Quriousq Posted June 2 Share Posted June 2 Hi all, I am recently married to my amazing wife. We been together 4 years and married for 1. About 2 years ago I noticed my wife having less and less interest or satisfaction in sex. It has been a long while without having any. We have had talks and that is something she doesn’t crave or feels satisfied in. She was only doing it because it was “normal” so I been supportive and exploring her asexuality but unfortunately for me, I still want to have passionate sex. We talked about being open but she will be devastated. I will never cheat or want anything without her being ok with it. I won’t ever force her to do anything she doesn’t want to but how do I feel desired again. I know she loves me with all her heart and she is my forever person. I know this is just an adjustment and we will be stronger than ever. I just don’t want years to go by and resentment or anything else builds. I want to be a good partner to her just feeling loss and unwanted. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liara Posted June 2 Share Posted June 2 Sadly there is no magical solution. You want something she can’t give you. Even if she wanted, she can’t. She can’t desire you, she can have passionate sex with you. That’s an impossible and unfair situation, I know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted June 2 Share Posted June 2 Wondering this both in general and also to help expand your thoughts, but what makes the difference between being wanted romantically vs wanted sexually? (in terms of meaningfulness) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olallieberry Posted June 2 Share Posted June 2 Welcome to AVEN and to FSPFA. You might have to choose between "she is my forever person" and "years to go by and resentment or anything else builds." If the solution is feeling wanted sexually, it's probably going to have to be with someone else. So maybe the solution is spending years resolving resentment. I don't think it's likely that you can both not be wanted sexually while in this committed life partnership, and not have a problem with that as long as you are together. 1 hour ago, Quriousq said: We talked about being open but she will be devastated What about you? Could that actually work for you? This is the situation my wife and I were in about three years ago. Luckily we are both capable of talking about this stuff without a lot of hurt feelings, defensiveness, blamey behavior, maladaptive defense mechanisms, and fear and shame around being honest and transparent. We really can talk to each other about anything. Anything. We fully trust each other to not weaponize each other's vulnerability. So, there was a long process. The end result is an open marriage. Could something like that work for you, yourself? If that were something you think you might want, is there any chance at all that your wife might adapt over time to agree with that? You can't persuade her. But can she recognize how impossible the situation you're in is? Can she recognize that "fidelity" might mean something different to a couple where one person doesn't want to have any sex at all? Can she recognize how inevitable it is that you're going to suffer if you aren't granted any kind of an outlet? Take your time, but don't wait forever. People spend years and years feeling stuck and dying inside over this. Your wife is going to get what she wants: No sex. That's easy. Can she meet you half way and really be there for you, witnessing your suffering, empathizing with your bereavement? Is she willing to witness how hard this is for you, how hard it is going to be for you for as long as you're together? Is she willing to allow you to show her how important this is to you? Is she willing to leave no stone un-turned to find a solution? It's OK to say "no" to one option, but if she closes the door on extramarital sex, what else is she willing to explore? My wife and I tried everything. It took a long time before my wife figured out for herself that non-monogamy was the way for us to go. What almost broke us up wasn't the sexual issues, it was a period when we couldn't talk to each other about this stuff. The communication and trust was a much bigger problem than the sex, and that's what almost did us in. I'm not trying to convince you that an extramarital agreement is the solution for the two of you. I know you talked about it, but I don't even know if you'd really want that. I'm just illustrating a couple of key ideas: 1. Take your time, but don't wait forever. Give her time and space to process what you're showing her and to figure out whether she's going to do anything to help make it easier for you and for your partnership. 2. Communication is more important than anything. Loved-ones should trust each other to witness each other's hardest feelings and empathize with each other's suffering. If she doesn't do that for you, can you abide that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quriousq Posted June 2 Author Share Posted June 2 1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said: Wondering this both in general and also to help expand your thoughts, but what makes the difference between being wanted romantically vs wanted sexually? (in terms of meaningfulness) Nothing. Just I feel like that’s also been taken a back seat as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah-Sylvia Posted June 2 Share Posted June 2 8 minutes ago, Quriousq said: Nothing. Just I feel like that’s also been taken a back seat as well Maybe you could talk on the romantic part? Assuming she's romantic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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