

 

There is a whole section on this website, For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies, full of stories similar to yours and mine, with a variety of different outcomes. It is surprisingly common that mis-matched couples like this start off with lots of seemingly good sex, and then die in the bed later. Sometimes the other partner winds up identifying as asexual, sometimes they don't.

[FJO8]

Moved from QaA to SPFA

 

FJO8

moderator for JFF and QaA

Edited June 3 by FJO8

[Sally]

Hi, @DisplayName77, welcome to AVEN.

 

I'm asexual, and have been on AVEN for around 20 years now, since the time I heard about asexuality and realized that fit me, and had done all my life.  What AVEN has traditionally said is that it is up to everyone to decide whether they are asexual; others should not tell them that they are -- nor should we tell anyone that their partner is.

 

However -- everything that you have told us about your husband says "asexuaity."  He isn't interested in sex, he could very well do without it, and his disinterest has been a problem in his previous relationships.  Because asexuality still isn't well-known, it's possible/probable that this didn't come through to you very well in the first several years -- and you say that you were usually the one to initiate.  It's also probably the case that he didn't realize that his feelings (or lack of them) were unusual, because of the same reason.  

 

This is very difficult for you, and I'm going to say what may not be what others would say -- they would probably say "you two have to discuss it right away."  Instead, I strongly urge you to think about this on your own for a while before you initiate any conversation with your husband.  There is nothing that he can do to change who he is, and there is nothing you can do to change yourself.  You are incompatible as far as what is an important part of marriage to you.  Think about whether you can continue the loving relationship you have without sex.  Think about whether you want to possibly ask him to consider a sexual relationship together but in a less-than-often and less-than-impassioned way -- "just enough" so that you don't entirely live a celibate life with him.  Or whether he (and you) are willing to consider having you look for sex outside the marriage, as long as your marriage continues.  These are considerations that he can't really help you with; it's up to you.  Then talk to him.  Of course, if he wants to discuss things now, then you could bring up your confusion and indeterminate feelings.  It's likely he will understand that you are having those feelings.

 

Good luck.  

[uhtred]

This is an extremely difficult situation and you will find a number of people here to at least commiserate, if not offer a lot of help.  There is nothing wrong with your wanting sex as part of a romantic relationship, for some people sex is literally the difference between romance and friendship. There is nothing wrong with his not wanting sex. The problem is that those are deeply incompatible.

 

Its not unusual for asexuals to have active sex lives for some of their relationship because they thought they "should".  I know its deeply unpleasant to think about this  - but it happens. I've seen this described from both sides of this.  

 

I'm the sexual person in a mixed marriage, so I know how crushing it is.   My one bit of advice is not to wait an hope it gets better - it hasn't for me in over 30 years of marriage. Don't be me. 

 

Your options are sadly limited:

Compromise if possible, where he has some sex (but sexual "favors" may not be at all what you want. 

Leave. so each of you can find a more compatible partner 

Sex outside of marriage either as an open marriage or cheating  (not making value judgements, just listing all options)

Go without sex. 

 

I wish there were a better solution. 

 

[Crunchy Demon]

Sit that man down and talk with him candidly. If he is not listening, you need to consider the very real possibility of leaving. This is no longer a, "We are not compatible because of my needs" thing. It is a, "He disregards me despite not being overtly abusive" thing. As an asexual who is also aromantic, if any of the people I held close felt unheard or unseen, I would be pissed.

You should be pissed.
Consider: what else does he disregard about you? If you think on it, this is a lot. 

[Frameshift07]

1 hour ago, Crunchy Demon said:

You should be pissed.

How does that help anyone?

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Frameshift07 said:

How does that help anyone?

How does repressing it help?

 

What does “help” even mean to you? I’m having a hard time understanding what point of view motivates a comment like that.
 

You get pissed about things. Sometimes anger is righteous. But even more important than whether it’s righteous or not, sometimes anger gives someone the impetus to change something that’s intolerable.

 

Sometimes someone has to have intolerability pointed out to them in order to break through the gaslighting.

 

Repressing anger can impede making good choices. I mean, of course excessive anger can, too, but sometimes a person needs permission to be angry at mistreatment. Denying that permission… or, denying another person the permission to validate someone’s anger, just seems like more gaslighting.

 

 

[Frameshift07]

1 hour ago, Olallieberry said:

How does repressing it help?

 

What does “help” even mean to you? I’m having a hard time understanding what point of view motivates a comment like that.
 

You get pissed about things. Sometimes anger is righteous. But even more important than whether it’s righteous or not, sometimes anger gives someone the impetus to change something that’s intolerable.

 

Sometimes someone has to have intolerability pointed out to them in order to break through the gaslighting.

