I think my husband may be asexual

[SpringSunshine7]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4. When we didn’t live together, we saw each other only at the weekends and sex happened once and at the same time (the Friday as soon as we met up). As this was a regular occurrence I didn’t think anything of it, but now I wonder if this was to get it out of the way.

 

Fast-forward to us getting married, we didn’t have sex on our wedding night as we were both exhausted. But he did initiate the day after. We had sex again a couple of months later, but it has now been 3.5 years since any physical intimacy.

He could no longer remain aroused. Every 6 months or so I have brought this up, as it has deeply affected my confidence in my appearance and I need to feel desired in a relationship. Lately this has come to a head as I turned 33 and the thought of never being wanted in that way again and that I always wanted children has meant I have sunk into a deep depression.

 

Through those years I have been given several explanations. At first he said it was anxiety, but he hadn’t suffered from this before we got married. He asked me not to initiate as it made him feel under pressure. I stopped initiating at this point, as I didn’t want to cause him stress. After a year I asked why he didn’t kiss me anymore and he said it was incase I thought it might lead somewhere

 

Later he said he thought he might have low Testosterone, had it checked and although on the low side, it wasn’t low enough to be the cause.

 

He then said it was a physical issue which caused him some discomfort, although this problem existed when we were having sex regularly. He had a minor operation a year ago (2.5 years with no sex), and although I felt this was a really positive and proactive move, he hasn’t initiated anything in the year since.

 

Over the last year, the lack of intimacy on any level has really taken a toll on my mental health. And with that, I have now lost my desire for him. I felt I waited longer than most people would, but I couldn’t keep seeing someone in a romantic or sexual way who was showing me none of those things themselves.

 

2 weeks ago I asked if he thought he might be gay. He said no. I then asked if he might be asexual. He hesitated a little but said he didn’t think so. I asked if he masturbates and he said yes, when I go out. I understand asexuality is a spectrum and masturbation is still part of some asexual people’s lives. I really wonder if he is asexual. 
 

Any perspective or advice would be really appreciated. I feel so alone.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@SpringSunshine7 Hi. 

I'm sorry to hear how much it's affected you. I wonder if sex was at least not on the table at all, if physical intimacy besides that could be brought back, but at the same time I don't know if that's enough for you. I bring it up because for me, knowing intimacy would lead to sex definitely put negative feelings around it, which is really unpleasant because I love physical intimacy. But anyway, I see a lot of signs that you talked about with your husband that I relate to, and even though we can't label him for him, I do think there's strong changes he could be on the asexual spectrum. I'm graysexual and was more interested in sex in the past and then it fell off when I realized it wasn't meaningful to me. 

It feels like in your husband's case he maybe hasn't really realized what it means to him. And if he does have libido and masturbate then it doesn't seem to be about low libido.

 

All that said, he has to be the one to recognize how things are for him, and maybe the excuses given aren't the full picture. Plus there are other ways to be sexual together if he really did want that. It's hard for a guy, because masculine culture says sex makes you a man, and those excuses may be what's making the thin thread of pride barely hold up, it's hard to accept for some. But the reality is that human sexuality is diverse, and there can be incompatibility because of that.

 

This will take having proper talks, and you can't force him to have sex.. so the question left for you is what do you want to do? Do you want to say that sex is off the table to try to bring back physical intimacy? Do you want to ask to open the relationship to feel desired somewhere else? Or end it? You don't need to make that decision quickly, you can give yourself time, including to talk together about things more. I know it's hard, but I hope you both can be understanding of each other. 

 

It's not you, you're not unloved/unattractive. It's the circumstances. I hope you can recognize this <3.

[Liara]

Have you asked him if he wants to have sex or if he can go without it forever?

Ace or not is not really important. A label will change nothing. The real question is : does he want to have sex with you? Does he desire you?  What you told us makes me think he doesn’t really care about sex. And there is no reason something change after 10 years.

And if you need to feel desired, there is very few chances it happens in your relationship if that never happened before.

 

Does he want to work on that with you? Does he understand your situation? Does he care? Is he ready to hear you?

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, SpringSunshine7 said:

I asked why he didn’t kiss me anymore and he said it was incase I thought it might lead somewhere

I have two reactions to this:

 

First, you cannot ignore that what he's literally saying is that he does NOT want it to lead somewhere.

 

Something to think about.

 

Second, in the situation where it isn't clear whether there's any way to restore any amount of sexual intimacy to the relationship, there are quite a few of us in this situation who have talked to our possibly-asexual partners about restoring other kinds of affection and intimacy by saying out loud with words that it won't go anywhere unless THEY want it to. Like, tell them they can trust us to not turn it into something they don't want.

