Asking for insight on navigating a relationship between asexual and sexual

[Sta_]

Hi all,

 

Just to start, id like to say that im very new to learning about asexuality and all of its terms and stuff so i apologise if i get anything a little off or just plain wrong.

 

Ok so, me and my girlfriend are in a very new relationship, shes asexual, and i knew that long before getting feelings for her, but loves cuddling and kissing and spending time together. Ive been reading through the forms and wikis and all that for a couple of hours today and was just hoping for some thoughts and insights. 

 

Of course i know that communication is everything, and we havent had a talk about it just yet but i am going to ask her and learn from her how she feels about sex and what asexuality means for her.

 

I know that shes never been in any sexual relationship, encounter etc and has never experienced it, but my past relationships had lots of sex in, so its very new to me traversing one without it. 

 

Ive seen a lot about 'compromises' and 'spectrum of asexuality' and some of the other terms linking to them, like allosexual and i think i saw "nebulasexual" for example (though i dont quite understand them and what they mean), so i know a few of the main ways to navigate a relationship like this. 

 

For me personally, sex is an important thing for building a connection and trust in my partner and to learn about them and feel closer to them, but its not like a necessity or a dealbreaker. 

 

My question really just is

 

For other people in relationships between sexual and asexual people in a similar situation, how did you work it out? What kind of things did you do to strengthen your relationship? Is it really something that i should actually worry about or am i overreacting? And, how do i approach a conversation about this?

 

(Also sorry for it being so long i just realised wow)

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi.

 

3 hours ago, Sta_ said:

Of course i know that communication is everything, and we havent had a talk about it just yet but i am going to ask her and learn from her how she feels about sex and what asexuality means for her.

Well it's a good thing to know and you really should talk with her to see what it all means to her.

 

3 hours ago, Sta_ said:

For other people in relationships between sexual and asexual people in a similar situation, how did you work it out? What kind of things did you do to strengthen your relationship? Is it really something that i should actually worry about or am i overreacting? And, how do i approach a conversation about this?

Have you checked the section for sexual partners? You might get a lot of good info there. But in a lot of cases it can be a struggle for the sexual person. Some few have been able to open up the relationship, but many sexual people say they want the sexual intimacy with their partner (not just with others) so I think it can only work for some.

Even if your partner would be ok with some sexual acts, or want to do it for you, it wouldn't be the kind of sexual intimacy you'd get from someone who actually has sexual feelings for you, it's not the same. But you can continue to see what kind of intimacy you both like to connect with.

 

As someone on the asexual spectrum, when someone wants sex due to physical intimacy arousing them or wantedmore than i was 'ok' with, it really affected me negatively, and I'm glad those relationships didn't work out. The ones that did work out for me is when sex wasn't important. Some couples can make it work but it's definitely not always easy.

If it's not a dealbreaker for you then that's good. But if you do want to make it work I guess you have to focus on the forms of intimacy you both enjoy, but everything depends how important you find it is for you, and what you're both ok with. Anyway, it can be easy to feel pressure to meet what a partner wants, so definitely make sure that she doesn't feel pressured, that's what I would hope in any case.

[Liara]

You are not overreacting at all. A lot of mixed relationships don't work because of that. I definitely advise any sexual person who wants to begin a relationship with an ace person to ask precisely how their new partner lives their asexuality, what sex means for them, what their boundaries are, what they can accept. You must have a talk with her very soon to ask her.
For you sex is important but not a dealbreaker... because you had it in your past relationships. If you have an absolutely sexless relationship with her, are you sure it would be ok? Do you need to feel desired? Do you need to have an enthusiastic partner? You really need to know what you need/want. Don't let your relationship grow without knowing that, if you are uncompatible, you should know that very quickly. The more you wait the more it could become painful.

You can read some stories here : https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

[everywhere and nowhere]

Talk to her, but please be cautious. Don't underestimate the power of social norms, which already exert enormous pressure on asexual people and can make them feel like they are Bad Partners for not being open to sex.

I am deeply against anyone having unwanted sex. (I am also a sexual pessimist and I'm afraid that a large percentage of sex acts happening between different people all over the world doesn't meet the requirements of informed and fully uncoerced consent.) "Compromise sex" is not the same for all asexuals. For some it can be something they are genuinely willing to do, because even if they don't understand what is so important in sex for allosexuals, they enjoy making their partner feel happy. But for some it can be extremely traumatising and destructive. Really, it's hard to even talk about it - because after trying to present sex-favourable in a fair light without also obscuring the difference between sex-favourable asexuality and allosexuality, I feel like any portrayal of sex-averse asexuals will unwittingly become skewed: if sex-favourable asexuals enjoy making their partners feel happy, does it mean that sex-averse asexuals are cold, heartless people who don't care about their partners' happiness? Oh, they care, and this is what exerts all this pressure on them even if the partner is very careful and never knowingly exerts sexual pressure on them! Social norms already do it by themselves. But for some people the price can be much too high, some people could never have sex without doing serious mental harm to themselves. I have seen people who were traumatised enough by having pushed themselves to have sex, that I will always warn asexual people against making such decisions lightly.

