My mom hopes I stop being asexual

[AceMelon]

I've never posted here before, please let me know if I am doing this wrong.

 

I'm a 23 year old woman, and I live at home with my family. I came out to my family as aroace a while back. For me, personally, part of being aroace means I am not interested in having any sort of romantic/sexual partner. I don't want to get married, and I don't want to have kids (which is seperate from being aroace, but still relevant).

Everybody has been great and really understanding. I am really grateful for my family's acceptance. Except my mom has made some comments whenever I mention my aroace-ness or my lack of desire in having a partner.

Stuff like "I hope you change your mind later". Or "it makes me sad you don't want kids."

Maybe I will change my mind. Who knows? Sexuality and identity is fluid. But her hoping that I do change is hurtful. I am aroace now, and it feels like she has a problem with who I am now. She doesn't deny that I am aroace, but she just hopes I'm wrong someday.

I have tried to explain my feelings. That I can love and be loved even it isn't necessarily romantic (family, friends, etc.). It doesn't seem to change her mind. My identity still makes her sad.

I don't know. Has anyone else experienced this? I love her dearly, but these comments bother me.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Typical mom attachment to traditional things.
It does suck, you can try to talk more about it if it bothers you, but sometimes they don't really listen or want to accept it ..

[Vero Totem]

It's always tough when it's coming from family.  My half-sister refuses to believe that asexuality is a thing.  She still insists that I "just haven't met the right guy yet."  My other sister confessed to me that she doesn't completely understand, but she still supports me.  Like you, I live with my parents so I hear the same complaints from my mother every day.  Granted, they're nowhere near as horrible as the things you hear, but it can become annoying.  I think a good, long talk with your mother is in order before you end up blowing up in her face.  You won't be able to come back from that.  Out of curiosity, what does your dad think about all of this?  It might sound different coming from him if he also talks to your mother.

[Sally]

Perhaps your mom is sad thinking of the experiences you might miss in your life, rather than wanting you to be someone different from who you are.   Those experiences are important to her and she's hoping that you will eventually find them to be important also.  

[aceofhearts4]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

Perhaps your mom is sad thinking of the experiences you might miss in your life, rather than wanting you to be someone different from who you are.   Those experiences are important to her and she's hoping that you will eventually find them to be important also.  

That doesn't make it any less rude or hurtful

[aceofhearts4]

That really sucks, my mother is exactly the same way. It's horrible to hear those comments, especially from people who are supposed to love us.

[lilihierax]

I'm sorry for the doubt she's giving you. I had a parent who gave a nasty reaction to me coming out (they did apologise later when they saw how upset it made me). But I know it's a really horrible feeling.
 

I second what the others suggest about having a heart-to-heart with your mum, though I know you said you have already tried.

Try to explain how happy and content you are with being the way you are; with being aroace.  And how there is nothing to be sad about because you are happy with yourself and your lifestyle, so why wouldn't she be happy for you? Doesn't she want her child to be happy? Well, she could help by not doubting you and not rejecting your knowledge of your own identity.

Say to her what you have written here: "Maybe I will change my mind. Who knows? Sexuality and identity is fluid. But her hoping that I do change is hurtful. I am aroace now."

 

In a lot of cases we can't change other people's minds. We can give them all the information and convincing that we can think to give them, but ultimately they are the only ones who can change their own mind, and even that can take a lot of time. It doesn't happen overnight. So it's very understandable how hard and frustrating it is, especially when it is impacting us negatively. I wish I had a concrete solution for you. Best wishes all the same though!

[everywhere and nowhere]

20 hours ago, Sally said:

Perhaps your mom is sad thinking of the experiences you might miss in your life, rather than wanting you to be someone different from who you are.   Those experiences are important to her and she's hoping that you will eventually find them to be important also.  

It hurts to have someone wish you something you explicitly don't want. Particularly for those of use who are sex-averse, having someone wish us that we could experience sex is the same as having them say "I wish you sexually coerced yourself".

Asexuality is more than just a characteristic, for some of us it permeats our whole lifestyle, our personal choices and way of interacting with others. Removing it would make us completely different people. So yes, wishing an asexual person that they stopped being asexual equals telling them "I wish you stopped being yourself because I don't accept you the way you are now". Even if people who say it usually don't mean such hurtful things - they might very well genuinely believe that asexuality is some kind of an unfortunate hangup - it doesn't excuse them when they fail to educate themselves. If someone close to you is asexual, you should learn more about asexuality and then ask yourself: "Would it be appropriate to say similar things to a representative of another group?". And if it isn't, why would it be acceptable to say to an asexual?

[Sister Mercurial]

I'd approach it like: "If that's what makes you happy, then I'm pleased that it worked out for you, but it doesn't make me feel that way.  To me, the whole dating game is like [I could elaborate at great length on my own experiences when I tried it, but this is your conversation, so put in what makes you unhappy about it].  Now, why would I want to waste my time on something that makes me feel like that, when I could devote it instead to [whatever it is that makes you happy and how it makes you feel]?"