 

This doesn't restore sex. But it does restore other kinds of affection and intimacy. And without ANY outlet at all for affection and intimacy, the relationship probably can't survive.

 

How do you think he would react if you said to him that you were completely disregarding any expectation of, or hope for, sex, and that he can safely kiss you or show you other affection?

 

It could be that he wants the closeness too, but fears participating in it or initiating it because he fears you'll make it sexual. So he might really like this idea if you just talk out loud about it and show him that he doesn't have to be afraid of that.

 

Now, this doesn't solve the problem. But it can improve your relationship enough that it makes working on the problem easier because you have a refreshed sense of trust in each other and connection to each other.

 

This idea comes from the book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. If you're into using books as an aid to personal development or struggles, it's a great one for couples who have a sexual-expression mis-match. That could be a couple who have different levels of libido. It could be a couple who have different requirements for getting aroused or interested or in the mood. It could be a couple where one member is literally asexual.

 

5 hours ago, SpringSunshine7 said:

I have now lost my desire for him. I felt I waited longer than most people would, but I couldn’t keep seeing someone in a romantic or sexual way who was showing me none of those things themselves.

This is totally understandable. I also lost sexual desire for my asexual wife even though she was willing to "provide" some minimal amount of sexual activity. Duty-sex isn't sexy. It would seem weirdly incestuous at this point.

 

Do you think it's possible to get that back? Or is your loss of desire for him permanent? I don't expect this to ever happen, but for me to find desire for my wife again, she would have to actively seduce me back into it. She's my loved-one but not my lover.

 

Something else to think about is this:

Communication problems are probably an even bigger issue in a relationship than sexual problems. If my partner were to consistently not put empathetic effort in to communicating about this or any other important subject, that alone would send me to a lawyer, regardless of what was happening or not-happening in bed. I'm not saying your partner is doing that, I can't honestly tell.

[Ceebs]

I have nothing vastly different to add besides what @Sarah-Sylvia, @Liara and @Olallieberry already said, but...

 

7 hours ago, SpringSunshine7 said:

And with that, I have now lost my desire for him.

I wanted to reiterate that this is absolutely normal and understandable in the situation you're in. When I was still with my ex-husband, in the early years I was dealing with a lot of stuff relating to my own sexuality (shame, repression, that sort of thing) that my brain identified that something was missing from the connection, some sort of energy, but I couldn't actually identify that it was largely down to that lack of mutual sexual desire. I felt weird and bad enough about my own sexuality and hadn't got to a better place with that to even understand how much I really needed sexual intimacy to be part of what we shared. I used to have what I guess were like little breakdowns, where I'd spend the evening crying and often asking my ex questions like 'Don't you feel something is missing too?' He seemed baffled and his answer was invariably a confused 'No'. As we got along very well otherwise (and still do, he's one of my best friends), I thought something was wrong with me for not... feeling it. Because eventually that's what happened, the same thing you described. I certainly didn't desire him, and I didn't have romantic feelings anymore either. Any attempts by him to be romantic became really uncomfortable for me. It starts feeling really awkward and even 'wrong' somehow when you're trying to act like you're romantically in love with someone who feels like a combination of close friend and family member but without the other components.

 

And yep, it'll take a toll on your mental health and it's very easy to internalise everything and wonder if it's your fault somehow or feeling guilty for wanting the type of connection you do. Everything else aside, since others above have covered a lot of points, would individual therapy (not couple's therapy at this point) be an option for you in terms of both your general mental wellbeing and helping you sort out how you might want to move forward with your marriage? (I know it isn't for everyone, like financially sometimes.) I'm remarried now, my husband came from a very similar situation (and used to be a very active member here too) and he did a year or so of therapy before deciding to split from his ex-wife. A lot of it ended up delving into separate childhood abuse stuff, but a lot of that played into patterns in his relationship, having trouble advocating for himself, even why he ended up with someone with the temperament his ex-wife had (there were issues there with emotional unavailability in general, not just sexual and romantic stuff). Your ultimate choice may or may not be the same, but therapy can be a great clarifier in helping you start to sort through what needs to be addressed.