Fortunately, this has never been a real problem in my own life - a beneficial side effect of a fact which I find ambigously unfortunate by itself: that I simply have no idea how do people form romantic relationships, and so I am now a 40+ person with zero relartionship experience. (To make it clear: I am nevertheless not an unhappy person, I love life despite all my problems.) But I am also aware that I'm strongly sex-averse and nudity-averse, which is another reason to feel vicariously traumatised by anyone having unwanted sex. I just cannot help empathising with them, and this only fuels my sexual pessimism and sex negativity. I don't mean that sex is bad, it's much more of an ethical passion, a searing call for a world in which sex could truly be a mutually loving experience and not - so often - an act of possession which socioculturally stronger people exert upon socioculturally weaker people.

So be careful. Would you want your partner to feel traumatised? Perhaps you could try openly talking about these social norms in order to try to disarm them. You should be proactive in telling your partner that you would never want her to sacrifice her comfort, to feel like your needs matter more than hers. You should tell her that you would never want to have sex with her if it wasn't something she genuinely wanted and genuinely felt comfortable about. Yes, this is also a sacrifice for an allosexual partner, and it already seems that you might be capable of such a sacrifice. But those who aren't should simply leave instead of traumatising people they supposedly love.

[ei-hvað]

This thread has been moved to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies forum".

 

ei-hvað,

Asexual Relationships and Open Mic moderator.

[Olallieberry]

20 hours ago, Sta_ said:

i know that communication is everything, and we havent had a talk about it just yet but i am going to ask her and learn from her how she feels about sex and what asexuality means for her

Are you prepared to answer the same questions regarding your own sexuality?

 

Here, you can practice on us:

 

What would you want to result from that conversation? Are there things you want to hear her say, regarding the prospect of the two of you ever having any sex together? Are there things you will be unhappy about hearing from her, or about not-hearing from her?

 

You can't predict what she'll say, but what is the worst that could happen? What is the best?

 

What would you want to ask for? What would you want to promise?

This is a lot of questions. It would be good to have some idea about what your own wants and needs are, because she'll probably ask, and because you will see how whatever she has to say fits in to what you have figured out, as far as your own side of it goes.

[MrDane]

First, @Sta_ you have to accept that your partner migth never “get in the mood” and it migth be off to try to turn her on. Some basic manuovres like grapping her waist or complementing her sexy breast can work counterproductivd. It can feel a bit like trying to turn on a vegan by talking about red meat.

 

sexondly, if the goal is to keep sane and have some nice sex, make sure (even more!) that that the thing is ok for her. To me/us it sure helped to remove all expectation + sexyness and keep it simple, we have sex. Mostly it for me. Very often it is kind of a businesslike agreement, put in the calendar and where she starts off by lowering some expectations. No dressing up, not much verbal about it. She says it is always nice and better this way. It is better for me, because it happens and she is okay with this arrangement.

[uhtred]

Personally, I would not recommend pursuing a new relationship when there is a significant gap in sexual interest.  Its the sort of problem that doesn't improve with time because sexuality is so innate to people.   I know that isn't what you want to hear, but some of us have tried to make this work for decades.  Some people do succeed but I feel that mixed couples where both people are happy are the exception, unhappiness is the common result

[Jack of all Trades]

On 5/21/2025 at 12:29 AM, Sta_ said:

Of course i know that communication is everything, and we havent had a talk about it just yet but i am going to ask her and learn from her how she feels about sex and what asexuality means for her.

Hello, just thought I'd add my two cents. Communication is absolutely key, and figuring out what asexuality means to her is a good start. Even within the specific identity of "asexual," sexuality is a spectrum (sex-positive, neutral, repulsed, etc). While there is definitely a change she won't want to engage in sexual activities, you don't know until you ask. 

 

On 5/21/2025 at 12:29 AM, Sta_ said:

For other people in relationships between sexual and asexual people in a similar situation, how did you work it out? What kind of things did you do to strengthen your relationship? Is it really something that i should actually worry about or am i overreacting? And, how do i approach a conversation about this?

I will only answer the questions that I have the ability to speak to (I'm not ignoring the other ones). I don't know about "worrying" about this. It is a boundary that should be set and a conversation worth having, especially if you are pursuing a serious relationship. As far as approaching this conversation, I'd recommend asking her about her sexuality as a whole, and then if you have more questions, get more specific. That being said, if she is not comfortable, do not continue to ask questions. Conversations like these require vulnerability and can be scary.