 

Repressing anger can impede making good choices. I mean, of course excessive anger can, too, but sometimes a person needs permission to be angry at mistreatment. Denying that permission… or, denying another person the permission to validate someone’s anger, just seems like more gaslighting.

 

 

Why don't we take a step back, and you tell me what there is to this post besides a simple misunderstanding. Nevermind the husband having to live in a society that coerces people into sex and repressing a lack of desire to do so (if anything, HE should be angry for that), what has he done wrong in being transparent about the fact he doesn't want sex? Isn't it up to the OP to explain that she needs sex?

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Frameshift07 said:

what has he done wrong in being transparent about the fact he doesn't want sex?

It may be true that he's being transparent about that, I honestly can't tell. It's transparent to us but we're used to seeing it and we know what that looks like. I actually said he's not being transparent about it in my previous post, because it looks and sounds to me, based on how OP told the story, like what he's doing instead of making a boundary for himself is, he's treating her need for sex — which she's explaining to him just fine — as unimportant.

 

It can be unimportant, to him, that's fine.

 

The gaslighting is when he's telling her it's unimportant to the relationship, or acting like it should be unimportant to her personally.

 

"Unimportant to the relationship" is not transparent, if what he really means is "it's important to me to have no sex in the relationship." If that's what he really means, he shouldn't act like he's disregarding her need, he should act like he's taking her need seriously enough to directly address it and show her an actual boundary.

 

Maybe it's a matter of wording. We saw OP say he said he "doesn't really care to ever have sex again."  I can't tell if that was stated or delivered in such a way as to make transparently clear that that's a boundary and he's in fact insisting that there will be no more sex. Or if he's being wishy-washy and saying he "doesn't care" which implies that even though he might not be interested, he might could still maybe do it some day if the other person makes a big enough problem over it. To me that wouldn't be transparent at all, especially in combination with saying it's "not important" when it's really very very important to him that there be no sex.

 

So I can't tell.

 

But if he IS ignoring her needs and minimizing her arguments and erasing her sexuality by trying to persuade her to get over it and just be celibate, that's ... Well, that would be what's wrong. I think it is very worthwhile to invite OP to consider whether this is what's happening. It looked that way to some of us, but we weren't there. And sometimes the perspective of other people makes someone realize something they didn't see before, until other people pointed it out.

 

I concede that maybe the husband isn't being as dismissive as what I am talking about above. Maybe he's being more transparent than I perceive it, based on what little we were told. So, if he is, then there's nothing wrong with that. 

 

1 hour ago, Frameshift07 said:

Isn't it up to the OP to explain that she needs sex?

Do you mean to suggest that she hasn't done so?

 

It's not totally clear to what extent she has spelled that out in exactly so many words - "I need sex." But it's clear she has been proactive about making clear that the lack of it is difficult for her and that it's something she wants to understand. So my mind didn't leap to "maybe she hasn't told him." I'm surprised at that suggestion but it does make me re-read and realize that we don't know what she has said.

 

But just in case she hasn't been transparent, that wouldn't make it OK for him to gaslight her over whatever it was she did say.

 

Maybe nobody's gaslighting anybody. Maybe they're both just not being transparent. Maybe they're both being afraid to just say what their priorities and boundaries are, and it is just a misunderstanding.

 

In which case, you would be right, there would be nothing for anyone to be pissed about.

 

I think that we just don't know, and it's not wrong to say, hey, maybe that is happening, and if it were, then anger would be called for.

[Frameshift07]

5 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Maybe nobody's gaslighting anybody. Maybe they're both just not being transparent. Maybe they're both being afraid to just say what their priorities and boundaries are, and it is just a misunderstanding.

 

In which case, you would be right, there would be nothing for anyone to be pissed about.

 

I think that we just don't know, and it's not wrong to say, hey, maybe that is happening, and if it were, then anger would be called for.

The magic of not jumping the gun on a relationship we don't really know about. We both know "But if he IS ignoring her needs and minimizing her arguments and erasing her sexuality by trying to persuade her to get over it and just be celibate" is an entirely fabricated scenario that probably didn't actually happen. Frankly, it's possible one is reading much too deep for some sinister undertones.

 

And hey, to be honest, as an ace who is painfully aware of how terribly we're treated, it's possible I'm biased towards other ace people who are more likely than not to be terrified of what opening up might do in a world where you're treated like a freak for not being interested in sex.

 

And, you know, @everywhere and nowhere is right about the aces' side always being understated. People are quick to make a big deal out of the husband simply saying he doesn't find sex interesting, but not the possibility of pain or isolation he  could have endured going through sex. Is it possible that it's unfair to fixate on OP's for-the-moment celibacy while ignoring the fact OP got the husband to have sex in a manner where, in her own words, "I was certainly the aggressor?"