 

Edit: My ex was very openly questioning if he was asexual at the time and I knew that, so that's one difference. When I first got to know him, because of my own history with sexual stuff, I was confused about myself as well and thought that maybe sex didn't matter that much to me. I realised it did, he realised it didn't, and identifies as ace now and has for a very long time. He did the hormones test thing too, everything was normal with him. And we did have occasional sex in the first few years of being together, as he wasn't averse/repulsed. Just not desiring of it. We did stop eventually though, but stayed together in a completely platonic marriage for a number of years afterwards and then... I couldn't anymore.

[pickles]

7 hours ago, SpringSunshine7 said:

I understand asexuality is a spectrum and masturbation is still part of some asexual people’s lives.

I'm asexual, but pro-orgasm.  Orgasms feel great!  I'm much better at giving myself orgasms than anyone else is, I think, and I have no desire for partnered sex.

[Olallieberry]

Well, saying it that way makes it sound like everyone else is just "bad at sex," which is not the issue at all.

[pickles]

24 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Well, saying it that way makes it sound like everyone else is just "bad at sex," which is not the issue at all.

Not at all what I meant.  I'm talking about my own unique experience.  It took me a long time to figure out I'm asexual, as I'm biromantic and not sex-averse.  It was very confusing.  My story is long and took years.

[Olallieberry]

I know it isn't what you meant. I would just hate for the OP to read it that way, is all. She's already having a hard enough time without feeling like it's happening because the husband just does it better himself.

 

It's just totally not about that at all.

[SpringSunshine7]

Hi All,

 

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

 

An update:

 

I told him I thought the best thing would be to divorce, and gave him some space to think about things by moving to my parents for a few days.

 

He was going on a business trip in the week so said I could go back to the house to get more things whilst he was gone.

 

Badly hidden was a book on a “quick and cheap” divorce, read front to back and highlighted throughout.

 

I also thought it best I had a copy of the marriage certificate, which last I knew was kept in his bedside table. This is where they were kept when I had to send one off to change the name on my passport. There I discovered a newly purchased, open box of 12 condoms with 2 missing (presumably they have gone on the business trip with him).

 

I can now only conclude that he just didn’t want me.

 

 

[Ceebs]

Goodness... that's quite the update and I'm so sorry that's the situation you're facing now. I suppose it's best to have a clearer sense of what's likely going on though, instead of ongoing painful confusion that's taking a toll on your mental health.

 

I hope the hardest parts of the divorce and disentanglement of your shared life manage to go as smoothly as they can and that much happier things lie ahead for you -- in life in general, and in the realm of relationships eventually (if that's something you want for yourself again in time), with someone who's honest and treats you with respect and loves and desires you in the ways you need.

[Ceebs]

Also your husband making very little effort to keep something like that book and the box of condoms in a more private place seems incredibly thoughtless and perhaps cruel to me. Almost like he wanted you to find them. The title of the book is a bit crass, but I guess that's whatever. It's more like... either it's an amicable situation and you're reading through things together, or he feels no need to hide the book at all since it's something you've already begun discussing. Also the condoms... that sends a pretty clear message, intended to hurt, or at least not giving a damn if it does. You don't deserve such thoughtless or intentionally uncaring behaviour.

[Liara]

I think the technical term for that kind of man is « asshole ». You certainly will be better without him. Good luck!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

That didn't turn out like I thought. I'm really sorry.

[Vero Totem]

On 6/8/2025 at 12:52 AM, Ceebs said:

Goodness... that's quite the update and I'm so sorry that's the situation you're facing now. I suppose it's best to have a clearer sense of what's likely going on though, instead of ongoing painful confusion that's taking a toll on your mental health.

 

I hope the hardest parts of the divorce and disentanglement of your shared life manage to go as smoothly as they can and that much happier things lie ahead for you -- in life in general, and in the realm of relationships eventually (if that's something you want for yourself again in time), with someone who's honest and treats you with respect and loves and desires you in the ways you need.

 

On 6/8/2025 at 1:01 AM, Ceebs said:

Also your husband making very little effort to keep something like that book and the box of condoms in a more private place seems incredibly thoughtless and perhaps cruel to me. Almost like he wanted you to find them. The title of the book is a bit crass, but I guess that's whatever. It's more like... either it's an amicable situation and you're reading through things together, or he feels no need to hide the book at all since it's something you've already begun discussing. Also the condoms... that sends a pretty clear message, intended to hurt, or at least not giving a damn if it does. You don't deserve such thoughtless or intentionally uncaring behaviour.

I wanted to say everything that @Ceebs said, so I'm just quoting it here.  I also share the sentiments of @Liara and @Sarah-Sylvia.  What an absolute AH and I hope you find your happiness, wherever/whenever/with whomever it may be.